my karpas, my tears

It's been a while since my last post.  Probably one of the longest gaps between posts for me.  It's not that I didn't want to post the past month and a half... I've just been so utterly exhausted.  I've opted to sleep instead.  I'm sure you understand.  :) 

Let's see... something notable... I went to my first Passover Seder yesterday.  It was pretty awesome.  Ever since I read somewhere about Seders, I've wanted to go to one.  I put it on my bucket list of things to do before I die.  And it just so happened that this year...there was a Passover Seder at the young adult group.  The last time they did one was 5 years ago.  I feel pretty much like it was meant to be.  I was meant to leave my other church at the time that I did and I was meant to go to young adult group on that particular week and I was meant to go to this Seder.  Sometimes when things like this happen, I wonder if I'm going to die soon because it seems like God grants me every desire of my heart and I didn't even have to try for this one.  :)

I'm still processing all the things I learned, but all in all, the Seder was awesome.  If I ever have a household of my own... I wanna have Seders.  Maybe it doesn't have to be exceptionally traditional, but I do want to go through the cups and spend time remembering.  Oh.  For those of you who don't know what a Seder is, it's a Jewish dinner thing... kinda like a special family dinner that they do... where they eat certain things in a certain order... it's kinda like our Lord's Supper thing but... there's a little bit more involved to remember the events of the Passover... I'm not going to go and try to explain it... I wouldn't do it justice... but I do remember a few things that really impacted me... and one of those things that I remember was dipping the Karpas in the salt water.

 
The greens represent the life the God gives and sustains and the salt water represents tears.  When the guy leading the Seder dipped the parsley in the salt water and lifted it... I watched the salt water fall from the parsley... and saw the tears that have dripped from my eyes these past few weeks.  The tears are supposed to remind Israelites of the tears shed during their bondage in Egypt.  That day... and today... I felt those tears... falling from the parsley like the tears my heart has been crying even when my eyes were dry these past few months. 

I cried out for Anderson last night for the first time in a very long time.  I had insomnia and I... just wanted someone to talk to about all the things floating around in my head.  I wanted to just snuggle in his arms and cry myself to sleep... I settle for burying myself in my pillows and crying until I feel like stopping.  He always knew what to say... to make me feel better... to remind me not to freak out... and I know it's completely unrelated... but to make me feel pretty and loved no matter what.  I missed that.  I missed him. 

This has been a really rough Lenten season for me... emotionally, physically, mentally... I've felt an onslaught of guilt, exhaustion, emotional instability, lack of confidence in my work, lack of confidence in my schoolwork... a lack of confidence in general.  God has taken pains to remind me that He is always by my side... I've had really awesome moments here and there, but the general baseline that I keep coming back to is... a sad face. 

Have you ever just caught yourself... like when your mind is empty... maybe when you're driving... or when you just wake up in the morning... I think we used to call it a "normal face" when we were kids... it's just... baseline... when you're not really thinking... just... existing.  I'm used to having my baseline face being a smile or something bubbly... like when I'm walking down the hall, I'd just... be happy and cheery for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  The past few months I've caught myself and I've been like... sad... or depressed... or exhausted... or irritable.  I thought about it after catching myself and I really have no reason to be sad or depressed... so I just try to live based on truths and not on how I feel.  I have to remind myself of truths repeatedly.  And I constantly ask myself whether or not my sad feelings have any grounds.  I honestly can't find anything real to pinpoint it to. 

Feelings of loneliness and emptiness have been hitting me particularly hard.  Facebook updates about babies, weddings, engagements... I'm really happy for all of my friends... but I also wonder... if I got my shot already... or if there is still something left for my future in this realm. 

And then... I think about... what the Israelites would say... when they were wandering around the wilderness and found themselves without water.  They'd be all dramatic and say something like, "OH that we had DIED in Egypt... where there was fruits and meat and blah blah blah..."  or "OH WHY oh WHY did you bring us out here to DIE of THIRST and STARVATION..." and I kinda felt like... dang that's passive aggressive.  Wishing for something that I used to have was a little bit pointless... and it's also the way that desire of the heart/body was expressed.  If I feel the desire to be in a relationship like I would feel hunger or thirst... I should simply... ask God explicitly for it and then wait for the answer.  Why should I be such an ingrate and forget all the wondrous things God has done for me and brought me through... the miraculous transformation of my heart... providing for my every need... why wouldn't God provide for this area of my life as well?  He has proven Himself faithful to me... to His people... time and time again across centuries... I don't see why He would stop now. 

No, no... it must be that I just can't see the answer yet.  Or maybe singleness is the answer in the future... but for sure, it's the answer right now. 

So Anderson used to do this thing... where he would text me really early in the morning or maybe before I came over... but before he even saw what I looked like or knew what I was wearing... he'd text me "you look pretty today" or "I love that outfit on you" and "can't wait to see you".  Sometimes, I'd be out shopping and I'd text him that I bought him something and right away he'd say, "I love it! Thank you".  And it really wasn't that he said those things in response to what I looked like or because of the gift itself.  First thing in the morning, of course I looked terrible... but he did those things because he loved ME... more than the way I looked... more than the clothes I wore... He loved me for me and he didn't need to see me (or any gift) to know that.  He loved my choices before he knew them because he loved me. 

In the same way... I want to love the choices God makes for me... even before I see them or before they arrive.  I absolutely know that whatever God has planned for me has been chosen precisely and with wisdom... for me.  He knows me inside and out... and loves me with an undying, super deep, super passionate kind of love... where He would not dare withhold anything if it weren't for my best interest.  He is incapable of being vindictive or withholding things for His amusement.  There is a darn good reason why things are the way they are and it's to teach me something important... to train me for something... or to teach me an invaluable lesson that I would not have learned any other way.  It's all good stuff. 

So I'll love my invisible future... my invisible mate... because I'm in love with God and I love His choices for me even before I know what they are.  It's only a matter of time before I'll get to see more and that joy will be more complete.  In the meantime, I'll just wait with anticipation. 

And I think sometime after the dipping of the Karpas in the salt water... there was a part where we ate matzo with horseraddish... the bitter root... to remind the Israelites of their bitter slavery in Egypt.  The guy said that normally they eat a teaspoon of it.  The girl next to me decided to try it.  Except that she thought she heard Tablespoon... so while I ate a tiny bit which made my nose sting and made me cry... she ate an entire Tablespoon of it and if I suffered a little with the tiny bit I ate... she was SUFFERING.  I thought her head might explode.  We laughed but I tried to imagine amplifying my pain by 10X and I just couldn't fathom it.  After that... there was this sweet apple mixture that kinda takes away the pain of the bitter root... it's supposed to represent hope and the sweetness of redemption.  So I dunno if I'm still crying from my Karpas or if my sinuses are throbbing and aching from the horseraddish...but...I have hope...in the sweetness that I already have... and the sweetness to come and I'm glad I went to this dinner to remind me... with food...one of the greatest joys of my life... of the hope that I have in Christ.  Karpas and Tears are just a part of it and not the whole of it.  My life WILL end with sweetness.  It is guaranteed.  If God said it... if God promised it... it's as good as gold... as good as done.  

And maybe I'll also have this song to remind me whose hands I rest in...whose hands cover me...whose hands will never let me go... when my Karpas is dripping with tears.  

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life   (By your Side. Tenth Avenue North)

OK.  I've procrastinated my homework long enough.  Until next time...

<3,
Tiff

Jo-J

OK the day that Tiff wakes up from a nap and is like...moderately sad that she missed the Knicks game is a strange day indeed. 

The day that Tiff watches/listens to an entire basketball game from start to finish... twice... is also a strange day indeed.

I've had two very strange days the past couple days.  I thought that I should blog it.

OK... I don't know if this is just going to join the ranks as "just another post about Jeremy Lin"... but it's not just going to be about Jeremy.  It's going to be a culmination of things I've been thinking about for the past two months... that culminated in me having a bit of time to write right NOW... with the J Lin stuff pushing it over the edge. 

Jeremy Lin... you're like a bright shiny star... juxtaposed against the dark night sky... even I can't help but stop, notice, and admire.  

So I recently turned 30.  I wasn't quite sure how I felt about it prior... and I had tried to write but... nothing was coming out so I didn't want to force it.  I was also experiencing writer's block and doctoral-student block at the highest intensity I have experienced thus far... over one year into my program.  I was also training to be an ICU nurse... adjusting to flipping my sleep schedule completely 180... AND to top it off, I had gained like 5% body mass in 1 month and I'm pretty sure it was all fat.  I think I was pretty stressed.  And distraught.  Mostly over the weight... but also over the doc-block.

And then I started reading/listening about some guy... who really really encouraged me.  Sometimes stuff just comes on the radio... and I find it somewhat amazing that God chose to remind me of this particular guy at this particular time in my life.  And I am constantly amazed at how God uses pre-set Bible reading plans in such a time-perfect way to speak truth or to encourage me with such perfect precision aligning with the experiences of my life.  So this guy... one of my absolute, top ten...shoot maybe top five favorite SuperJews... Joseph.  I saw this shirt in a movie and loved it.  I now own it.  Actually it was a gift but I would have bought it for myself anyway if a friend hadn't had such a quick internet finger.  It's hanging on my wall... and sometimes I'll wear it while writing papers because I imagine that it will infer some SuperJew awesomeness into my life.  Yes it's hanging there amidst the purple... amidst the 3D flowers and pastel-colored leaf stickers... sort of next to the wall of diplomas and my pictures of me and Anderson.  Kinda funky, but if you know me at all, I think you'd understand why it has earned a place there.  Have I ever posted about my favorite SuperJews?  Well... I talk and write about them all the time even if this is the first you've heard of my SuperJew shirt.  


Joseph.  What an amazing guy.  What I admire about Joseph... is his character, his perseverance... and his amazing managerial skills.  This guy... hated by his 10 brothers... thrown into a pit, sold into slavery in a foreign land... still found a way to live and work in a manner pleasing to the world... while holding himself to a standard that none of his brothers did... maybe not even his father did... but he remembered the God of his fathers and lived his life to its maximum potential every step of the way... being probably the lone Hebrew wherever he went.  And he also found himself in some pretty sucky situations. Enslaved... wrongfully accused... imprisoned... and yet... every step of the way he rose to the occasion and made the best of his training. 

Whatever I am going through right now... is both opportunity and training ground.  I have opportunities to learn, opportunities to serve, opportunities to grow... to spur others to grow... and I'm pretty darn sure that it is just another step in the journey to bring me to another level of opportunity further down the line.  Each step necessary for the next step... each step preparing me in a new and different way for the next one.  I see this in my own life... I saw this in Joseph's life... and I also am beginning to see it in J Lin's life... not that it was never there before... I just didn't really pay attention to his life too much before now. 

Joseph did his best.  He worked to a standard of excellence... even at the humble position he found himself in Egypt.  You guys realize that this guy went from favored son... exempted from tending the flocks... recipient of best clothes... daddy's favorite son... to second class citizen pretty much in one day?  Spoiled boy with the soft hands and crazy dreams... could have just sat and pouted... done his work with bitterness and resentment like the kid of that father who shot like 8 rounds into her laptop... but he didn't.  He made the best of his managerial training and learned how to run a household. 

And he didn't just run a household like any other guy runs a household.  I'm pretty sure if I were there to observe him... I would have observed God-given skill and artistry in his work. 

Tell all the skilled men to whom I have given wisdom in such matters that they are to make garments for Aaron, for his consecration, so he may serve me as priest. (Ex. 28:3)

I've noticed this before... when reading about the tabernacle... when reading about how God instructed Solomon to build His temple... I noticed that skilled men... skilled artists... were endowed with wisdom.  It takes wisdom to know what is pleasing to the eye... pleasing to the ear.  If you've ever looked at a version of something... let's say... fake Hello Kitty... and all the components of Hello Kitty are there... but there's just something off... something that looks funny... they're just minute details... proportions... coloring maybe... shapes... I dunno.  Very subtle differences that make all the difference.  You can also tell the difference in the quality of some items... how you can tell that someone designed some things in one way... that there was thought, foresight and depth of experience built into the craftsmanship of some items... versus other items who were copied without taking into account the details that make one item superior to another.  So... I'm pretty sure that there is genius behind all things beautiful... all things quality... and the most beautiful, the most quality genius... comes from God.  God-given skill and God-given wisdom goes into the excellent.  I'm pretty sure there was something different about the way Joseph managed Potiphar's household.  Even if the methods were identical to another guy's... this kid had a heart behind the hands... a heart that sought to please and obey God... and the heart is what matters more than the actions... even tho the actions are all the world sees.  God sees the heart.  You can mess up massively... but if you messed up with the right heart... between you and God... you're OK.  You can succeed massively... but if you succeed with the wrong heart... you and God... eh... He's not happy.  Not to say that He won't love you... because He always does and He always will. 

Anyway... so I'm guessing that Joseph must have done things with such genius precision that Potiphar noticed.  And Pottie must have also noticed that even more than skill... Jo had the character to back it... and the character must have been so... exceptional that he would have entrusted his entire household over to his slave.  All Pottie had to care about was eating and drinking... Jo took care of the rest.  Can you imagine?  Trusting someone so much to leave your brain in bed... and just walking around all happy-go-lucky and free to come and go... eat whatever you want...?!?  Have you EVER trusted anyone so much?  Have you ever found anyone with whom you felt you COULD trust that much?  And this wasn't some Ivy League graduate... this was some dusty young kid who came off a wagon... I somehow imagine it being a little bit like... a combination of Chinatown shopping stall put onto a wagon of slaves.  I'm sure they would have just taken the multi-colored cloak right off his back and hung it up next to him to sell... if he had still had it with him. 


Oh and did I mention that Joseph didn't just have superb natural managerial skill... that he was HOT?  LOL. 

Anyway... so he's just doing his work, minding his own business... and Pottie's wife starts to come on to him.  Something about Jo... he's got something appealing for everybody.  Beauty and brains.  How bout that?  And!  And he's got character.  He was wrongfully accused and imprisoned for NOT sleeping with her.  I'm sure he must have wondered if he would have been sitting "pretty" at Pottie's table instead of in a dirty, stinky dungeon with dirty, stinky people if only he had given in to her.  But... even if he had thought it... he still picked himself up and probably put some dirty, stinky clothes on cuz I doubt they would have sent him away with the clothes that Pottie's wife grabbed off him... and went right back to doing what he was doing... so much to the point that he was running the joint again... hahaha... the joint.  Sometimes I wish I could listen to myself talk about this stuff... I think I would make myself laugh.  And I just noticed that at both his milestones... he must have entered into them naked.  And I'm also guessing... that someone who knows how to manage other things well... probably knew how to take care of his own body well... so even naked, I'm pretty sure he looked pretty good.  And I guess that's how you truly know your own character... when you've been stripped of everything... you find out what's truly important to you.  If your clothes are what you valued most and you're stripped of them, you find yourself... empty.  It was all you had to live for, wasn't it?  But if after you've been stripped... you kinda just brush yourself off and figure that another day... another set of clothes... a new set of things to do...you reveal that your true worth had nothing to do with the externals... but with the internal... the imperishable... something that the world cannot take away from you...  kinda like in 1 Peter...

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  (1 Pet. 3:3-4)

Anyway... another thing that amazes me about Jo... was that because he had worked hard on a daily basis... as his own personal standard... because he had done so well in his day-to-day life... which again, is how we are called to live... because each day has enough trouble of its own... that he was not only working as to the Lord... being approved by men... that he was consistent and could be counted on with that consistency... but that... he was ready.  At any given moment... some strange turn of events could transpire which open up a door or a window of opportunity... and if you weren't living or running as if you were going to win the race before... you're not gonna be ready to step up and rise to the occasion when you are called to. 

One day... you're just walking along the prison... I'm guessing it might not have been dirty and stinky anymore if Jo had anything to do with it... twirling your beard in one hand... pondering how you could improve prison processes and increase efficiency on such a low budget... when some guy in a red shirt and a phaser says, "come with me, cupcake"... and you walk into a room like in Tron where your clothes are just cut off of you... your beard shaved... and you get some fancy clothes put on you by a team of professionals in a white unitard with platform heels... (sorry I'm mixing movie images here... I have no images of Egypt to relate to)... and you're called upon to do what none of the professionals who do this for a LIVING could do... and actually no one on earth could have done because interpretation of dreams come from God alone... and then next thing you know you're running the joint again... but this time it's no small time Pottie house... or the "big house"... you're running the country... to the point where Pharaoh can leave his brain on his nightstand and entrust his entire country and the future of the known world... into the hands of this kid you just plucked out of prison a few hours ago.  And at that point... Joseph was 30 years old. 

It is no coincidence that God reminded me about Jo right before I was going to turn 30.  I felt that it was perfect timing... perfect choice of reading... to minister to my heart and show me how I need to be working... that even if I have crappy circumstances (which I don't)... that I still need to be like Jo and do my work... even if no one sees... to build up my character and consistency... so that whenever I am, IF ever I am, called to the spotlight... I'm ready and waiting to fulfill God's intended purpose in my life... whatever that may be.  I'm sure that Jo would have been VERY happy to just be let out of prison... but God intended for him to save the world as he knew it... to reunite and save his family... to put a temporary end to the sojourning of Israel and his kiddos... and give them the land of Goshen... to prepare them for the great deliverance when it's MoMo's turn to fulfill his intended purpose.  God has plans.  Great plans.  We might just be a tiny part in the grand scheme of things... but whenever we step up and say, "here I am, send me"... or even in Jo's case... he didn't ask to be sent but was taken by force... to make the most out of his situations... to take the opportunities and get trained for the next step... that we can play our part and experience all the goodness that He intended.  Jo said it right when he told his brothers, "y'all meant it for evil, but God meant it for good". 

I wonder if that's what we'd get to say... if for some reason God allowed Satan to plant that cancer into Anderson's cells... that both Anderson and I would stand hand in hand one day and say to Satan, "YOU meant it for evil... YOU thought that it was going to destroy us... but God meant it for good."

At 30... I'm guessing that it must have crossed his mind... that THIS is why he was sold into slavery and brought to Egypt... THIS is why he got to practice running Pottie's household... THIS is why he had to go to prison... to meet up with the Baker and the Cupbearer at that particular time... so that he would be ready now to prepare for the worst famine imaginable.  So now he's running the country... how much better could it get?  Well it was about to get a whole lot better in 7 years... he was going to get to see his brothers again... to see Ben... to see his father... and provide for them.  So I might be 30 right now and I thought that my 20's were pretty darn good... but if God is consistent... and He always is... it's only gonna keep getting better and better.    He has shown His faithfulness to His people... SuperJews and regulars alike... now Jew and Gentile alike... across all of history... all time... so why wouldn't he also be faithful to me... the 30-year-old American-Chinese nurse in California?  Did you know that I am the only Tiffany Chen, RN in the state of California?  Yep, I just checked.  I am STILL the only TChenRN in California.  I'm sure there are loads of Tiffany Chens.  Heck, there were at least 5 Tiffany Ng's in California... how many more Chens would there be?  And how is it that I am the only Tiffany Chen who was called to be a nurse?  Maybe there were some, but they got married and changed their last names.  Who knows.  Right now... it's just me. 

Ok so I guess this isn't as much a post about J Lin.  J's story reminds me of Jo's.  I don't know you, Jeremy Lin... and I may never know you this side of eternity... but thank you... for living your life in a manner that someone so far away could see your character, admire it... and be inspired to live my life similarly.  I'm not going to go to Harvard... Lord willing I'll be DONE with school after this one.  I'm NOT going to play in the NBA... I'm an entire foot shorter than you and have next to no basketball skills... but I can relate to you and your journey.  The details are different, but the way you say that you were meant to be a basketball player... that God caused a whole mess of things which were out of your control... which step by step led you to where you're at... I see it in your life... I see it in mine and I am encouraged.  You were meant to be a basketball player.  I was meant to be a nurse.  You are doing what you can in your mission field... and I am doing what I can in mine. 

Do you not see the genius of God in that as well?  What better way to reach people with the love of Christ than to send them to areas that they are uniquely prepared to infiltrate?  God doesn't create cookie cutter Christians.  We don't need to wear uniforms for someone to recognize us.  We have the fruit of the Spirit... we have peace that surpasses understanding... we have wisdom beyond our years and even beyond human capabilities sometimes... ok and I say "we"... I don't necessarily mean "me".  But when I heard the announcers talk about J Lin... his court vision... his composure... his confidence on the court... his unselfishness... his humility... his joy and love of the game... the way at halftime, he said that he recognized that he was making mistakes and he was going to go look at films... and the lady said, "right NOW?" and he said, "yeah, right now"... in the middle of the game!  His work ethic is amazing!  Mistakes aren't something to get down about... it just brings to light areas of weakness and allows you to work on them to improve on it... even right NOW... when it counts.  Right NOW counts... not just tomorrow... not just the day after... right now in the middle of the game... it matters how I see things and it matters what I do in response.  I don't know if I'm correct but I see a lot of genuine sincerity in J Lin... a humility... and a simplicity... that stands out in the NBA like a shiny star against a black sky... especially next to Kobe.  I don't know what the future holds... I hope that J Lin will only keep getting better and better... but right NOW it makes me happy to see that his "work" is approved by men... that even people who may never profess Christ... can look at his life and see glimmers of God's glory. That is amazing to me.  That is encouraging to me.  I'm happy for you, J Lin.  I doubt you'll ever read this, but if you do, I hope it's at least a fraction as encouraging to you as it is to me. 

And this post is called Jo-J because of Joseph and J Lin... but also because it sounds like OJ and I was just thinking about how much I love OJ earlier today.  Best I've ever had was Amish breakfast in Philly.  I keep searching for life-changing OJ in California but... no success.  I've had life-changing oranges tho.  I wonder if life-changing oranges would make life-changing OJ.  I guess it never made it there since I ate them first.  Anyway.  Maybe I'll get to eat some more life-changing oranges this year.  We'll see.  :)  Thanks for reading my thoughts... I best get back to doing my homework in a manner that will be approved by men... or in my case... women... for grades...

<3,
Tiff