Saturday, July 25, 2009

Day 3

I can't believe it's only been 3 days. I can't believe that I'm a widow. This was definitely NOT in Tiff's master plan for my life. Something I've learned though... is that God's way is better than Tiff's way 100% of the time.

I've always wanted a stable, upper-middle class, suburban California life. I wanted to get married at 25, have kids from 27-30... I thought that maybe if I married someone who was financially stable, I could just stay at home and be a housewife and just bake and clean and do crafts all day long. Anderson and I talked about our life together and he kinda wanted to be a house-dad, to cook and clean and play with the kids all day long. He said that I could go to work if I wanted to and he'd take care of the kids. I said, gee, thanks bubba.

Obviously, nothing happened the way either of us planned. We never wanted this for each other. But we were never in want of anything EXCEPT each other either. We decided a few years ago that it didn't matter what we were doing or where we were doing it... as long as we were together, we'd get through it. Me you, you me. Us.

I always told him that I wished that we could have had other peoples' lives. I wish that our biggest problem was what time we could meet up for dinner or whose parents' we were going to visit that weekend. I wish that we could just go to work in the morning, come home, and see each other... like "normal" people do. He always told me that other people have other problems and that we were so blessed that we don't have their problems.

I don't remember if I ever posted about it, but Anderson typed me a card from and had it mailed to our apt in Houston for our 6-year dating anniversary back in May. We stopped living in the apt at the end of May and I only just came back a few days ago. Needless to say, I lost the card. I hid it from everyone else in a place where I thought I'd remember... but well... I looked for a week and I couldn't find it. I was able to login to his hallmark account and thankfully he saved the card so I rebought it and had it sent to our apt. I'm still waiting for it to come. Anyway, my point was... that part of what he wrote in the card was that there wasn't a thing that he would change about our relationship. I agree. With a heavy heart, I agree.

I know now that God knew exactly what I could handle and He pushed me to my breaking point... slowly. God blessed me with 3 years to say goodbye to Anderson. Even the last few months... God blessed us with time to talk when his legs were paralyzed. God even put the tumor in his cerebellum where it didn't affect his memories... only his coordination. I was so afraid that he'd lose memories after every brain surgery, but he didn't. We had a lot of opportunities to talk from May-June. I remember... almost nightly, I'd crawl into bed with him and have him put his arm around me and comfort me with his words and touch so I could go sleep without crying. In July, God took away his voice (he was intubated) and all we could do was hand signals and such. I pleaded to hear his voice one more time and God allowed him to be extubated for one day. Even after his brain tumor hemorrhaged, he still woke up 2-3 times after that to look at me and tell me that he loved me. God kept giving me extra time to say goodbye. Even after they removed the breathing tube, God still gave me an extra hour to watch him breathe. I don't know if you feel like he died a horrible death or not... but it could have been so much worse. I think I've grieved a whole lot even before he passed. My struggle to "let go" happened more while he was in the hospital, I think.

The last time I communicated with him was Thursday, July 16th. I kinda hear Forrest Gump's voice when he said "Bubba was my best good friend... if I'd known that was the last time we'd talk, I woulda thought of something better to say." He opened his eyes and looked at me. I said "I love you". He pointed to his chest and then gave me 2 fingers. He meant, "me too." And then he closed his eyes and that was the last time we looked directly at each other.

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