Yesterday, I went and found our journal and started writing to him in it. We started this journal together in February when we started doing couples devotions. It was a nice time together. We talked about things we probably wouldn't have were it not for the questions presented us in the book. I started to read a little bit of what we wrote back then. Here's one excerpt:
Feb 8, 2009. Habakkuk 3:17-19
- I don't pass my NCLEX
- Anderson is sick
- We don't get our "dream house" in the OC
- We go to Texas
- the Dodgers never win another world series
- Fruffy (my brother's dog) bugs us forever
- people are inconsiderate
- this journal may fall into the wrong hands
- (and I've cut some out)
Though the worst things may happen to us in this life, yet we will rejoice in the Lord, we will joy in the God of our salvation. The Lord God is our strength.
Yesterday, I was pondering on the toilet (tmi?) about prayer. The point of prayer isn't to get what we want. The point of prayer is to ask and trust. It's not the only point of prayer, but for right now, just go with it. Why didn't God give me what I asked for? Why didn't He heal Anderson and give us more time together? I really don't know. But I don't need to know. I don't need to understand it, I just need to trust that God has a plan and God's way is better than Tiff's way 100% of the time.
When you pray and ask, you're humbling yourself. You're saying that I can't do it on my own... I need Your help, God. The more you pray, the more you're asking... the more you're entrusting. I've never been a huge fan of delegation, but I've come to realize over the years that I can't do everything myself. Some stuff just isn't worth it and sometimes it gets done better if someone else does it and there is more satisfaction and ownership if more people get involved. Anyway, I digress. When you ask someone to do something, you're relinquishing some of your control and entrusting it to someone else. When it comes to God, committing things to prayer is asking Him to take it all from me. And it's not a bad thing to do either. The majority of things, I can't control anyway. I just find that it's more the process of prayer rather than getting what I want. Through the process, I am humbled, I am forced to examine myself and fess up to my mistakes, ask for forgiveness, to make a conscious effort to thank God for what He's done... and trusting that God's got it under control. (end of thought. it's not really panning out well in my mind)
So how can I trust that God's got a good plan? Because He says so. And not like vaguely... He said exactly, "I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." This God created the entire earth out of nothing. He keeps my body going, my heart beating... and not just mine, everyone else's too. Billions of people. God is powerful to the max. And multi-tasking? He's the ultimate multi-tasker and master orchestrator too. I can barely do one or two things at a time. As evidenced by everything that's happened in my life, in the lives of others... past and present for thousands of years... God's got a good plan. The best.
When my mom used to just say "pray about it"... I'd be like "OK" but then in the back of my mind I'd be thinking what else I should be doing to help God out. God's not just gonna take my test for me or do my taxes for me. When Anderson found out that the tumor came back a 2nd time in January... he was constantly frustrated. He left so many messages on so many answering machines because you never get to talk to a real person when you're asking about clinical trials... you leave a message and they call you back. When you go to get your medical records, you fill out the paperwork and you wait. If you call to see what the status is, you have to leave a message and wait for them to get back to you. He was almost pulling his hair out every day because there was only so much that was happening and it seemed to be happening too slow for him to handle. He kept saying "I don't have time to wait for these people". It got me frustrated too. But somehow... in those moments... I just had to tell him to stop for a minute. Look at me. Take a breath. We do our best, and let God do the rest. And trust Him to do it too.
We got through it. God worked it out perfectly that we'd end up in Texas at MD Anderson. The timing... the doctor... everything. We seriously had the best surgeon and ICU doctor taking care of us. They cared so much and talked to us like regular people. They even took the time to look at our wedding pics and listen to us talk about him. The nurses even told us that we were so lucky to be taken care of by so and so... they're the best. And it's no coincidence, either. God worked it out for us.
This is getting long and babbly so I'll end it here.
Even though Anderson is no longer with us here on earth, yet we will rejoice in the Lord, we will joy in the God of our salvation. The Lord God is our strength.