Thursday, August 20, 2009

Day 29

It's been a few days since my last post. It's not that I haven't been struggling, because I have. I just haven't been struggling as much on my own.

On Saturday, the 15nd of August, my family, the Chen family, and I went to Corona Del Mar and released half of Anderson's ashes. I wish I could tell you that I felt something profound, something meaningful... SOMETHING. But I can't. His ashes were in a ziploc bag (because we split the ashes) and they were a lot coarser than I thought. There was one big, flat piece at the top. I wonder if it was part of his skull or his hip bone. Kelly said a few words to him as his ashes were being released. I felt no such inclination to do so. To me, they were what they were... ashes and nothing more. If your house burns down, it's not your house anymore. It doesn't protect you from the elements or give you a nice, cozy place to lay your head. It is reduced to rubble and ash. It's not your house anymore.

Maybe it was supposed to symbolize closure more than anything else. I still have the other half of the ashes to spread on my own time... and alone.

When I first named this blog, Anderson's Ashes, I had a few things in mind. First, I guess the alliteration (and maybe a reference to Angela's Ashes but I confess that I haven't read it), but secondly... a phoenix. In case you don't know what a phoenix is (and I could be wrong too), it's something to do with mythology where a bird lives until the end of its time, it somehow spontaneously bursts into flames, reducing itself to ashes, and then a new, baby bird emerges. I wish I could tell you I got this directly from Greek mythology but... I have to say that I was thinking more Harry Potter and X-men than anything else.

Am I the baby bird or does the baby bird symbolize all the that has come as a result of Anderson's passing? Maybe it's both? Maybe it's none. Maybe I'm grasping in futility to make this thing work. I mainly wanted to continue writing about all the good things as well as the hard things that have been born out of Anderson's passing... from his "ashes".

This week is my last week of vacation before school starts. I've spent the past week meeting up with people, trying some new things [some turned out well, and some not so well... err... no ferris wheels (not carousels) for me, thank you very much], and generally being uplifted by the company of friends. There's something about being with people and sharing life with them that nurtures your heart and soul. I've come to a much greater appreciation of people, in general, lately. I used to feel like I shouldn't rely on anybody... that life would be so much more simple if I didn't have to count on anyone or trust anyone with anything of "mine". There's so much more joy in sharing than in hording. I realize now how I've missed out on so much of "life" because I've horded and sheltered so much of myself. I guess I always figured I had passed my "coming of age" years a while ago, but I suppose coming of age just comes with age and maybe it never stops "coming". Confusing myself now. Moving on.

I have too many thoughts right now and nothing makes sense to me at the moment. Basically... I've been so blessed by others lately. I've felt so cared for, so loved... so happy to be with others. I haven't felt like I've been overwhelmed by loneliness and emptiness because I've been so full lately. I thank God for that. Hope it continues but also hope that I'll be able to get some rest. Going out everyday is tiring.

Still living. Still figuring things out... day by day.

1 comment:

  1. tiff,

    i've been following your blog since i heard about andersen's passing. even though i haven't seen you in years, and i have never met your husband, you guys are in my thoughts.

    i chose now to comment because this entry touched me. what you wrote about andersen's ashes and what they mean to you now, and the part about the phoenix. i enjoy symbolism & seeing people grow, and i know you are growing stronger because of it.

    and i am happy to see that you are taking new risks in your life and seeing what you do and don't like. :) if we didn't take risks, we could never come across something that would only come about through that risk. without risk, there is no reward. :) keep going. :)

    don't hoard yourself, we would all benefit with a little tiffany in our lives. :)

    <3 susan yee