Wow. It's been a while since I've last written. Hm. 16 days. A lot's happened.
I've been waiting for some free time to write again and now that I have it, I'm having writer's block. I guess I'll just start writing how I feel.
I feel sad. I've been crying a lot this past week. Today, I spent most of the day on the verge of tears but they didn't come. I spent some time knitting. Cleaning my desk. Decided to watch Bolt. Right when Penny said "I miss him" I burst into tears.
Tears are OK. Tears are cathartic. I welcome them. Let them fall.
I miss him.
Yesterday, I finished up my concept analysis on nurse's grief. I don't think it's my best paper ever, I might not even get an A, but I'm OK with that. I used myself as the model case. I wrote two paragraphs on the grief I experienced after Anderson's death and how it's changed me... made me a better nurse... I'd never cried so hard writing a paper for school.
I miss my best friend.
I wish I could be near him. Just lay on his chest and be held. Look up and smile at him... and have him smile back. One day. One day I'll see him again... and I'll spend an eternity with him.
The last three weeks have been hard. For no particular reason. Nothing particularly bad happened. Lots of good things happened. I just don't feel the same. And I don't know why. I stopped trying to figure out why two weeks ago. I've just been living day to day since then.
I wracked my brain for what I was doing wrong.... for what was plaguing me. I couldn't, for the life of me, figure it out. Sometimes... there really isn't a logical reason for feelings. Sometimes there is. Either way... just keep swimming. Walk by faith and not by sight... or by feelings.
In cleaning my desk, I found some old church programs with the notes I took during the sermon in them. One of them was from when I visited Cornerstone back on September 13. I read them again. I remember being so "awakened" and awe-inspired about evangelism and how it was missing in my life... about how I didn't really understand... I heard the words before so many times, but I never really, truly understood in my heart. I actually kinda feel like that's how I lived most of my life as a Christian. Hearing about all these things... but not having experienced it and therefore not understanding. Kinda getting down on myself for not being able to check off the list of things that a "good Christian" does.
I used to make goals for myself... mission statements... every year... that I'd work on for the entire year. Like a new year's resolution. In recounting one of my early mission statements... I think I'd used 1 Timothy... in that I shouldn't let anyone look down on me for being young, but that I should be a good example of speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity. Five fingers. Five attributes. Simple, right? Wrong. Year after year, I'd fall short.
I can't remember when, but one day, I changed my yearly statement... that the fruit of the spirit would be outwardly evident in my life. Apparently, I'd already thought it was evident on the inside... I'd just wanted it to be evident on the outside. Eh. Still got it wrong but getting closer.
So. 2009. January 1st. I challenged my entire small group to write a purpose statement for themselves for this year. 2009 is also the year that I challenged myself with an accountability partner to spend time with God daily. We keep each other accountable on a google document. So January 1st, I put my purpose statement there. Every month on the first of the month, I reevaluate it and remind myself.
2009 Purpose Statement: To be filled by the Spirit, to be led by the Spirit and to lead others by the Spirit.
I don't even think I knew what I was doing when I wrote that. I didn't understand it, for sure. But God has really blessed me this year... the most I've ever been blessed in my entire life. If I had to go through the deepest depths of sorrow and anguish to truly taste the sweetness of the abundant life in Christ... so be it. If it took losing my husband to cancer for me to see and experience God... then that's what it took. God knows. He knows exactly what I need, when I need it, and for how long I needed it. Having a hard time finishing this thought. I'll move on.
Going back to basics... love God, love others. If we do that, everything else will fall into place. You don't need a checklist... you just need to love God. We can only love Him because He first loved us and He loved us with a love that is incomprehensible to us... He loved us enough to die for us so that we could be with Him. The more you love God, the more your heart becomes like His and you love what He loves and you do what He does... you do what He wants you to do. And what He does is, He loves people. What He wants you to do is to obey. Obey what? His Word... Jesus. How do you obey His Word? You have to read it. And not just read it. Do what it says. And not just once a week. Everyday. Just as you need to eat everyday to nourish your body, you need to "eat" the Bread of Life, the Word of God, daily to nourish your spirit... to be filled.
Hm. My brain's not really functioning right now. I think I'll stop now and write more another day. Sleepy. Crying makes me sleepy.
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