Some years, Christmas and New Year's are a big deal. I had a pretty mellow New Year's this year but I'm kinda glad because it gave me more time to think.
2009. What a year. 2009 was the most eventful year of my life thus far. I got married, got published, got licensed (registered nursing, that is...), lived 1/3 of this year in Texas, got widowed, went back to school... I think I've pretty much been just hanging out with people for the past few months. I don't know where the time went but I think 2009 went by pretty quickly.
Everyone does their year-in-review and then their projections and hopes for this coming year. One of my devotionals today said to look back at the rows of trees lining the road of your life. I remember this year... and then again, I don't. I went back to read my old blog posts. I am awestruck by what I wrote... by the person I was... and by the person I am now. It's hard for even me to believe I am who I am today. I can't believe what I went through. Anyway. I also went back to read some of the things people wrote us. This one is one of my favorites:
It's hard to brush the if only's aside when I read Tiff's email updates. Despite the anxiety and sadness that often come with those emails, a larger part of me enjoys reading them. For once, the voices and images of a society of broken relationships are silenced as I read about a couple whose tears and anguish exist only from the common desire to be with the other. In the complexities of life I have forgotten how simple love should be, what it can survive, endure, overcome, and even change. I am comforted by the fact that the kind of steadfast love described in the Bible is actually possible, one that is brought to life in Tiff's descriptions of your life together. I imagine its power as something like a bulletproof vest. Because no matter how many hits from the world you take, the heart strengthens steadily beneath the love that protects it. May 27, 2009.
Here's another one from about the same time...
Tiff, you are the girl that has changed his life. You are his love, and you have stood by him through everything, supporting and encouraging him. I thank you for that. The love you two share has been inspiring and impactful. I hope for that same faith, strength, and love that you have. Whatever the future holds, I know your love will be forever. May 28, 2009.2009. The year I learned love. The year I was loved.
Here and there, my heart still aches. 5 months ago, the words I used to describe how I felt were "curling up in agony as my heart seemed to collapse on itself", "it feels like every exhale is a silenced scream of anguish", "echoes, shadows, and faded images of him and of our life together seem to taunt me everywhere I look, everywhere I am". I remember feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my chest... and in its place a vacuum... a black hole that sucked every bit of life out of me... and everything I longed for and hoped for... vanished into oblivion. I remember it. But that's not how I feel now. PTL.
I still struggle. I struggle daily. I'm living a life of freedom, a life of joy... a life I never thought was possible... but I still battle. I don't think my life's any harder or easier than anyone else's... my life is my life... this is what God gave me... this is where I'm supposed to be and I hope I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Phil. 3:13-14.
I don't think I'll ever be able to forget 2009... but I'm not gonna let it weigh me down.
Thank you, everyone... for being here for me... for reading along as I write my journey... for your prayers, your thoughts, your love and your care. I wouldn't be where I am without you. And if I've never met you... I sure hope I get a chance to this coming year.
I'm looking forward to 2010... to boldly going where I've never gone before. I'm excited. I hope you are too. :)
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