Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Day 174 - Maui thoughts

Aloha! I'm in Maui this week, enjoying the weather, the beaches, the mountains, the sun... everything's so beautiful here. And I love how everything's decorated with flowers. I'm really glad I have the opportunity to vacation in the middle of January. Life is good.

Some random thoughts. Lots of time to think, but for some reason, my own thoughts don't seem to make sense to me. I'll just copy them here from my journal and see if you can make sense of much of it.

Quote from Streams today:
It is commonly thought that a protected and easy life is the best way to life. Yet the lives of all the noblest and strongest people prove exactly the opposite and that the endurance of hardship is the making of the person. It is the factor that distinguishes between merely existing and living a vigorous life. Hardship builds character.
Quote from Streams, Jan 10:
Beloved, when you are in doubt as to which way to turn, submit your judgment absolutely to the Spirit of God, asking Him to shut every door but the right one... In the meantime, continue along the path you have already been traveling. Persist in your calling until you are clearly told to do something else... be careful to obey His smallest nudging or warning. Then after you have prayed the prayer of faith & there are no apparent hindrances, go forward with a confident heart. Do not be surprised if your answer comes in doors closing before you. -F.B. Meyer
So, I promised I'd keep you all updated on the job stuff. I got the news today that I didn't get the job in Torrance. There's a lot I could say that begin with "at least...", but I won't do that. I don't think I need to. I don't need to console myself, I don't need to reassure myself that it was a worthwhile experience, or make myself feel better because the job market's pretty tough right now... I'm not disappointed. I'm not sad. You don't need to worry about me "handling" this form of rejection. I'm good. I'm OK.

I'm a little bit relieved that I have confirmation now that this particular door is closed for now. A few other doors have opened lately and I'm going to try walking through them. There's new things to submit before God, namely two more hospitals that I'm in the process of pursuing beyond online applications. I'm just doing my part right now... "tending my fields" and then waiting for God to bring the rain and do the growing.

My reactions to various situations still tend to baffle me... to the point that I really sit myself down and think why I'm NOT sad. Why aren't I disappointed? How come this didn't affect me at all? Did I not invest myself in it? Maybe I didn't want it that badly? Or maybe my faith has grown to a point where I know that if this isn't God's plan for me, that there's something else even better (or at least more worthwhile) lined up for me that I wouldn't have been able to do had I started a job in Torrance?

I feel similarly with regards to Anderson and my future with him. Some people may think that my healing and grieving process has progressed so quickly because I didn't really love him all that much. It is logical to assume that things that mean little to you are easy to let go and easy to get over. And it's true to some extent, but not in the case of my husband. I had never loved anyone or anything more than I love(d) Anderson. As much as I could at that time, I didn't hold back, I didn't keep anything for myself, and there was nothing I wouldn't do for him. As unselfishly and sacrificially as I was able to give... I gave. And God took him away... closed that door to my future with him.

With a door shut in your face, you can respond a few ways... mostly you either wait at the closed door or you turn and take a different path. Some choices are really hard to make when emotions reign your life, but small ones like getting out of bed... those little choices you can make. What did I choose to do those early days? I spent time with God, spent time with my family and friends... I blogged... a lot. Somewhere, somehow, sometime... the sum of my small choices led me to where I am right now... and where I am is in a place of peace, joy & thankfulness that I've never before experienced in my life. To be living a life with passion, with such purpose... with freedom... in abundance... I'm glad I'm here and I'm glad that a big heavy door had to close for me to get here.

Faith that God has a plan for my life that doesn't include Anderson as a major player in my life is something I couldn't even fathom less than a year ago. Faith is (1) believing what God says and (2) letting go of what I think I deserve. (1) is not possible without (2), and (2) is really scary without (1). Confidence in God's promises to me is what gives me the assurance that (2) is worthwhile.

How can I believe what God says? God has Existed, always... He is truly God, all-powerful, all knowing, unlimited by time & space... He created the earth and everything in it... He knows my thoughts, has numbered the hairs on my head and not even a leaf falls to the ground without him knowing... seriously... He is light and goodness and LOVE... above all else, He loves me and wants the best for me... why shouldn't I trust Him and what He says?

Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Let's say I'm lost in the forest & my good, trustworthy, and faithful friend is up in a helicopter and can see me and see where I need to go... I would be dumb to follow what I can see with my limited perspective and perception rather than trust what my friend can see. Kinda like that but a billion times better cuz God can see across time AND He's in control of all circumstances.

Faith is not illogical nor is it without reason, discernment or wisdom. If you don't believe God is God, then of course faith doesn't make sense. But regardless of whether or not you believe it... He IS. I choose to believe & follow the Perfect, the Genius of all geniuses, the Wisest of the wise, the Love above all loves, the most beautiful God ever. And He will never fail me.

OK, gotta go... I think I had more thoughts about listening to God... but I didn't write them in my journal so it'll take me a while to get it out... and my aunt's waiting for me. Til next time...

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