Tomorrow, the 22nd, will also mark the first day of my first nursing job.
I think I'm just being dramatic, but I'm seriously mourning the loss of my student lifestyle. After going to grad school almost right after undergrad, and then going straight into a nursing program afterwards... let's just say I'm ready to move on to another stage of my life, but I still appreciate the freedom and flexibility that being a full time student allows me. And all of that's going to change.
There've been lots of changes going on lately. Life's been pretty interesting, to say the least. Vibrant, perhaps.
I think one of the biggest changes has been... in my heart. I feel. I care. I care about people. I'm pretty fortunate to have so many people to care about and to care for. And I'm also pretty fortunate that my occupation is centered around caring for people as well. When I first started nursing school, I think I was more enamored with the fact that I was learning useful skills... practical skills... and I get to help people on the side. Now that I'm starting work, I feel thankful that I can primarily help people, not only through my useful, practical skills, but also care for them with a love that I've never known before. Basically, I'll be caring for people at work, caring for people when I'm not at work... I'm caring for people all the time and that makes me really happy to have so many opportunities to care.
This is so different than who I was before. Really. I didn't used to care for all that many people. Nothing much moved me... and the word "empathy" really didn't mean much of anything because I didn't empathize with hardly anyone. It was me in my world. And maybe Anderson too. To joy with someone else's joy? To hurt with someone else's hurt? It's almost as if my heart were cold and callous because it didn't feel much of anything. I had to force myself to care. Not so much now. Nowadays, stuff kinda just... overflows. It's not only that I have more love to give, but also that I have eyes that see where to give as well. My vision isn't perfect, but it's a lot more clear than it was before. Changes.
Another big change is... that I have a whole lot more to say nowadays. Anderson always used to tell me that I don't talk enough. I went back and read my blog post right before his memorial service and I wrote, in all honesty, "I'm not a talker". And it was true. What I appreciated about Anderson was that he knew and understood my heart... and he could speak for me when I couldn't speak for myself. Nowadays... I could probably spend an average of 1.5-2 hours talking with someone, then spend another 2 hours talking to someone else... and then another 2 hours talking to someone else. The other day, I met up with a friend and pretty much talked for 3.5 hours straight. The sun set as I was talking. I was telling another friend that I couldn't believe I just spent 3.5 hours talking to someone, and she said "I believe it". Hm, imagine that. When did I get so chatty?
There's just so much more to talk about now. I have thoughts I've never thought before. I have an understanding of God, myself and life that I've never had before. Every single day, there's new adventures and new blessings. My heart smiles for things I never took the time to notice before. Life just makes sense now. Life has a purpose, a direction... and I have a lot of peace about that.
I never would have thought that I'd be a happier, more peaceful, more content person after the death of my husband. I was that girl who went into such a depression after breaking up with my first boyfriend that I lost 20 pounds in a month because I wouldn't eat. Just a break up. Not even the death of my husband, the love of my life. This happiness, peace, and contentment... is definitely not characteristic of me. If you had tried to describe me now to my younger self, I would have said that you were lying. It was impossible for me to have joy or passion... that was something that other people were born with but not me. Our God is the God of the impossible and who I am today... is a testimony of what impossibly wonderful things He can do in terribly boring and imperfect people like me.
Oh my words could not tell, not even in part
Of the debt of love that is owed by this thankful heart.
I don't chat it up with everyone though. I don't know why sometimes the floodgates open and why sometimes they're closed. Hm. Like right now, they're closing... because...I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go to bed. Hafta wake up kind of early tomorrow. Will continue thoughts later. Maybe tomorrow. Night!