Thursday, June 10, 2010

Day 323 - unattached

When the day-count hit the 300's, I was amazed. Now it's well into the 300's. I don't count the days everyday... only when I blog. Day 365 is not too far off.

It's been over 10 months since I've been back from Houston. I still demarcate the events of my life in reference to when I came back to Cali last August. It tells me that being in Houston was a moment in my life where there was a shift in focus. Maybe it's kind of like Spiderman... how he shoots out a web thingee and then swings from it. I let go of my old web thingee when my new web thingee shot out and stuck to Houston. I've been swinging on that one web thingee ever since. It was new, it was different... it was further than anything I've ever swung from abrupt turning point in my life... a pivotal juncture. Now I'm starting to feel like it's time to shoot out a new web thingee to swing from... but I don't think I can until I've completely let the old one go. I don't know what scares me more... letting go of the old one or moving on and shooting out a new one. One thing's for sure... I'm not gonna go anywhere until I let go. There will be a moment in time where I don't have any web thingee to hold on to... after I let go and before a new one sticks... unattached. I think that's pretty much where I am right now.

I knew that at some point I was going to have to stop counting. I'm going to have to stop basing everything off of Anderson and Houston and my marriage. I'll have to start moving on to a new life with new turning points. But I'll never forget. Never ever. I just feel like... it's getting close to being that time... time to let go.

I've stopped wearing my engagement ring. I can't remember when I stopped but I think it's been at least a month. I just checked my old blog posts. It's been almost 2 months since I've stopped wearing it. I don't wear any rings to work... but I have a feeling that ppl talk. Even though I've only told a few people about my situation... I think... maybe more people know than I've told. One of my co-workers asked me randomly if I was dating anyone. I was a little puzzled... because I thought that this particular co-worker would have known. I asked her, "didn't they tell you...?" and she said "yes, I know... but I was just wondering..." I told her that it's only been 10 months. Only. Sometimes it seems like a big number... sometimes it seems like a small one.

I still think about him everyday. I don't know if that'll ever change.

There are a lot of things that I've wanted to write about. I have a semi-mental note about a few things I've wanted to flesh out. Maybe... today... I'll write a little bit about... hm. I don't know. Maybe about... changes.

I wrote a big long thing about being fat but I don't have time to finish it so I'm going to switch gears to speed this up because I have to be at the hospital kind of early tomorrow, I haven't finished packing, and I haven't taken a shower yet. BAD. I'm also wide awake.


Notable changes... I'm leaving FCBC. I'm leaving my small group... the group of women who have been my strength and joy for the past 5 years. I'm leaving the church I've been attending since I was 6 years old. I have my reasons and absolutely none of them are because I dislike the church or have any bitterness or resentment towards them. I've taken the past few months to really flesh out my reasons for leaving... to meet up with people... to speak to my pastors about it. I told myself that May would be my last month at FCBC... it's June already. I do have a plan. But the plan has a lot of variables. I'm just going to have to wait and see how it goes. Being in between churches is part of me flying through the air without having shot out another web thingee yet.

Friends. It's really hard to have to think about this but... I know that changing churches means that I'm going to be leaving behind a lot of friends. Doesn't mean they will cease to be my friends but it does mean I won't be seeing them as often or frequently... so I'm going to have to let go of them as well. I wanted to continue to maintain my relationships with the same frequency as before... but it's gotten harder since I've started work and it will get even harder in the future. I expend a LOT of effort to keep up with people but I think it's getting to the point where I cannot physically maintain them all at the level that I'd like to any longer. There's no way I can hold on to this web and also move on and attach to something new.

There are also a few other things that I've been needing to let go... and it's scary. Unhealthy things... need to just let them go. These are things and/or people that have been my pillars... that have held me up and supported me structurally, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually since I got back from Houston... Things are different now. My needs are different, my availability is different... and I think... I can't play the "widow" card for very much longer. I'm doing OK and I have no reason to get any special treatment any longer. I thought that it was just me and God... but it's been me and God and all the people around me. It will always be me and God... and other people around me but... I think that this time of flying unattached... will be a good time of testing how much of it is (me and God) + friends and not (me + friends) with God. I don't know if that makes any sense but I'm going to stop typing now because I have stuff to get done. I'll write more soon.

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