oil can

Wow, it's almost been a month since I've last written.  It almost feels like this blog was my friend or constant companion to whom I could tell the utterings of my heart whenever I felt like it... and since my posts have gotten fewer and fewer as time has gone by... I do actually miss writing to you, blog.  I feel like there's so much I haven't shared with you... so many life events that have come and gone.

December has really just flown by.  Life since Thanksgiving has been a whirlwind of work, hanging out, going out and then recovering from all of that in the comfort of my bed.  Even now, I have decided that sitting at my desk is "too much work" so I busted out my lap desk (which I haven't used much since nursing school's ended) and am writing in bed... with an electric blanket warming my legs and my fleece robe warming my arms.  For a split second before I remembered I have a robe...I wished I had a snuggie... but a snuggie is pretty much a long, backwards robe with a pocket.  I'm good.  :)  It was kind of nice... to wish for something and then to realize that you had it all along... just had to flip it around and use it a different way. 

I got CL'd tonight for 6 hours.  That means that our census is low on our floor so they don't need as many nurses as are scheduled to work.  I'll call in a few hours to ask if they need me to come in.  If they need me, I'll go in to work, if not, I get the rest of the night off.  I consider being CL'd as being given bonus life.  And today, I think I need to just rest.  I also feel a little dizzy. Definitely a good night to rest.

So very many thoughts I've pondered lately.  What to share?

I think I want to write about faith, but... we'll see what comes out.

Right now... I feel so very thankful.  And very encouraged.  I've had some rough days... some rough weeks... but through it all I see how God's faithfulness to me has been proven time and time again.  It is quite marvelous.

^{Philemon 15} Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back forever

Anderson wrote me a letter a while ago... in 2008.  I'm pretty sure he gave it to me back then, but he put it in a folder with videos that he made for me the night before we got married.  I open that letter every once in a while and it reminds me of the things he would tell me if he were still here.  I know he'd still tell me because he told me these things every day of our life together.  He always told me he loved me.  He never let me forget the reasons why. 

I love everything about you. Everything. And i mean it. You can be "mean", but you're like a good teacher that someone eventually learns to appreciate within time. You can be blunt, but you're honest. i always tell you to do things out of love... and you have. We've come a long way darling... and I look forward to going a long ways with you still. - Anderson Chen to Tiffany Ng, August 2008.

I have come a long way and I know it.  I have been forever changed by my beloved and I am still growing and changing... and waiting for the day that we will be reunited.  I know he'd be proud of me.  The more life I live, the more I'm convinced that my husband was an amazing person, if not THE most amazing person I've ever met.  I miss him so much sometimes I can barely breathe.

I want to tell you about this situation at work, but I don't know where to start.  I've been working at my hospital for almost a year now.  Hard to believe how quickly "experience" has added up.  I remember being so overwhelmed in the beginning that I contemplated whether or not I should have become something else other than a nurse... a respiratory therapist... an occupational therapist... something else.  I can't remember when I started to come to work without anxiety and fear.  I distinctly remember having a conversation with someone back in May where I told him that work is work... I enjoy it at times... I tolerate it at most... but all in all... "it's alright".  Things have definitely changed.  I love my job and I am pretty much convinced that I was meant to be a nurse and this is exactly where I need to be right now. There's something very peaceful about knowing that you are in the right place, at the right time, and doing what you need to be doing.  There is no doubt in my mind.  Tiffany Ng...er...Chen was meant to be an R.N. 

There is an old story of an elderly man who always carried a little can of oil with him everywhere he went, and when he would go through a door that squeaked, he would squirt a little oil on the hinges...so he went through life, lubricating all the difficult places, making it easier for all those who came after him...Do you carry your own can of oil with you? Are you ready with your oil of helpfulness in the morning? If you offer your oil to the person nearest you, it may just lubricate the entire day for him. Your oil of cheerfulness will mean more than you know to someone who is downhearted. Or the oil may be a word of encouragement to a person who is full of despair. Never fail to speak it, for our lives may touch others only once on the road of life, and then our paths may diverge, never to meet again. -Streams in the Desert, Dec 8.

I've been thankful for the little moments where I've felt that I was exactly where I needed to be at that particular moment.  I had such a moment a few days ago.  I was assigned to take care of a terminally ill patient.  His wife never left his side. I like it when family members are with the patients.  It makes me happy to see them there. Anyway, so I went in, introduced myself like always, and did my assessment. I asked the wife how she was holding up.  I listened as she talked to me for a few minutes.  Nurses come and go so frequently, she said. I asked if she goes home every once in a while.  She told me she packs for a few days, goes home every few days to shower and do laundry and comes right back.  She told me that other people try to spend the night but they can't sleep there like she can.  I can't remember exactly what I said... but probably something like, "I slept on hospital chairs for 2 months when my husband was in the hospital. I completely understand."

The way she cared for him reminded me of myself when we were living in the hospital in Houston.  Even the way she would sleep in the hospital chairs alongside his bed and reach over to hold his hand... reminded me of the way we used to sleep.  Anyway... our interaction was brief.  I had other patients to assess, meds to pass, and then charting.  My co-worker passed by while I was charting and he told me, "hey... the wife really likes you".  I told him, "but I haven't even done anything".  And that was that.

Throughout the night, she started to give me inklings that she did trust me and wanted to make sure that I'd be coming back to care for her husband.  Before I left work, she asked me if I was coming back again that night and would I get assigned to take care of him again.  I told her that I was scheduled to come back and if they switched my assignment, I would make sure that I'd take care of him the next night.  She said, "oh good.  I'll wait for you to come before I go".

After that, I went to talk to my co-worker again.  I told him, "I think she does like me.  She keeps asking me if I'm coming back".  He said that he'd been in that hallway for 2 weeks and he's never taken care of her husband, but he talks to her all the time.  He said that she really appreciates compassionate nurses and that you understand what she's going through.  She wants you to come back because she knows you'll take care of him and she's excited to sleep in her own bed.

That whole conversation really took me back to the ICU in Houston.  I may have only spent 1 night away from Anderson our entire marriage.  It's extremely difficult to sleep in an ICU and it's even more difficult to sleep when you're so worried about who's going to take care of your husband when you're not watching.  In the 2 months that I lived with Anderson in the hospital, I met a LOT of nurses.  There were ones I liked, there were ones I really didn't like.  The night nurses especially.  There was only one night nurse in the ICU who I trusted completely.  I never worried when she was working.  I knew she'd take care of him the way I would if I could.  I knew that she'd never let him sit in his own poop.  I knew she'd turn him every 2 hours.  I knew if something happened, she'd notice.  And I knew that she cared about us... beyond what a normal nurse would.  She took the time to talk to me like a real person.  I told her stories, she told us stories.  She became my friend.

The only nights I slept more than a few hours at a time were the nights she was working.  The peace of mind she gave me was priceless. Going through the most horrendous moments of my life... was made just a little bit better by having her there... doing her job in such a way... that showed me her heart.  She even gave me an anniversary present.  We "celebrated" our 6-month anniversary in that ICU room two weeks before he passed away.  She was even there for me for that as well.

I still email her every once in a while.  This afternoon I thanked her for being an awesome nurse...for gifting me with priceless hours of rest and peace of mind when I needed it most... and for teaching me how to be and do the same for someone else.

^{2 Corinthians 1:3-4} Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 

If everything I've experienced the past few years had led me up to the point where I could be that nurse for someone else... I am glad that I went through it.  For the moments in which our lives intersected and touched... and then will probably diverge and never meet again... I'm glad that I was there at that particular moment for her.  It is as if God prepared me to be a nurse, a widow, a recipient of comfort and grace... for that one moment...  and I showed up with my oil.  I didn't even intend to do it.  It was as if, just being who I am, arriving at work, and doing what I do everyday... was good enough to be special to someone else. 

I'm not QUITE sure if it was as meaningful to her as it was to me.  I got called off today so I may not see her again. 

Here's what I wrote in my journal 10 days ago... over a week before the interaction with this patient's wife:

All things happen for a purpose. We don't always know for what purpose or why. Sometimes we get an inkling... a mere glimmer of the glory of His masterful handiwork. 

I stand amazed.  That perhaps Anderson departed for this purpose... for me to receive the riches and glory of an abundant life in Him... for me to be comforted so I may comfort others... to prepare me for... something? to write to someone? to speak to someone? to touch a life from near or afar? to intersect with every single person I've met or reconnected with this past year... to everyone who's received a smile, a handshake... I am who I am today because he departed for a while and because God never left me alone. He has done a great work in me. I stand amazed and in awe.  Peace. Love. Joy.  

I'm sorry.. this is getting really long but... I think there's one more thing I wanted to write about or think through as I write it out. 

I was watching House a few weeks ago or I can't even remember when... it was the episode about how the patient would crucify himself on a cross every year because he made a promise to do so if God healed his daughter of a brain tumor.  I honestly don't think that was the "right" thing to do... to bargain with God like that... but whatever, it's TV.  Seeing the patient argue with House about faith... about faithfulness... I think House had tricked the guy by lying to him and giving him treatment that he didn't want.. and then he said "HA! so where's this God of yours..." and then the patient said... "God is gracious... even when we fail Him, He never fails us" and then House says, "so if good things happen, God's good.  If bad things happen, God's gracious..." as if believing in God was the ultimate cop out...that it is illogical to believe in God. 

The whole thing didn't sit well with me.  For many reasons.  I thought about what I would say to someone else if they had said those things to me.  To reconcile logic and faith... I think I used to think that that you could be logical up to a point and then faith would have to take it the rest of the way.  The more I learn about God, the more I logically see that it is illogical NOT to have faith in Him.  For everything He's shown us across all of history and time, for all I have witnessed in the lives of others... and for the transformation I have experienced in my own life... my own personal experience... and not just once, but on a daily basis... it is illogical for me to think that I have any other choice but to have faith in God... it is natural.  If you truly believed that God is all powerful, you should believe that He has the power to do all things, even contrary to nature or what you've experienced with your own two eyes.  I have only lived 28 years.  He has existed for an eternity.  My experience is limited to suburban California life as an Asian American female.  How could I even think that I know better God who has existed since before even man showed up. If you know that God loves to give good gifts to His children and that He always will take care of your needs... why worry?  It'll all work out. 


God is good.  He is all good.  There is nothing good apart from Him.  The bad things in life... really aren't as bad as you think.  Death is not as bad as you may think... although, I guess it is actually worse than you think if you don't consider the eternal consequences of sin in your life. 

God has blessed me immensely. When I say that God loves to give me the desires of my heart... it is also to say that the ultimate desire of my heart is to love and honor Him.  He loved me first and He has shown me His love incessantly since the day I was born, even if I choose not to recognize it.  Just because I don't feel it sometimes, doesn't mean that He isn't there or that He doesn't love me. 

I don't really FEEL it as much anymore... but if I think back and force myself to remember... I have also suffered immensely and I continue to "suffer" through minor issues here and there. But I have hope.  I have hope that whatever goes on in this life... is not the be all end all... it's just a training ground.  I need to take it seriously because it is my life and I've only been given one chance to live it on this earth... but also not to make this life all that I live for. 

The word "trust" is the heart of faith and is the Old Testament word given to the infant, or early, stages of faith. The word "faith" conveys more an act of the will, while the word "belief" conveys an act of the mind or intellect, but trust is the language of the heart. The words "faith" and "belief" refer more to a truth believed or to something expected to happen.

Trust implies more than this, for it sees and feels and it leans on those who have a great, living, and genuine heart of love. Therefore let us "trust also in him" (Ps.37:5), through all the delays, in spite of all the difficulties, and in the face of all the rejection we encounter in life. And in spite of our feelings and evidence to the contrary, and even when we cannot understand our way or our situation, may we still "trust also in him; [for] he shall bring it to pass." The way will open, our situation will be changed, and the end result will be peace. The cloud will finally be lifted, and the light of eternal noonday will shine at last.  -Streams in the Desert, December 15.

I trust, with love, that God has put me in the exact place I am meant to be.  I am equipped with exactly what I need.  He even has given me above and beyond more than I can ask or imagine.  What He has withheld, He has withheld for a reason... for a purpose.  In Him is all wisdom and I also trust in that.  He has granted me every desire of my heart, and then some... and what I don't have yet and still desire... I yield to His timing.  If I am not meant to have it... I'm sure it is for the best.  If it is good for me, I'm sure it'll come.  In the meantime... I make the most with what I've got and what I've got is pretty darn awesome. 

Someone told me yesterday that I have a very special, well-developed view of the silver lining of life.  Interesting.  Silver lining... of what exactly?  I feel like all of life is one big silver lining.  What is it lining?  Maybe I haven't thought it through yet.  OK this is getting way long so I'll just end it now. 

Maybe I'm dizzy because I need to eat something.  But I had chocolate chex... hm. 4 hrs ago.  Time to eat again. 

<3,
Tiff