Monday, August 22, 2011

Part II: heart stuff

I guess the work stuff was just more of a story I wanted to share.  Updates.  The heart stuff is actually what I wanted to think through and ponder with you guys.  If you had asked me how I was doing lately... and I said I was OK... I think that "OK" would be the average between the stuff that's going on at work and the stuff that's going on in my heart.  Work stuff is pretty excellent.  Very exciting.  Lots of changes and prospects on the horizon.  Emotionally... quite the opposite.  Void.  Desert wasteland.  Maybe not "emotionally"... romantically?  Eh.  Emotionally.  Final answer.  Very unstable.  Lonely. 

The two things I like doing on my days off... shopping and eating... ideally with friends... but sometimes it's just me. 

I think a few friends have seen my facial expression when I eat a Paulette macaron... and they've made comments like... they can tell I'm just so happy.  Like I could die right there and be at peace. 

And then something about shopping... to adorn myself with pretty things... also makes me happy.  I express myself through my clothes, my shoes... but sometimes... I don't dress for myself.  Sometimes I dress for other people.  I was in the bathroom of a restaurant the other day.  I looked at myself and thought, "I don't look very attractive today.  Today I dressed for me."  There are certain clothes that people wear when they're trying to be attractive.  A tight black dress, stiletto heels.  I really did think to myself... if I want to attract people... I should have been dressing like that.  But what kind of people would I be attracting?  Do I WANT someone to notice me first because of the tight black dress?  Honestly... most of the time I don't... but sometimes I do.  Sometimes, I'm just tired of being single. 

I dream a lot.  Some people don't remember their dreams... sometimes I wish I didn't... sometimes I'm glad I do.  I've had a few... not super pleasant dreams... but they were kinda nice in that I got to "see" Anderson for a little bit.  The first dream... he was there but he was fading out of consciousness... and for some reason, he was hooked up to an EKG and I could tell his heart was failing.  So I started doing compressions.  I begged him not to leave me.  I think I woke up while I was doing compressions in the dream.  He never got a normal rhythm back before I woke up.  The second one lately... he was asleep in another room.  His dad tried really hard to keep people out so he could rest.  It was nice... except... I'm his wife.  I should be able to just sit with him if I want.  So I walked in and I think as I closed the door, I saw his eyes open.  I went over to kiss him and then my alarm went off.  I didn't wake up crying.  I guess that's OK.  I didn't really get to interact with him at all in those dreams... but I did get to "see" him... at least for a little while.

I don't know why but I rarely get frustrated with the fact that I'm widowed. I think the most frustrating thing about it really isn't the fact that it happened... it's that I'm alone again.  When I think about my marriage... my husband... I marvel at the fact that we found each other.  My time with Anderson was beautiful.  When I met him, I was like 20 or 21 years old.  I didn't know what I was doing... I just thought that... hey that guy's kinda cute... we get along really well... let's just spend time together and date.  Did I know that at 21, I met the man I would eventually marry?  Did I know that this little guy in the Express jeans would be the man who would open up my heart and show me what true love is?  Did I know that happenchancing on Anderson would change the course of my life?  No.  Of course not.  I was just a dumb little girl back then.  Well... the same height, but... "little" nonetheless.  And now here I am... 8 years later... alone again.  I look around at everyone who's dating or getting married or who got married and they seem so lucky.  How do people find each other?  How does love just happen for some people?  And is it possible for it to happen again?  Do I even WANT it to happen again?  Would it be the same?  Would it be better?  Would I be happier or just more frustrated? 

Maybe it's just the fact that things seem to be going so well at work for me... that I'm dwelling on the area that God has been putting on hold for the moment.  Maybe I'm just being hormonal or being a girl... but the other day... I don't know why... but I heard this phrase over and over and over in my head: who would want you?

Who would want YOU?

I can't even think about that day without crying.  I cried the entire day.  I was driving, and it would play in my head... as if someone were right next to me and taunting me.  I heard it.  It was so real... so audible.  It was so hurtful.

It kinda reminded me of when Harry opened the horcrux locket... and it just exploded on Ron with darkness... a thick, dark cloud... and if that weren't scary enough... all my deepest insecurities made audible by an evil, hissing voice... who would want YOU?

Every single time I heard it... I burst into tears.  It was a sad, sad day.

But you know what?  Every time I heard someone say, "who would want YOU?"... I also heard another voice saying, "I do."  As many times as I heard that question asked... I also heard the answer.  "I do".  And that voice belonged to Jesus.  I am quite certain.  No one else could hear my insecurity and be there immediately to answer.  No one else could meet that darkness with the perfect response, with such a strong voice of confidence and assurance.  Only Someone who has known me my whole life... who has loved me before I was even born... who has been watching and waiting... only Someone who was butt crazy, madly in love with me would come to my rescue time and time again... to stand up for me and claim me as His... not only when I'm at my best... but when I'm a crumpled, splotchy, snotty mess... leaking from my eyes... leaking from my nose... my mouth contorted in broken agony at that terrible question... "who would want YOU?"

Someone told me recently that I was an optimist... and he was a realist.  I also remember hearing a sermon preached where the pastor said he was a realist.  I used to think I was a realist too.  That's just a nice way of saying that I'm a pessimist... that I saw the constant disappointment that came from trusting people... and I just decided to give up and trust no more.  One strange thing about being that kind of "realist"... I was halfway close to being right... you really can't put your faith in people.  They WILL always let you down... so why did I keep on wanting to put my trust in them?  That's like... deciding that I'm a "realist" but then not fully committing to it.  If I decide that I can't put my faith in people... I should have fully decided not to put my faith in people... and then go find something worthy of my faith... someone who will NEVER leave me, never forsake me... never let me down.  He is incapable of making mistakes... He is perfect.  He is incapable of hurting me with his sin... He is holy, holy, holy.  He will never lose interest in me and "break up" with me... He has been captivated by me since before I was born.  He'll never be unprepared, He is always on time... He's got style, He's got class.  He's strong as a lion, gentle as a lamb.  He is a mighty King and yet... He humbled Himself to know pain for our sake.  He bore the wrath for my sake... He paid my debt for me.  I am no longer worthless before God... I am a co-heir of His kingdom... royalty now... by grace alone.  He is worthy because He IS.

He wants me.  Forever and ever.  He loves me.  Forever and ever. 

Every time I heard the "I do"... I started to cry anew.  Jesus was pretty confident that He wanted me.  How come I couldn't be as confident to stand at His side and be claimed?  Was it because I wanted someone else to say "I do"?  Some dude... here on earth?  Maybe.  But would that just be setting myself up for another one of those "realist" scenarios?  Not fully realizing that what I want, I already have?  Not allowing Him to be enough for me?

That's not to say that Jesus wouldn't want me to get married.  I think that my marriage was very God glorifying.  Not mutually exclusive things... just the things in my heart... the desires of my heart... maybe the answer is no... that I'll never have it again in this lifetime... maybe it's wait... wait until the time comes.  I don't know.

You know... it seems to be that... God takes care of me in every possible way.  He takes care of my body... my career... my schooling... my work stuff... I'm very well taken care of.  Why would I think that God wouldn't also think about this too?  If I don't have to worry about eating or drinking or the clothes that cover my body... if God hasn't just given me the bare necessities but has given me exceedingly abundantly more than I can ask or think... why wouldn't He also in this area of my life?  Wouldn't He also take care of my heart as well as my body?

That same person who told me he was a realist... also told me that my cup is so half full, it's full.

I wonder... it's not that I don't feel pain.  It's not that I don't recognize the empty areas of my life.  It's not that I don't cry.  It's not that I am immune to searing pain or deep longing or despairing depression.  I do feel it.  It is there.  All of that is... real to some extent... but also not real at the same time.  It's like... a half truth.  The empty parts of the cup... aren't always detriments... sometimes they're just there to remind me of the fullness that exists in spite of them.  The night sky which makes the stars shine brighter... the black velvet which makes my diamond even more brilliant.

Sometimes I just have to feel the darkness... to remind myself of the light.  I dunno.  I don't know if I'm making sense anymore.  I'm tired.  I did want to write more about Harry Potter.  No brain juice left.  Another day perhaps.


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