Lavish Love: gifts and bubblies

Hm. It's been a while since I last posted. Many thoughts. All scattered. My brain isn't functioning optimally lately... I'm stressed, I'm exhausted... I'm struggling.

I did have a thought a week or so ago. I'll try to write it out now. It was about gifts.

I think a few weeks ago I was having a pity party for myself. I was lying in bed, crying... I was so sad. I felt like my outsides were going to collapse into the middle of my chest and I was going to cease to exist. Like... how in the Star Trek movie when what's-his-Romulin-face created the black hole in the center of Vulcan and the entire planet was consumed... that's how it felt. I was lying in bed... collapsing within myself and crying out... maybe to God... maybe to no one in particular... but I cried out and asked, "where did my bubblies go?"

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me. I used to have bubblies... joy... fizziness... that got me out of bed and propelled me through the day. I would open that door at the top of the stairs and would enter Tower 2 with a smile... wondering what the day was going to be like... who I was going to get to meet... what fun conversations I was going to have...

So... where did my bubblies go? I dunno. I felt like life had thrown a giant dose of simethicone or Gas-X onto my bubblies and I had been de-fizzed. Flat. Stale.

And then I thought a little bit... and I realized how selfish I was being. How all I cared about was my own feelings, my own sadness... and I didn't even know how some of my closest friends were doing. How could I expect anyone to be my friend when I wasn't being theirs? So I thought I'd try to see how a few were doing. There were only a few ppl that I wanted to even talk to at that moment. My first choice... my calls aren't gonna get through until I get to heaven. I texted my next choice... no response. So I called... and she answered. Thank God. The perfect person answered. I didn't even know what I was going to say but somehow a conversation went on and ended with a prayer that touched my heart... and gave me enough peace to fall asleep. I woke up with a heart that felt loved... by God and by the people God sends to reach out to me... and then a renewed desire to spend less time pondering my own sadness and more time reaching out to people I thought I didn't have the time to reach out to. I really don't have a whole LOT of time... but I had somehow slowly convinced myself that I didn't have enough time for people... and then I became a yucky version of myself.

I can't say that my bubblies have completely and fully returned but I think they're well on their way. In the midst of my loss of gassy-ness... I pondered what I used to do that made me happy. I used to go to the park on my days off. I used to visit my heart-leaf tree. I used to stop by the neighbor's houses and stare at the flowers in bloom. I used to think about people and email them or text them to let them know I was thinking of them. So I decided to just start doing the things I used to love doing.

Among a mass flurry of emailing and facebook messaging... I randomly thought of someone... and amazon'd her a bag of Chia seeds because I thought that she might like them. It's a highly unusual gift... a bag of Chia seeds. You'd have to have an understanding about me, about the way I show people I care, and about how awesome I think Chia seeds are... to begin to appreciate the gift I'm giving. There is almost always a thought behind the gifts I give. Either you mentioned that you liked it in a conversation... or I like it and I want to share it with you... or I somehow feel that it would be useful to you or meet your needs in some way... or... I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. I almost always try to write a note explaining the gift... just in case it is really that weird that you wouldn't understand it unless I explained it. It kinda does give me joy to buy things for people as I think of them or run across things I think they might like. It gives me even more joy to see/hear that the gift is being used by the person I gave it to... in the ways I intended them to use it or even better.

And then it made me think of God and His love to give good gifts to His children.

God only gives good things. Sometimes it might not seem like it at first... but maybe it's because I just don't get it yet. Or I opened the box and pulled out a bag of Chia seeds and got confused as to what it's for, what I'm supposed to do with it, and who in the world would send such a bizarre gift. Maybe the note will follow the gift. Maybe a note will never come. But I always know who sends me strange and wonderful things... and I just have to trust that whatever's in this box is just as wonderful, full of thoughtfulness and coming from a deep understanding of me that only God has... and perfectly suited and meant for me, and only me, as Anderson was.

My gifts. So many gifts.

I think about my gift of Anderson... and I remember I am blessed. I also consider my gift of widowdom... and I think about how God revealed Himself to me in the deepest valleys... through the shadow of death... and I cannot deny that the life I have now is even more rich and colorful than the life I lived before. I consider the gift of my job... as stressful and frustrating as it is... it sustains me financially... it gives me a lot to think about... it gives me opportunities to put my faith into practice... and I've met so many awesome people through work. I also consider the gift of education. Not very many people would be able to or even want to go back for a 4th helping of higher education... and honestly, sometimes... OK a LOT of times, I wonder why I did this to myself. But... getting a nursing doctorate has helped me broaden my thinking about my profession... and it will also broaden my scope of practice and teach me the skills I wanted to take on the mission field one day. Without someone asking essay questions about problem areas in the workplace... I don't know if I ever would have put my thoughts about hospital visitation policy into writing... and actually think about what I can do to improve patient- and family-centered care in my workplace. That's my dissertation topic. Patient- and Family-Centered Care. A culmination of my experiences as a widow, as a nurse... as a person who wanted to do "something" to help people... and this is where I ended up. That vague "something" that drove me to get out of plant research and into public health and then into nursing... is now becoming somewhat of a reality. I'm really trying to "use" the gifts that God's given me... the experiences I've had... all my skills... using them all to enrich the rest... Sometimes I don't even think I know what the gift is for... I just pick it up and play with it and God ends up doing something crazy or amazing with it... just because I picked it up.

I've really been struggling with this class I'm taking now. It's called "evidence-based thinking for scholarship and practice"... but it's basically research methods and forcing me to decide on a research question, do a literature review and start writing the first chapter of my clinical dissertation. It's killing me. Not literally. But I'm really struggling... in ways I haven't struggled before in this program. I'm also kinda struggling at work. I transferred out of my telemetry unit and onto another telemetry floor... and I will be transferring into the ICU, God willing... if I survive. I also wondered why I interviewed for this position. Why did I put extra stress on myself? Why couldn't I just ride it out on a floor I was comfortable on... and have less stress at work so I could spend more time doing school stuff? Aye. Because I'm crazy and also because God has crazy plans for me too.

I think God knew that I would struggle really hard with this class. My class is 8 weeks long. I was asked to take a 6-week long critical care class on Wednesdays during the day. That means one less shift per week on the hospital floor and therefore one additional day that I could spend doing homework. My 6-week critical care class will end precisely when this school class ends. God's grace to me.

I've also been struggling hard with deciding what my research question was going to be. Because of the struggle and all the back-and-forth I've been doing, I haven't been able to finish my assignments early. Every single assignment, I'm working right up until the deadline and submitting like minutes before it's due. This is stressful for me too. I would really prefer to get things done early... but I haven't been able to for this class.

My director also suggested that I go to this critical care conference that I went to last Friday. At first, I was somewhat annoyed that I had to wake up at like 6am to spend all day at a nursing conference... but it ended up being a really good conference. And another act of God... one of the conference speakers ended up not being able to present... so they had two women present on Patient- and Family-Centered Care (PFCC)... the topic I'm writing on for my dissertation! One of the presenters is getting her DNP too and she's also doing her dissertation on PFCC. The other presenter has 3 kids with mitochondrial abnormalities and has so many stories about all the hospital units she's been in and out of... and it really just reminded me of... me. I got a chance to talk to the nurse getting her DNP and we've been emailing since then. She's willing to help me flesh out my topic, my passions... and offer help where she can. I could say that it was all coincidence, but I really find it hard to believe that it could be. God knows me. He knows exactly what I'm going through, exactly where my heart is struggling, exactly what I need and He just arranges it all so perfectly that I ended up at that particular conference... He had the other guy cancel and these two ladies take his place. Perfect providence is God's sovereignty at work.

I also had a really rough day at work last week. It started and ended with tears. And I could ignore it or think that it was all coincidence too... but a surprising number of people have been encouraging me lately. And have you ever gotten a gift that you really wanted, but you've never told anyone you did? Well... I got such a gift and it was nothing short of amazing.

I've always wanted to go to a football game. Seriously. Yeah. I never got to go in high school and ended up at like all kinds of colleges that don't have football teams. I think Chapman has one... but I don't wanna go by myself. Plus... I've tried watching football on TV and ended up having to ask friends so many questions... that I'm sure I wasn't much fun. Oh and I also like it when girls explain it to me. Guys know a lot more but for some reason... it's a lot harder for me to understand. I think Pami said it best when she told me that they've got 4 chances to get the ball across two lines. That was an enlightening moment. That made all the other random tidbits that I've gleaned from friends make a lot more sense. I still don't really get it but I know enough to appreciate it now. And it is quite exciting. I got like absolute royal treatment. If that was the only football game I ever go to, I think I would have absolutely no complaints. We sat 3 rows up from the field. We tailgated all fancy-like with caterers and chocolate fountains. We started walking down the stairs to our seats and kickoff happened... and before we even sat down, they scored a touchdown. It was super fun. AND I got to go with amazing people. We also went to get my three favorite desserts afterwards... 'Lette macarons, fried plantains and Dole Whip. I don't know how the day could have gone any better. Seriously amazing.

So what... was it 2 or 3 weeks ago that I was lamenting about my bubblies? God has since then showered me with amazing gifts from almost every angle possible. I haven't even written about every single gift. There have been people that I've randomly caught up with these past few weeks... amazing foods I've eaten... even a lunch that my dad packed for me which included fried rice that he made and two of my favorite "rare" fruits... a white nectarine and a golden kiwi and my mom's daily carrot juice which, in addition to the Chia seeds, has kept me more regular than usual.

I am amazed at the thoughtfulness of these gifts... both at the Ultimate Giver and His extreme love for me... and at the people and things He's chosen to utilize to gift me and bless me in amazing ways... ways which I cannot deny have been tailored specifically for me. I don't think the bubblies have returned in full force but it's getting there. And I know that joys don't automatically accompany blessings and the presence of them doesn't mean that I'll have joy... but it sure does help put a smile on my face when I get showered with love. And I even wonder if all the struggles and hardship make me appreciate the random gifts even more... like how light shines brighter in the midst of darkness.

Ok... I think this one was pretty long and I definitely need to get some rest.
<3,
Tiff

I know all these pics are on my fb but just in case... and also because it's fun to look back on when I do get a chance to read my old blog entries again... here are some pictures.