Part II: heart stuff

cookies...

I guess the work stuff was just more of a story I wanted to share.  Updates.  The heart stuff is actually what I wanted to think through and ponder with you guys.  If you had asked me how I was doing lately... and I said I was OK... I think that "OK" would be the average between the stuff that's going on at work and the stuff that's going on in my heart.  Work stuff is pretty excellent.  Very exciting.  Lots of changes and prospects on the horizon.  Emotionally... quite the opposite.  Void.  Desert wasteland.  Maybe not "emotionally"... romantically?  Eh.  Emotionally.  Final answer.  Very unstable.  Lonely. 

The two things I like doing on my days off... shopping and eating... ideally with friends... but sometimes it's just me. 

I think a few friends have seen my facial expression when I eat a Paulette macaron... and they've made comments like... they can tell I'm just so happy.  Like I could die right there and be at peace. 

And then something about shopping... to adorn myself with pretty things... also makes me happy.  I express myself through my clothes, my shoes... but sometimes... I don't dress for myself.  Sometimes I dress for other people.  I was in the bathroom of a restaurant the other day.  I looked at myself and thought, "I don't look very attractive today.  Today I dressed for me."  There are certain clothes that people wear when they're trying to be attractive.  A tight black dress, stiletto heels.  I really did think to myself... if I want to attract people... I should have been dressing like that.  But what kind of people would I be attracting?  Do I WANT someone to notice me first because of the tight black dress?  Honestly... most of the time I don't... but sometimes I do.  Sometimes, I'm just tired of being single. 

I dream a lot.  Some people don't remember their dreams... sometimes I wish I didn't... sometimes I'm glad I do.  I've had a few... not super pleasant dreams... but they were kinda nice in that I got to "see" Anderson for a little bit.  The first dream... he was there but he was fading out of consciousness... and for some reason, he was hooked up to an EKG and I could tell his heart was failing.  So I started doing compressions.  I begged him not to leave me.  I think I woke up while I was doing compressions in the dream.  He never got a normal rhythm back before I woke up.  The second one lately... he was asleep in another room.  His dad tried really hard to keep people out so he could rest.  It was nice... except... I'm his wife.  I should be able to just sit with him if I want.  So I walked in and I think as I closed the door, I saw his eyes open.  I went over to kiss him and then my alarm went off.  I didn't wake up crying.  I guess that's OK.  I didn't really get to interact with him at all in those dreams... but I did get to "see" him... at least for a little while.

I don't know why but I rarely get frustrated with the fact that I'm widowed. I think the most frustrating thing about it really isn't the fact that it happened... it's that I'm alone again.  When I think about my marriage... my husband... I marvel at the fact that we found each other.  My time with Anderson was beautiful.  When I met him, I was like 20 or 21 years old.  I didn't know what I was doing... I just thought that... hey that guy's kinda cute... we get along really well... let's just spend time together and date.  Did I know that at 21, I met the man I would eventually marry?  Did I know that this little guy in the Express jeans would be the man who would open up my heart and show me what true love is?  Did I know that happenchancing on Anderson would change the course of my life?  No.  Of course not.  I was just a dumb little girl back then.  Well... the same height, but... "little" nonetheless.  And now here I am... 8 years later... alone again.  I look around at everyone who's dating or getting married or who got married and they seem so lucky.  How do people find each other?  How does love just happen for some people?  And is it possible for it to happen again?  Do I even WANT it to happen again?  Would it be the same?  Would it be better?  Would I be happier or just more frustrated? 

Maybe it's just the fact that things seem to be going so well at work for me... that I'm dwelling on the area that God has been putting on hold for the moment.  Maybe I'm just being hormonal or being a girl... but the other day... I don't know why... but I heard this phrase over and over and over in my head: who would want you?


Who would want YOU?


I can't even think about that day without crying.  I cried the entire day.  I was driving, and it would play in my head... as if someone were right next to me and taunting me.  I heard it.  It was so real... so audible.  It was so hurtful.

It kinda reminded me of when Harry opened the horcrux locket... and it just exploded on Ron with darkness... a thick, dark cloud... and if that weren't scary enough... all my deepest insecurities made audible by an evil, hissing voice... who would want YOU?

Every single time I heard it... I burst into tears.  It was a sad, sad day.

But you know what?  Every time I heard someone say, "who would want YOU?"... I also heard another voice saying, "I do."  As many times as I heard that question asked... I also heard the answer.  "I do".  And that voice belonged to Jesus.  I am quite certain.  No one else could hear my insecurity and be there immediately to answer.  No one else could meet that darkness with the perfect response, with such a strong voice of confidence and assurance.  Only Someone who has known me my whole life... who has loved me before I was even born... who has been watching and waiting... only Someone who was butt crazy, madly in love with me would come to my rescue time and time again... to stand up for me and claim me as His... not only when I'm at my best... but when I'm a crumpled, splotchy, snotty mess... leaking from my eyes... leaking from my nose... my mouth contorted in broken agony at that terrible question... "who would want YOU?"

Someone told me recently that I was an optimist... and he was a realist.  I also remember hearing a sermon preached where the pastor said he was a realist.  I used to think I was a realist too.  That's just a nice way of saying that I'm a pessimist... that I saw the constant disappointment that came from trusting people... and I just decided to give up and trust no more.  One strange thing about being that kind of "realist"... I was halfway close to being right... you really can't put your faith in people.  They WILL always let you down... so why did I keep on wanting to put my trust in them?  That's like... deciding that I'm a "realist" but then not fully committing to it.  If I decide that I can't put my faith in people... I should have fully decided not to put my faith in people... and then go find something worthy of my faith... someone who will NEVER leave me, never forsake me... never let me down.  He is incapable of making mistakes... He is perfect.  He is incapable of hurting me with his sin... He is holy, holy, holy.  He will never lose interest in me and "break up" with me... He has been captivated by me since before I was born.  He'll never be unprepared, He is always on time... He's got style, He's got class.  He's strong as a lion, gentle as a lamb.  He is a mighty King and yet... He humbled Himself to know pain for our sake.  He bore the wrath for my sake... He paid my debt for me.  I am no longer worthless before God... I am a co-heir of His kingdom... royalty now... by grace alone.  He is worthy because He IS.

He wants me.  Forever and ever.  He loves me.  Forever and ever. 

Every time I heard the "I do"... I started to cry anew.  Jesus was pretty confident that He wanted me.  How come I couldn't be as confident to stand at His side and be claimed?  Was it because I wanted someone else to say "I do"?  Some dude... here on earth?  Maybe.  But would that just be setting myself up for another one of those "realist" scenarios?  Not fully realizing that what I want, I already have?  Not allowing Him to be enough for me?

That's not to say that Jesus wouldn't want me to get married.  I think that my marriage was very God glorifying.  Not mutually exclusive things... just the things in my heart... the desires of my heart... maybe the answer is no... that I'll never have it again in this lifetime... maybe it's wait... wait until the time comes.  I don't know.

You know... it seems to be that... God takes care of me in every possible way.  He takes care of my body... my career... my schooling... my work stuff... I'm very well taken care of.  Why would I think that God wouldn't also think about this too?  If I don't have to worry about eating or drinking or the clothes that cover my body... if God hasn't just given me the bare necessities but has given me exceedingly abundantly more than I can ask or think... why wouldn't He also in this area of my life?  Wouldn't He also take care of my heart as well as my body?

That same person who told me he was a realist... also told me that my cup is so half full, it's full.

I wonder... it's not that I don't feel pain.  It's not that I don't recognize the empty areas of my life.  It's not that I don't cry.  It's not that I am immune to searing pain or deep longing or despairing depression.  I do feel it.  It is there.  All of that is... real to some extent... but also not real at the same time.  It's like... a half truth.  The empty parts of the cup... aren't always detriments... sometimes they're just there to remind me of the fullness that exists in spite of them.  The night sky which makes the stars shine brighter... the black velvet which makes my diamond even more brilliant.

Sometimes I just have to feel the darkness... to remind myself of the light.  I dunno.  I don't know if I'm making sense anymore.  I'm tired.  I did want to write more about Harry Potter.  No brain juice left.  Another day perhaps.

<3,
Tiff

Part I: work stuff

Lots of random disjointed thoughts lately.  I'm not sure what I'm going to write about... I just felt like writing.

Updates... lots.  This month blew by.  I feel like all I've been doing is working, traveling, working, doing homework, more working.  August schedule has been pretty tightly squeezed.

Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Luke 12:22-31

You know what?  I was thinking about that one phrase... life is more than food, the body is more than clothing.  That... is a pretty realistic statement that I need to remind myself of constantly.

According to mint.com... the pie chart of my spending tells me that my top 5 expenditure categories are: tuition/education, gifts/donations/tithes, shopping, travel/transportation-related and food.  If you remove the tuition stuff and the tithe stuff... which kinda just gets a mandatory deduction from my paycheck... the stuff that I actually choose to spend my extra money on are clothes, travel, and food.  This shows what's important to me.  But is it stuff I find joy in?  I delight in?  Is it what I'm living for?  Must be careful not to let those things consume me.  There's so much more to life than food and clothes even though... some stuff is just so darn tasty... and some clothes/shoes and things are just so pretty.  If I have to eat and if I have to wear clothes... they might as well be food and stuff that makes me happy, right?  LOL. 

Anyway... I think in general... this is why I work.  To eat and clothe myself.  Part 1 of this blog post... work stuff. 

I've been reading through snippets of the Old Testament lately.  It's been so refreshing.  I'm not sure why, but maybe I learn through stories or the way people respond to things... really teaches me a lot.  Every time I read through the OT I find so many parallels in my life. 

So it happened really quickly.  I hardly had any warning but I interviewed for an ICU position on August 1st.  I'd always thought I wanted to be an ICU nurse, but I got hired on my telemetry unit and I'm so very thankful that I started out there.  I somehow got pulled into a couple of committees and councils at work and through one of them, I met the ICU director at my hospital.  I don't know what possessed me to do so, but one day I just emailed her and asked if she had any openings.  She said that she did have openings and she was interviewing soon.  She gave me no date initially.  I didn't hear from her again for a little while.  I wasn't sure if those interviews had come and gone.  So I decided to update my nursing resume and just send it to her for her to keep on file for the next round.  Turned out that she hadn't done the interviews yet and she emailed me the interview date, but she didn't actually explicitly tell me to come.  The interview date turned out to be on an afternoon right smack in the middle of a 4-shift work week for me.  That means that I would have worked 2 shifts, would have to wake up early, interview, and then go straight to work right after for another 2 shifts.  Not the most ideal interview setting but it was workable.  I didn't find out until 2 days before the interview that she had scheduled me to interview at 4:30pm.  Her executive assistant called me that morning (while I was sleeping), to confirm that I had a 4pm interview.  Even less sleep for me.

Traffic on the 91 forced me to take surface streets.  I used to really hate driving.  I still kind of do... but I've been trying a little more to take my time, slow down, and use the driving time to clear my mind and think.  I had to fight the frustration of having less sleep than I originally thought... fight the frustration of traffic and red lights... and just ponder my situation.

I am so blessed to have a job.  Not only to have a job, but to actually love my job and my profession.  It was God's miracle that I got hired there in the first place... I think I only had a few days notice before my first interview at Anaheim Regional Medical Center, which I didn't even know was going to happen at the end of the luncheon... and I don't know if my mom would have even gotten me an invite to that luncheon had I not blogged about my previous failed interview at Little Company of Mary.  If I hadn't gone to public health school at CSUF, I might not have known about the nursing program that was starting right after my MPH program was done... if I hadn't been already enrolled at CSUF and if I hadn't already gotten a BS in biology from UCI, I might not have been able to get my nursing pre-req's done in time.  If I hadn't applied to nursing school that particular year, I would have passed my 5-year recency for my science classes and I would have had to re-take them all over again.  If I hadn't randomly enrolled in a particular clinical group, I might not have met my professor and I might not have gotten published with her.  If I hadn't gotten published, I might not have gotten noticed by my managers and the CNO (Chief Nursing Officer) and I might not have gotten asked to attend those committee meetings where I met the ICU director.  And if I hadn't ever met the ICU director, I probably wouldn't have just randomly emailed her to ask about job openings.  God might have chosen to work another way had I chosen another pathway, but doesn't it just seem like... a very gentle wind was blowing me in this direction?  That gentle wind blew me away from rocks and obstacles that I recognize as hardships in other people's lives.  I am very, very blessed.  And I was not driving to this interview by chance or luck.  I'm pretty sure it was meant to be... a part of some master plan for me.  Even if I don't end up getting the job... I think it's a testimony to how quickly God can move if He wants to get something done.

I had worked for two nights before my interview.  I really didn't have time to prepare anything.  But thankfully my manager had talked to me the night before the interview and I told her part of my story.  When it came to tell my story again at the interview, it was like I had already practiced it.

The interview wasn't just with the director.  It was also with another manager and a charge nurse.  It might have been scary but... I had heard about this ICU manager from my friends who had worked with her in nursing school... and the charge nurse and I were wearing the same nursing shoes.  Made for some easy small talk in the beginning.  Oh and did I mention that the interview actually was at 4:30pm and not 4pm?  Even though traffic made me late... and even though I didn't know where her office was... God provided an extra half hour for me to find the room and be able to just sit and calm down before the interview.  Everything worked out so perfectly.

The interview went well.  I think.  I didn't cry like I did in the last one... I almost did but no full fledged tears came out.  :)  I ended up having to tell them most of the Tifferson story since it's so intertwined with my educational journey and my time spent with Anderson in the ICU was one of the reasons I thought I wanted to become an ICU nurse in the first place.

After the interview I was kind of in limbo.  The ICU director and my current director were supposed to talk and let me know what the plan would be.  I wasn't getting any dates or anything concrete.  I didn't blatantly get offered the job... I had no projected transition date.  I might be transferring to another unit first before ICU.  I wasn't sure.  Not to mention that I had missed the critical care class with a simulation lab which started in July.  The next one was scheduled to be in February 2012.  There was another class, a more beginner class, starting in September but it was full and she also wanted me to attend one with a simulation lab.  This one didn't have a sim lab.  I was starting to wonder if maybe the whole thing wasn't working out.  Maybe it was just good practice but not intended to come to fruition. I was starting to feel sad about leaving my unit.  I got fearful about whether or not I might be moving to a unit full of mean nurses... I asked myself why in the world would I try and change units while I'm in my doctoral program... wouldn't it have been easier to just stay where I was?  I had thought it through up until that point and I decided that I didn't need to think about it anymore.  I just needed to have faith.  I wrote this to a few friends while I was agonizing over the decision. 

I've been encouraged by Abraham lately... as that's what I've been reading according to the reading plan.  :)  I love how God orchestrates these things perfectly for me.  Abe was called to leave his homeland only on a promise... and he did.  God promised He would also make his descendants numerous... but as far as Abe saw... he was sojourning in foreign lands and his smokin' hot wife was barren.  There was nothing visible or "on the horizon"... it seemed like what God promised was humanly impossible...

and yet.. he believed and it was accounted him as righteousness.  God hasn't called me to up and leave my home... but this might be what this opportunity is for me.  I don't know what His plans are for me, but all I need to do is believe in God's goodness, believe in His loving plan for me, and just trust... that even if I cannot see a resolution on the horizon... that whatever or wherever I end up... God can use it for His glory.  And a few weeks ago, I had no interview and no thoughts about transferring and here I am now... so things can change pretty fast if that's what God wants. 

I just needed to wait.  God had already shown me His power to hand me a job in very little time.  He had more than proven Himself faithful to me in the past.  Moses's words to the Israelites to "[not fear]. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today" (Ex. 14:13) brought me a lot of comfort.  It's not like I was in between the Red Sea and a charging army of Egyptians... I was just in limbo.  But the same God who delivered the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt... and not only delivered them... but they PLUNDERED the Egyptians before they left... He's the same God who has been orchestrating every detail of my life.  Just stand firm and I will see.  Ok.  I'll wait.

I think that maybe a day or two later, the ICU director emailed me to sign up for the critical care class in September... that she was considering setting up a simulation lab to go alongside that class.  She said that she wanted to start training me now and February was too far in the future.  Problem though... the September class was full.  I actually hadn't been sleeping very well during this time so I was awake at noon.  I know noon sounds so "late" for all you non-vampire types... but after getting off work at 6:30am... I'm home by 7am, I shower and am in bed by 7:30am... being awake at noon means I didn't get much sleep.  Being awake during normal business hours was a good thing that day. So I called the education lady for our hospital.  She told me to waitlist the class.  So I called the education company and she said they don't do waitlists.  Bummer.  She put me on hold.  And then she came back and just registered me for the class.  BAM.  Just like that.

So I'm still not sure about whether or not I'm transferring.  I'm just preparing myself in the meantime.  I got trained in the NIH stroke scale thing.  That was another one of those things the ICU director wanted me to do.  I was listening to the radio and someone said that... you don't need to go pursue the "right" person for you... you need to just work on BEING the right person first.  I know it kinda had double meaning for me since I'm also struggling with singleness... but it applied in this case too.  I'm not an ICU nurse yet... I don't have the job yet... but in the meantime... I need to prepare myself so I'll be ready if and when an opening becomes available.  It's making good use of my time and... it reminded me about that one movie... that football movie... forgot what it was called... but basically... it was like plowing the fields in preparation for rain.  By the time it rains, it's a little too late to plow.

Anyway... so that's where I stand as far as the job interview goes.  Sorry it was such a long story.  Not too many deep thoughts... just a story.  This one maybe was more for me... as a journal-type thing about the events of my life.  Read it if you want.  Actually, if you've gotten to the end, I guess you've already read it.  Thanks for reading.  :)  End of work stuff for now.

...never a dull moment...

<3,
Tiff