Wow. How did almost three weeks pass by in the twinkling of an eye? Thanks for reminding me to blog, Randy. I didn't even know you knew of the existence of this blog... but JUST IN CASE you're reading... I'm mentioning you... as requested.
K. If I think back on what's been going on with me in the past 3 weeks... a lot has happened. Went to San Jose/SF, started orientation on ICU, had finals to finish...work work work in between. Today is my first day "off" after finishing finals on Friday, while working the past 4 out of 5 days... and tomorrow I'm back for another two shifts so today really is a very special day of rest for me. I was lying in bed this morning... just pondering my life... a few things came to mind. A few lines... a few thoughts... a few words maybe.
Never a dull moment.
Flux.
Running.
Challenge.
Stasis.
Change.
I am quite amazed at the events of the past few months. I can barely comprehend all the amazing things that have happened... all the ways that my life has changed.
Never a dull moment
"Never a dull moment" pretty much describes my life for the past 3 years. To me... it's pretty exciting. Sometimes it's really hard and I wonder why sometimes I chose to put myself into situations where I'd be pushed and challenged into making pretty significant life changes... sometimes I wonder why I seem to love to torture myself... but then again... I look at where I am and where I'm going and it all plays a part into getting me where I want to go... although even where I want to go is up to negotiation.
Flux
A near and dear friend told me that she looked at my life a few months ago and noticed that almost every single area is in a state of flux. There is instability at every turn... with work, with school, with church, with relationships... the only thing that's been constant has been faith, friends, and family. The foundation of my life has not been shaken even though there are raging winds all around me... and I am so very thankful. I imagine myself sitting on the Rock of my salvation... sometimes curled up into a little ball... but always still sitting/standing/lying on that rock. I am not washed away by the storms of life... just beaten here and there... but all in all... this one foundational stabilizer in my life has meant everything to me. And I am way thankful that I've been placed here and that I have chosen to stay here. There's a quote that I read in Streams the other day... I have been pondering faith, belief, and trust and what it means ever since I read it again.
The word “faith” conveys more an act of the will, while the word “belief ” conveys an act of the mind or intellect, but trust is the language of the heart. The words “faith” and “belief ” refer more to a truth believed or to something expected to happen.
Trust implies more than this, for it sees and feels and it leans on those who have a great, living, and genuine heart of love. Therefore let us “trust also in him” (Ps. 37:5 KJV), through all the delays, in spite of all the difficulties, and in the face of all the rejection we encounter in life. And in spite of our feelings and evidence to the contrary, and even when we cannot understand our way or our situation, may we still “trust also in him; [for] he shall bring it to pass.”The way will open, our situation will be changed, and the end result will be peace. The cloud will finally be lifted, and the light of eternal noonday will shine at last. (December 15)
I don't have much to say about the distinctions this quote made with regards to faith, belief, and trust... but I do very much enjoy learning more about the languages of the heart and about love. Can love exist without trust? If the greatest act of love is to give up your life for another... in what am I trusting? I don't know. I guess that's why I've been pondering it for so many days. The only thing I can conclude is that... I cannot say that I love God if I don't trust Him with all areas of my life. He is willing and He is capable... It is up to me. Reminded me also of this thing I read on another dear friend's fb...
I am not brave, I'll never be.
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy.
I'm just a girl, nothing more.
I am willing. I am Yours.
Running
I guess I've been meeting a lot of new people lately. What with grief group, with changing units twice in the past 4 months... and just random people I meet along the road of life... one person asked me if I was running away from my grief. I guess she meant to ask me if I was running instead of coping... running instead of mourning... or just running for the sake of not having to deal with the realities of life. I think the only thing that was not in question was the fact that I am running... not so much literally although I have tried it lately. It's not too bad. Anyway....running... this is the pace of my life. Things change so quickly, so frequently... my classes are only 8 weeks long... I work full time... I need to make the most out of my free time... there really isn't much time to "crawl" through life. This is not to say that I don't stop to observe the scenery or fail to smell the flowers. I am pretty darn emotional and so much happens on a daily basis that... I just have to take things one day at a time. I recognize when I need to stop and sleep... lol... makes me think of Forrest Gump...
Forrest Gump:
When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go, you know, I went.
Elderly Southern Woman on Park Bench
:
And so, you just ran?
Forrest Gump
:
Yeah.
Yeah. That pretty much describes what I do. I'm tired. I sleep. I'm hungry. I eat. But still running. I tend to think of myself... as running towards something and less that I'm running away from things. What am I running towards? I'm not quite sure... the future? I do want to go on international medical missions trips... and part of why I wanted to be a nurse and also to be a NP was so that I would have some tools (other than a willing heart) to take with me... even though I know that God doesn't need me to have these skills in order to use me. That's one thing I guess I'm running towards. Another thing I think I'm running towards is... growth. Which I guess leads me to my next point...
Challenge
So... our hospital still has a physical chart even though we have an electronic medical record. One of the things I kind of dislike about the paper chart... is having to decode a doctor's orders. It is not unusual for maybe 3, 4, 5 of us registered nurses to stand around a chart trying to figure out what an order means or what it's actually saying. The secretaries are usually pretty good about it... but... it's part of our teamwork, I guess. To stand around and figure it out. LOL. Scary, isn't it? Patient safety, my friends... I wish that more of the docs used the electronic order system that we have... but I was watching a doc enter a medication and it took him SO long just to figure it out that I can understand why paper is just so much faster. We have a doc who carries around his iPad all day long... he puts in his orders through it. I'm not sure if he just uses Safari or if there's an app for that... but it's kinda nice. He also has gotten more people to use it. A lot of the docs have it but don't always use it. Anyway. Back to the point...
So I was helping a secretary decipher an order... and for some reason... I was able to read this one very easily. I guess she'd never taken a "fluid challenge" order... and honestly, I had never done it either (with that terminology) but it makes a lot of sense to me. We had a patient admitted for sepsis... transferred to the ICU because her blood pressure was low. Septic patients... well I guess to keep them from going into septic shock... you need to "fill the tank" with fluids cuz they really need it... and then sometimes you have to give them pressors to bring up their blood pressure if they don't respond to the fluids. But first... you give them the fluids and then see what happens.
So this order was to fluid challenge the patient... to bolus the patient with like half a liter or a liter of normal saline to see if her BP would go above 90... if it didn't, then repeat the challenge again... twice... and if that didn't work, then start levophed to bring the BP up with drugs. There were parameters and things... I kinda forgot the details but I thought it would be fun. What a cool thing to do... a fluid challenge. LOL. It's pretty standard. Nothing crazy exciting to a normal nurse... but I'm new to the ICU... and I'm pretty much a nurse geek. If I see redness... I push on it to see if it's blanchable. That's just what I do... even if the redness is on your cheeks. (It's how we test for pressure ulcers...just fyi... )
Anyway... so... I think sometimes that challenges come... in order to see how I'll respond. If I respond and do well to a minimal challenge... then I don't need to proceed further. I'm good. But if I don't respond, then you have to repeat the challenge again and again and then maybe even resort to more drastic measures to get me to respond. And when it comes to responding to the confrontation of sin in my life... it would be much better to respond quickly to the least "invasive" intervention possible. Cuz just like with the fluid challenge... the reason why the patient needed to be challenged was because their blood pressure was dangerously low. The state of things... was... not good. Sorry. That wasn't eloquent at all. Sometimes you need the challenge in order to get better... or to a better state. So why not be challenged?
Stasis
Sometimes the challenges come... and they show us what we're made of. Stasis... is stablility... but by definition... nothing changes... so... things could stagnate. I think I read somewhere... probably in Streams too... about the definition of peace... is not being able to lay on a sunny beach with an umbrella covering you... while holding a drink with a little paper umbrella in it... and staring out into miles of blue ocean. Peace is... building your nest, perched precariously on a thin, wobbly branch... extending out of a thundering water fall. Peace is also... staring at a rapidly turning wheel... while the spokes may be blurred from the rapid rate of revolution... at the axis of the wheel... remains centered, grounded... and the same. I also had another conversation with someone... where someone was describing his mother as an evergreen... never wilting or fading with age... and I thought that was really sweet... but I thought about it and I didn't really want to be an evergreen. I want to grow and change... I want my leaves to fall off and new ones to grow in their place... and I don't think evergreens have flowers... and if you know me... I definitely want to have flowers... and also maybe to produce fruit. All of that requires... change. LOL. OK... and it also kinda reminded me... of Twilight... yes I know... ARGH... but... part of why vampires can't have babies is because their bodies are "frozen" so to speak... they don't have beating hearts... they don't age... they're like "rocks" according to the series... so they can't undergo the changes necessary to gestate a baby... so they can't reproduce like humans do. I guess that's the price you pay for immortality...as a blood-sucking vampire.
Change
I think a lot of people don't really like change. Would things be more
comfortable if things changed less? I don't know. Why are people so
afraid of change? Is it... the instability? Is it... not knowing
what's going to happen next? Is it...fear that things could get worse
and not better? Is it... fear of being uncomfortable? Avoiding the
unpleasant? Is it really "changes" that people don't like or is it that
people don't like changes for the worse? Is it the risk? I don't know
either. But without change... there is no growth, right? I know all my sections are split... but they're all kind of related. Changes and growth.
Being placed into so many different units at work lately... has really shaken me up and humbled me. I've had to constantly reassess who I am as a person and who I am as a nurse. It's been a challenge which has shown me what I'm made of... and whether I will sink or swim. And even if I sink... I know that I was OK on tele so I could always go back there... but I think... that I'm swimming. It's been pretty amazing that I've been able to gather up everything I've got and make it through my presentations in front of the hospital execs and managers... my classes... and I'm pretty sure I'm, at the very least, scraping by in the ICU.
Being in the ICU... I'm not sure if it's just because it's new... or because I've always thought I wanted to be an ICU nurse and now I'm doing it... or if it's because I have an awesome preceptor... or because it's day shift and I get a chance to meet so many new people and doctors and it's fun and exciting... but I've felt really really happy being here... the past 7 shifts. It's been 2 weeks. It's almost like... I thought I was happy at work... and I was... but being in the ICU has like unleashed a glass ceiling and I've reached a new level of happiness and fulfillment at work. I don't think I would have been able to be where I'm at now if I didn't first start off on my original floor. I think the way God grows me... is he grows me incrementally... in small steps. I see how God uses all these little steps to prepare me for the next bigger, higher step. There are definitely growing pains and burning thighs that come alongside climbing these steps but... it is SO worth it. If I keep my eyes lifted... on the destination that lies somewhere in that shining brightness that's so glorious it's blinding... then I don't focus so much on the burning thighs. And I think that's kind of the way I feel... in many areas of my life.
I still walk around with a little bit of sorrow and emptiness deep within the center of my being. Sometimes the sadness hits me... while I'm driving... while I'm walking... while I'm sitting or eating... usually when I'm alone or in bed... and I can feel my face and my countenance reflecting the sorrow that's emerging... but I can let a little bit out and then remind myself of all the wonder and greatness of the other areas of my life... and a smile returns which overshadows the dark sorrow... the happiness... the joy... the peace... which eclipses my sadness with the glory of the Giver who gifted it to me.
That sorrow deep inside... I think... it will always be there. It's from the loss. The emptiness of being left and abandoned by a loved one... I don't think it will ever completely go away... and I don't think I will ever cease to "feel" it to a certain extent... but with that sorrow that I carry with me... comes... the ability to find common ground with a lot of people who are also suffering. I find that I can draw from those reserves and "feel" for people... even though I might not be going through their exact situation or circumstances... but... I can still feel compassion and empathy for their hurt and I remember a time when the darkness was consuming me. I would not be able to vaguely understand... had I not first suffered in my own life. The fruit of this sorrow... can be shared and can nurture others... and sometimes... even if the fruit is not given and eaten outright... sometimes I think the aroma of the fruit can sometimes follow me wherever I go as well... and it influences the things I do and the way I do it sometimes... especially when my patients don't speak English and I cannot communicate words of comfort... I have to try in other ways to show them that I care... and to try to bring them a little comfort in a horribly scary situation. I'm not perfect and I'm not a paragon of...anything by any means... but I try. I try to let my heart guide me at work... at school... in life... through life. The more my heart is like Jesus's... the more I can trust that where it leads me is a good place... and the right direction.
I know things were pretty theoretical in this post... I just had a lot of random thoughts about the changes I've been going through lately... but good thoughts... good changes... and I'm very excited and happy with all of it and definitely looking fwd to where I'll end up next...
I guess that's enough of an update as to how I'm doing... generally...
Still processing a lot... pondering the big picture both at work... for my patients... in life... but I'm in a very, very good place. Very thankful. Learning a lot. Excited for what 2012 will bring. :) More good things.
Happy Monday, friends!
<3,
Tiff
