The past two days I've woken up on my own between 540-6am. This is highly unusual. I normally need at least 8 hours and I did NOT get my 8 before waking up. I was puzzled as to why I was awoken... but then I figured that God really wanted to hang out with me so I tried as hard as I could to hang out with Him too. I've been searching for the reason God wanted me to Himself and I'm still not sure... but I had an inkling and that meant that I had to write it out in order to see if I could figure it out.
One of my New Year's resolutions was to start journaling again. I've been doing pretty well. Still sticking to it. One benefit of it is that I can very easily go back and re-read my journals/blogs. I didn't journal on paper for pretty much all of 2012. My last paper journal entries were dated 2011. During my morning time with God, I figured I'd go back and see what I was thinking about in 2012... 2011... 2010... I really enjoy going back and reading my old journal entries. I love everything I've written. It's almost like cleaning out my closet and pretending I'm shopping in there. I love everything I pull out of my own closet... everything fits... and it's all "free"... it's like I had my own personal stylist... except... I know it's me and I'm just rediscovering the jewels I've already discovered... but I like to pretend it's a game and then it becomes the best shopping game ever! Anyway... it feels the same when I go back and reread the things I've written... like someone collected all the thoughts that would totally be meaningful for me... and put them all in one place. I know it's retarded because I wrote them down for myself because I thought they were awesome but it's fun to rediscover my discoveries. I found this in one of my blog entries.
For the hearts that will cease focusing on themselves, there is "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding" (Phil. 4:7); "quietness and trust" (Isa. 30:15), which is the source of all strength; a "great peace" that will never "make them stumble" (Ps. 119:165); and a deep rest, which the world can never give nor take away. Deep within the center of the soul is a chamber of peace where God lives and where, if we enter it and quiet all the other sounds, we can hear His "gentle whisper" (1 Kings 19:12). Even in the fastest wheel that is turning, if you look at the center, where the axle is found, there is no movement at all. And even in the busiest life, there is a place where we may dwell alone with God in eternal stillness. - Streams in the Desert, Nov 24
Perfect Peace. I've been lacking perfect peace lately and I think God wanted to have more dates with me so He could get me there.
It was rainy today. On and off rainy. As I was driving, I'd pass under a shady, cloudy area and get rained on... and then I'd keep driving and suddenly the clouds changed shape and color... they were white and fluffy... and rays of sunshine were piercing through the bright blue open spaces. This is how I've felt for the past couple weeks. Rainy, then sunny, then rainy, then sunny. Really emotionally unstable... really volatile... major poopyness but then also major happiness punctuating my days as well. I've been having a hard time dealing with my emotions and how I was feeling.
Coping mechanisms... I have so many... depending on what kind of "version" I am that day. I think I've spent most my life as an introvert. Now I'm not quite sure. My friend calls it extro-converted. I am both. I need my alone time... I need time with my friends. I recharge when I'm alone... I also recharge when I'm with friends.
Look at this list and tell me what you think I am. I think I'm leaning towards extroversion a lot of the time but I do still have a lot of introverted tendencies. It really depends where I am, who I'm with... oh and if I'm hungry then forget it... I can't function when I'm hungry. Beef. Beef almost always makes things better. How can I figure myself out and figure out what I need when I'm such a mixed up bag of nuts?!? (if ur nice, you won't answer that question and I'm pretty sure you're all nice... so... yeah...).
Triggers... they've been really varied and really surprising. Some things you'd think would bother me... don't. And then some things that shouldn't bother me... totally do. The worst is when I'm unaware of the landmines and someone inadvertently steps on one. The other day... someone was talking to me and laughing and she touched the bare skin on my arm and I jumped. It wasn't really sudden. She did it naturally and in a friendly way. I don't have an irrational fear of being touched. I usually enjoy being touched (in a non-creeper way) and I actually tend to touch people when I talk too but for some reason... when that person touched me, I felt myself reflexively pull back and then I tried to shift a little in the same direction I jumped so it wouldn't look like I was afraid of her touch. It was some kind of weird landmine. I don't think it happens all the time either. It took me by surprise. And a lot of the stuff I've been encountering lately has also taken me by surprise. I can't say I reacted very well to some of the landmines blowing up either.
All in all... I've had to do a lot of self-soothing... self-coaching. It's during these times that I wish that Anderson were still around. He always knew what to say to make me feel better... even if he was the one who made me mad in the first place. In his absence, I've had to figure out how to help myself... and I think that God has also raised up a whole bunch of my friends to bear my emotional burden for/with me as well. Even though I don't have just one person who knows everything... I have a whole lot of really really great friends who help fill the gap that Anderson left. First and foremost, God always meets me where I'm at... but He also sends friends to remind me of His love for me... and I hold them very near and dear to my heart.
I delight in my friends. I delight in making new ones. Every new connection with a new person is such a huge blessing to me. It's as if my heart keeps expanding to keep all these friend-treasures in my heart... and the more friends I have... the more my capacity to love grows. It's pretty much a miracle. I'm a friend hoarder and somehow I keep finding places to put them... like Hermione's bottomless handbag. I realize that some friends are only meant to be in our lives for a season and that's OK. I still keep you near and dear. I will always write back if you email me and I will almost always text or message back as well. If you want to meet up, just try and set a date. It might take a while depending on how busy I am but if you're patient, I WILL make the time to hang with you. If I didn't respond, there is the possibility that I might not have gotten your message so please just send another one. I try very very hard to always respond... even if it's just a snippet in passing. I had a thought today... that I have the MOST AMAZING collection of friends. I don't know how it's possible to have so many amazing people surrounding me at all times. I am very, very blessed. You guys are all-star status. Much much love.
Objectively, I should have had an awesome day today. I got a facial, I did some laundry, dropped off dry cleaning, went to the chiropractor, got a grand total of two hours of massages... and I laughed a lot. I totally asked God to do something "out of the ordinary" today and He totally delivered. I hung out with my mom and my mom's friend... we went on visitations... and I got a super cute fobby pillow neckrest with a super cute stuffed turtle on it. It's in my car. It's so fobulous but I love it. A lady at the restaurant said that I was... something something in Chinese. I didn't know what she was saying... but I found out later... (with the help of google translator) that she said that I was delicate, elegant, refined. That is a major compliment from a perfect stranger... a middle-aged Asian woman... when I had humidity frizz in my hair, had just got a facial and I have extraction marks on my face and I had just finished ravenously devouring an entire bowl of beef noodle soup in 10 minutes because I was so GOSH DARN HUNGRY. I didn't feel very delicate or refined at the moment... which made it all the more meaningful. Kinda like someone telling me "I'm pretty" just randomly. I was having an awesome day... and then something happened which totally robbed me of my joy and robbed me of my peace. It was really small and stupid but it was a total landmine which someone inadvertently exploded and it pretty much pushed me over the edge. I couldn't hold it together anymore... I couldn't self-soothe. All I wanted to do was crawl into a safe place... my "spot" on Anderson's chest... and cry. Cry and cry and cry until I couldn't cry anymore and just tell him that someone said something stupid to me and I don't want to be upset but I am upset... my feelings are hurt and I'm being irrational and emotional and blowing things way out of proportion... and just have him hug me and tell me I'm pretty (always works... sometimes he'd just say it randomly just cuz he knew I'd always love to hear it) and that he'll go beat up that stupid person for me even though I know he never would. I'm allowed to be a girl sometimes. I'm allowed to be weak. Sometimes. Always a good day when there's crying involved.
I had a couple friends come alongside and encourage me through it. I went from frustrated to angry to sad within a span of an hour or so. I realized that right now was not a time exclusively for friends. Right now was a time to be alone with God.
To sit in silence... and listen for His whispers... a couple whispers graced my heart-ears...
- whatever is good, whatever is noble... whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is of good report... think on these things...
- go on faith... not feelings... choose truth... choose joy
Jesus Walks on the Water - Mark 645 Immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. 46 And after he had taken leave of them, he went up on the mountain to pray. 47 And whenevening came, the boat was out on the sea, and he was alone on the land. 48 And he saw that they were making headway painfully, for the wind was against them. And about the fourth watch of the night[g] he came to them, walking on the sea. He meant to pass by them, 49 but when they saw him walking on the sea they thought it was a ghost, and cried out, 50 for they all saw him and were terrified. But immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” 51 And he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. And they were utterly astounded, 52 for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.
I also was reminded of this story.
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? . . . I will yet praise him” (Ps. 43:5).Yes, praise Him even for His silence. Let me relate a beautiful old story of how one Christian dreamed she saw three other women in prayer.
When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance.
The woman having the dream said to herself,“How greatly He must love the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look.”
She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, He Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her,“O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure.
“The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do.Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service.
“She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity,and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later.
“My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes—that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external.”
He “will do wonders never before done” (Ex. 34:10) if you will learn the mystery of His silence and praise Him every time He withdraws His gifts from you. Through this you will better know and love the Giver. selected. Streams in the Desert. February 9.
I know it's not exactly the same... but I felt like maybe Jesus meant to pass by me... that maybe I should have been like that third woman... but I freaked out... the storms began to rock me... and so instead of passing by... He came back to me... calmed the storm and ministered to me in my need and in my weakness. Even when I should know better and BE better... He still sees my struggling heart and meets me where I'm at. What an amazing, loving, tenderhearted God.
I'm better now. Choosing to ponder the amazingness of my friends... the truths that I know in my heart and in my mind to be true... grounding myself in the Word... and pressing on...
Wow, I'm tired. Maybe I'll sleep super early today. Eh. Doubt it. Even if I try I probably won't end up falling asleep.
Sorry I've been a little crazy lately. And if you've been spared from crazy moody Tiff... consider it a blessing. I'm in recovery.
Thank you for always giving me second chances. Thank you in advance for third, fourth, fifth...infinity chances... you're the best!
I choose not to be a crazy bag of nuts... I choose not to follow my feelings... I choose to believe in God... God's truths... and in the goodness of it all.
Actually... I just thought of this. Last Sunday, the speaker asked us to make a list of our idols. Here's what I came up with:
- Friends
- Myself
- Pride
- Food
- Relationships
- Vanity
- Idleness
I think God's going down the line and testing me. Rough stuff but meant for good. I wrote this to a friend the other day and I think I need to remind myself of it again right now:
And praying a prayer of humility... Is as scary as praying the prayer of obedience... "Here I am, send me". It's weighty and you'd better count the cost... But if you consider that everything in this world is but a foggy image... A small gust of wind against eternity... You're asking for great riches in heaven with very little personal cost. It's scary if you focus on the pain. God wants us to consider the surpassing greatness of the eternal ramifications... Eternal treasures where moth and dust do not destroy... And which can never be taken away. You stop working out... You lose muscle... But it's not the same for the eternal treasures. It's a brave prayer. Most people would tell me "be careful what you ask for" but I know exactly what I'm asking for. I'm asking for God to sanctify me, purify me, bring me into closer and deeper fellowship with Him... And if He has to burn away some of the fat or sin to get me there... Then WHY the heck not?!?! We all have to realize our own limitations and utter failure as human beings before we begin to trust God and let go of the facade of control. It's far better if we recognize it in theory... Then God won't have to remind us of our failures in real life.
K. I think I'm done now. Thanks for listening/reading if you got this far. :)
love,
Tiff
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