First of all, I think I'm most thankful that my clinical dissertation evidence-based whatcha-ma-call-it project data collection period is almost done. Did you know that my heart could leap for joy at the sight of a completed post-survey envelope? I had no idea. But now I know. And now I might just take a survey a little more seriously because it might make someone else's heart leap for joy.
Mostly... I think I'm feeling very thankful because today I spent some time counting all the ways in which this part of my life has been more blessed than the first part.
Job 42:1Then Job answered the Lord and said:2“I know that you can do all things,and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.3 ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.4‘Hear, and I will speak;I will question you, and you make it known to me.’5I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,but now my eye sees you;6therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.”12And the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning. And he had 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 yoke of oxen, and 1,000 female donkeys. 13He had also seven sons and three daughters.
Maybe I burned out. Someone at work told me that I was burning my candle from four different ends if that was even possible.
On July 15th, I started doing a big part of my data collection process... in surveying patients and families. I had a lot of help from my interns. I think what I needed more than anything was moral support. The actual work of data collection was kinda hard but what I was fighting more than anything was my emotions, my fears, my insecurities... emotional and mental fatigue... which then turned into physical fatigue... and every day there was a new struggle... and also new grace to get me through it.
Manna for the day
I'll spare you the boring details of each day of data collection but in essence it was an emotional roller coaster for me. Every day brought with it a new struggle and a new problem to be worked out. I had a big-picture plan but in the implementation of any plan... there are unexpected problems and issues that come up and I was hoping that I would be able to take them and handle them in stride... but also afraid that any little thing would push me over the edge and turn me into a psychotic-data-collecting monster... but I think I did OK. Ask the interns. I don't think I got too scary. Or even scary at all. Maybe glimpses but never full-on scary. And seriously... some mornings I'd wake up and DRAG myself to the hospital thinking that maybe it would just be easier to quit nursing and just sit somewhere and knit flowers for the rest of my life... and God would provide me with a favorite, friendly co-worker who would smile at me, ask me how I'm doing today... give me a big hug and it would give me JUST ENOUGH strength and JUST ENOUGH goodness to carry on.
There was one night when my director and I decided that we needed to collect more data... and I ended up forgetting to eat dinner... and I got an extra surge of energy to just DO IT... and then I had my interns messaging me through the night to encourage me... favorite co-workers to chit chat with and give me high fives in between surveys... and even the sweetest patients EVER who told me wonderful things like, "OF COURSE we'll help you become a doctor nurse! Just tell us what we need to do" or "I hope you get an A in your class" or "can you be my doctor when you're done?". Is it not a wondrous act of grace that God provided me with so much loveliness and so much support from people who don't even know me and who maybe will meet me for minutes of their life... and how amazing that their words could mean so much to me? I ended up leaving the hospital at 10:30pm that night... but I also ended up feeling encouraged and hopeful... that I could possibly keep this up... for a few more days.
I probably survived those long days fueled mostly by bananas and handi-snacks cheese crackers. And maybe a fruit leather here and there. My interns brought me a naked juice smoothie too. So sweet. Literally. I think there's like 50 grams of sugar in that thing.
By day 6 or 7 of data collection... I was pretty much burnt out. I started to have thoughts which... disturbed me... but maybe... I could liken them to Job asking God WHY did all this happen to me... maybe it woulda been better if I'd never been born... no one loves me... no one cares about me... yada yada yada... I was being sort of a drama queen but I think I'd hit the end of my rope and I couldn't take much more. Any minute now... something would push me over the edge... I was just waiting for it to happen.
But it never did.
In fact... starting from Sunday... I had a series of amazing days where people began to remind me how wrong I truly was... and how stupid it was for me to question the God who can do all things... I uttered things I knew nothing about... things too wonderful for me to understand... and then I felt like Job did and despised myself and repented with dust and ashes.
I've noticed lately that God's been giving me a lot of lessons on forgiveness lately. The most powerful one was last week and it's stuck with me daily since then.
I was listening on the radio and the speaker was talking about Jesus' crucifixion... he went through the whip of 9-tails... basically it's a whip with many tails and on the ends of the tails are pieces of rock or glass or metal... that when they whipped someone... those pieces would tear away at the person's flesh... exposing muscle and likely exposing ribs and other bones as well. Jesus was not only whipped... he was put on trial multiple times that night... people mocked him, spat on him... cursed him... and yet he said nothing. Or he said very little actually... but mostly nothing. It was an excruciatingly painful journey to Golgotha... where He was subjected to even more excruciating pain as His hands and feet were nailed to the cross... and then even more excruciating pain as he slowly suffocated to death as He hung there. But while He was on the cross... suffocating... He did speak. And one of the things He said was... "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do".
I cried. Such true words. The people who crucified Jesus... they had no idea what they were doing... He has a bigger, grander purpose in what He was doing and at one WORD from Him... legions of angels could have come to His aid... but He chose to stay there... humbled, tortured... as He intentionally and purposefully chose to obey the Father's will... to take on the sins of the world... and make it possible for us to be in intimate fellowship with Him... out of His great love for us. I was ashamed. Every single sin I've ever committed in my life... contributed to His torture... big things and small things... acts that I had no idea would have such grave consequences... all of that... made His sacrifice necessary... and yet He could lovingly pray, "Father, forgive Tiff... she didn't know what she was doing"... so therefore... I need to follow in His example because nothing anyone has ever done to me could come close to matching what I did to Jesus... and also because He prayed that prayer for me... so I need to pray that prayer for others... out of love for them.
It's a good thing to be reminded of the heinousness of my own sinfulness. It's also apparently a good thing to count your sheep, camels and donkeys because they represent your wealth?!? So I'll count my blessings with you too. More for me and my record-keeping tho.
On Sunday... I went bowling with my church and our team won... by one point. To me... the fact that it was by such a narrow margin reminds me that it really wasn't anything I did in a major way that contributed to it... it was trying hard on every single frame to do my best... and then by God's grace... eeking by. But bowling with my church reminded me also... how blessed I am to be a part of this church body... to finally belong... at least for now.
On Monday, I had lunch with a good friend from nursing school. It was one of those semi-spontaneous things when we randomly texted one another and decided to have lunch. It was such a blessing to have friends like her who I can go for months without seeing... and then to come together and enjoy one another... to pick up right where we left off as if no time had ever passed. And then we went to get dole whips. :D
And then had dinner with another friend who somehow... just by being who she is... ends up blessing me in ways that I know only God could know how to do. That was Monday.
Bonus Time
The rest of the week was more hanging out... some studying... but mostly... bonus time. So I have this thing that I tell myself... whenever my original plans somehow fall through... whether it be getting cancelled from work... or having a friend reschedule on me... and I find myself having extra time for myself... I call it bonus time. Sometimes I get to spend bonus time running errands or smiling at the sun... but sometimes bonus time means that God wants me all to Himself and He orchestrated that time for the two of us to be together. And I cherish my times with God when it's like that. I do spend time with God daily already... but bonus time is extra. Bonus time is special and usually there's something lovely He wants to show me during those times. I had a lot of bonus time this week and a lot of time to count blessings.
Tears of gratitude
I had been collecting blessings and memories the entire week... but Friday morning... I had Dim Sum with my two mentors and everything came together with such clarity when I was with them. I hadn't woken up feeling the greatest. A few days prior, I'd stayed up until past 4am because I couldn't sleep... mostly tormented by thoughts... agonizing over decisions... and also probably due to the caffeine I put in my muffins... but I've been recovering from the awful sleepless night since then. I probably should be sleeping right now but I had a nap in the afternoon so now I'm not tired. Anyway... I woke up feeling kinda gross. I got dressed, put on some sandals... and then opened the door to leave the house and realized that it had been raining and I was totally dressed inappropriately. It made me think about how I couldn't prepare for today based on what I knew from yesterday. Everyday is a new day and I definitely should have looked out the window first before dressing myself.
We met at the same Dim Sum restaurant where I asked them to mentor me years ago. I can't even remember how many years it's been... but definitely more than 2 years. A series of sermons had challenged me to find women who exemplify characteristics that I want to see grown in myself... I wanted to grow in passionate love for God, passionate love for God's Word, and passionate love for God's people... and at the time, I had no mentors so I prayed to God for one. I decided to ask two women just in case one of them didn't want to... but both of them... without hesitation... agreed to mentor and disciple me. They answered my prayer back then... and they encouraged me now... in this moment when I needed it the most. I was encouraged by the fact that they reminded me how God grants me the desires of my heart and also through their words.
I sat between them... and there was a moment when I was crying and each of them had a hand on my shoulder...where I felt their hearts coming alongside mine... empathizing but also... speaking truth and power into my life. I told them what I was struggling with and immediately... they seemed to know exactly what to say... exactly what I needed to hear. I don't know if it will mean as much to you if I don't share exactly what I'm struggling with but... they reminded me that God has chosen me and purposed me for great things. Throughout my entire life... I've been placed in a position where I must create my own way for myself and this path is unlike any that my friends have had to take... that I lead a life of "firsts". I was first of my friends to be widowed. In the church that I grew up in... I was in the first children's ministry, the first Jr. Hi ministry... the first college ministry... I was there when we developed our contemporary service... and also my post-college women's small group. There was no place for someone like me... so I had to create a place for myself... and my spearheading led the way for others to come after me. Even in my cohort... I was the first to get my study approved by IRB... and I am the first to implement.
They reminded me that God has gifted me uniquely... with the skills and resources... and also with the wisdom I need to go and make my own way... and that it has been and will probably continue to be a lonely process. There's a large part of me that yearns to follow... but I somehow keep finding myself in positions to lead. It is not something that I really want for myself... but it pushes me and it grows me and I think it is training me for something even bigger for the future... whatever my future may hold.
As I was sitting there... with salty liquids oozing out of my eyes and nose... with loving hands on both my shoulders... I realized that I am so incredibly blessed. I asked God for one mentor and He gave me two. As impossible as it is to find a best friend at my age... I asked God for one and God gave me two. I asked God to grow me in new and different ways and He brought me to a church and to a life group which does push me to grow in new and different ways. I must have asked God for a career some time ago... and He brought me to nursing. I know I have asked God for a husband and while I had one and had him taken away from me... I figure I can always ask again... and the God who never fails to provide me with everything I need and with every desire of my heart... will answer. If I don't have it now... it means that it is better for me to be without it for the moment. It is necessary for the work He is doing in me and through me.
My mentors and I talked about our life situations... we shared about the things that frustrate us... and we agreed that we are still in these situations because it is necessary for us to be. We lose our patience because it has not fully matured in us and we still need more training. What are we training for? We don't exactly know... but we do know that whatever God is training us for... that we were meant for great things.
And then they asked me... what could they do to mentor me better? What could they do to help me through this stage in my life? Those questions... amazed me. What can they do? What else is there to do after what they have already done? The way they live their lives... mentor their children... minister to their family and friends... and ways in which they share with me... is enough. The verses that God brings to mind... the books they've read and the insights they've gained... they share with me. They stop and encourage me with the patterns they see as I invite them to speak into my life... and they give me hope to carry on. Even though God may be putting me in a position to pave my own way... they are like... voices calling out to me in the darkness... directing me and guiding me... and even though we can't meet more than a few times a year... it is enough... more than enough. Who could ask for more? Who could have known that I needed them right NOW to say what they said and to do what they did... and did I even know those many years ago that what we started that day would continue to become something that blesses us years later? God knew and God provided for me back then... for the moments He knew I'd need right now. He does the impossible! But He can. He knows everything and in His deep and intimate love... He works everything out for our good.
Job said that he knew that God can do all things and none of His purposes could be thwarted. Friday's devotional reminded me that "nothing—no matter how improbable, no matter how impossible it is to see, no matter how much it goes against everything we know—nothing is too hard for the Lord. (Genesis 18:14)". And also... "with God, just like that, everything can change."
Just like that. Isn't that exciting? One day, I'm not even thinking about data collection, and then all of the sudden I have interns and there it is. It's almost done now... and a month and a half ago, it was barely a thought in the back of my mind. Who knows what amazing things God has in store for me... probably things too wonderful for me to fathom.
There's still plenty of work to be done... but day by day... living on manna because I have no reserves... and virtually nothing else to live on as I'm journeying through my wilderness... God will get me through... and even when the time comes for the manna to stop falling from heaven... and I'm about to cross the Jordan and enter the promised land... I will still have to battle for the land which has been promised to me. But I think that everything will be OK. He has promised me victory. That's pretty much all I need to know to go into battle. Maybe I should learn how to use some more weapons before I battle...
OMG it's so late.
Good night, friends.
Love,
Tiff
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