I just went back and skimmed my blog posts for 2014. I didn't think I journaled much at all in 2014 but about 75% of my current journal was written this year. In looking back at my posts and my journal entries from earlier this year... it seemed like I thought more deeply, felt more intensely, and got excited a whole lot more often than now. So then what happened? Did SOMETHING happen? How did I end up becoming a broken version of myself at the end of the year?
I asked myself a lot of questions this year. A few questions stood out:
Who am I? What makes up "me"? (my answer on March 2, 2014 was "pretty pink flowers")
Do I need a constant connection with people to keep from feeling lonely? (I didn't answer that question) Am I being a friend or relying on them to be mine?
What do I need to let go of in order to improve my relationship with God? (I had a long list of stuff)
Am I loved? Competent? Worthy? Am I beautiful? (I know the answer is "yes" but it always feels like "no")
Where is God in the midst of my chaos and pain?
Something I've been pondering lately since I heard it on the radio was... about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They were bound up and sentenced to death for their faith. They were thrown into a fiery furnace so hot that the people who threw them in died from the heat. The fire... probably burned off what the world bound them with... and then... something I'd never thought about... there they were... unbound... walking around in a fiery furnace with Jesus... and they didn't leave right when they attained "freedom" from the bonds... they remained in the fire with Jesus because being in the fire with Jesus was far better than being... without the fire... and with the king. They stayed in the fire with Jesus until the king called them out. And then they left the fire and left the tangible presence of Jesus... to enter into the world again and give praise to God with the king who threw them in there in the first place. AND they got a promotion.
At some point though... I wonder if they cried. Maybe they were manly men and they only cried on the inside. The Bible makes no mention of such a thing. I just wonder if they did. I wonder if any thought crossed their mind... that it would have been better if they didn't say anything. Maybe they would have stayed alive if they just kept their mouths shut. But they didn't... and they escaped certain death and came out on the other side even better than they entered in. I want to be like them. I want to stand my ground so firmly that even if it means that I'll be shot or killed or drowned or whatever... that I STILL won't deny the God I know and love... or be bullied into doing something I know is wrong. Would I have that kind of conviction... even to the point of death?
This past Sunday, the sermon was on God's restoration... that He promises to restore to me what was lost... that he could turn my ugliness into beauty through His grace... that while I can't ever get back any broken years... He can restore me. Today is the start of a brand new future.
I think this year... 2015... is the year I get to be called "Hope" for a day. Just to complete my collection. When I decided to be "Faith" last year for my birthday... I hoped that faith would characterize this year... and I think it has.
As I was thinking back on how much life has changed this year... my friends have changed... my inner circle has changed... my workplace has changed... my career has changed... my living situation has changed... I'VE changed. And throughout all the transitions, I've been learning to bear with them with faith... a different kind of faith than previous years. Or maybe it just feels different to me. Maybe it was always the same. Maybe it's just a different version of the same thing.
I've done a lot of letting go and taking up this year. God has done a lot of exchanging. I thought I was perfectly happy with what I had on my plate or what I held in my hands... until something happened and what I had was taken away from me and then there was a brief moment of grief and emptiness... which was then followed by showers of blessings. What I thought were good things, turned out to be lesser good things than what God had in store for me. I was always meant to have those things for that particular season of my life, but in this season... I feel like God is paving the way for me to receive something better. And it is my goal and my challenge to wait well. To wait with great faith.
I have a friend. A very, very good one. We've been through a lot together... we've cried deep and lonely tears together when our relationships didn't work out... we've wailed together at various points in our lives because we felt like we were destined to be alone the rest of our lives and it terrified us to death... but then she started dating... and then she was waiting for engagement.
I was listening to my dear friend... cry out in frustration because the engagement was taking a lot longer than she wanted. And then I was almost crying out in frustration when the guy was talking to me and it was taking longer than I wanted for him to get a move on... but he was ready. He had the ring. He was just waiting for the right time. It was painful for me to be stuck in the middle of this. It was even more painful for me to know what I knew... and to not tell my friend what was coming in the very near future. I knew that my knowledge would put her out of her misery but it would also rob her of some joy if I let her know prematurely. It had to be at the right time.
At the same time, we're going through the life of Moses in BSF. And I experienced the same pain in reading about the Israelites complaining and whining to Moses about this or that... when I knew what they had just come out of and what they were about to be saved from... and also that God was going to provide for them. I wished that they would have stopped complaining. I wished that they would have simply cried out to God and waited well. I wished they had more faith.
So then I turned it on myself. I need to not react like they did. I need to keep myself from complaining, to stop myself from wanting things to happen on my timing and ONLY my timing... and just wait... in faith... with peace... with joy... with graciousness... for the good things that God has in store for me this coming year.
Even if I was hungry or thirsty or yearning for something I don't have just yet... I can still have faith in the fact that God has always provided for my every need and since He is immutable... He will not stop now. I will project my faith into next year and rest in the peace that faithfulness brings... and embrace a year of... what... stability? a year of growth? a year of learning new and different things? a year of adventure? Who knows. But it will be a year characterized by hope.
I was walking by a couple people this morning at work and one of them asked me if I knew so-and-so from Anaheim because he was at a meeting yesterday and my name came up. I said, "of course! She was my boss". So then they started asking me what I did in Anaheim... and I said I worked in their cardiac ICU and then I graduated school and got hired here... and then a few months later, a NP position opened up at my old hospital, but I said, "oh well... if I had stayed there then I wouldn't have met you all" and then he said, "and we wouldn't have met you". I remember my director calling me and offering me that position and at that moment... one month into my new job... I was overwhelmed... I was struggling... I felt like I was drowning in the midst of all the transition and I longed for what I had just let go of. I really thought I was going to take it. I thought that going back to my old workplace... where everyone speaks English... doing the exact same job I'm doing right now... would have been the perfect solution to all my "problems"... but as God would plan it... I couldn't move back into that position since I need to be working 6 months in any position before switching jobs within the same company... and a week later... after having thought about it more... I decided that even though I had no choice... I wanted to stay where I was at. When I described my work environment to my old boss, she also agreed that staying where I was would be best for me. She said that if I were her daughter, she would want me to stay where I am because... I am in a good environment for my personal growth and development. This might not be my forever job, but it is a place where I can learn slowly and gently... where I don't get yelled at (much)... where I have a lot of support and resources... and the patient population is familiar... and usually pretty awesome. I made a couple of follow-up phone calls today and two of the patients told me that they had THE BEST experience at the hospital. They said they had nothing but good things to say about how they were treated and they weren't shy about letting people know about it. I was so thankful to hear those words. I helped coordinate their surgery and even though my hospital isn't the biggest or most impressive and has a computer charting system that I absolutely loathe ... and... it was because of their not-so-desirable HMO insurance that they came to be my patients... I was super happy that I played a part (even if it was a small one) in helping them have a good cardiac surgery experience. I am exactly where I'm meant to be. I would have robbed myself of having experienced today if I was still working in Anaheim. Maybe I would have had equally amazing experiences working there... but I am thankful for today and the people I've met because of the choices that I made and also the choices that were made for me. I've been in my new workplace for 4 months and I've already been gifted with some amazing relationships that I'm excited to cultivate and see what they grow into in 2015.
So much good stuff.
Being brokN doesn't seem so bad... when I stop to remember and ask myself... where is God in the midst of my chaos and pain?
He's been here all along. When I wait with Him... I will see Him reveal Himself and His handiwork everywhere in my life.
Happy old year and happy new year, everyone.
Love,
Tiff
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