So what's next for me? Pass my exam. It's hard enough for me to buckle down and study. I still have a job. I'll keep working as a RN until I find a NP job. Depending where I find work, I may move. Depending on how far I move, I might have to make a whole lot of other changes as well. This is only the beginning of some of the hardest adjustments I'll need to make in the past few years. If I had meltdowns when I started clinicals... I can only anticipate the kind of meltdowns I'll have when I start training for real. I originally entitled this post... "the worst is yet to come".
This blog post has been baking in my mind for a while and I was going to entitle this entry, "the road (bike) called life". I'll still write about it. Maybe I'll change the title by the time I get to the end of this. I think I should warn you now that this is not going to be a pleasant post. It's probably going to be long and rambly and depressingly sad. I'm doing this more for my mental and emotional health than anything else.
I recently went on a 35 mile bike ride. I don't know if it sounds like a lot of miles to you but it was a lot of miles for me. This was the second time I've done a ride of this length. It did not get any easier this time. I did start the ride with other people but most of the ride, I spent by myself... thinking... trying not to die... trying not to fall over... and I started to see this bike trip as a metaphor for my life.
The last time I rode with someone... he looked at the equipment I was using and told me, "you don't know how good you have it"... and it did make me think... about how blessed I am to be able to benefit from friends who buy too much stuff... and from people who give me things... like sports equipment. It also made me think about my education and the tools I have in order to do my job... and not everyone is blessed to have been practically handed multiple advanced degrees... or to have the time and perseverance to complete them. I am definitely very, very blessed to be in the field I'm in and to have had it handed to me so easily.
This being said... while I was fairly confident that I could handle RN work... I am really not confident that I will be able to handle NP work. Studying for my exams has shown me just how much I don't know and just how much background information I need in order to make a good, safe decision... and I feel more and more incompetent as the days go by. I wonder to myself if stepping into this career change was the right decision for me. My Myers-Briggs personality profile for the ENFJ actually says that high stress, highly demanding careers are not a good match for personalities like mine. It's not saying it cannot be done. It's just... a difficult pairing. There is a part of me that is high achieving. There's also another part of me that knows that I can get through school easily because I know how to do it... but it doesn't mean that I'm great at it. Once, in high school... we were doing a badminton tournament or maybe it was just a regular season game... and they needed to fill a singles #2 spot. I was a doubles player. I'd only ever played doubles. The coach made me play the current singles #2 player in practice to see if I could beat her and thus have a better chance of winning games when it counted. I knew that she was a better all around player than me and I knew she was a better singles player. What I also knew was her weakness and I exploited her weakness in order to win that game. I felt really bad doing it. I really think that she should have played in the singles spot but because I could beat her, I did... so I played and I lost those two games. And there went my brief stint in singles. I feel like this is going to repeat itself... that I can get through school because I'm good at school but when it comes to real life... I'm going to fail. I will be found out for the fraud that I am. Good on paper. Incompetent in real life. Unless I can pass boards. That might be my one small encouragement that will let me know that I'm OK... that according to a national certifying organization... I am at least on par with others in my field. And I'm really kind of scared that I'll fail. If I fail, I'll just take it again. After crying and probably having a meltdown.
So there are certain things that you can do or add to your bike to help your ride. Having more gears helps. Having cleats (or as I like to call them... the clicky shoes) helps. Having jelly shorts helps too. I don't know the real name for them. It's the shorts with the jelly pad on the butt. You can get fitted to the bike. That totally helps. But in the end... it's MY legs, MY arms, My heart, MY lungs that will be doing the work. No amount of equipment in the world will help if I am not physically able to complete the task. And while I did survive the bike ride... I'm less sure I'll survive this transition.
And I rode most of this ride alone. I told myself that I was just going to go at my own pace and not care... but a part of me didn't like being so alone. If something happened to me... no one would have known for a while. If I needed help... there would be no one. And I didn't carry my phone with me... which added an additional level of anxiety onto the ride... because of the big "what ifs"... and my lack of access to communication... and also... to my food. What if I start to pass our from exhaustion? I had no food. I had no phone. While my friends did give me the assurance that it would be OK... I really didn't feel like it would. I didn't have their confidence. And I knew they would leave me behind.
They did wait for me here and there. We'd meet up every once in a while... and then they would pull away again... and I would feel the abandonment all over again. And I also realized that this is what happens in real life. Friends and people come and go... we intersect for a while and then we part. It is extremely rare to be with people who are going at exactly the same pace as me or who care to slow down to keep me company or make sure I'm OK. I think my solution for this is to have a whole lot of friends... that way all the big gaps in between intersections doesn't feel so big when I have quantity on my side.
I didn't mean for this post to be so depressing. I almost feel bad for anyone attempting to read this.
For most of my bike ride... I was tempted to keep my eyes on the ground directly in front of me. It looks like I'm moving really fast when my eyes are fixed on the front wheel... but when I lift my eyes and look ahead... the great big distance that I still have to go... seems daunting and it feels like I'm going so slowly. I want to be done. I want to be "home" already. My legs are burning. My butt is hurting. My back is hurting. My neck is tired. I don't know how I'm still able to move on... but somehow... I am. I'm not sure if it helps to keep my eyes close to the path directly in front of me or to keep my eyes looking further down the road. Maybe a combination of the two is safest.
I read this today from a blog entry on someone else's facebook...
This painful wilderness lasted for approximately forever. - from here
And that's exactly how it felt. It's how it feels. Being alone.
I'm a bit of a mess right now. And as God would time it... I'm supposed to speak at a women's retreat next weekend. I hate being last minute but... it looks like it's come down to that. I also realized that I really don't know how to prepare for public speaking things. Speak from what I know... yes. Rehearse... yes... if I have time to. Pray and set things up for the Holy Spirit to speak and move within me and through me... and get rid of as many distractions as possible... and also realize that the evil one is hard at work to crush my spirit and hinder the work I know God wants to do through me.
I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. (Psalm 77:11, 12 ESV)
During my rough times... God has certain ways in which He works which help get me through. (1) He usually has me meet someone new... and while I initially dread having to tell my story again... it usually ends up amazing myself all over again as I recall all the amazing things He's done in my life to get me where I am today. I'll be meeting a whole bunch of new people at the retreat. (2) I get hyper emotional. When I get hyper emotional, I'll do a few things... I'll retreat back into safe places... I'll only reach out to people with whom I feel safe to reach out to... and I'll do more reading. I'll fall back on schedules and routines. I'll make sure I've done my Bible reading for the day. Sometimes I'll go back and read letters or cards that people have sent me in the past. Sometimes I'll just watch pointless TV. Sometimes I'll watch a favorite movie... repeatedly. Sometimes I'll watch my wedding video. Sometimes I'll watch my Upper Room video. Sometimes I'll read my own blog. Reading my own blog is a little bit crazy for me. It's kinda like rediscovering clothes that I'd bought a long time ago and marveling that they still fit and at how much I like my own taste. (3) God sends random people to encourage me.
There are moments where it feels like I'm just about to drown... and sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in my own tears.
I'm thinking back and I really haven't FELT extremely "good" in a long time. There have been good moments but they were fleeting. The past few months... or maybe even close to a year... have been mostly extremely emotionally difficult for me. I can't even explain a lot of it. Yes, there have been reasons why I'm struggling... and sometimes it has nothing to do with me... sometimes I'm crying in my own bed about other people's lives and wondering why it seems like I'm crying about someone else's life when they might not be crying about their own life. And then I'm also crying about my own life... about my loneliness... about my insecurities... sigh. I've been poopy. I've been poopy for a long time.
There are a few things that have been getting me through this strange, poopy period of my life. I remember reading a story about three women...
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? . . . I will yet praise him” (Ps. 43:5).Yes, praise Him even for His silence. Let me relate a beautiful old story of how one Christian dreamed she saw three other women in prayer.
When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance.
The woman having the dream said to herself,“How greatly He must love the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look.”
She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, He Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her,“O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure.
“The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do.Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service.
“She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity,and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later.
“My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes—that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external.”
He “will do wonders never before done” (Ex. 34:10) if you will learn the mystery of His silence and praise Him every time He withdraws His gifts from you. Through this you will better know and love the Giver. selected. Streams in the Desert. February 9.
I also read stuff in letter 8 of Screwtape Letters that encouraged me similarly.
Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. ... He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself-creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. ... Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. ... He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. ... He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.
Today's Bible reading... was on how Reuben and Gad wanted to settle on the wrong side of the Jordan river.
And they said, “If we have found favor in your sight, let this land be given to your servants for a possession. Do not take us across the Jordan.” (Numbers 32:5 ESV)
I'm reminded of a lesson I learned from this chapter a few years ago. At that time, I told myself, "don't settle on the wrong side of the Jordan". What this means to me is that if God promised me land on the other side of the Jordan...don't settle for the "easy" land right where I am...just prior to crossing... just because it looks good to my eyes and there's no fight to obtain it. It's not a bad thing to see something good and to take it but if I am just shy of my promised land...why would I compromise my faith in the promises of the God who rescued me from Egypt, claimed me as His, brought me through the wilderness and led me right up to the Jordan river...while I'm preparing to cross it? There's a reason that the land God promised is on the other side of the Jordan. There's a reason that this land had to be fought for and that the current inhabitants had to be driven out... And it's a faith thing. The inheritance then was as big as their faith.
It's tempting... To stand at the bank of the Jordan... to look around and see how "good" I have it on this side... and just decide to plop myself down right here. I know this isn't quite the same... God never promised that I'd do well in whatever I set out to do... this isn't my promised land. It feels like it sometimes but... it might not be. I'm not guaranteed to do well as a NP just because I've finished the schooling for it... it's the battle to claiming competency and conquering ignorance through practice and studying and more learning... that I'm dreading. I'm dreading the failure. I'm dreading the mistakes. I'm dreading the sinking feeling I'll undoubtedly get when I FEEL the disappointment of being too slow, not knowing enough... not remembering enough... but I do owe it to myself to try. I'll never know unless I do it. I might look around right now and mourn this reality... mourn this life I've built for myself... but I can always come back here. If I fail as a NP, I can always still work as a RN. If I succeed as a NP, I can always still work as a RN. I won't know if I'll pass my exam until I take it and see. I won't truly know how much of my worth I place in my accomplishments unless I fail either.
I'm tired. I'm so tired but I'm still trying. I'm not a quitter. Unless... it's time to quit and then I'll do it.
I don't know how to end this. How bouts I just... stop typing.
love,
Tiff
