Day 158 - My Happy

When I came back from Houston... someone asked me an interesting question. It stuck in my mind because it's not something that people usually ask. He asked me:

"do you think you can ever be happy again?"

It's such an honest question. I wonder if he feared the answer. Maybe I'll ask him one of these days. He might not even remember he asked the question, but I remember being asked. Very vividly.

How would you answer that question? If the love of your life was taken away? If everything you hoped and dreamed for were to crumble before your very eyes? Even now, I'm amazed at my own answer to the question. Without pause or hesitation, I said "yes, because my happiness isn't based on my husband, it's based on God". Yeah. I amaze myself that I answered like that maybe only a month or two after Anderson had passed. If someone asked that question again, I would hope that I would knee-jerk respond the same way.

Even now... 5 months after being widowed... I'm amazed. Only 158 days since I last held his hand... since my lips last touched his. His body was lifeless 158 days ago, but it still somehow brought me comfort to touch him. He'd scheduled e-cards to be sent to me... I got them every few weeks... yesterday I had the thought that maybe I'd received the last one EVER a few weeks ago... and my eyes started to well up with tears. I didn't sob. I just let maybe two big boys fall slowly out of my eyes... and then it was done. I also cried a tear this morning for him... as I laid in bed... thinking. I forgot about it until I felt the gritty crustiness of a dried tear extending out from my right eye, about an inch into my temple. Note to self: always wash your face after having cried in bed.

He used to call me his happy. I don't know if any man has ever laughed at me more than my late husband but if that meant that he was happy... if me being me... unrestrainedly ME... made him happy, then I'm glad cuz I really wasn't trying to make him happy... just to love him and enjoy him.

He was my happy too. I delighted in him. Just having him nearby gave me peace and contentment. He was the only person I knew who could make me feel better no matter how ugly, frustrated, or horribly crappy I was feeling. He never let me forget that I was beautiful. He always said that I was the most beautiful woman in the world. I'd tell him that he was crazy...and blind. But he'd always say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that I was hands down the most beautiful woman EVER. To which I'd almost always say "I lava july" :P (say it out loud if you don't get it). He was my emotional regulator... the ocean breeze that blew away the hot, smoggy stressors of life that threatened to suffocate me at every turn. Even as he was struggling for his last breaths after they removed the breathing tube, I watched the video he recorded for me and it brought me comfort. And then my happy was gone. Logically, I shouldn't be happy. But I am.

Whenever I meet new people, they remind me... that I shouldn't be happy. Not that they tell me that I shouldn't be happy, but whenever they see my rings and ask me when I got engaged or married, I just look them in the eye and tell them that I'm recently widowed. The usual response is immediate shock, a very abrupt fall in countenance and a quick and awkward blurb like "oh, I'm so sorry" "that must be difficult for you" "I can't imagine how you must be feeling"... my favorite one is "I don't know what to say". I think it's definitely the most honest comment I've encountered. There really isn't any "right" thing anyone can say in response to catastrophic loss. These kinds of things leave ME speechless. I usually respond by saying that I'm OK, really. And I really am. Honestly, I don't remember that I should be sad until people remind me that I should be. It's a good reminder. It reminds me how far I've come... how gracious God's been to me... how marvelous is His healing power to restore and pick up the broken pieces of my life and turn it into something beautiful. I wonder what Anderson would say if I asked him now... "how do I look?" I'm hoping/guessing he'd say "more beautiful than ever, my beauTIFFul wife".

Hm. I didn't mean for this post to be a super long one, but it looks like it's going to be.

So, I've been holding off posting about this... mostly because it's not resolved yet, but I woke up this morning and I felt like writing about it... so I am. Sometimes... I think it's nice to let people in on the journey as you're going through it even though it's also nice to tell a story that has an ending.

OK so... I've been applying to nursing jobs for the past few months... ever since I've been back home. I've applied to 10 different hospitals. I guess I could still apply more... felt like a whole lot. Anyway, so I hadn't heard back from many of them... half of them let me know that the positions had already been filled. I contacted a few of the recruiters and asked them what I could do to improve my chances for next time... a few of them said that there really isn't much I could do... they simply don't have enough spots for the sheer volume of applications they're receiving. One recruiter said they had over 200 applicants for 4 positions. That's less than a 2% chance. Even at my very best, I don't think I'm top 2%. Oh well. The economy has impacted the amount of new graduate nursing positions for each hospital. It costs about $20K to train a new nurse in the hospital. So yeah... that's what it's been like... applying for new grad positions.

So I have a google document to track my applications, websites, my notes on the recruiters and what they said (have you noticed that I have a google doc for almost everything?). On the last day of my public health nursing clinical, two of my classmates encouraged me to apply to their hospital. So I checked it out... I called HR... updated my applications document and then scrolled up. The last place I applied to was Little Company of Mary in Torrance. So I randomly decided to check if little company had any new listings. They did. So I applied again. According to my notes, that was 12/9/09. A few hours after I applied, I got a phone call from the recruiter at Little Company. Surprising; since I'd only ever gotten emails back letting me know that positions had been filled. I got an actual phone call. And this one wasn't to let me know that the position had been filled... this one was to ask me to submit a portfolio. The recruiter also told me that he never calls new grads...he just doesn't have the time to... but that he saw something on my application that he liked. Wow. Totally God.

So I collected the paperwork for my portfolio 2 days after the call... the only hold-up would be for my letters of recommendation. This was the beginning of finals week so I wasn't expecting too much from my professors... just hoping that they'd be able to write one for me... before Christmas. I hated to send reminder emails, but I just had to do it. A few days into finals week, a friend of mine who works at Little Company let me know that she knew the recruiter and that he was expecting a call from me. Oops. So I called. He and I had a nice little chat and he again, highly encouraged me to get my letters of rec and turn in my portfolio asap. By God's grace, I was able to get all my letters of rec by Saturday, the 19th of December. For one of them, I went to visit my professor and sat in her office as she wrote me the letter. Not a problem... it was fun to catch up... and praise God again that I didn't get a ticket for parking over an hour in the 30 minute zone.

Dec 21st, I was supposed to hang out with my friend in Pasadena... but at around 12:30am-ish on the 21st, I asked if it was OK if we met up in Torrance instead. Thankfully, she was very flexible and gracious (cuz I woke her up with my phone call) so I called the recruiter in the morning and asked if it was OK to stop by to drop off the portfolio... he said that he had time after 2pm (perfect!)... so my friend and I had breakfast in Torrance, walked around Del Amo... and then she came with me to drop off my portfolio at Little Company. We took a tour of the hospital and I somehow managed to run into 2 out of the 3 ppl I knew that were working there... the third person works nights so I wouldn't have run into her anyway... but really... what are the chances?

So we were done by... 3:30pm-ish... I hung out with my friend a little bit more and headed home around 4-ish. Went to hang out with another friend after that... while I was at her house... at maybe 6pm, I got another call from the recruiter asking if I could come in for an interview the next day at around 11am. He wasn't certain yet so I had to call him back at 9pm that night to confirm. More wowzers. I called at 9 and he said he still hadn't gotten complete confirmation from the manager, but to call again at 7:55am the next day to confirm. So I called at 7:55am the next day and confirmed an interview at 10:40am, just a few hours later. Do you know how fast God can work? It was amazing.

In between 7:55am and 9:45am... I was getting ready for the interview. Clothes, shoes... but more importantly... getting my heart, soul, and mind ready. I was thoroughly unprepared, but I knew that if I rested my hope in God... if I was filled with His Holy Spirit... He'd give me the words to say... the wisdom I needed... the calmness, confidence, and peace to get through the interview OK. Sent an email to my small group and a few selected people to pray for me and to share a quick praise report about all the things that had happened the past few days.

So I started driving... had to get gas... I (mistakenly) decided to take the 60/605 instead of the 57/91 route to Torrance... so I was stuck in a lot of traffic on the 60 and 605. But it was a good time in the car... to slow down... listen to some good music... to pray. I abhor traffic. Especially when I have to be somewhere....but that day, it was OK. I was not frustrated... yet.

I got there 5 minutes late, I valeted my car... swung my jacket on and ran into HR. Thankfully again, the recruiter wasn't really waiting for me... he didn't even know what time it was when I got there. Answered a few questions. He asked me how I was doing. I said I was a little nervous. He stopped to encourage me and reassure me... to just do my best so when all of this is over, I can look myself in the mirror and say that regardless of whether or not I get the job, I'll know, myself, that I did my very best, no regrets. He also encouraged me to just be myself and said that I was a good person... and that you can't teach someone to be a good person... they're born that way. Can anyone dispute that God's hand was in this process? Seriously... the first real job interview I ever went on, the person who interviewed me made me cry she was so mean to me.

So the recruiter walked me up to the manager's office. All the while, he was encouraging me, making jokes... it was nice. So when I interviewed, I was able to answer the questions I was expecting... my strengths, my weaknesses... why I'm a nurse... why I'd want to work at a faith-based hospital... and then came the nursing questions. Totally wasn't expecting them, but maybe I would have been had I had more time to prepare. Medications, scenarios... took me by surprise. Thankfully once again, I'd done my internship on a telemetry floor so I was able to answer almost all of them, but seriously... only by God's grace did I get through 30 minutes of non-stop questioning...with little to no feedback on how I was doing. After the interview, the manager took me on a tour of the floor and sent me back down to HR. We chatted a little bit more... the recruiter again spent more time encouraging me... explained the benefits, etc. of working at the hospital. He told me I should hear back from him by next week (which is this week) as to whether or not they have a position for me.

So that was last week. I hadn't thought too much about it since Christmas came and went... but this morning I had a dream that someone came to tell me that I didn't get the job... but gave me a box of cheez-its for consolation. Cheez-its wrapped in an Envirosac, which she threw away, but I rescued it from the trash. I woke up a little bit disappointed. I'm not saying that my dreams are prophetic... it might just be my subconscious expressing my fears... but I woke up disappointed.

So that's when the question popped into my head again... "do you think you can ever be happy again?" Thoughts of Anderson washed over me. That's when I cried that crusty tear and then decided to blog.

And then I thought again... that I'm happy. My happiness isn't based on what's happening all around me. My happiness is from within... nestled deep within the center of my heart... the core of my being... and the happiness is there because God is there.

Content Whatever the Circumstances

I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles. ^{Phil 4:10-14} (The Message)

I read this a while ago... the image has stayed in my mind since then.

For the hearts that will cease focusing on themselves, there is "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding" (Phil. 4:7); "quietness and trust" (Isa. 30:15), which is the source of all strength; a "great peace" that will never "make them stumble" (Ps. 119:165); and a deep rest, which the world can never give nor take away. Deep within the center of the soul is a chamber of peace where God lives and where, if we enter it and quiet all the other sounds, we can hear His "gentle whisper" (1 Kings 19:12).

Even in the fastest wheel that is turning, if you look at the center, where the axle is found, there is no movement at all. And even in the busiest life, there is a place where we may dwell alone with God in eternal stillness. - Streams in the Desert, Nov 24

Grounded and secured in the axle of God, I will have stability, peace, contentment... happiness, no matter how fast the wheel is spinning... no matter how bumpy the road traveled. And I've found it true in my life. The bumpier the road, the more I need to be strongly secured and attached to the axle.

Did you know I actually started blogging or emailing because I hated to repeat myself? There's also a reason why I sent an engagement email as opposed to calling people one by one. I absolutely hated to repeat myself. Even with news as good as my engagement... which, again, was kind of bittersweet because we'd just found out that his tumor had come back the 2nd time and that he was scheduled for surgery a month later. But nowadays... I really don't mind repeating myself... when it comes to telling the story about how God's carried me through this past year... of all the things I've learned... all the growth I've undergone... how God masterfully orchestrated each and every detail of my life to prepare me for the storms of this year and how He's drawn me so much closer to Him as a result... how abundant life is in Christ... how lavish His love for me and for His people... and each and every time I tell my story, I'm hit again by how much God has blessed me, how vast His love and grace is to me... how He has taken care of my every need... every single time.

His faithfulness and His love for me is... so amazing. Read this today... when I read the whole verse in its context... it made me kind of chuckle but it's actually more true than when I'd only read the first line in my morning devotional.

Your love for me was wonderful,
more wonderful than that of women. (1 Samuel 1:26b)

This is David, lamenting over the death of his best friend, Jonathan. My heart says that to God. Your love for me IS wonderful... more wonderful than that of [men] or Anderson... or than any man on this earth could ever love me. Anderson was my happy, but God is my ultimate Happy.

The devotional used it as something that she'd love to have God say to her at the end of her life... to have God tell her that through the hardships of life, though

"you were never popular on this earth, nobody knew much about you, though your life lived to My glory in the uninspiriting sphere of duty seemed to be wasted and its sacrifice to be worthless by those who knew it; but your love to Me was wonderful! Men said you made mistakes and were narrow-minded and did not catch the spirit of the age. Men thought you were a fanatic fool and called you so; men crucified you as they crucified Me, but your love to Me was wonderful!"- Springs in the Valley, Dec 28

My Happy. My God.

I'll keep you all posted on whether or not I got the job. Until next time...

Day 154

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Question: Look deep into your heart and ask yourself... what do you want more than anything else?

Please respond (honestly) to this question as a Christmas gift to me. :)

Day 147 - always together... and rocks.

I have a video of Anderson recorded on my phone. It was recorded right before his first spine surgery on Memorial Day 2009... maybe a week after we had found out that there were multiple tumors growing all along his spine.

In the video he wanted to tell me and remind me that "I love you... I love you a lot. Everything's going to be ok... because we're always together".

I used to watch it over and over again, every night when I felt lonely. Sometimes I just wanted to see his face again, see his eyes, his mouth moving... sometimes I just wanted to hear his voice. It'd make me cry, but I'd usually feel better even though we weren't together anymore.

Sometimes God uses people to speak to us... to speak His truth to us. Today it really hit me how powerfully God has used Anderson to speak God's truth to me by his love for me. Through loving me the way he did... with a love that only comes from God... Anderson really gave me a glimpse of the love that God has for me. God spoke the words through Anderson's mouth... everything's going to be ok, dearest... because I am always with you, and we're always together. Everywhere I go and everything I do, God is here with me. Loving me, encouraging me... protecting me, guiding me.

It is better to be in a storm with Jesus than to be anywhere else without Him. I would rather be in a fiery furnace with Jesus than in a palace without Him. I would rather be in a lion's den with Jesus, or in a prison, or even shipwrecked, than to be elsewhere without Him. As long as I know Jesus is there, then I can get through it. -Greg Laurie

I've been thinking a lot lately... about rocks. Silly thing to think about, I know. I've said it before that someone once told me that I was like a rock... in that it seemed that I was solid and emotionally unaffected by whatever was going on around me. I think it might have seemed that way to her because I varied little... however the constancy that she saw in me was not because I was unwaveringly grounded and solid... like a rock... it was because I felt no emotion. I'd put up so many walls so high, so completely surrounding my heart that nothing could reach it... and because nothing reached it... my heart was little and weak. Thinking about it... I think I'd surrounded my heart with walls of cold, hard, gray rocks. Being surrounded by them, my heart became LIKE them... my heart was hard...like a rock. If your heart is the wellspring of life... uhm... mine was dysfunctional. Life was gray, life was cold. So in turn... I was gray and cold and probably entirely unattractive.

If I was impenetrable... like a rock... I could at least make the most of it by being consistent. I'd been hurt by people who promised things and never followed through. I'd made it a point that if I said something, I'd do it or at least try my best to. I didn't want to have people know me as someone who would say one thing but expect that I would never do it. So I strived for consistency and reliability. That's where that attribute came from. Been working on it ever since I was in... jr hi or high school.

I think a lot of people probably look or looked at me and saw my rock wall. It used to take a special type of person who could look beyond the rock wall and see my heart for what it was. Or maybe I allowed a little hole here or there and if someone happened to be walking by, they'd get a tiny glimpse. I don't really know what my first boyfriend saw in me. I actually don't even remember the first time we met or the first time we talked. All I remember about that time was that... someone saw me. Someone noticed. Someone sought me out and I began to feel. All those sappy songs that people write to try to describe love... they started to make sense. And then Pandora's box of emotions flew open. Pandora really let loose especially after we broke up. What a mess. Needy, insecure, manipulative, prideful... all of that was revealed. I cared a whole lot, but I was selfish. In that relationship was my first major testing. I was not strong, like a rock. I was more like those jelly beans that look like rocks. I could not take the pressure. I could not stand upright.

I don't know who writes for Bible Pathways but here's one from today...

You do not put your trust in one you do not know, and the great problem is that so few take the time to really know God by daily praying and reading His Word. Many have heard much about Him; but when problems come, their hold is so slight, their acquaintance so superficial, that they do not know the power of God.

I think that's what was revealed to me. I didn't know the power of God.

Yesterday's Experiencing God talked about being built on a rock. What does that mean? It means that if your life is a house, to be built on a rock is to build your life on a solid foundation... the chief Cornerstone... Jesus, who is the Word of God. Truth. Why is it important to be built on a rock and not on sand? When the storms of life come... those who are attached and standing on the rock, will not be shaken, your house/life will not crumble, the ground will not give underneath your feet... and you can have peace and assurance knowing that you are safe. So no matter what's going on all around you... no matter if the love of your life is diagnosed with brain cancer, no matter what the storms of life throw your way... you will be able to say that I've got the secret to peace no matter my circumstances. Peace that's not dependent on the weather, but upon the security of being with and near Jesus.

So really... it's not that I want to be a rock... I need to be built upon the Rock. And the rock walls I put around me had to come down in order for that to happen.

More from Experiencing God... how to be built on the Rock... it involves "systematically striving to implement the truths of God's Word into your life. Spiritual depth and maturity do not come without consistent effort" (Blackaby & Blackaby, 2006, p. 367). Ya like my APA in-text citation? I've been writing lots of papers lately. I'm not gonna put a references list at the bottom of this post tho. Sorry. Anyway, back to building on a rock... Blackaby & Blackaby make the point that building on a rock is hard. It's laborious and tedious, however, it is secure.

I don't think I ever thought about it being hard. Never consciously anyway. Interesting. I think I'd always just heard that verse and said, yeah the wise man builds on the rock cuz it's smart and the foolish man builds on the sand because he's dumb. I'll just choose the rock cuz I wanna be smart about it. Yeah. I didn't get it. And I don't think I was doing it for most of my life... I probably just thought I was.

It takes great sacrifice to build yourself on the Rock. It takes discipline. The building materials are not easily obtained... they come from God and you need to ask for it. Thankfully though, when you ask, He is faithful and generous to give it. Daily going into His Word and applying it in your life is like building up your house with true and trustworthy materials... even if it's not what the world would want you to use... even if it looks like reject stuff on the outside according to what man sees... have confidence in knowing that God's Words are not junk, are not worthless, and irrelevant. It is incorruptible. It lives, it's truth, it never fades, it endures forever.

Thinking back... this past year... I really wanted to follow God's example by setting up memorials or festivals or just demarcate certain significant times or events in my life for the purpose of truly remembering God's faithfulness, His power, and His deliverance in my life. To remember and to give Him glory for all the work He's done in my life.

So I sat down and I thought about it. I thought there'd be a whole lot that I could memorialize. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that pivotal junctures in my life which I thought were meaningful were just stepping stones... training ground... to prepare me for this year. Every little breakthrough was a little lesson here, a little lesson there... all culminating and strengthening me for the major storms of this year.

I could only think of two events. (1) our wedding and (2) Anderson's death.

I think I'll elaborate on those two events at another time. I more wanted to talk about how much the recent storms of my life have impacted me.

You really never know how strong something is until it's tested. Like... is that really a rock or is it a jelly bean that looks like a rock? Here's a fun picture of jelly bean rocks.

So... yes... testing. Pressure. Fire. It's a good thing. Don't get mad at the source of pressure or at the fire itself. Get mad because your house is crumbling under the weight of it or being burned up. These are the times that alert you that you need to do some reinforcing in this part or that part. It's not the storm's fault that I used shoddy materials or that I didn't spend much time and care building up one part of my life... it's my own fault. Now that I know, I can work with God to build it back up the right way, the strong way... on the Rock and in the manner to which He wanted me to build it in the first place. It's like rain revealing a leaky roof. Do we get mad at the rain for revealing the leak or pay attention to the leak and plan on fixing the roof?

Anything that disturbs my peace, any negative emotion, any harshness, bitterness, anger, frustration... all of those things are signs of sin in my life. Weak places in my heart that I'd neglected that only come to my attention when I'm tested.

So how do you know when you've come out of the testing with approval? No leaks, yes. No negative consequences. But there are positives that you can look for.

1 Peter 1:6-7
⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Genuine faith resulting in praising, honoring and giving glory to God after refinement by fire. Good stuff.

OK, tired of writing, but still more to say. Maybe another day.

Day 143 - Spock!

aww... today is day 143. 143 is like ancient pager code for "I love you".

So, I had an awesome day today. It was probably the first day in a long time that I would constitute as "awesome". What made it awesome, you ask? God made it awesome. My heart and soul was refreshed. Ahh. So nice. Cried a lot today too during small groups. Always awesome to cry with my gals. Sometimes I have no idea what I'm talking about once I start crying. It's like a blur. Words and tears just come pouring out together... unrestrainedly. I think my teards (tear+words? is it working? too close to turds?) were teards of gratitude, of thankfulness, of love... hope so anyway. K. So. Enough randomness. Spock.

So... I'm kind of a trekkie. Anderson never understood it. Even after I made him watch a few movies... he still made fun of me. That and he couldn't even tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. It's OK. I forgave him and we had a beautiful marriage nevertheless. It took me a LONG TIME to watch the new Star Trek movie... mostly cuz I was busy with school, but now that it's out on DVD/Blu-Ray, I've been watching it... kind of a lot.

Are you out of your Vulcan mind? - McCoy

I think I've always admired Spock. For his logic... and for the nobility of his character... in sacrificing himself in that radiation chamber thingee to save the Enterprise and its crew... anyway... so something he says every once in a while is...

If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

I think when you first hear it, you're somewhat just wow'ed by the words, kinda agree with it and then move on with the rest of the movie. Or maybe that's just what happened with me. This time (or I can't remember which time I watched it)... when he said it... I just thought about it. I thought about it over and over and over again.

Seems to make sense. It makes sense when applied to a lot of things... but not with the gospel.

Define "impossible".

The gospel is impossible. But does that make it a lie? Nope. Just inconsistent with Vulcan logic.

So... what is the gospel and why is it impossible? The gospel is that Jesus Christ, the perfect, sinless, Son of God, came to earth fully man and fully God, died an unjust death at the hands of the very people he came to save, rose again on the 3rd day, to conquer death and pay the ultimate once-and-for-all sacrifice to redeem the sins of all of mankind... according to scripture. If we believe that He did this, that we are sinners in need of a savior who did all of that for us... we will be saved and have eternal life. Anyone who believes in their heart can be saved. Has nothing to do with working for it or earning it... it's a free for all... free for the taking. K. Now that sounds pretty darn impossible to me. Eternal life is free? God became man? Rose from the dead? All impossible. But what is impossible for a human is possible with God. So I could say that about anything that's impossible, so how do I know it's true? (1) I know it's true because God has opened my eyes so that I see that it is true and (2) I know it's true because this impossible gospel has changed my life... impossibly... to the point where I know that it's nothing that I did... it was all God. How can I have joy in my suffering? How can I go on living when the love of my life was taken away from me after only six months of marriage? How can I go on smiling? How can I function in the face of tragedy? How can I ever love anyone or anything again? How can I say that I have peace and joy within my heart? And I'm not lying. I really am OK. The God of the impossible has made it possible in me. So... if there was ANY doubt in the existence of God, in the power of the gospel, in the abundant life or in existence of peace that is incomprehensible... all of that doubt is wiped away in the face of the proof that is my life... my testimony. And not just mine... in the testimony and proof of countless other Christians who have truly experienced God in a powerful way.

So many times, we hear that Christianity is all about faith. And it is. I don't know what's going to happen in my life... I just know that it's gonna be OK because God says so... so I have faith in that. I wasn't there when Christ died and rose again, but I believe that it happened... I take it on faith. But if I didn't see it, does it mean that it didn't happen? No. I never saw my parents being born... but their existence... and mine... is proof that it happened.

Faith and logic appear to be incompatible. But I think it really depends on what you have faith in. If you were going to have faith in SOMETHING or SOMEONE, wouldn't you want it to be in an all-powerful, all-knowing God who loves you and wants the best for you... ALWAYS? He has said that He will never leave us or forsake us... that the good work He has started in us, He will complete. If my God can make the impossible happen... if He can turn an ugly, unjust death and turn it into the most beautiful act of love in the history of mankind... I think he can handle pretty much everything and anything. Faith in the infallible, is the logical choice.

I'm a fairly logical person. Someone once told me that I somehow had the ability to "logic" myself out of sticky situations... like a man. It doesn't always work, but I guess it's one of my more masculine traits or tendencies.

Logic offers [Vulcans] a serenity humans seldom experience, a control of feelings so that they do not control you. - Spock's dad.

Feelings are fleeting. Feelings are fickle. Feelings are based on... a perceived, subjective reality. What is logical, is to adhere to the objective reality and live based on that. We learned from the pulpit today that the Bible is our source of objective reality. We can trust in it. Learn from it. Be changed by it. If you wanna find out what Christianity is all about... you can read it yourself. You don't have to take another person's word for it... don't even take another person's testimony for it. You can find out for yourself... directly.

So... if the gospel is true, and if eternal life is truly free for the taking... isn't the logical thing to do... to share it with others? Whether or not they believe is up to them... but as far as you and I go... that's pretty much all we need to do. Just share and let the gospel and the Power behind it speak for Itself.

Hm. I think that may be all the thoughts I have on Spock, logic, and the gospel.

Here's a funny one...

Nowhere am I so desperately needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.

Any thoughts? Is my logic sound?

Day 142 - broken randomness

Wow. It's been a while since I've last written. Hm. 16 days. A lot's happened.

I've been waiting for some free time to write again and now that I have it, I'm having writer's block. I guess I'll just start writing how I feel.

I feel sad. I've been crying a lot this past week. Today, I spent most of the day on the verge of tears but they didn't come. I spent some time knitting. Cleaning my desk. Decided to watch Bolt. Right when Penny said "I miss him" I burst into tears.

Tears are OK. Tears are cathartic. I welcome them. Let them fall.

I miss him.

Yesterday, I finished up my concept analysis on nurse's grief. I don't think it's my best paper ever, I might not even get an A, but I'm OK with that. I used myself as the model case. I wrote two paragraphs on the grief I experienced after Anderson's death and how it's changed me... made me a better nurse... I'd never cried so hard writing a paper for school.

I miss my best friend.

I wish I could be near him. Just lay on his chest and be held. Look up and smile at him... and have him smile back. One day. One day I'll see him again... and I'll spend an eternity with him.

The last three weeks have been hard. For no particular reason. Nothing particularly bad happened. Lots of good things happened. I just don't feel the same. And I don't know why. I stopped trying to figure out why two weeks ago. I've just been living day to day since then.

I wracked my brain for what I was doing wrong.... for what was plaguing me. I couldn't, for the life of me, figure it out. Sometimes... there really isn't a logical reason for feelings. Sometimes there is. Either way... just keep swimming. Walk by faith and not by sight... or by feelings.

In cleaning my desk, I found some old church programs with the notes I took during the sermon in them. One of them was from when I visited Cornerstone back on September 13. I read them again. I remember being so "awakened" and awe-inspired about evangelism and how it was missing in my life... about how I didn't really understand... I heard the words before so many times, but I never really, truly understood in my heart. I actually kinda feel like that's how I lived most of my life as a Christian. Hearing about all these things... but not having experienced it and therefore not understanding. Kinda getting down on myself for not being able to check off the list of things that a "good Christian" does.

I used to make goals for myself... mission statements... every year... that I'd work on for the entire year. Like a new year's resolution. In recounting one of my early mission statements... I think I'd used 1 Timothy... in that I shouldn't let anyone look down on me for being young, but that I should be a good example of speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity. Five fingers. Five attributes. Simple, right? Wrong. Year after year, I'd fall short.

I can't remember when, but one day, I changed my yearly statement... that the fruit of the spirit would be outwardly evident in my life. Apparently, I'd already thought it was evident on the inside... I'd just wanted it to be evident on the outside. Eh. Still got it wrong but getting closer.

So. 2009. January 1st. I challenged my entire small group to write a purpose statement for themselves for this year. 2009 is also the year that I challenged myself with an accountability partner to spend time with God daily. We keep each other accountable on a google document. So January 1st, I put my purpose statement there. Every month on the first of the month, I reevaluate it and remind myself.

2009 Purpose Statement: To be filled by the Spirit, to be led by the Spirit and to lead others by the Spirit.

I don't even think I knew what I was doing when I wrote that. I didn't understand it, for sure. But God has really blessed me this year... the most I've ever been blessed in my entire life. If I had to go through the deepest depths of sorrow and anguish to truly taste the sweetness of the abundant life in Christ... so be it. If it took losing my husband to cancer for me to see and experience God... then that's what it took. God knows. He knows exactly what I need, when I need it, and for how long I needed it. Having a hard time finishing this thought. I'll move on.

Going back to basics... love God, love others. If we do that, everything else will fall into place. You don't need a checklist... you just need to love God. We can only love Him because He first loved us and He loved us with a love that is incomprehensible to us... He loved us enough to die for us so that we could be with Him. The more you love God, the more your heart becomes like His and you love what He loves and you do what He does... you do what He wants you to do. And what He does is, He loves people. What He wants you to do is to obey. Obey what? His Word... Jesus. How do you obey His Word? You have to read it. And not just read it. Do what it says. And not just once a week. Everyday. Just as you need to eat everyday to nourish your body, you need to "eat" the Bread of Life, the Word of God, daily to nourish your spirit... to be filled.

Hm. My brain's not really functioning right now. I think I'll stop now and write more another day. Sleepy. Crying makes me sleepy.