I couldn't sleep.
I worked last night and I only slept for 4 hours before I woke up on my own this afternoon. I could barely get to sleep when I got home too. Too full of thoughts. And... I'm glad that they weren't sad thoughts. There are so many thoughts, I can barely contain them. Not to say that I'm not still struggling with some things... it's just that... sometimes a sense of thankfulness overcomes and overwhelms the sad things.
I can't even describe what I'm feeling. I'm just very full of... "yay!" It's a mixture of thankfulness, joy, big smiles that crinkle your nose... kind of like when you see babies of puppies and they're just so cute you have to pinch their cheeks or give them a big hug or give them big fat kisses all over their face because it just can't come out any other way.
Lavish love. I think it's quite fitting that love is the topic of my first blog entry since I've decided to stop counting the days since Anderson's passing and since I've decided to change the name of this blog from Tifferson Continued to Lavish Love. I think... there are many aspects of love that I wanted to put down in writing. I don't really know where to start, but I'll just start... wherever my mind takes me.
I love being a nurse.
I had no idea what kind of nurse I'd be when I started nursing school. I probably had an inkling that I'd be a fairly efficient one, but seriously... when everyone went around and said that they want to be a nurse because they love caring for people... I really couldn't say that was true for me. I got into nursing for more... utilitarian reasons... and because I thought that it was something that I could feasibly and reasonably do. And it's very versatile and flexible. I really don't think nursing is for everybody. Sometimes... the more I think about it... the more I think that maybe I shouldn't encourage people to be nurses. It's potentially stressful, very tiring, it's long hours, hard on the body, hard on the heart if you tend to get sad when you see sad people or people going through health problems... you need a multi-tasking mind... you need to be able to prioritize... to handle stress... to handle things coming at you from all directions...to be disciplined with your sleeping, to be flexible with your scheduling... and the shoes are typically comfortable... but hideous.
That being said... I love being a nurse and I love that I am a nurse. :) It makes me happy. I think I'm very nicely suited to being a nurse... and being a night nurse actually... is very nice in that I can sleep when everyone else is at work and wake up and hang out with people... and I also have days off during the week so I can do things during the week for those people who are still in school. I... really, really like what I'm doing right now. It's... perfect. :)
I've had a string of very grateful patients lately. Is it a string? A run? I've had a few very grateful patients lately. I've also had fairly calm work days so I've been able to talk to my patients a little bit more than normal. Also, maybe the fact that most of my patients were oriented (which in nursing-speak means... "not confused") had a little bit to do with how I've been able to have conversations with them lately. My patients have been very encouraging.
I had a patient a few shifts ago who was a little bit of a grump lump. She was very sarcastic... to the point where bitterness and frustration were just dripping from her words. She was very quick to respond to my assessment questions with passive aggressively bitter remarks... and for some reason... that particular day, I was very quick to quell them. Normally those things kind of hit me by surprise and I have no words in response. After a while... this woman... started to laugh. I couldn't tell at first if she was making fun of me or laughing at me... or something else... but before I left the room... she said thank you. Thank you for making me smile. And I probably responded with something like, "no problem, any time". But... that was just my reflex response. On the inside... I was... somewhat surprised... maybe even shocked.
I had her a second day on a subsequent shift and her demeanor was much improved since the previous day. This time, she went right to laughing and before I left, thanked me for making her laugh. I was happy. Happy to have made her night a little bit better.
Along with the converted grump lump, I had a cancer patient. She was particularly sweet. Very particular, but very sweet. She was quite liberal in making her requests known, but she was also quite liberal in letting me know that I was the nicest nurse ever. Almost every time I walked out of her room, she'd say, "you're just the nicest, sweetest nurse!". And... it makes me really sad when they say this... but she also said that I was so much better than the day nurse. On the one hand, I'm glad that I could make their night a little bit better, on the other hand, I'm always so sad to hear they had a bad day. It happens a lot, actually. I've had quite a few patients ask me if the day nurse was coming back the next day because they didn't like them or some other reason like that. And I'm fairly certain that these nurses were very good nurses. Perhaps just personality differences or conflicts. Usually with the family and not so much with the patient.
I've worked the past three nights. Amazingly enough, I've had almost the same patients all 3 work days. It's lovely when that happens. I had one patient... a very pleasant and sweet lady. But I could tell, she was lonely. I can't remember which night, but over the course of the two days she was my patient (3 if you count that I discharged her at the start of my 3rd night), she opened up to me. She cried in front of me. She told me about her daughters and how she misses them and how she wished they would take care of her. She told me about her friends and about how she wishes she could be there with them and support them. And she told me that she told her friend that she loved them. And we both decided that people don't say or hear it enough... that they are loved. So... please say it to somebody today. Even if it's just "I love you" to a friend... (not if they're going to get the wrong idea and stuff like that) but to someone your heart cares for... just let them know... they are loved.
So I was thankful that I got a chance to discharge this patient on my third night at work last night. She was so happy to go and I was happy for her. Before she left... she said, "come here and give me a hug and a kiss". So I hugged her. No kiss. Sorry, lady. Anyway... it was so nice to have gotten to take care of her. I don't know if I get too attached to my patients. I don't think so. I'm genuinely happy for her and I'm happy I got to spend a few nights with her.
After one of our long chats (which probably wasn't even that long, but LONG by nursing standards... probably a few minutes), I grabbed her hand and squeezed. We probably exchanged a few more pleasantries. As I left the room, I heard her say (to my back), "you're a darned good nurse...". I didn't turn back and say thank you... I... was almost floored again. I had no words.
Now, I'm pretty much convinced that a "darned good nurse" from a patient's standpoint has not much to do with your nursing skillz... and yes, that's skillz with a "Z". OK, I'm sure that if you absolutely didn't know what you were doing, it would show. But... I was thinking about this with one of my friends... that a good clinician... gets the job done and gets it done well... but a great clinician... gets the job done AND the patient looks forward to seeing you when you come around. If the patient doesn't trust you or respect you... or if they don't feel that you respect them... all your "good work" almost goes out the window and they might just call you a bad clinician simply for the fact that your people skills are atrocious. Being a good clinician has as much to do with who you are as a person as your skill set and competency. So when my patients tell me that I'm a good nurse... or that I'm such a nice nurse... or when they ask me if I'm going to be their nurse again tomorrow... and when every single time that happens it amazes me... it really makes me wonder... when did I grow some people skills?
I've heard it said that some people start out nice and then they just get tired or worn out and they become callous to their patients. I hope that doesn't happen to me. I actually see it... in the ways my fellow co-workers talk about their patients... in the ways that my aid and I differ when we talk about our patients. I'm actually... amazed at my patience... and my tolerance. I know this probably doesn't mean all that much since it was from elementary school... but I remember reading on one of my progress cards... that my teacher suggested that my parents put me in team sports because I didn't get along well with other people. Aaaaand... that's pretty much true of me. People frustrate me. I'd grown hard and callous from being hurt and disappointed so many times by so many people that I didn't trust anyone anymore. There were VERY few people that I trusted growing up. And still among those that I trusted... each of them had always done something that hurt me. My solution was to... not rely on anybody. I made it one of my goals to always follow through with what I said I was going to do. And I really tried my best, but I know that I've let some people down and I know that I've probably forgotten some things. I still remember that I promised I'd make a pair of earrings for someone... back in like... 2007 and I still have an outstanding verbal debt to that woman to this day.
Anyway, back to the point. I think a lot. I introspect and self-evaluate a lot. I search my heart a lot. Sometimes, I have no conclusions... so it's kind of fun to get some help sometimes. I was at my friend's wedding last weekend and on a slide show, she mentioned her and her husband's Myers-Briggs. So it got me thinking. What was mine again? I know it's changed. And then I got curious and I tried Myers-Brigging my friends. And I gave up so I ended up just posting it on my FB status update.
I think... that it's quite interesting that most people fit into only 16 personality types. It makes me think that... no one is as original as they think they are... and that Solomon was right... there's nothing new under the sun. What has been, will always be.
So in thinking about my Myers Briggs... and my fairly recent change from an INTJ (a mastermind - rational) to an ENFJ (a teacher - idealist)... and just barely an E... it's been quite interesting for me to ponder this. I never, EVER thought that I would be even remotely extroverted. But you know what... in thinking a little about my life... about my heart and what it desires... it desires to be with people. Even at the height of my introversion... I still remember being sad that it seemed that "no one" wanted to hang out with me. Why was it that if I wanted to hang out with people, I had to plan it? I had to organize? I had to initiate? Did no one love me enough to WANT to hang out with me without me first reminding them? I remember being quite upset about these types of things... for pretty much... my whole life. This past year has been somewhat of an exception.
Why does an introverted person yearn and crave to be with people... to connect with people? Shouldn't the introverted person gain their strength and energy from being alone... in my own world? Is that what that means? I was almost constantly discontent with the way things were... with my friends, or lack thereof. Always wondering... why I wanted to have friends but didn't seem to have very many close ones. I dunno. It reminded me of this time... when I put on a black skirt. And I looked down and saw that it had a flap here and a flap there... had a hole in it... and I thought aloud... why would I buy such a weird skirt? Why would I own something so bizzare? Doesn't seem like me. Aaaaand then someone else told me... uh... Tiff... I think that's a shirt. And I looked more closely... and so it was. I was wearing it wrong. Upside down and on the wrong part of my body. Not the way it was created or intended. That's kinda how life feels now. It feels like I'd been living wrong my whole life and only NOW has everything seemed in order... to make sense... upright and the way it was intended and created to be. And btw... I'm pretty sure that the day I wore the shirt on my butt... was the night before I got married. How fitting... or ill-fitting actually... but fitting... symbolically.
And... as for feeling God's lavish love for me... I feel so loved that God paved the way for me to be a nurse... and to be a nurse at the exact floor, at the exact time, at the exact hospital that I'm working at. I feel loved that God prepared me and my heart to be a good nurse... and that God has used nursing to teach me to be a good person. For the people I've met at the hospital... I'm glad that I was able to be there for them... to make some of them smile... to make some of them laugh... to help them in what little ways I can for a few hours of a given day that I was randomly assigned to care for them.
I don't know if I was naturally born an introvert or an extrovert and life has turned me into one or the other and/or back again... but I think that if you love God, you love what God loves. And God loves people. You don't have to be "way out there" crazy to love people... you can love people in a very low-key way... but my focus... my focus in obedience to the God who created me for a specific purpose... is likely NOT to tend to my own needs, but to put others above myself... to love others with a love that lays down my own life for my friends... to be focused on others and not on myself.
As for friends... I pretty much spend nearly all my free time either planning things with people, or spending time with people. It's one of my favorite things to do. Not so much the planning but the spending time with people. I also love spending time alone. I don't think I've completely let go of any of my original tendencies... I still see my masterminded-ness within me... just as I see the teacher-ness within me. The introverted version of the ENFJ is the INFJ which is a counselor - idealist. I am still all of those things... only now, I plan to be with people because I want to spend time with them... and because I care about them... I want to know what's going on in their lives... I want to hear them share. I want to laugh with them and enjoy life with them. I love doing that. I feel so happy connecting with people and being with people. Does that mean I love people? I think maybe it does.
In order to give give give... at work... not at work... I need to stay recharged, myself. To constantly be giving (and I think what I'm giving is... love) to people... requires an even greater supply within me... a bubbling well... that regenerates and fills on its own... and the only way that happens on a regular basis, without drying out... is when the bubbling well of love in my heart has found its source in the God who has so much love that He IS love. Trying to love people without God's love within me is... tiring, I think. Reminds me of what I spoke at that retreat a while back... God loves us, we love God, then we love people. When it happens in that order... all is well... the shirt is on right... just the way it was intended and created to be.
I don't know if that made sense. I don't know if what I said was what I intended to write about when I started writing but I'm out of time now and my brain is tired.
Ok... gtg. Write you more later.
<3,
Tiff
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Day 365 - happy eyes
wow.
So it's finally here. It's been a year since the love of my life went to be with the Lord. Did you notice how quickly the year passed by?
When I was visiting my friend in Bakersfield, we spent our first night together catching up. We really hadn't seen much of each other since high school and she has this function on her TV where we can stick our SD cards into it and watch our pictures as a slideshow. I've had my camera for a very long time. And I delete pictures every so often, but I have pictures on there from Anderson's first surgery in 2006, from his recovery, from random things we did over the years... Valentine's day 2008... here why don't I just show you.
From Anderson's first surgery, UCLA Medical Center 2006
From the beanie days...
went to Disneyland a lot thanks to some pretty awesome friends... and we always, always, always took a picture on the tram ride
chest bumps on timer... valentine's day 2008
our beautiful friends
the first meal I cooked for us as a married couple.
went to the Disney lot as Mr. and Mrs. Chen
at the Dodger dugout
Dodgers v. Astros at Minute Maid Stadium in Houston
baking cookies during occupational therapy at M.D. Anderson
As I was looking at these pictures... it dawned on me... how much has happened these past few years. We were happy. We found joy amidst the suffering.
I was at work the other day and a patient from another hallway had wandered into my patient's room and started talking to one of my patients and her husband. I was down the hall but I heard my manager tell the wandering patient that she needed to go back to her room. So I walked over, I put my hand on her shoulder and asked this lovely (but slightly confused) patient, if I could walk her back to her room. She said "yes"... and she also said, "I just wanted to go talk to everyone because everyone here looks so sad... except you. You have happy eyes."
It made me remember something I wrote a while ago...actually... in two days, it will be exactly a year ago.
Here's a little bit...
visited friends in New York
left some of Anderson's ashes in SF...
I went to Maui
I've fallen in love with my family again...
I got a job
I graduated... again.
I went to the Bahamas
Did some volunteer work in Bakersfield
we had our 2nd annual Dodger game day for Anderson. He would have been so proud of his lovely wife sporting his name and his favorite numbers. He probably would have been more proud had I remembered to pack my dodger cap.
went to SF again
In thinking over this entire year... my eyes have definitely been very happy. My heart has been full... filled to overflowing. I have experienced a peace and a joy that I have never known my whole life and I know for a fact that it all originated with God's lavish love for me. His love which has surrounded me and protected me like a force field... His loving staff which has led me to green pastures... to drink at quiet waters...and out of the valley of the shadow of death... His love which has touched the hearts of so many people around me and compelled them to use their hands to reach out and cradle my heart, to wipe away my tears, to experience joy when I joy... and hurt when I hurt... for ears to listen to my emotional outbursts... for eyes that read the novellas that are my daily thoughts... to all of you whose hearts have beat with mine on my journey through my first year of widowdom... I thank God for all of you. Thank you for smiling with me. Thank you for experiencing life with me. Thank you for taking care of me. I couldn't have done it without you.
I've been having really horrible sleep lately. Bad dreams mostly. The absolute worst dream was a few days ago. I dreamt about Anderson. I dreamt that he came back to life... but only for a limited amount of breaths. We didn't know how many breaths he had... we just knew that once those breaths were used up... he'd be gone again. We were at a restaurant. One of his female friends came by and started flirting with him. I got incredibly angry. I stood up and yelled at her to stop it, to get away from us... how dare she this and that... full on screaming in public. As we were leaving the restaurant, I felt a tugging on my heart to go apologize to her... but I ignored it. I figured... I'd just do it later and we left. I got into the car first. Before he could come in after me... he decided that he wanted to run. He wanted to run as fast as he could... just because he felt like he could do it and he hadn't run in a long, long time. Before I could protest, he had already taken off. Do any of you remember how he used to run? Speedy Gonzalez? Anyway, so I went running after him, screaming at him to stop. He finally did and he said, "that was awesome". I was relieved he stopped but I didn't think that it was awesome at all. We got into the car and he was hugging me... tired from running. I was looking ahead and I thought to myself... that running couldn't have been very good... it was wasteful. Wasted breaths. I looked down at him... and I felt him limp in my arms. He was gone. He had died in my arms... again.
I woke up abruptly and gasped sharply. I was motionless and speechless for a few minutes. And then I burst into tears. I was just thinking to myself that I hadn't cried in 2 weeks before I'd gone to bed that morning. I normally cry every few days. I cried that morning like I hadn't cried in a long time. There was a pit.. .a pang... a hollow circle of pain deep within my chest. If anything could have consumed the whole of my heart and make it throb with sorrow, anguish, and regret... if you could imagine that someone had hit the middle of my chest like a mallet hits a gong... the blunt force of the hit hurts like no other... but then, like a gong... the pain reverberates outward from the point of initial impact, spreading concentrically in waves like an earthquake from its epicenter... and I could not breathe. That's what it felt like.
I experienced the silent screams of anguish with every exhale... again.
This time... it wasn't the loss that was driving me to anguish... it was the regret... the shame... mostly the regret. I shouldn't have yelled at that friend. I should have taken the time to apologize. I should have enjoyed dinner instead of being upset. I should have run with him. I should have been WITH him instead of trying in vain to protect and guard that which... was only gifted to me for a short amount of time. It was like I had another chance to be near him and... I wasted it. He didn't waste his breaths... I wasted mine... in vain. And that was what was killing me about the dream.
My dreams affect me a lot. They're so real to me and I get so emotionally involved in them.
I learn a lot from my dreams though. This particular one... a few things came to mind... 1st thing... was that verse... those who want to save their life will lose it... those who give up their life will find it. 2nd thing... was that I don't want to squander the gifts of my life. There is wisdom in saving... but there is also wisdom in enjoying what you've got when you've got it. There is a time to guard and protect, and there is a time to stop doing that and to live in the moment... go with the flow... laugh with your whole heart... embrace life... embrace people... let go of the worry and let things just take care of themselves. Most of what we worry about... doesn't need to be worried over. My room's not going to implode on itself if it's just a little bit messy in here. I know my mom's probably not going to like that I said that, but it's true. My room kind of looks like a hurricane blew through here... but I'll get to it. Not the greatest example but... yeah. OK here's a better one. If it came between putting hours and hours into writing the perfect essay... to get an A... versus spending time with God and spending time with people... not being lazy and shirking my responsibilities... but choosing to spend quality time with God and with people... I'll take the B. God and people are more important than papers. And somehow... when I aligned my priorities in that way... I never got the B. I always seemed to be able to get my papers done. I got to hang out with people... I spent time with God daily... and I got my A's too. What a gift.
It's been a good year. A very, very good year. I don't know what's in store for me in this year to come. Hopefully more good things, but if this year is a year to suffer again... I'm sure it will also be a good year of learning, growth, and refinement. I'm excited for whatever lies ahead. I'm really not sure what it is, but I know that it'll be good.
In the meantime... (Psalm 130:5) I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His Word I do hope. With happy eyes... I do wait... with eagerness... with hope... with anticipation... to experience more of His lavish love for me.
Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it. :)
<3,
Tiff (Ng) Chen
So it's finally here. It's been a year since the love of my life went to be with the Lord. Did you notice how quickly the year passed by?
When I was visiting my friend in Bakersfield, we spent our first night together catching up. We really hadn't seen much of each other since high school and she has this function on her TV where we can stick our SD cards into it and watch our pictures as a slideshow. I've had my camera for a very long time. And I delete pictures every so often, but I have pictures on there from Anderson's first surgery in 2006, from his recovery, from random things we did over the years... Valentine's day 2008... here why don't I just show you.
From Anderson's first surgery, UCLA Medical Center 2006
From the beanie days...
went to Disneyland a lot thanks to some pretty awesome friends... and we always, always, always took a picture on the tram ride
chest bumps on timer... valentine's day 2008
our beautiful friends
the first meal I cooked for us as a married couple.
went to the Disney lot as Mr. and Mrs. Chen
at the Dodger dugout
Dodgers v. Astros at Minute Maid Stadium in Houston
baking cookies during occupational therapy at M.D. Anderson
As I was looking at these pictures... it dawned on me... how much has happened these past few years. We were happy. We found joy amidst the suffering.
I was at work the other day and a patient from another hallway had wandered into my patient's room and started talking to one of my patients and her husband. I was down the hall but I heard my manager tell the wandering patient that she needed to go back to her room. So I walked over, I put my hand on her shoulder and asked this lovely (but slightly confused) patient, if I could walk her back to her room. She said "yes"... and she also said, "I just wanted to go talk to everyone because everyone here looks so sad... except you. You have happy eyes."
It made me remember something I wrote a while ago...actually... in two days, it will be exactly a year ago.
Day 2: I want to let you all know that I do cry. I do not restrain myself and I do not put on any front for anyone. I'm actually having a hard time controlling other emotions as well... like anger or irritation. I can't open the floodgates to let out my grief without also letting all the other stuff out as well. When you see me, I may be just as stoic as you remember me... but with slightly sadder eyes.In the past year... that I've been widowed... so much has happened.
Here's a little bit...
visited friends in New York
left some of Anderson's ashes in SF...
I went to Maui
I've fallen in love with my family again...
I got a job
I graduated... again.
I went to the Bahamas
Did some volunteer work in Bakersfield
we had our 2nd annual Dodger game day for Anderson. He would have been so proud of his lovely wife sporting his name and his favorite numbers. He probably would have been more proud had I remembered to pack my dodger cap.
went to SF again
In thinking over this entire year... my eyes have definitely been very happy. My heart has been full... filled to overflowing. I have experienced a peace and a joy that I have never known my whole life and I know for a fact that it all originated with God's lavish love for me. His love which has surrounded me and protected me like a force field... His loving staff which has led me to green pastures... to drink at quiet waters...and out of the valley of the shadow of death... His love which has touched the hearts of so many people around me and compelled them to use their hands to reach out and cradle my heart, to wipe away my tears, to experience joy when I joy... and hurt when I hurt... for ears to listen to my emotional outbursts... for eyes that read the novellas that are my daily thoughts... to all of you whose hearts have beat with mine on my journey through my first year of widowdom... I thank God for all of you. Thank you for smiling with me. Thank you for experiencing life with me. Thank you for taking care of me. I couldn't have done it without you.
I've been having really horrible sleep lately. Bad dreams mostly. The absolute worst dream was a few days ago. I dreamt about Anderson. I dreamt that he came back to life... but only for a limited amount of breaths. We didn't know how many breaths he had... we just knew that once those breaths were used up... he'd be gone again. We were at a restaurant. One of his female friends came by and started flirting with him. I got incredibly angry. I stood up and yelled at her to stop it, to get away from us... how dare she this and that... full on screaming in public. As we were leaving the restaurant, I felt a tugging on my heart to go apologize to her... but I ignored it. I figured... I'd just do it later and we left. I got into the car first. Before he could come in after me... he decided that he wanted to run. He wanted to run as fast as he could... just because he felt like he could do it and he hadn't run in a long, long time. Before I could protest, he had already taken off. Do any of you remember how he used to run? Speedy Gonzalez? Anyway, so I went running after him, screaming at him to stop. He finally did and he said, "that was awesome". I was relieved he stopped but I didn't think that it was awesome at all. We got into the car and he was hugging me... tired from running. I was looking ahead and I thought to myself... that running couldn't have been very good... it was wasteful. Wasted breaths. I looked down at him... and I felt him limp in my arms. He was gone. He had died in my arms... again.
I woke up abruptly and gasped sharply. I was motionless and speechless for a few minutes. And then I burst into tears. I was just thinking to myself that I hadn't cried in 2 weeks before I'd gone to bed that morning. I normally cry every few days. I cried that morning like I hadn't cried in a long time. There was a pit.. .a pang... a hollow circle of pain deep within my chest. If anything could have consumed the whole of my heart and make it throb with sorrow, anguish, and regret... if you could imagine that someone had hit the middle of my chest like a mallet hits a gong... the blunt force of the hit hurts like no other... but then, like a gong... the pain reverberates outward from the point of initial impact, spreading concentrically in waves like an earthquake from its epicenter... and I could not breathe. That's what it felt like.
I experienced the silent screams of anguish with every exhale... again.
This time... it wasn't the loss that was driving me to anguish... it was the regret... the shame... mostly the regret. I shouldn't have yelled at that friend. I should have taken the time to apologize. I should have enjoyed dinner instead of being upset. I should have run with him. I should have been WITH him instead of trying in vain to protect and guard that which... was only gifted to me for a short amount of time. It was like I had another chance to be near him and... I wasted it. He didn't waste his breaths... I wasted mine... in vain. And that was what was killing me about the dream.
My dreams affect me a lot. They're so real to me and I get so emotionally involved in them.
I learn a lot from my dreams though. This particular one... a few things came to mind... 1st thing... was that verse... those who want to save their life will lose it... those who give up their life will find it. 2nd thing... was that I don't want to squander the gifts of my life. There is wisdom in saving... but there is also wisdom in enjoying what you've got when you've got it. There is a time to guard and protect, and there is a time to stop doing that and to live in the moment... go with the flow... laugh with your whole heart... embrace life... embrace people... let go of the worry and let things just take care of themselves. Most of what we worry about... doesn't need to be worried over. My room's not going to implode on itself if it's just a little bit messy in here. I know my mom's probably not going to like that I said that, but it's true. My room kind of looks like a hurricane blew through here... but I'll get to it. Not the greatest example but... yeah. OK here's a better one. If it came between putting hours and hours into writing the perfect essay... to get an A... versus spending time with God and spending time with people... not being lazy and shirking my responsibilities... but choosing to spend quality time with God and with people... I'll take the B. God and people are more important than papers. And somehow... when I aligned my priorities in that way... I never got the B. I always seemed to be able to get my papers done. I got to hang out with people... I spent time with God daily... and I got my A's too. What a gift.
It's been a good year. A very, very good year. I don't know what's in store for me in this year to come. Hopefully more good things, but if this year is a year to suffer again... I'm sure it will also be a good year of learning, growth, and refinement. I'm excited for whatever lies ahead. I'm really not sure what it is, but I know that it'll be good.
In the meantime... (Psalm 130:5) I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His Word I do hope. With happy eyes... I do wait... with eagerness... with hope... with anticipation... to experience more of His lavish love for me.
Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it. :)
<3,
Tiff (Ng) Chen
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Day 351 - so very blessed
I don't know why I'm awake at 6am on a day that I'm not working. I slept at 2am. Maybe God wanted me to get an early start to my day. Or maybe I have work-lag. Working 4 nights straight will do that to your sleep-wake rhythms.
I really like the quietness of the early morning. Even in hot, hot Bakersfield, there's a cool breeze and a briskness in the air that is just super refreshing and reminiscent of those days where I would wake up crazy early and spend time with God outdoors during camp. Yeah, that was probably the ONLY time I'd ever wake up at 5am to take a shower and then sit on a log and just "spend time with God" or more like just stare at the trees and listen to the birdies chirp and squirrels scurry over crunchy, dried pine needles. Good times. Good times.
I haven't blogged in a while. Not that I haven't wanted to. I don't know how I got so busy all of the sudden. My friend asked me yesterday how it felt to be out of school. Honestly... I hadn't really noticed. It seems like if I have papers or homework to do, I somehow found time to do it. Now that I don't... it somehow feels like I have less time to write than before. How is that possible?
So I wanted to write a little bit about my day yesterday. Or my night, more accurately. I was listening to the radio and some guy was talking about how people tend to write when they're going through rough/tough times. I don't want to ONLY write when I'm sad, but it does seem to be when stuff starts to pour out. I also wanted to write a few days ago when I was bubbling over with joy for having a few hours off from work... but I spent my time enjoying those hours rather than sitting and writing about it.
OK so enough with the preamble. This might be a long one... it might now. I'm just going to start writing and see where it takes me. Bless your heart for reading my ramblings. I don't blame you if you've stopped. But if you've stopped... you wouldn't even be reading this right now. RAMBLING! OK. I'll stop now.
So... I had an aversion to driving... especially driving long distances. I think I was traumatized in college... driving so much to San Diego... and then driving to retreats for AACF... and driving all over the place... I just hated driving. Anderson loved driving. Match made in heaven. He drove me everywhere... when he could still drive. And I didn't mind feeding him while he drove. He told me later that me feeding him while he was driving was like one of those things that he and his guy friends said was like... ULTIMATE in girlfriend criteria or something like that. Did I write once about the time I fed him steak while he was driving? I fed him steak and I didn't have a knife. I had to bite it off and then spit it out and then fork it and put it in his mouth. And I didn't tell him that's what I did until he was almost done with the steak. :/ He still said it was the best steak he ever had... in the car.
Anyway... so yesterday, I did a lot of driving and I actually kind of enjoyed it. It's good thinking time. It's good singing time. It's good time to listen to sermons or the radio. Not like I'd want a super long commute... I'm VERY happy with my <30 min commute to/from work... but I'm starting to enjoy the time I spend in the car. It's nice alone time. Peaceful. Even in traffic yesterday.
What I thought about in the car... mostly, I thought about my shift last night. My conclusion:
I am so, so blessed.
And I am also a pretty wretched creature so all these blessings... are absolutely and unequivocally undeserved. Such amazing grace.
So let me tell you about my day and everything that led up to these realizations. I had the worst day at work last shift than I've had in a long, long time. Thinking back on it... it wasn't even that bad. I think I've had worse days at work, objectively, but yesterday, I had a breakdown at work and cried. Normally after a bad shift, I'd come home, shower, and THEN cry. I couldn't help it yesterday. I had to cry at work.
In my ponderings... I decided that I felt a little bit like Job yesterday at work. VERY vaguely reminiscent of Job, but nowhere near to the all-encompassing devastation that Job experienced... just a very small inkling. I also heard on the radio that one pastor didn't want to teach on Job for a long time because he didn't want to invite the same kinds of suffering that Job experienced on his own life. I hear that all the time... "be careful what you ask for"... or "be careful what you say... cuz right when you say it, the opposite's going to happen" as if God's just waiting for you to love something and then he'll snatch it away... or He's just waiting for an opportunity to smack you with the worst suffering you've ever had... just because you said so. That is NOT what God does and that is NOT how He works. Having that kind of attitude is... just sad. If I need to go through what Job did in order to bring me to a place where I say "my eyes have seen You"... then so be it. The suffering is temporary. The eternal rewards are greater and more "worth it" than anything this world can throw at me. But... that's not to say I'm a glutton for suffering. I know that God would only allow me to suffer just enough to bring me to the place where He wants me to be... to the point of submission that I can handle right then and there. I know I know it. Experiencing it... is the only way that will prove what I'm really made of. Testing, if you will. Lets you know your weaknesses and where you need to improve.
Anyway... getting back to the point... feeling like Job... I think... I'd been doing so well at work lately that I was starting to get prideful. I was thinking to myself... I'm a good nurse! I rock! I can DO this!
NOT.
How very quickly I found out that it is not because I'm awesome that things were going well. It is because of God's favor... God's face that shone on me... His grace and His delight to bless me and grant me the desires of my heart... it was the Giver of good gifts that made things go well. Not anything I did or can do. I started to take more pride in the gifts than in the Giver. Very bad.
The more I think about the situation... the more times it repeats in my head... the more I start to strip away and the less of a "bad day" it seems. I had boiled it down to me being frustrated and overwhelmed because things weren't going the way I wanted them to... I couldn't be the nurse I wanted to be... I didn't have the time to take to do things the way I wanted to... and I needed help. I needed a lot of help.
There was too much out of my control. The more time passed, the more I realized what hadn't been done... the more that big to-do list piled up on top of my head. Slammed. Slammed is a very good word for how I felt the first few hours of work last shift.
Vandalized. Also another word that described how I felt.
I'm reading through the Psalms and when I read the part about how my spirit and my heart had failed me... that is also how I felt. Downtrodden.
So what really happened?
I wrote out most of what happened in my journal. In looking at it right now... I don't think I need to recount the events. It's mostly just nursing stuff... it'd take me longer to explain why it was hard... just let me say that I had a hard day at work. And what pushed me over the edge... was having my venti reusable starbucks cup stolen.
I KNOW, it's so lame. But I'm lame sometimes. I was talking to my cup before work. I said, "cup... I really like you. I use you a lot. You hold a lot of liquid and you're reusable... and I love that you have a straw and I can see everything I'm drinking. I'm so glad I bought you and I hope I never lose you". I got really attached to that cup.
Finding out that it wasn't where I left it... and that I couldn't drink my iced tea that night... I think it was like the drop of water that caused a ripple which caused a crack which zigzagged and grew to crumble the dam. There's always a moment of peace and silence... right before the dam breaks. You see it in the movies. You hold your breath and then you start hearing the crackling. That's how I felt when I was doing my chart checks. I was staring at the orders for the day and I just felt like crying. I was hodling back the tears the whole time I was scrambling around when work was slamming me against a hard place... but I couldn't hold it anymore. I decided to let one tear out. OK maybe one tear per eye. I went and wiped it away. I came back and a few more came out. Went to wipe again. And then I decided that it was ridiculous to hold back. So I grabbed my charts and went to go sit, cry, and work with my friend in a fairly deserted hallway. I had only meant to sit and work and cry... in silence... but being the awesome person that she is... she didn't let me get away with that. She let me sit. She let me vent a little. She let me cry on her shoulder. She wasn't having the greatest night either but she let me have my moment. I'm very thankful for my co-workers.
I was still downtrodden even after my crying episode. My heart was sad. I couldn't smile. Physically... I just couldn't do it. At that point, I got handed the paper which means that I should be expecting a call for report on my new admission. Sigh. Work. And then my patient's IV stopped working an hour before I had to hang her antibiotic. Double sigh. So I tried starting a new IV in her. I figured... I can do it... this patient has excellent veins. Nice big beautiful ones. That should cheer me up. But... I failed. I couldn't start one. I called for help and the other nurse in my hallway was just about to go to lunch so she couldn't help. I can see why. Normally we only ask other nurses to help if it's a difficult one to start. But anyway... I still felt like a failure. So after the other nurse went to lunch... I tried again. I failed again. Double failure. My feet were dragging. I'd lost the will to work. And I love my work. I was so, so sad.
And then I got the phone call for report. Of course my admission would come when I was at my lowest. The ER nurse made some jokes. I chuckled. Then my admit came. My aid was nowhere in sight. Of course. And my patient was spanish-speaking only. Of course. As if my day couldn't get any worse. And... then something happened. My aid came to help. The family member spoke a little bit of English... my aid was able to translate the rest... and midway into my admission history... I started to perk up and feel like a nurse again. My smile started to come back and I felt like I could care again.
I went to the nursing station after I was done with my admission history to look at the orders. THANK GOD for complete orders. I was getting my paperwork started when the resource nurse came to break me for lunch. She was a godsend. She helped me all throughout the time I was getting slammed... and now she forced me to go take a break... she also said she'd start my IV for me and hang my antibiotic after she started it. She said she felt for me and that it was OK to have "one of those days". I kept trying to finish up my paperwork but she basically had to close my chart on my hands and tell me to do it later. I really needed that break and I'm glad she forced me to go.
My other friend was also having a bad night... so we ate. We ate ice cream together.
Lunches are short for us. I had to go back to work... but going back... I was pensive. I thought to myself... I did ask God how I could be a salt and a light at work tonight. Here's my chance. Was I being a salt and a light up until that point? No. I had a complaining heart and a downcast spirit. My responses were very... human. Very fleshly.
What should I have been doing? Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice. Pray without ceasing. Praise the Lord. I figure... it's OK to cry. It's OK to be sad. But even through my mourning... through my sadness... I need to remind myself and rejoice for the things that are worth rejoicing in. I rejoice in the blessing of having a job. In being in a profession that I love, that I enjoy, that I can see myself being good at in the future. I have awesome friends and co-workers. I have an awesome resource nurse who saved my life on multiple occassions that day... and I rejoice at having ice cream in the freezer at work and a friend to enjoy it with.
Sometimes it's hard to jump from mourning to rejoicing... but it starts somewhere. So I decided to smile. Start with a smile. And then not to isolate myself and wallow, but to go sit with my co-workers and be around people. I decided to let go of the day. Let go of my cup. Let go of the temptation to blame others for the bad things that happened. Sometimes stuff just happens. There are so many things I can't change. So many things I can't help. All I can do is change the things I can... and it starts with my attitude.
Smile. Talk to people. Laugh with them. Show compassion to my patients and care for them the way they need to be cared for regardless of how I'm feeling at the moment.
So I hung out with my co-workers. It helped a lot. As I talked to them, I learned more about them and they started to learn more about me. I got to show some people my wedding picture on my phone and give a very brief overview of what happened. It's not much, but it's a start.
Two of my friends came to work on day shift and I got more hugs. By then I was feeling so much better. I could smile again. My heart was glad. I left in a better mood than I came in.
And then I got called in at 8am to finish up some paperwork that I'd overlooked. When I got the call, I groaned. This was the same manager who gave me my assignment for the day. There would also be traffic heading back south on the freeway. But... I shut my mouth. I agreed to come in. While I was driving in traffic... I had time to start to think about my shift. I wasn't upset at being called in... but I made an active decision not to be. It was my fault and it is my learning experience. Yes yes shoulda woulda coulda... but this is all to help remind me not to do it again and to be a better nurse for the next time.
I had a lot of realizations. I realized that I'm not perfect. I'm not awesome. I'm still learning. All of this was a learning experience which will help me to know where I am weak and where I can do better in the future.
I also realized that anyone can have a bad day at work. Not everyone has such an awesome and loving God who provided so many beauitful people with beautiful hearts to help get me through a really bad day. Not everyone has a job to even have a bad day at. Not everyone has good days all the time and once in a while has a bad day. Some people have bad days all the time. Not everyone has co-workers who let them cry on them... not everyone has co-workers who will go out of their way to help you... not everyone has co-workers on night AND day shift who will give me hugs when I need it... and sometimes give me hugs just because. And not everyone works with people who love ice cream.
I am so very blessed. :)
This is me with my new grad co-workers. Hugs and ice cream buddies.
I really like the quietness of the early morning. Even in hot, hot Bakersfield, there's a cool breeze and a briskness in the air that is just super refreshing and reminiscent of those days where I would wake up crazy early and spend time with God outdoors during camp. Yeah, that was probably the ONLY time I'd ever wake up at 5am to take a shower and then sit on a log and just "spend time with God" or more like just stare at the trees and listen to the birdies chirp and squirrels scurry over crunchy, dried pine needles. Good times. Good times.
I haven't blogged in a while. Not that I haven't wanted to. I don't know how I got so busy all of the sudden. My friend asked me yesterday how it felt to be out of school. Honestly... I hadn't really noticed. It seems like if I have papers or homework to do, I somehow found time to do it. Now that I don't... it somehow feels like I have less time to write than before. How is that possible?
So I wanted to write a little bit about my day yesterday. Or my night, more accurately. I was listening to the radio and some guy was talking about how people tend to write when they're going through rough/tough times. I don't want to ONLY write when I'm sad, but it does seem to be when stuff starts to pour out. I also wanted to write a few days ago when I was bubbling over with joy for having a few hours off from work... but I spent my time enjoying those hours rather than sitting and writing about it.
OK so enough with the preamble. This might be a long one... it might now. I'm just going to start writing and see where it takes me. Bless your heart for reading my ramblings. I don't blame you if you've stopped. But if you've stopped... you wouldn't even be reading this right now. RAMBLING! OK. I'll stop now.
So... I had an aversion to driving... especially driving long distances. I think I was traumatized in college... driving so much to San Diego... and then driving to retreats for AACF... and driving all over the place... I just hated driving. Anderson loved driving. Match made in heaven. He drove me everywhere... when he could still drive. And I didn't mind feeding him while he drove. He told me later that me feeding him while he was driving was like one of those things that he and his guy friends said was like... ULTIMATE in girlfriend criteria or something like that. Did I write once about the time I fed him steak while he was driving? I fed him steak and I didn't have a knife. I had to bite it off and then spit it out and then fork it and put it in his mouth. And I didn't tell him that's what I did until he was almost done with the steak. :/ He still said it was the best steak he ever had... in the car.
Anyway... so yesterday, I did a lot of driving and I actually kind of enjoyed it. It's good thinking time. It's good singing time. It's good time to listen to sermons or the radio. Not like I'd want a super long commute... I'm VERY happy with my <30 min commute to/from work... but I'm starting to enjoy the time I spend in the car. It's nice alone time. Peaceful. Even in traffic yesterday.
What I thought about in the car... mostly, I thought about my shift last night. My conclusion:
I am so, so blessed.
And I am also a pretty wretched creature so all these blessings... are absolutely and unequivocally undeserved. Such amazing grace.
So let me tell you about my day and everything that led up to these realizations. I had the worst day at work last shift than I've had in a long, long time. Thinking back on it... it wasn't even that bad. I think I've had worse days at work, objectively, but yesterday, I had a breakdown at work and cried. Normally after a bad shift, I'd come home, shower, and THEN cry. I couldn't help it yesterday. I had to cry at work.
In my ponderings... I decided that I felt a little bit like Job yesterday at work. VERY vaguely reminiscent of Job, but nowhere near to the all-encompassing devastation that Job experienced... just a very small inkling. I also heard on the radio that one pastor didn't want to teach on Job for a long time because he didn't want to invite the same kinds of suffering that Job experienced on his own life. I hear that all the time... "be careful what you ask for"... or "be careful what you say... cuz right when you say it, the opposite's going to happen" as if God's just waiting for you to love something and then he'll snatch it away... or He's just waiting for an opportunity to smack you with the worst suffering you've ever had... just because you said so. That is NOT what God does and that is NOT how He works. Having that kind of attitude is... just sad. If I need to go through what Job did in order to bring me to a place where I say "my eyes have seen You"... then so be it. The suffering is temporary. The eternal rewards are greater and more "worth it" than anything this world can throw at me. But... that's not to say I'm a glutton for suffering. I know that God would only allow me to suffer just enough to bring me to the place where He wants me to be... to the point of submission that I can handle right then and there. I know I know it. Experiencing it... is the only way that will prove what I'm really made of. Testing, if you will. Lets you know your weaknesses and where you need to improve.
Anyway... getting back to the point... feeling like Job... I think... I'd been doing so well at work lately that I was starting to get prideful. I was thinking to myself... I'm a good nurse! I rock! I can DO this!
NOT.
How very quickly I found out that it is not because I'm awesome that things were going well. It is because of God's favor... God's face that shone on me... His grace and His delight to bless me and grant me the desires of my heart... it was the Giver of good gifts that made things go well. Not anything I did or can do. I started to take more pride in the gifts than in the Giver. Very bad.
The more I think about the situation... the more times it repeats in my head... the more I start to strip away and the less of a "bad day" it seems. I had boiled it down to me being frustrated and overwhelmed because things weren't going the way I wanted them to... I couldn't be the nurse I wanted to be... I didn't have the time to take to do things the way I wanted to... and I needed help. I needed a lot of help.
There was too much out of my control. The more time passed, the more I realized what hadn't been done... the more that big to-do list piled up on top of my head. Slammed. Slammed is a very good word for how I felt the first few hours of work last shift.
Vandalized. Also another word that described how I felt.
I'm reading through the Psalms and when I read the part about how my spirit and my heart had failed me... that is also how I felt. Downtrodden.
So what really happened?
I wrote out most of what happened in my journal. In looking at it right now... I don't think I need to recount the events. It's mostly just nursing stuff... it'd take me longer to explain why it was hard... just let me say that I had a hard day at work. And what pushed me over the edge... was having my venti reusable starbucks cup stolen.
I KNOW, it's so lame. But I'm lame sometimes. I was talking to my cup before work. I said, "cup... I really like you. I use you a lot. You hold a lot of liquid and you're reusable... and I love that you have a straw and I can see everything I'm drinking. I'm so glad I bought you and I hope I never lose you". I got really attached to that cup.
Finding out that it wasn't where I left it... and that I couldn't drink my iced tea that night... I think it was like the drop of water that caused a ripple which caused a crack which zigzagged and grew to crumble the dam. There's always a moment of peace and silence... right before the dam breaks. You see it in the movies. You hold your breath and then you start hearing the crackling. That's how I felt when I was doing my chart checks. I was staring at the orders for the day and I just felt like crying. I was hodling back the tears the whole time I was scrambling around when work was slamming me against a hard place... but I couldn't hold it anymore. I decided to let one tear out. OK maybe one tear per eye. I went and wiped it away. I came back and a few more came out. Went to wipe again. And then I decided that it was ridiculous to hold back. So I grabbed my charts and went to go sit, cry, and work with my friend in a fairly deserted hallway. I had only meant to sit and work and cry... in silence... but being the awesome person that she is... she didn't let me get away with that. She let me sit. She let me vent a little. She let me cry on her shoulder. She wasn't having the greatest night either but she let me have my moment. I'm very thankful for my co-workers.
I was still downtrodden even after my crying episode. My heart was sad. I couldn't smile. Physically... I just couldn't do it. At that point, I got handed the paper which means that I should be expecting a call for report on my new admission. Sigh. Work. And then my patient's IV stopped working an hour before I had to hang her antibiotic. Double sigh. So I tried starting a new IV in her. I figured... I can do it... this patient has excellent veins. Nice big beautiful ones. That should cheer me up. But... I failed. I couldn't start one. I called for help and the other nurse in my hallway was just about to go to lunch so she couldn't help. I can see why. Normally we only ask other nurses to help if it's a difficult one to start. But anyway... I still felt like a failure. So after the other nurse went to lunch... I tried again. I failed again. Double failure. My feet were dragging. I'd lost the will to work. And I love my work. I was so, so sad.
And then I got the phone call for report. Of course my admission would come when I was at my lowest. The ER nurse made some jokes. I chuckled. Then my admit came. My aid was nowhere in sight. Of course. And my patient was spanish-speaking only. Of course. As if my day couldn't get any worse. And... then something happened. My aid came to help. The family member spoke a little bit of English... my aid was able to translate the rest... and midway into my admission history... I started to perk up and feel like a nurse again. My smile started to come back and I felt like I could care again.
I went to the nursing station after I was done with my admission history to look at the orders. THANK GOD for complete orders. I was getting my paperwork started when the resource nurse came to break me for lunch. She was a godsend. She helped me all throughout the time I was getting slammed... and now she forced me to go take a break... she also said she'd start my IV for me and hang my antibiotic after she started it. She said she felt for me and that it was OK to have "one of those days". I kept trying to finish up my paperwork but she basically had to close my chart on my hands and tell me to do it later. I really needed that break and I'm glad she forced me to go.
My other friend was also having a bad night... so we ate. We ate ice cream together.
Lunches are short for us. I had to go back to work... but going back... I was pensive. I thought to myself... I did ask God how I could be a salt and a light at work tonight. Here's my chance. Was I being a salt and a light up until that point? No. I had a complaining heart and a downcast spirit. My responses were very... human. Very fleshly.
What should I have been doing? Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice. Pray without ceasing. Praise the Lord. I figure... it's OK to cry. It's OK to be sad. But even through my mourning... through my sadness... I need to remind myself and rejoice for the things that are worth rejoicing in. I rejoice in the blessing of having a job. In being in a profession that I love, that I enjoy, that I can see myself being good at in the future. I have awesome friends and co-workers. I have an awesome resource nurse who saved my life on multiple occassions that day... and I rejoice at having ice cream in the freezer at work and a friend to enjoy it with.
Sometimes it's hard to jump from mourning to rejoicing... but it starts somewhere. So I decided to smile. Start with a smile. And then not to isolate myself and wallow, but to go sit with my co-workers and be around people. I decided to let go of the day. Let go of my cup. Let go of the temptation to blame others for the bad things that happened. Sometimes stuff just happens. There are so many things I can't change. So many things I can't help. All I can do is change the things I can... and it starts with my attitude.
Smile. Talk to people. Laugh with them. Show compassion to my patients and care for them the way they need to be cared for regardless of how I'm feeling at the moment.
So I hung out with my co-workers. It helped a lot. As I talked to them, I learned more about them and they started to learn more about me. I got to show some people my wedding picture on my phone and give a very brief overview of what happened. It's not much, but it's a start.
Two of my friends came to work on day shift and I got more hugs. By then I was feeling so much better. I could smile again. My heart was glad. I left in a better mood than I came in.
And then I got called in at 8am to finish up some paperwork that I'd overlooked. When I got the call, I groaned. This was the same manager who gave me my assignment for the day. There would also be traffic heading back south on the freeway. But... I shut my mouth. I agreed to come in. While I was driving in traffic... I had time to start to think about my shift. I wasn't upset at being called in... but I made an active decision not to be. It was my fault and it is my learning experience. Yes yes shoulda woulda coulda... but this is all to help remind me not to do it again and to be a better nurse for the next time.
I had a lot of realizations. I realized that I'm not perfect. I'm not awesome. I'm still learning. All of this was a learning experience which will help me to know where I am weak and where I can do better in the future.
I also realized that anyone can have a bad day at work. Not everyone has such an awesome and loving God who provided so many beauitful people with beautiful hearts to help get me through a really bad day. Not everyone has a job to even have a bad day at. Not everyone has good days all the time and once in a while has a bad day. Some people have bad days all the time. Not everyone has co-workers who let them cry on them... not everyone has co-workers who will go out of their way to help you... not everyone has co-workers on night AND day shift who will give me hugs when I need it... and sometimes give me hugs just because. And not everyone works with people who love ice cream.
I am so very blessed. :)
This is me with my new grad co-workers. Hugs and ice cream buddies.
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