purple flowers

Hi Friend,

I'm super exhausted but I did want to write a follow-up to my last post.  Thank you so much for praying for me!  If you didn't read my last post, I'm pretty sure you would have prayed for me had you known so thank you for meaning to pray for me.  And if you don't pray... well, thank you for thinking good thoughts for me or meaning to think good thoughts for me.  I really appreciate all of you for supporting me and keeping my thoughts in good company over the years.  Thank you for caring for me.

So I think I asked for prayer about my presentation in my last post but I might not have talked about what I was presenting.  I wrote a paper on hospital visiting hours and overnight guest policy and why I think they should be more lenient.  The reason why I chose that topic in particular was because I needed to write an opinion piece advocating for culturally competent care in the workplace.  It was a melding of my own personal experience as a family member of a patient and as a nurse working on a unit which is not exactly family-friendly.

I actually wrote it with a very tiny inkling that maybe I could send it to my CNO (Chief Nursing Officer) and possibly plant the seed for a policy change, but I wasn't actually sure I would go through with it.  After I wrote it, I didn't feel that great about it.  I figured I'd let my professor give me some feedback first.  I did get really good feedback on it and my professor challenged me to think of ways to create a more caring and culturally competent atmosphere on my unit.  And then the CNO actually came to my floor, on a night that I was working...to bring us cookies.  I thought I heard her voice so I turned around to say hi.  She asked me how I was doing... how school was going... and then I had an inkling that maybe I would write her a thank you email for coming and bringing us cookies... and btw, here's my paper.  So I did. 

Sometimes I'm very thoughtless.  I don't really think about the potential consequences of my actions before doing them... for example... whether or not I actually wanted to go back to school before sending my application.  It just seemed like a good idea at the time.  I have this weird way of thinking about grad school.  I figure that I'll just apply and if I get in, then I'll decide whether or not I want to go.  If I don't get in, I won't have to decide... the decision's made for me. Why should I limit myself when I don't even have the option of making that choice yet?  Usually it works out.  Nursing school totally worked out.  Getting my doctorate... I did freak out.  Emailing my CNO was one of those thoughtless decisions.  I don't know what I thought was going to happen.  I really didn't think that she'd email me back and ask me to present at a nursing leadership meeting. 

And then I got an email a few weeks later from another director letting me know that I could have 10 minutes to present... 8 minutes to present my "article and my findings" and 2 minutes for questions.  Once things started to materialize and I had actual dates and times... I started to freak out.

I didn't really know how to prepare for it.  I was sitting here with my paper... wondering what I was going to say.  I don't even talk about this stuff with my co-workers... my peers!  How was I going to talk about it with nursing managers/directors?  And honestly... who am I?  I'm a baby nurse compared to all of them.  I guess it didn't help that the last nursing leadership meeting I went to, there were like 50 people in the room and there was... arguing and bickering going on.  Anyway... so I figured I'd just prepare for it the same way I prepare for my other presentations... I'll make a powerpoint. 

I didn't intend on actually presenting with the powerpoint... just using it to guide my presentation.  I could also use it to time myself so I stay within the time limits.  I actually started shaking with nervousness as I was making this powerpoint.  I've never started shaking this far in advance.  Normally, I get really nervous 5 minutes before I present...not 12+ hours before.  So I decided to choose a theme that would calm me... something that when I looked at it, would make me happy.  So I chose this one... a purple flower theme. 


And because I wanted to build a little credibility, I did spend 3-4 slides introducing myself and letting them know my motivation for writing this paper.  I made up my mind that I was going to tell them that I'm a widow.  It is relevant.  And it was my "hook". 

So my "hook" actually ended up backfiring a little bit on me because the CNO introduced me and said that I had recently been at the hospital as a family member of a patient... and I told her, and everyone else... that it was actually my husband... not just any family member. 

I was already shaking before it was time for me to present and by the time I said, "widow" I broke down in tears.  It was probably a culmination of my emotional instability, being so nervous that I couldn't sleep the night before, and just feeling overwhelmed with the situation in general... I started crying. 

I am so glad that I'm a nurse.  I think in almost every other profession, if you burst into tears in front of your executive management, it'd be a negative thing.  Nurses are so caring.  I got so many hugs.  My previous director actually got up and stood in the back of the room so that I would see her and just talk to her... to help decrease my anxiety.  They offered me a chair.  It was just such a caring and nurturing experience. 

I was able to get through the rest of my presentation surprisingly.  Even though I had less than 10 minutes to present and I was talking really fast, people made a lot of really pertinent comments.  They were totally paying attention.  One lady even shared her own personal story with the group after I was done.  Someone else came up to me and shared that they were a widow too.  And one of the male managers said that he was sorry for my loss.  I'm not sure if they were just being nice, but a lot of people came up to me and told me that I did a good job.  My own managers said that they were proud of me.  The woman who hired me gave me a high five and said that she was happy to see me growing.  Who could ask for anything more? 

On top of that, the CNO finished up the meeting and challenged the managers and directors to think about their care from the patient's perspective and she asked them to think about whether or not our hospital could just get rid of the visiting hour limitations altogether.  She told someone to put it on next month's agenda.  I'm not sure if anything will come of it but I was really surprised by everyone's response.  Very pleasantly surprised.  And maybe if our policies do end up changing... maybe I did my little part to help. 

To God be the glory.  Seriously.  Great things He has done.  I was ill-prepared, sleep-deprived, and a crying, shaking, nervous mess.  The fact that any words at all came out of my mouth was a miracle and a blessing.  And the fact that the whole thing was received so well... despite my less than stellar delivery... another miracle.  As if I needed another reason to add to the proof that I serve the God of the impossible... He just keeps lavishing me with His wonders.   

I did go to Target afterwards to run an errand but I ended up finding this purple flower air freshener.  I felt like it jumped off the shelf and called to me.  Kinda like God was reassuring me and letting me know that He was always there... and He left me this little flower to find along the way because He knew exactly what would make me smile... He always knows how to leave little love notes everywhere for me to find to let me know He was thinking of me and that He cares.  You might think... that it was just a flower.  Somebody in China probably pressed a button to make it... but you know what... that person in China didn't know that I would find it today and that my heart would delight in it.  I really think that God used whoever created it and all the hands that got it precisely where I was walking by to bless ME. 

Brain function is super low right now.  I really need to sleep.  How come every time I think I'm going to write a short one, it ends up being really long? 

I'd just like to end by relating this entire situation back to something I read today... in Nehemiah that encouraged me too.  I love Nehemiah... it's such a good book.  So much good stuff in it.  Anyway... so Nehemiah was just a cup bearer... but cup bearer to the king of the nation that conquered Israel.  He was just one man... with a heart full of compassion... and he wanted to do something about the sad situation that he heard about.  He decided that he was wanted to rebuild the walls around Jerusalem.  Nehemiah wasn't really "anyone" either.  He wasn't a builder, he wasn't an architect, he wasn't some great military leader... he was just a man with a heart that moved for his people...a prayerful heart that sought to obey God.  He prayed... and then made the most of his situation and asked the king if he could go to Jerusalem to rebuild their walls.  I don't know if Nehemiah really thought about the task set before him.  Maybe he did, maybe he didn't think about the task so much as He thought about the God who could make all things possible.  Maybe all he had to do was show up with a desire deep in his heart to do what God had put on his heart to do and then just trust that God would empower him and take care of everything else.

So maybe that's all I need to do too.  God gave me my life experiences and put me in a situation where I see needs and I see areas that could be built up.  And I really could just keep to my work and glorify God in that, but what if God called me to do something bigger?  What if He gave ME the voice to speak up to the CNO to ask for a change in hospital policy?  And what if some great and miraculous things were to happen simply because I said something... and then showed up to say something more? 

Who knows what's going to happen in the future.  Maybe nothing will happen.  Maybe I'll just be known as that girl who cried in front of everyone at that one meeting in September.  I don't know.  I'm really tired.  I think maybe I'll take another cue from Nehemiah and just work on building up the wall that's right in front of me.  One stone at a time, one day at a time... and then maybe one day before I know it, the walls will be high and strong. 

I don't think I'm making any sense anymore.  Anyway, I hope that was enough to give you the gist of how my presentation went. 

Good night...
<3,
Tiff

in·ad·e·quate

I don't have a clear idea of what I want to write... I just know that I think I probably need to.  I've been fairly emotionally unstable lately... or maybe just full of emotions... like my emotional cup is so full that any little bump on the table causes tears to spill over the brim.  Last night was my first night back at work after 2 weeks off.  Thankfully I was resource nurse and thankfully I got to go home early.  God takes very good care of me.  Since I've got a few "extra" hours, I figured I'd just write my heart out so I can sleep soundly. 

I'm not sure if it's the crazy switching back and forth between night schedule to a normal "day" schedule... or going from eastern time back to pacific time... or a backlash from the crazy gluttonous diet... but my hands were shaking today as I was starting an IV.  Not good to have shaky hands while starting an IV.  Veins are delicate.  This lady had already been poked multiple times.  I could feel myself getting really hot and sweaty trying to stop my hands from shaking.  Once again... very thankfully... the lady responded well to my distraction questions and we were able to hold a light conversation as I started her IV.  We talked about the twin towers, where we were when it happened, she told me how she used to be a 3rd grade teacher, how her favorite subject was English... I asked about her kids, she told me about them... she asked if I had any kids... and she told me that it's a wonderful thing if you find the right person to have kids with... (the length of this conversation should give you some indication as to how much time it took me to recompose myself before I started this IV...) ... and then I finished.  I feel very good when they say, "oh you're done already?".  Success.  I distracted them enough that they may have forgotten the fact that I just inserted a catheter into their vein... and then taped it all up real nice.  What was the point of that story?  Oh... the shaking.

Yeah...  that's how I feel right now.  I'm about to do some pretty crazy nursing things at work... and unlike starting the IV... I've never done this stuff before.  I go back and forth between confidence and fear.  This is what it sounds like in my head:  I can do it!  No, I can't.  Yes, I can!  No, I can't.  I'm ready!  No, I'm not.  I'm emotionally shaking.  Quivering. 

I also really wanted to blog because I wanted to ask for your prayers.  This Thursday, I'm doing a short presentation in front of like 30 managers/directors/supervisors at my hospital.  In 2 weeks, I'm going to be transferring out of my unit and starting work on another unit.  And a month or couple months after that, I'm likely going to be transferring from that unit into the ICU.  Simultaneously, I'm starting to solidify my research question and I'm at the point in my doctoral program where I'm going to start writing chapters of my dissertation. 

A week ago I kind of had a mental and emotional breakdown.  I was so overwhelmed... I couldn't handle it anymore.  I resorted to running.  Well... literal running... I actually got on a treadmill and ran.  If you know me, I never do that.  I felt like all the pressure and the expectations... all the unknowns... all the changes... they were all catching up to me and I asked myself WHY I was doing this to myself and HOW in the WORLD did I get myself into this situation?  I was freaking out. 

OK this is going to be a long and boring blog... I can tell.  Sorry.  That's what I get for not blogging when my emotions were at their peak. 

Why, oh why, did I start a doctoral program?  Why did I interview for an ICU position?  Why did I stir the pot and start emailing my CNO (Chief Nursing Officer) about things I wanted to see improved at our hospital?  Half the time, I feel like I just "fell" into it.  If you miss 100% of the shots you don't take... what about making the shots you just kind of throw into the air?  I kinda feel like I just threw a ball in the general direction of the hoop and it either bounced in on its own or like banked off the backboard and ended up in the hoop.  And the emailing... I don't know.  I'm a crazy emailer.  I just email everything. 

Let me take myself back to why I wanted to get a Doctorate of Nursing Practice (DNP) to begin with.  Actually, I didn't really know what a DNP was when I applied... I just figured that I already had a masters degree... if I was going to go back to school, I'd better get a doctorate this time... and I knew I didn't want a PhD.  And yes, a DNP is different than a PhD.  Basically, a PhD generates "new" knowledge... and the DNP, a practice-based doctorate, works on applying that knowledge in the clinical setting.  DNPs are supposed to be expert clinicians... educated to achieve the highest degree in the field of nursing... reaching the highest level of clinical competency... while still practicing in the clinical setting... while being expected to contribute to academia through teaching and publishing... and to be involved in developing nursing policy... nationally, statewide, instutition-wide...omg... I think I'm starting to have palpitations just thinking about the expectations. 

So... presenting in front of nurse managers, unit directors, and house supervisors... communicating with executive management... and also working as a staff RN... those are all good things that help me along the way... so I guess that's why I gave it a shot... that's why I just went for it.  And now I'm at the point where I'm about to start "doing" something... and I'm getting all shaky. 

I did write an email or two while I was having my breakdown a few weeks ago.  I wrote that all I wanted to do was to cry and have someone say, "it's gonna be OK".  I did a lot of crying.  My dear friends emailed me back a lot of encouragements... everywhere I turned, I was getting encouragement... but it wasn't until a few days ago that I actually heard someone say, "it's gonna be OK" and it really spoke deep into my heart.  And then I cried again.

At the point where she said, "it's gonna be OK"... it hit me and time stopped...just for a moment.  Deep within my heart... even though I knew everything was going to be OK... I still wanted to hear someone say it.  And someone did.  I was so moved.  It was as if I was harboring an intense craving for 2 weeks and the craving was finally met, unexpectedly, in the most random of places...at the back room of a nail salon. And not only that... she went on to say, "you were meant for great things.  I'm not sure what yet, but I can just feel it.  You were meant for something special."  And then it was as if the table was bumped really hard and I couldn't hold back tears anymore.  Tears just fell out of my eyes... down my cheeks... plopping one by one in rapid succession onto my chest.  There I was... one hand held by a manicurist... the other hand stuck in a UV light machine... and big fat tears were falling out of my eyes.  And then my friend pulled tissues out of her magic mommy purse and wiped away my tears.  I was so humbled.  I felt such amazing grace. My friend treated me to a mani/pedi... she spoke words of encouragement which spoke directly to the desires of my heart... and went above and beyond... to physically wiping away my tears when I couldn't do it myself.  I felt so loved.  So very loved. 

I've also been reading about Daniel and his buddies.  They were Israelites... brought in captivity to Babylon and subject to a foreign king.  Not like it's the same... but sometimes I feel like I'm a captive to my schoolwork and my work schedule.  Sometimes I feel like it dictates my life... what I can and cannot do.  Anyway... so Daniel and his buddies... out of all the good-looking youths that were plucked out of Israel and sent to Babylon school... the four of them were something special. They made it into the Bible for one thing. The reason Israel was taken into captivity was because they disobeyed God.  And now these 4 very special boys were chosen... chosen for something more.  They were faithful with small things and God put them in charge of big things.  If you think about it... it is kind of a small thing... to choose to eat vegetables rather than the king's choice food.  Even though food stuff was pretty big among the Jews... it was just food.  They stood their ground and ate their veggies and God blessed them... physically... in wisdom... and in favor before the king. 

I was thinking about how they ended up where they were... as rulers and governors... and they were technically second-class citizens in that country... but having deep within them a fear of God... and a solid conviction to obey Him no matter what... that was the beginning of their wisdom... and it just permeated to the rest of their lives so that even a pagan nation could recognize that they were something special.  And Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego survived the fiery furnace unsinged and unscathed... and may have seen Jesus in that fire.  And Daniel... who was so upright and faultless that the only thing that his enemies could think of to bring him down was through his faithfulness to God.  He also survived a den full of hungry lions.  Those four guys survived miraculously.  Their lives were extraordinary... not because of anything they did really... but what God was able to do through them when they feared Him and were simply and faithfully obedient to Him.

So... maybe all of this is just part of my training... building me up for bigger things in the future.  I have been placed where I am for a reason.  I was chosen to live my life, and mine alone.  I was chosen to be a nurse at my hospital... and Anderson played a huge role in preparing me for that.  I am who I am, as a person and a nurse, largely because of him.  God used Anderson to soften my heart... to open my eyes... to show me love so that I would experience love and also be able to give it... and my experience living with Anderson in the ICU is partly why I thought I wanted to become an ICU nurse to begin with... and the reason I chose to write about why I feel that visiting hours and overnight guest policy should be less restrictive is because of my experiences in the hospital as the wife of a cancer patient... and I'm pretty sure I'm going to write my dissertation on patient- and family-centered care because I want to help others have a better, more efficient, more "healing" experience on multiple levels... and getting there means I'm going to have to communicate my heart and my passion... and what better place to start than right now at the next nursing leadership meeting. This Thursday.  In 3 days. 

I don't know what I'm doing half the time.  Failing is also a vital part of the learning process.  So "succeed" or not... it's all going to be OK.  God has promised that His plans are for good and not for evil so in the grand scheme of things... He has already succeeded... even if I fail at this presentation.  And maybe a failure will be a good learning experience for me so that I'll be better prepared next time.  Maybe I'll fail as an ICU nurse... and that'll just tell me that it's not where I was meant to be.  Maybe I was just meant to be a med-surg/tele nurse.  Hopefully I can still be a good nurse practitioner either way.  And if I need to quit, then I'll quit and find something else to do and something else to be. Anyway... it's all really a win-win no matter how I look at it. 

God has proven Himself more than able and more than gracious... to me... to other people... to all my Jewish homeboys and homegirls in the Bible... and even in my hour of need... when my heart cried out that "I cannot".. that I am inadequate for the task set before me... His grace is more than sufficient to meet me where I'm at... faults and insecurities and all... and show me that He is God... in great things and in small things.  And He also takes care of those little details and sends beautiful hands to wipe away my tears when I need it too.  This is a God that does big things like speak the world into being... and small things too... like cradling the heart of this widow-nurse-student.  Hmm.  I think I'm OK to go to bed now... and I also think this blog was more for me than anyone else cuz it is NOT a pretty post.  Sorry.  Ending now.  Thanks for reading if you got this far...

<3,
Tiff