Dear Anderson...

Dearest Anderson,

I never really called you Anderson in real life... only when referring to you to other people.  Even now it sounds so sterile and impersonal... but this is half a letter to you and half letting others know my thoughts.  I just felt like writing to you tonightT.  I haven't written to you in a while.

Three years ago you went home to be with the Lord.  Not a day has passed since then that I have not thought of you, missed you, or wished you were here.  I really can't believe it's been three years.  It's been an eventful three years though and I've met a LOT of fun people along the way; I call them my "adventure friends".  I doubt I would have made any of them were it not for your influence in my life.

My life map.

A couple weeks ago I got the opportunity to listen to someone's life map presentation and I thought it would be a good idea to do one for myself.  The instructions asked me to ponder my heritage, my heroes, my high points, my hard times, and the hand of God through it all.  I thought it would be an easy process.  I was wrong.  It's not that it's hard for me to identify any of these things... it's hard for me to narrow it down to something I could share in 20 minutes.  It's been hard for me to narrow down.  I almost feel as though I could go for days recounting all of these things... but one thing's for certain... you are a hero, you are a high point, we had hard times and yet we clearly saw the hand of God through it all... even when it was happening and I can see it even more so in hindsight.

In thinking about my life before you... I recognize how the moments I thought were major events... only served to prepare me for you.  My childhood salvation... the years and years of Sunday schooling... all that stuff came in handy (well in my own life as well) to introduce you to God.  My decision to go to UCI even though it didn't tickle my fancy when I visited the campus... rooming with Vicky... made it possible for us to meet.  If I never dated my first bf, I don't think I would have tried so hard or spent so much time in San Diego during my second relationship... and then I might not have gone to their AACF and I might not have decided that it joining a college fellowship was something I should do after I broke up with him.  If I hadn't ever met Leslie Fung/Ho at FCBC, I might not have given her rides home where we talked about UCI's AACF and I might not have tried it out.  If I never did that, I might not have been asked to join their IM softball team which is when we started to hang out more.  If my dad hadn't played sports with my brother and me when we were small, I might never have been comfortable enough with a bat, ball, and glove to play on the team.  If I had never swung a bat, I might not have gone with you to the batting cages... and we never would have gone to McDonald's afterwards for our "first date" of hot fudge sundaes...no nuts please.  If I had never gone to AACF, I would have never dragged you there to meet all my Christian friends who took an immediate liking to you and with whom we made so many fun memories.  If I never had issues with my old youth pastor, I might not have appreciated Pastor Ted so much and I might not have stuck around FCBC after college... and you might never have met Ted and his family... and you might not have had your conversations about Christianity and you might not have accepted Christ.

If you hadn't been Brazilian Taiwanese, you probably never would have gone back to work in Brazil and we wouldn't have had a long distance relationship which helped teach me not to draw my identity from my relationship, but to develop my own identity and go after my own goals.  If we never had a long distance relationship, I might not have had to continually ask myself if we were "worth it" and I might not have continually reaffirmed that we were.  We might not have developed our "motto" of "it doesn't matter what we do or where we are, as long as we're together everything will be OK".

If I hadn't gone to FCBC my whole life, I might not have started a small group (called BEANO, which stands for Be Encouraging, Accountable, and Nurturing to Others) and I might not have learned all the lessons about the women of God, how to be a woman of faith, a woman of excellence, a woman of prayer.  It might never have dawned on me that the only reason you got on my case about things was because you cared about me... and you were performing your God-given role to lead me in sanctification and present me holy and blameless... and I might never have learned how to listen.  If I had never started BEANO, I might not have started doing daily devotions with Becca which turned into daily Bible reading with accountability... which turned out to be my lifeline and my source of strength through our days in Houston when we were far away from everything familiar to us.

If I wasn't born in 1982 and I hadn't grown up where I did... if I never went to Stanley G. Oswalt Elementary School, I never would have met Alli and Mark, whose brother got us the appointment which led us to the clinical trial we weren't even looking for at MD Anderson in Houston.  If I hadn't gotten a Facebook account, if Alli and Mark never found each other on Yelp, if Ted had never left FCBC and went to East Valley, I never would have visited, I never would have reconnected with Alli who had recently reconnected with Mark on Yelp... we never would have had an elementary school reunion... and I never would have invited them to our wedding... and Mark would never have known about us.  I had skipped a grade in Montessori School too.  If I had never been put in public school, in that particular year, I wouldn't have been in class with Alli and Mark and I never would have met them.

If I hadn't been so indecisive about what to do after graduation, I probably wouldn't have worked in the Weller/Sakai plant research lab after graduating and I probably wouldn't have built such a strong research foundation.  I applied for grad school while working in that lab with the help of my professors.  If Cal State Fullerton hadn't offered me a grant which covered all my tuition, I might not have gotten my Masters in Public Health.  If I hadn't been at CSUF that particular year, I might not have known that they were starting an entry-level masters nursing program for people who already had a bachelor's degree in another field (totally "me").  If I hadn't gotten into this particular program and if I hadn't been a bio major in undergrad, I might not have been able to get all my prereq's done so easily, and I might not have gone to nursing school.  I only applied to one school and I didn't even decide I really wanted to go until I got accepted.  Not to mention, CSUF also gave me a grant which paid for my nursing school as well.  When I hear about other people trying to get into nursing, I can totally tell that God wanted me to be a nurse.

If you hadn't gotten a brain tumor, I wonder how much longer it would have taken you to propose to me.  If we had never gone through what we did during the first surgery, I wonder if we would have been convinced that we were "the ones" for each other.  If the tumor had never started to grow back, you might not have proposed when you did.  If you didn't propose to me that summer and if you hadn't had so many residual functional deficits after the second surgery, we probably would have started to plan the wedding.  Since we didn't plan anything for six months, it made the 30 hours of planning that made our wedding possible an even more miraculous feat... an even greater act of God which showed us that if God wants it to happen, it will happen.

If I hadn't started my nursing program that particular year, and if I weren't in that particular program, the perfect "take a break" point right after pre-licensure but before our master's level coursework wouldn't have fallen right before you got the news of the second time the tumor.  If I had been in any other program, I wouldn't have had any more classes to take... and when I came home after being widowed, I wouldn't have enrolled myself in five classes and I probably wouldn't have spent time with my friends who really helped me get back to something "normal".  If I hadn't spent so much time with those particular friends, I wouldn't have known that they were offering us the option to stop early and take a Bachelor's in nursing instead of the Masters... and I was only one of 5 people that year to be able to do that.

If I hadn't hung out with this particular group of friends, I probably wouldn't have applied to that nursing job at Little Company of Mary and after not getting that job, I might not have blogged about it. If I never blogged about it, my mom might not have gotten me into the new grad nursing luncheon at Anaheim Regional where I got my first job.  If I hadn't gotten this first job, I probably wouldn't have opted for the Bachelor's in nursing.  If I never opted for the Bachelor's, I probably wouldn't have decided to look for BSN to DNP (Doctorate of Nursing Practice) programs.  If I hadn't had the background in research to know that I do NOT want a research doctorate, I might not have applied to this particular program.  And if my experiences living with you in the hospital had never given me such a deep empathy for patients and families, I might not have had never-ending fodder to fuel paper after paper I wrote for school while working full time.  If I hadn't had my experience with you, I might not have been able to decide on a dissertation topic which stemmed from my experiences as the wife of a frequently hospitalized patient.

If I had never met you, I never would have moved to Houston with you and I never would have torn myself away from my friends, my church, and the seemingly important things that filled my brain and my time.  If I had never been stripped of everything that was familiar, I might never have seen the things that God showed me when all that excess had been taken away.  I might not have had the time to listen to His voice so intently and if we had never had to deal with cancer, I might not have cried so hard or yearned so much to hear His voice and receive His comfort.  If Becca hadn't been keeping me accountable with Bible reading every day, I might not have done it and I might have been robbed from the gifts of insight God gave me during those leisurely days in Houston.

If I hadn't been at FCBC all my life and if I hadn't had so many friends there who sacrificed so much to give us our miracle wedding, they might not have asked us for prayer requests and I might not have started the google group where I wrote our updates and prayer requests.  If I hadn't done that, I might not have started blogging all my thoughts and I probably would have drowned and died due to my overwhelming grief.  If I had never started blogging, so many people would never have known me or met me... I might not have written that article for Inheritance Mag and I wouldn't have met Yealee and I never would have gone on The Upper Room and been taped for that kind of interview.  I'm not sure how many people have learned about you and our story through Inheritance and The Upper Room, but if you said that you wanted your story to be shared far and wide... I think God made that happen... in ways I never would have imagined possible.

And most importantly, if God hadn't brought us together, taught me all of these things, and primed my heart to hear His voice... I might never have opened my eyes to see that all of these things were brought about out of His deep, undying, unfathomable love for me.  It is because of this that I would never wish that I never met you, I would never wish that I had never loved you, and I would never wish that all of this had never happened.  If God could have taught me all of this without brain cancer and being widowed, I'm pretty sure He would have done it.  He knows me and He knows you.  He knew exactly what both of us needed to humble us and bring us to a place where we would SEE Him... and that is exactly what He did... no more, no less.

If I hadn't been widowed, I wouldn't have come home to Cali with a renewed sense of adventure.  I distinctly remember one day where I decided to say "yes" more than "no" and to try new things, to travel by myself... to go out and explore and live out new adventures that I never would have done before.  I think I used to hang out with friends maybe once or twice a month.  It used to be really difficult for me to make girl friends and now I pick up new friends left and right and I meet people with whom it seems like I could have known them my whole life but I only just met them yesterday.  I love my life.  It is extremely full, extremely vibrant... full of good food, so many good "adventure" friends... and laughing with my whole heart.

There's so much more I could say... but I think I could go on and on and on with more stories of "if this never happened, then..." but the bottom line is that without you, none of this would have happened in my life.  And maybe God would have orchestrated another equally elaborate interweaving of people, places, and events if you and I never were... but I love our story and I love that you played such a huge role in it.  I think you were perfectly cast to play opposite me in this love story and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I don't think it is possible to contain my life map into a mere 20 minutes.  I would need hours and hours to recount all the awesome things God has done in my life and all the people and events He's used to bring them about.  And 3 years ago, you passed away.  I don't really think that I truly "lived" before you... and my life the past 3 years has been nothing short of amazing.  I thank God and I thank YOU for it all.  If you're not keeping up with every detail of my life, I'm glad we have an eternity for me to tell you all the stories I'm collecting.

I love you and I miss you.  Can't wait to see you again...
<3,
me

And even though it's technically still the 21st, if we were in Houston, we'd be on Central Time which would make it the 22nd already.  Happy heaven day, my darling husband.