I couldn't sleep last night. I might have fallen asleep around 5am and I woke up at 9 so I could make it to my passport appointment in LA. Let me back up a bit.
Lately, I've noticed something about myself. I'm careless when it comes to some things... forgetful when it comes to some other things. I was listening on the radio that everyone makes mistakes but it's a fool who makes the same mistake over and over and over again.
They teach us in nursing school to develop good habits. If we have good habits, it will prevent us from making mistakes. Nursing is a little bit different than most jobs. There are many many different kinds of nurses but for floor nursing, we do 12 hour shifts a few times a week. We have a skeleton structure as far as what time of day we do assessments, how often we take vital signs, when we typically give scheduled medications but for the most part we prioritize our work day as we see fit according to the varying needs of the patients we care for. No two shifts are exactly the same and we can never count on them to be either. We're almost constantly on the move and we're crazy multi-taskers... which makes it even more important that we develop good nursing habits otherwise in the chaos of the regular workday... we could make mistakes. I'm not a perfect nurse and I never will be but I've been pondering this concept I've learned at work and how it might apply to my everyday life to keep me from making mistakes.
So I'm quite foolish with a couple of things. I almost always forget to bring sandals to the gym when I plan to shower there. I've stood on paper towels, I've showered in my socks... and when I'm wearing Vibrams I can shower in my shoes, but the last time I forgot flip flops, I actually showered in my normal-looking shoes. It wasn't too bad while I was in the shower but afterwards I had to take home shoes which were soaking wet and dripping all over the place. As I was fussing with these water-logged shoes in the locker room, I had a thought... that maybe going back to the car wasn't that much of a hassle but I didn't do it cuz I was lazy... and now I have to deal with the consequences of my laziness. Not a huge deal. It was over 100 degrees outside that day so they dried fairly quickly when I left them outside. I've made other mistakes whose consequences were much more costly.
I also... tend to leave things in my pockets when I wash them. Usually it's not a huge deal... but after having washed my fourth pedometer, my car key fob (thankfully it still worked after being tumbled in the dryer), and finally a stick of magenta lip stain/gloss... I finally had to break down and admit that I have a problem. Pedometers are easily replaced... sort of. I even bought an expensive pedometer so I'd be more careful with it but I ended up washing it by accident anyway. The magenta lip stain all over my white laundry though... that one was a little harder to "undo". It took me maybe 2.5 hours of spot-treating my whites. I almost considered just throwing away some items... who knew that 2 inches of lip stain could turn my clothes into Jackson-Pollock-like artwork? It was more like lipstick than stain/gloss. Used a combo of dishwashing liquid and the Tide Buzz thingee. Totally worked. But I got semi upset at myself for not being more careful. If only I had checked my pockets, I could have saved myself hours of tedious labor with a fickle machine who loves to malfunction frequently.
Red stains on khaki clothes on white clothes... reminded me of the consequences of my poor judgement, my careless actions... my sins. It's not the same and I was very fortunate that I could get the stains out... but what if I couldn't? I love my toki doki scrub top. I also love my dress with the black top and khaki skirt with the pockets. I would have had to throw them away. Maybe the toki doki top could have been wearable with red marks all over it but not the dress. And it is just clothing... but I cared enough to spend the time to painstakingly go over every square inch of those clothes and remove the stains. Seconds of carelessness gave way to hours of work to right the wrong...to save my favorite articles of clothing.
Another iteration of this theme of foolish carelessness... I lost my passport. I'm pretty sure I last used it in 2010 when I took that trip to China and I thought that I was careful with where I put it but obviously not. I couldn't find it anywhere and I'm going on a Bermuda cruise at the end of the month. Good thing my cousin asked me for the info last week. I still had time to apply for a new one with expedited service. I also had the day off today so I did have the time to drive to West LA, stand in line at the passport agency, sit in line again at the passport agency... and get it taken care of. I also got the nicest passport agency lady ever. She was so pleasant. It did feel like God's grace to me... even though because of my carelessness, I had to pay over double the cost of a regular passport when I JUST got my last one 3 years ago. And note to self and to others... it doesn't matter if the heels go better with the outfit... and it doesn't matter if they're the most comfortable heels ever... I really shoulda chosen the flats. Standing in line for over an hour in heels is not fun. While I kinda think that the lady wearing hello kitty house slippers to the passport agency adorned her feet unacceptably (even if you have a newborn and you're Asian)... I did almost envy her feet after an hour. Oh well. At least I looked cute. Sometimes I dress nicer just in case I'll need "help". Never can tell with government agencies or getting annoying paperwork or documents. Couldn't hurt to look put together and pleasant. I coulda bought a couple of pretty nice pairs of shoes with what I spent to get a new passport. Yes. Being careless can be quite expensive.
I know I'm kinda being a drama queen about my clothes but it's cuz it reminded me of a theme which kinda resulted in a messy, sobbing cathartic episode last night during my insomnia.
I also hate to only blog when I'm super happy or sad... but sometimes that's when the emotions are stirring and I write to get it out.
There are some situations that are fixable. Obviously, it would have been better had I never gotten myself into these situations to begin with but sometimes we make mistakes, we have accidents and in general it's OK. Might be kinda costly or time-consuming or a hassle but at the end of the day, I can buy another pedometer, I can probably buy a replacement dress or maybe a different scrub top and I can even replace my passport fairly easily... but sometimes you make mistakes and you can't fix it... or sometimes things just happen and there are no do-overs or fix-its or replacements. There's just accepting it and moving on... making the best with what you've got left.
This isn't exactly going where I want it to. It's getting kind of depressing. But if I'm really honest with myself, I think I've been going through a touch of depression lately. I'm not sure if anyone else can tell but I can tell. The thoughts I think... the moments where my face kinda just droops under the weight of a sadness I can't exactly explain... I know something's not quite right. I'm tired. I'm getting annoyed at people. I start to second-guess everyone's behavior and wonder if they hate me or if I've done something to put them off. I start reading novels when I probably don't have time to. I start watching TV series or movies... spending way too many hours just vegging in front of a screen when I have better things to do... eating junk food incessantly... taking too many naps... avoiding people. I've been feeling it for a few weeks now, I think. I'm thankful that people keep wanting to spend time with me even when I don't initiate. It helps pull me out of my funkiness. But I was avoiding...something. I was just sad and I didn't know exactly why... I have no reason to be sad. I am very, very blessed.
The other day I felt like crying. I hadn't cried in a long time. I watched Grey's Anatomy and I cried during that episode where they took McSteamy off life support. It took me back to Houston. Watching the agonal breathing... get slower and slower... until... nothing. And watching Downton Abbey... how the girls of the day would try so hard to snag a husband only to have one careless mistake leave them rejected and alone.
In between watching Downton Abbey, I read my Bible reading for the day. We're reading the life of Jesus and how those who asked healing of Jesus received it instantaneously as a result of their faith. When Jesus was in his hometown... no one believed so they didn't get hardly any miracles or healings. Was my sadness my ailment? My aching heart... I felt like it needed healing... so I asked for it. What I got almost immediately after was a whole lot of tears.
Always a good day when I cry though. I'd rather FEEL something than nothing. I cried harder than I'd cried in a very long time. And I wished Anderson were here. As I was crying, I got really honest with myself as to why I felt so sad and why I kinda got upset at myself for being sad. I felt ugly. I felt unwanted. I felt tossed aside and overlooked. I felt worthless. I know it's crazy stupid and totally not true but it's how I felt and it is how I feel sometimes. And I missed having Anderson there for me. I missed a lot of things about him. I missed how he always knew what to say to make me feel better. I missed him telling me that he thought I was the most beauTIFFul woman in the whole entire world. I know I'm not but he always told me that to him I was and that's all that mattered to him. I wanted to ask him what he ever saw in me and have him tell me all the reasons he loved me. I know it's stupid but sometimes I need to hear it. I think what I missed most of all was that he saw me and loved me... not just for who I was but for who he knew I could become. He believed in me and hoped in me and when I was rude or mean or lashed out with a razor sharp tongue... he just loved it away. He was amazing. But he's not here at the moment. I'm on my own for now... sort of.
One of the most important lessons I learned in the past few years... through all the heartache and pain... was that through it all and despite it all and in the midst of the most horrible things I could ever imagine... God loves me. He used Anderson to show me how much He loves me and even though sometimes I think of Anderson and I miss Anderson first... I ultimately settle on the fact that it was God who loved me first and foremost and it is God's love that I yearn for and God's love that will fill the void within me. Cheez-its won't satisfy. God will and God does. I just need to let Him.
I don't need Anderson to tell me I'm beautiful to be reminded of my worth. If I were the only lost soul on this planet, Jesus would still have come for me. He would have died for just me. I am worth it to Him. But God also gifted me with Anderson and Anderson gifted me with scrapbooks and letters he wrote to remind me of the things I so often forget. How did he know me so well... to write out all the things he would always say to me and put them in a book... so just in case I forgot... I would always have them to re-read whenever I wanted to? What amazing foresight. What amazing love.
Something else that's been on my mind lately... so at church we just finished a series called "image". It was basically about immigration, citizenship... hospitality... valuing others because they are God's creation and not for any other reason. I wrote this to my life group in response to a sermon...
I think what stood out to me most was the line, "don't defame God's beloved"... or something like that. It kinda tied into something a co-worker said to me the other day... he asked me if anything offends me and it took me a really long time to come up with an answer. My co-workers poke fun at a lot of things and it usually helps us laugh and get through the day but I decided that I would be SERIOUSLY offended if anyone poked fun at Anderson (my husband) or my marriage. One of the most insensitive things anyone has ever said to me was, "oh you were only married 6 months... that's like you weren't even married at all" and I was fuming mad at her. I understand that a lot of people don't know what to say to widows but I was irrationally angry and it was because she was belittling the love of my life and the best thing that ever happened to me. If I got like that for someone I love with my imperfect love... how much more does God get angry when someone speaks badly about someone He loves unconditionally? Every single person on this earth... God loves with His unconditional love. And when we love someone... we will tend to love what they love by proxy so again, I agree with the speaker when he said that we cannot love God without loving His people. God is madly in love with His people and if we are not also... it may mean we are not madly in love with God either.As I've been struggling through the past few weeks... I've kept in mind, "don't defame His beloved" when I've been annoyed by people. I know I need to work on being overflowing with God's love but in the meantime... I should keep good habits, be especially mindful of the things I say and do when I'm in this state... to keep myself from having to deal with costly consequences. Also... Jesus woulda come for just me but He would have also come and died for the most annoying person ever as well... and maybe I'm the most annoying person ever to someone... and nobody wants to be spoken badly of.... and I certainly don't want to offend God by talking smack about the people He loves.
I'm thankful for His provision for me. I'm thankful for my job, my friends, my family... even my "stuff". And I'm also thankful that God thought me valuable enough to de-stain me through His sacrifice and His grace. Sigh. Headache.
Anyway... more of an update/record-keeping post than anything groundbreaking or super interesting. I'm working on it and I do feel better today. Hopefully it continues to get better. I'll cry it out. No worries. Always a good day when there's crying involved.
oh and I found out my IRB proposal passed at the university level. Now all I have to do it pass it with my hospital and I should technically be good to go as far as implementing my clinical dissertation study. It's awesome. It's also work that I'm not exactly looking fwd to...but it has to be done. Yay?
Thank you for being my friend and for listening.
<3 p="p">Tiff
