gutted

Did I already mention that I'm having a pretty rough lenten season?  I had another rough week... but it was also incredible and miraculously awesome as well.  I feel so, so blessed.  

I had another meltdown the other day.  It was pretty bad.  But it was also pretty awesome.  I shall tell you the story.  Sit tight.  It might take a while.

For the past week or so, I've been waking up progressively earlier and earlier in the mornings and being unable to fall back asleep.  I almost never have this problem.  I usually have the opposite problem... I can't wake up in time... or I have a hard time falling asleep at night (not mornings).  When it was 6am... it was OK.  When it became 4am... it got really tiring.  And lately it's been that I can't stay asleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time.  I am physically and mentally exhausted.  When I lay there in the mornings and I'm tired and I can't fall back asleep... it makes me feel like crying.  It's a deep longing and frustration for something so simple which had rarely eluded me in the past... but felt so, so out of reach... unattainable.  

Sleeping pills?  Yes.  I've been trying them.  I'm normally really, really sensitive to Ambien.  I take a bite out of a 5mg pill... it's about 1/4 or 1/3 of the pill... so it's somewhere between 1-2mg probably... and it usually knocks me out for a good 4 hours.  I usually only take it the night before I have to work and I need to force myself to sleep early so I can get up at 5am.  This past week, they haven't been working.  

Tuesday night, I had a pretty decent day.  I think I probably woke up at 4am... was pretty productive... I got home around 1130pm maybe... and I was SO exhausted... I felt like driving to the beach and falling asleep there... but I was too lazy and I figured it'd be too cold so I thought to myself that maybe I'll go tomorrow.  And I also hoped that I could sleep through the night without a sleeping pill.  So I went to sleep.  Fell asleep pretty quickly around midnight.  Woke up at 2:30am...and again at 4am... starving, nauseous, dizzy... and so incredibly frustrated that I took 10mg of Ambien hoping I'd knock out for at least 8 hours... but no such luck.  I was woken up at 730am because plumbers had come to our house to fix a leak... found out they had to replace our entire hot water system... and I needed to evacuate my room because a LOT of pipes run through the back of my closet.  

I'm so tired, so nauseous, so hungry... so mentally, emotionally and physically stressed that I'm MISERABLE... I'm almost crying... but I drag myself out of bed and go to the room next door with the hopes that I'll be able to go back to sleep.  I climb into bed... and... I can't sleep.  THANK YOU to all my friends who bear with my early morning texting and who try so hard to be there for me when I need you... but eventually... I couldn't handle it anymore... I just had to break down and cry.  I didn't just cry little tiny tears... I was hyperventilating and almost convulsing... it was really really bad.  I was having a mental breakdown.  

I was crying and getting my pillowcase all snotty and gross... and I turned around to a fresh spot and asked myself... if I could be anywhere else... where would I want to be... and I decided that I wanted to be like Elijah and go to a mountain top and lay facedown before God and pray... pray for rain... in the middle of a drought.

And Elijah went up to the top of Mount Carmel. And he bowed himself down on the earth and put his face between his knees. ⁴³ And he said to his servant, “Go up now, look toward the sea.” And he went up and looked and said, “There is nothing.” And he said, “Go again,” seven times. ⁴⁴ And at the seventh time he said, “Behold, a little cloud like a man's hand is rising from the sea.” 1 Kings 18.  

I get up and go to my room... and my mouth drops open... as I discover that the entire contents of my very large closet are piled in a 5-foot tall stack on my bed (oh my poor dry cleaning...) and whatever empty space was in the center of my room... was occupied by huge stacks of shoeboxes, piles of more clothing... my room was in utter chaos.  Not to mention, a plumber was in there... sawing holes in my closet... running copper pipes through there and soldering them together.  The scent of burning metal stung my nostrils.  I felt my heart and soul being gutted... and my "home" quite literally gutted as my closet (the heart and soul of my belongings) was being worked on during this renovation.  

At this point... with all the smells, the banging and clanging... strangers with big dusty shoes stomping all over my house... I needed to get out.  Escaping to the mountain top seemed more and more a necessity and not a luxury.  Mind you, I'm having a mental breakdown... and I'm also kind of lazy... so I didn't exactly want to drive to a mountain and lay facedown... how dirty... and far... and it might not be safe for me to drive in my mental state... so I decided that I'd just grab my yoga mat, a box of tissues, and a bunch of books and stuff... go to the park down the street... find a little tiny hill... and lay facedown before God there.  In the shade.  So I did.  

I ate something real quick... I grabbed all my stuff, threw it into a bag, and started walking to the park.  I get there... I lay out my yoga mat on the grass... and I put myself in child's pose... and I laid there.  I was SO distraught... I had no words.  TIFF HAD NO WORDS.  I did have a song though.  Sovereign was playing over and over in my head... so I took out my pink headphones, stuck it in my pink iphone, and played Sovereign on single song repeat for... what felt like an hour.  Maybe it was shorter.  I'm not sure.  It felt like a long time.  And I proceeded to cry again.  I cried the hard cry of a desperate soul... seeking God... and I was semi-convulsing in the park. Hopefully alone but at that point I didn't care who saw my crazy.  I was having a really, really so-honest-its-ugly... vulnerable moment before my God.  At Starshine Park.  

Sovereign, Chris Tomlin 

Sovereign in the mountain airSovereign on the ocean floorWith me in the calmWith me in the storm 

Sovereign in my greatest joySovereign in my deepest cryWith me in the darkWith me at the dawn 

In your everlasting armsAll the pieces of my lifeFrom beginning to the endI can trust you 

In your never failing loveYou work everything for goodGod whatever comes my wayI will trust you 

All my hopesAll I needHeld in your hands 

All my lifeAll of meHeld in your hands 

All my fearsAll my dreamsHeld in your hands 

In your everlasting armsAll the pieces of my lifeFrom beginning to the endI can trust you 

In your never failing loveYou work everything for goodGod whatever comes my wayI will trust you

After a really long time of being facedown and listening to the same song on repeat... I decided it was time to turn around and be face-up before God.  So I turned around and laid there again.  Hands on my stomach... feeling my aorta pulsate...being still... and watching the leaves shiver in the slight breeze of a perfect March afternoon.  After what felt like another hour... I decided I was ready to read.  

Today, only questions surround your great sorrow, but then you will see how the threatening enemy was actually swept away during your stormy night of fear and grief. 

Today you see only your loss, but then you will see how God used it to break the evil chains that had begun to restrain you. 

Today you cower at the howling wind and the roaring thunder, but then you will see how they beat back the waves of destruction and opened your way to the peaceful Land of
Promise. -Mark Guy Pearse

I felt really blessed and ministered to in that moment.  So thankful for Chris Tomlin... for L.B. Cowman... for my friends who love me despite my craziness and drama...  so I decided to share with a few people and ask for prayer. Yay for smartphones and being able to email while face-up on a yoga mat at the park! And extra yay that some people responded right away with encouragement and prayer.  SO miraculous.  Such a blessing!

And maybe it was a little bit backwards but I decided I wasn't done reading... I also needed to get in the Word... so I proceeded to read the assigned Bible reading for that day... Mark 10.  

At the end of Mark 10, Jesus asked the blind man, "what can I do for you?" and as I read that... I felt Him asking me as well... "Tiff... my child... what can I do for you?"  

So like a spoiled brat on the knee of Santa... I decided to journal and write down a list of stuff I wanted.  Big things and small things... I came up with a list of about 12 items that I'd ask God for if He asked me right then and there... what can I do for you...  and after I was done with my list... I decided that I was being excessive.  I know Jesus has infinite time for me but if He stopped me on the side of the road and asked me, "what can I do for you?"... I'd probably want to simply present Him with the single most important request and have Him smile and say, "go your way, your faith has made you well."  Just one, Tiff.  Just pick one... for now.

I scanned the list... all those things are important to me in some way, shape or form.  None of them are inherently bad... some are kind of vain... like losing 10 pounds or being able to do a pull-up on my own from a dead-hang... but my eyes fixed on the single most important item... I want to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.  And I felt Him wash me through and through with the peace that only He can bring... the kind that surpasses understanding... and I heard Him say to me, "go your way, your faith has made you well."

I had been fighting hunger and the urge to pee at that point so when God said I was good to go... I decided to go home... to eat and pee.  Not necessarily simultaneously... but yeah.  I walked home and I allowed myself to take in all the beauty of spring... the purple flowers in bloom... tiny white daisy-looking flowers scattered on the grassy expanse... the dried dog poop on the sidewalk (ew)...  but I felt better.  I felt sustained.  Still physically tired but sustained... only just barely though.  

I can't really remember what I did after I got home and ate something.  I might have chatted with my friends again... guessed people's personality types... I've been kind of interested in pondering people's personality types and what motivates them... what drives them... what makes them feel happy... so that was fun.  And then it was time to drive to small groups... I was going to go half an hour early to pray with my small group leader.  It should take me less than 15 minutes and there was no traffic but as I was driving there, I felt myself falling asleep at the wheel.  I was able to make it there but I decided that I would just pray with her and go home if I felt too sleepy.  So I arrived... safely... and we prayed.  It was a really nice time.  I felt so, so blessed.  I somehow didn't feel as tired.

When we were done praying, we came out and more people had arrived.  Something about seeing other people and their smiling faces... I got bursts and bursts of energy and smiles and I forgot about being tired.  I laughed.  I ate.  I laughed again.  I got and gave hugs.  I really, really love this group of beautiful people.  I made it through the night and then I decided to go to the gym and shower... because the plumbers had shut off our hot water and it would remain shut off for a couple of days.  I stood there in the shower at the gym and reflected on the day.  Such an awesome, awesome day.  I also felt really blessed to be able to shower at the gym.  I know it's still wasting water but I don't feel as bad standing under hot running water at the gym as I would if I did it at home.  I hope they recycle that water somehow.  

That night, I still woke up at 2am and again at 7am... but I woke up and didn't feel nauseous or miserable... I woke up feeling happy that I woke up one less time than the previous night.  I felt better and lighter as well.  I'm hoping that tonight will be even better.  Maybe I'll even sleep through the night.  One can only hope.  

I've had two really special and amazing days since being gutted on Wednesday.  I am surrounded by the BEST FRIENDS EVER.  I don't even know how I'm surrounded by so many amazingly wonderful people.  God is very, very good.  

So sometimes I have extra time and I'll choose to go spend time with others... or sometimes I'll choose to save that time for myself.  I got a chance to do both today.  There was no traffic so I arrived at the meeting place 20 minutes early... and decided to run an errand and buy some bananas.  And I found the most amazing bananas with the funniest stickers on them.  They made me happy and I wanted to share that feeling with my lovely friends.  So I did.  Thank God again for smartphones.

I also had a little bit of time after lunch... so I went to visit my friend at work.  It's always so encouraging to see everyone at work... and how much they want me to come back.  So, so sweet.  And then after that, I had a little time before meeting up with my next friend so I decided to sit and spend that time alone at a cafe.  So I did.  I figured I could study... or I could spend time with God.  I should always spend time with God first.  So I did.  :)  It was a REALLY good time.  I read through Isaiah 58:1-14... about fasting.  

So I've been fasting for Lent. I've been fasting for a purpose.  It was a simple one... to know God in a new and different way.  And I think He is totally delivering.  

From Isaiah 58... God doesn't want the kind of fasting that makes people fight or makes them irritable... this is the kind of fasting He wants... which didn't really sound like fasting to me... it sounded like service and obedience... 

• free the wrongly imprisoned
• lighten the burdens of those who work for you
• let the oppressed go free
• remove the chains that bind people
• share food with the hungry
• give shelter to the homeless
• give clothes to those who need them
• do not hide from relatives who need your help

And He promises these if we fast in this way:

• that my salvation will come like the dawn
• my wounds will quickly heal
• godliness will lead me forward
• the glory of God will protect me from behind
• when I call, He will answer "Yes, I am here"
• He will reply quickly
• He will remove the heavy yoke of oppression
• My light will shine out from the darkness and the darkness around me will be bright as noon
• the Lord will guide me continually
• give me water when I'm dry
• restore my strength
• that I will be like a well-watered garden... like an ever-flowing spring
• I will rebuild the deserted ruins of my cities
• I will be known as a rebuilder of walls and a restorer of homes
• The Lord will be my delight
• He will give me great honor
• He will satisfy me with the inheritance He promised to my ancestor Jacob

And He ended the whole thing with, "I, the LORD, have spoken!"

If God said it, it's as good as done.  

I had such a wonderful time with my friend.  And an even more wonderful time on the drive home... getting good news... being excited and screaming in the car from excitement for my friend and her good news.  All in all... a very, very good day.  

I came home and read this and I thought that it was super encouraging again.  

Christ is building His kingdom with the broken things of earth. People desire only the strong, successful, victorious, and unbroken things in life to build their kingdoms, but God is the God of the unsuccessful—the God of those who have failed. Heaven is being filled with earth’s broken lives, and there is no “bruised reed” (Isa. 42:3) that Christ cannot take and restore to a glorious place of blessing and beauty. He can take a life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it a harp whose music will be total praise. He can lift earth’s saddest failure up to heaven’s glory. -J. R. Miller

In my brokenness... and in my failure to cope with my external stressors... God took that situation... He took my bruised reed and restored it to a place of blessing, beauty, and great joy.

A very good week, my friends.  Most excellent.
much much love,
Tiff

crazy mixed up bag of nuts

This has been a pretty rough but also pretty amazing lenten season for me.  This post is going to be long and ranty.  I need to flesh out some thoughts and I have no idea what I'm going to write so I'm just going to start and see what comes out.  

The past two days I've woken up on my own between 540-6am.  This is highly unusual.  I normally need at least 8 hours and I did NOT get my 8 before waking up.  I was puzzled as to why I was awoken... but then I figured that God really wanted to hang out with me so I tried as hard as I could to hang out with Him too.  I've been searching for the reason God wanted me to Himself and I'm still not sure... but I had an inkling and that meant that I had to write it out in order to see if I could figure it out.  

One of my New Year's resolutions was to start journaling again.  I've been doing pretty well.  Still sticking to it.  One benefit of it is that I can very easily go back and re-read my journals/blogs.  I didn't journal on paper for pretty much all of 2012.  My last paper journal entries were dated 2011.  During my morning time with God, I figured I'd go back and see what I was thinking about in 2012... 2011... 2010...  I really enjoy going back and reading my old journal entries.  I love everything I've written.  It's almost like cleaning out my closet and pretending I'm shopping in there.  I love everything I pull out of my own closet... everything fits... and it's all "free"... it's like I had my own personal stylist... except... I know it's me and I'm just rediscovering the jewels I've already discovered... but I like to pretend it's a game and then it becomes the best shopping game ever!   Anyway... it feels the same when I go back and reread the things I've written... like someone collected all the thoughts that would totally be meaningful for me... and put them all in one place.  I know it's retarded because I wrote them down for myself because I thought they were awesome but it's fun to rediscover my discoveries.  I found this in one of my blog entries.  

For the hearts that will cease focusing on themselves, there is "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding" (Phil. 4:7); "quietness and trust" (Isa. 30:15), which is the source of all strength; a "great peace" that will never "make them stumble" (Ps. 119:165); and a deep rest, which the world can never give nor take away. Deep within the center of the soul is a chamber of peace where God lives and where, if we enter it and quiet all the other sounds, we can hear His "gentle whisper" (1 Kings 19:12). Even in the fastest wheel that is turning, if you look at the center, where the axle is found, there is no movement at all. And even in the busiest life, there is a place where we may dwell alone with God in eternal stillness. - Streams in the Desert, Nov 24

Perfect Peace.  I've been lacking perfect peace lately and I think God wanted to have more dates with me so He could get me there.  

It was rainy today. On and off rainy.  As I was driving, I'd pass under a shady, cloudy area and get rained on... and then I'd keep driving and suddenly the clouds changed shape and color... they were white and fluffy... and rays of sunshine were piercing through the bright blue open spaces.  This is how I've felt for the past couple weeks.  Rainy, then sunny, then rainy, then sunny.  Really emotionally unstable... really volatile... major poopyness but then also major happiness punctuating my days as well.  I've been having a hard time dealing with my emotions and how I was feeling.  

Coping mechanisms... I have so many... depending on what kind of "version" I am that day.  I think I've spent most my life as an introvert.  Now I'm not quite sure.  My friend calls it extro-converted.  I am both.  I need my alone time... I need time with my friends.  I recharge when I'm alone... I also recharge when I'm with friends.  

Look at this list and tell me what you think I am.  I think I'm leaning towards extroversion a lot of the time but I do still have a lot of introverted tendencies.  It really depends where I am, who I'm with... oh and if I'm hungry then forget it... I can't function when I'm hungry. Beef.  Beef almost always makes things better.  How can I figure myself out and figure out what I need when I'm such a mixed up bag of nuts?!?  (if ur nice, you won't answer that question and I'm pretty sure you're all nice... so... yeah...).  

Triggers... they've been really varied and really surprising.  Some things you'd think would bother me... don't.  And then some things that shouldn't bother me... totally do.  The worst is when I'm unaware of the landmines and someone inadvertently steps on one.  The other day... someone was talking to me and laughing and she touched the bare skin on my arm and I jumped.  It wasn't really sudden.  She did it naturally and in a friendly way.  I don't have an irrational fear of being touched.  I usually enjoy being touched (in a non-creeper way) and I actually tend to touch people when I talk too but for some reason... when that person touched me, I felt myself reflexively pull back and then I tried to shift a little in the same direction I jumped so it wouldn't look like I was afraid of her touch.  It was some kind of weird landmine.  I don't think it happens all the time either.  It took me by surprise.  And a lot of the stuff I've been encountering lately has also taken me by surprise.  I can't say I reacted very well to some of the landmines blowing up either.  

All in all... I've had to do a lot of self-soothing... self-coaching.  It's during these times that I wish that Anderson were still around.  He always knew what to say to make me feel better... even if he was the one who made me mad in the first place.  In his absence, I've had to figure out how to help myself... and I think that God has also raised up a whole bunch of my friends to bear my emotional burden for/with me as well.  Even though I don't have just one person who knows everything... I have a whole lot of really really great friends who help fill the gap that Anderson left.  First and foremost, God always meets me where I'm at... but He also sends friends to remind me of His love for me... and I hold them very near and dear to my heart.  

I delight in my friends.  I delight in making new ones.  Every new connection with a new person is such a huge blessing to me.  It's as if my heart keeps expanding to keep all these friend-treasures in my heart... and the more friends I have... the more my capacity to love grows.  It's pretty much a miracle.  I'm a friend hoarder and somehow I keep finding places to put them... like Hermione's bottomless handbag.  I realize that some friends are only meant to be in our lives for a season and that's OK.  I still keep you near and dear.  I will always write back if you email me and I will almost always text or message back as well.  If you want to meet up, just try and set a date.  It might take a while depending on how busy I am but if you're patient, I WILL make the time to hang with you.  If I didn't respond, there is the possibility that I might not have gotten your message so please just send another one. I try very very hard to always respond... even if it's just a snippet in passing.  I had a thought today... that I have the MOST AMAZING collection of friends.  I don't know how it's possible to have so many amazing people surrounding me at all times.  I am very, very blessed.  You guys are all-star status.  Much much love.  

Objectively, I should have had an awesome day today.  I got a facial, I did some laundry, dropped off dry cleaning, went to the chiropractor, got a grand total of two hours of massages... and I laughed a lot.  I totally asked God to do something "out of the ordinary" today and He totally delivered.  I hung out with my mom and my mom's friend... we went on visitations... and I got a super cute fobby pillow neckrest with a super cute stuffed turtle on it.  It's in my car.  It's so fobulous but I love it.  A lady at the restaurant said that I was... something something in Chinese.  I didn't know what she was saying... but I found out later... (with the help of google translator) that she said that I was delicate, elegant, refined.  That is a major compliment from a perfect stranger... a middle-aged Asian woman... when I had humidity frizz in my hair, had just got a facial and I have extraction marks on my face and I had just finished ravenously devouring an entire bowl of beef noodle soup in 10 minutes because I was so GOSH DARN HUNGRY.  I didn't feel very delicate or refined at the moment... which made it all the more meaningful.  Kinda like someone telling me "I'm pretty" just randomly.  I was having an awesome day... and then something happened which totally robbed me of my joy and robbed me of my peace.  It was really small and stupid but it was a total landmine which someone inadvertently exploded and it pretty much pushed me over the edge.  I couldn't hold it together anymore... I couldn't self-soothe.  All I wanted to do was crawl into a safe place... my "spot" on Anderson's chest... and cry.  Cry and cry and cry until I couldn't cry anymore and just tell him that someone said something stupid to me and I don't want to be upset but I am upset... my feelings are hurt and I'm being irrational and emotional and blowing things way out of proportion... and just have him hug me and tell me I'm pretty (always works... sometimes he'd just say it randomly just cuz he knew I'd always love to hear it) and that he'll go beat up that stupid person for me even though I know he never would.   I'm allowed to be a girl sometimes.  I'm allowed to be weak.  Sometimes.  Always a good day when there's crying involved. 

I had a couple friends come alongside and encourage me through it.  I went from frustrated to angry to sad within a span of an hour or so.  I realized that right now was not a time exclusively for friends.  Right now was a time to be alone with God.  

To sit in silence... and listen for His whispers...  a couple whispers graced my heart-ears...

• whatever is good, whatever is noble... whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is of good report... think on these things...

• go on faith... not feelings...  choose truth... choose joy

I was also reminded of this passage I read a couple days ago... where it says that Jesus meant to pass by... but He stopped, calmed the storm, and ministered to His disciples.  

Jesus Walks on the Water - Mark 6⁴⁵ Immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. ⁴⁶ And after he had taken leave of them, he went up on the mountain to pray. ⁴⁷ And whenevening came, the boat was out on the sea, and he was alone on the land. ⁴⁸ And he saw that they were making headway painfully, for the wind was against them. And about the fourth watch of the night^[g] he came to them, walking on the sea. He meant to pass by them, ⁴⁹ but when they saw him walking on the sea they thought it was a ghost, and cried out, ⁵⁰ for they all saw him and were terrified. But immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” ⁵¹ And he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. And they were utterly astounded, ⁵² for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.

I also was reminded of this story.  

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? . . . I will yet praise him” (Ps. 43:5).Yes, praise Him even for His silence. Let me relate a beautiful old story of how one Christian dreamed she saw three other women in prayer. 

When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance. 

The woman having the dream said to herself,“How greatly He must love the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look.” 

She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, He Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her,“O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure. 

“The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do.Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service. 

“She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity,and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later. 

“My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes—that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external.” 

He “will do wonders never before done” (Ex. 34:10) if you will learn the mystery of His silence and praise Him every time He withdraws His gifts from you. Through this you will better know and love the Giver. selected.  Streams in the Desert.  February 9.

I know it's not exactly the same... but I felt like maybe Jesus meant to pass by me... that maybe I should have been like that third woman... but I freaked out... the storms began to rock me... and so instead of passing by... He came back to me... calmed the storm and ministered to me in my need and in my weakness.  Even when I should know better and BE better... He still sees my struggling heart and meets me where I'm at.  What an amazing, loving, tenderhearted God.  

I'm better now.  Choosing to ponder the amazingness of my friends... the truths that I know in my heart and in my mind to be true... grounding myself in the Word... and pressing on... 

Wow, I'm tired.  Maybe I'll sleep super early today.  Eh.  Doubt it.  Even if I try I probably won't end up falling asleep.  

Sorry I've been a little crazy lately.  And if you've been spared from crazy moody Tiff... consider it a blessing.  I'm in recovery.  

Thank you for always giving me second chances.  Thank you in advance for third, fourth, fifth...infinity chances... you're the best!

I choose not to be a crazy bag of nuts... I choose not to follow my feelings... I choose to believe in God... God's truths... and in the goodness of it all.  

Actually... I just thought of this.  Last Sunday, the speaker asked us to make a list of our idols.  Here's what I came up with:

• Friends
• Myself
• Pride
• Food
• Relationships
• Vanity
• Idleness

I think God's going down the line and testing me.  Rough stuff but meant for good.  I wrote this to a friend the other day and I think I need to remind myself of it again right now:

And praying a prayer of humility... Is as scary as praying the prayer of obedience... "Here I am, send me". It's weighty and you'd better count the cost... But if you consider that everything in this world is but a foggy image... A small gust of wind against eternity... You're asking for great riches in heaven with very little personal cost.  It's scary if you focus on the pain.  God wants us to consider the surpassing greatness of the eternal ramifications... Eternal treasures where moth and dust do not destroy... And which can never be taken away.  You stop working out... You lose muscle... But it's not the same for the eternal treasures.  It's a brave prayer.  Most people would tell me "be careful what you ask for" but I know exactly what I'm asking for.  I'm asking for God to sanctify me, purify me, bring me into closer and deeper fellowship with Him... And if He has to burn away some of the fat or sin to get me there... Then WHY the heck not?!?!  We all have to realize our own limitations and utter failure as human beings before we begin to trust God and let go of the facade of control.  It's far better if we recognize it in theory... Then God won't have to remind us of our failures in real life.  

K.  I think I'm done now.  Thanks for listening/reading if you got this far.  :)

love,
Tiff