Manna

I'm feeling very thankful today.

First of all, I think I'm most thankful that my clinical dissertation evidence-based whatcha-ma-call-it project data collection period is almost done.  Did you know that my heart could leap for joy at the sight of a completed post-survey envelope?  I had no idea.  But now I know.  And now I might just take a survey a little more seriously because it might make someone else's heart leap for joy.

Mostly... I think I'm feeling very thankful because today I spent some time counting all the ways in which this part of my life has been more blessed than the first part.

Job 42:1Then Job answered the Lord and said:

2“I know that you can do all things,

and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

3 ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’

Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,

things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.

4‘Hear, and I will speak;

I will question you, and you make it known to me.’

5I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,

but now my eye sees you;

6therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” 

12And the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning. And he had 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 yoke of oxen, and 1,000 female donkeys. 13He had also seven sons and three daughters. 

I can't remember the last time I was as stressed as I have been this past month.  I have had some stress in my life... but this kind of stress was an entirely different kind.  I was exhausted.  I had chest pains.  I had neck pains and back pains and knots in my muscles that I'm still trying to work out.  I lost my appetite at some point... and if anyone knows me they know how much I love food.  To have stress-induced anorexia... things must have been pretty bad.  

Maybe I burned out.  Someone at work told me that I was burning my candle from four different ends if that was even possible.  

On July 15th, I started doing a big part of my data collection process... in surveying patients and families.  I had a lot of help from my interns.  I think what I needed more than anything was moral support. The actual work of data collection was kinda hard but what I was fighting more than anything was my emotions, my fears, my insecurities... emotional and mental fatigue... which then turned into physical fatigue... and every day there was a new struggle... and also new grace to get me through it.  

Manna for the day

I'll spare you the boring details of each day of data collection but in essence it was an emotional roller coaster for me. Every day brought with it a new struggle and a new problem to be worked out.  I had a big-picture plan but in the implementation of any plan... there are unexpected problems and issues that come up and I was hoping that I would be able to take them and handle them in stride... but also afraid that any little thing would push me over the edge and turn me into a psychotic-data-collecting monster... but I think I did OK.  Ask the interns.  I don't think I got too scary.  Or even scary at all.  Maybe glimpses but never full-on scary.  And seriously... some mornings I'd wake up and DRAG myself to the hospital thinking that maybe it would just be easier to quit nursing and just sit somewhere and knit flowers for the rest of my life... and God would provide me with a favorite, friendly co-worker who would smile at me, ask me how I'm doing today... give me a big hug and it would give me JUST ENOUGH strength and JUST ENOUGH goodness to carry on.  

There was one night when my director and I decided that we needed to collect more data... and I ended up forgetting to eat dinner... and I got an extra surge of energy to just DO IT... and then I had my interns messaging me through the night to encourage me... favorite co-workers to chit chat with and give me high fives in between surveys... and even the sweetest patients EVER who told me wonderful things like, "OF COURSE we'll help you become a doctor nurse!  Just tell us what we need to do" or "I hope you get an A in your class" or "can you be my doctor when you're done?".  Is it not a wondrous act of grace that God provided me with so much loveliness and so much support from people who don't even know me and who maybe will meet me for minutes of their life... and how amazing that their words could mean so much to me?  I ended up leaving the hospital at 10:30pm that night... but I also ended up feeling encouraged and hopeful... that I could possibly keep this up... for a few more days.  

I probably survived those long days fueled mostly by bananas and handi-snacks cheese crackers.  And maybe a fruit leather here and there.  My interns brought me a naked juice smoothie too.  So sweet.  Literally.  I think there's like 50 grams of sugar in that thing.  

By day 6 or 7 of data collection... I was pretty much burnt out.  I started to have thoughts which... disturbed me... but maybe... I could liken them to Job asking God WHY did all this happen to me... maybe it woulda been better if I'd never been born... no one loves me... no one cares about me... yada yada yada... I was being sort of a drama queen but I think I'd hit the end of my rope and I couldn't take much more.  Any minute now... something would push me over the edge... I was just waiting for it to happen.  


But it never did.  

In fact... starting from Sunday... I had a series of amazing days where people began to remind me how wrong I truly was... and how stupid it was for me to question the God who can do all things... I uttered things I knew nothing about... things too wonderful for me to understand... and then I felt like Job did and despised myself and repented with dust and ashes.  

I've noticed lately that God's been giving me a lot of lessons on forgiveness lately.  The most powerful one was last week and it's stuck with me daily since then.

I was listening on the radio and the speaker was talking about Jesus' crucifixion... he went through the whip of 9-tails... basically it's a whip with many tails and on the ends of the tails are pieces of rock or glass or metal... that when they whipped someone... those pieces would tear away at the person's flesh... exposing muscle and likely exposing ribs and other bones as well.  Jesus was not only whipped... he was put on trial multiple times that night... people mocked him, spat on him... cursed him... and yet he said nothing.  Or he said very little actually... but mostly nothing.  It was an excruciatingly painful journey to Golgotha... where He was subjected to even more excruciating pain as His hands and feet were nailed to the cross... and then even more excruciating pain as he slowly suffocated to death as He hung there.  But while He was on the cross... suffocating... He did speak.  And one of the things He said was... "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do".

I cried.  Such true words.  The people who crucified Jesus... they had no idea what they were doing... He has a bigger, grander purpose in what He was doing and at one WORD from Him... legions of angels could have come to His aid... but He chose to stay there... humbled, tortured... as He intentionally and purposefully chose to obey the Father's will... to take on the sins of the world... and make it possible for us to be in intimate fellowship with Him... out of His great love for us.  I was ashamed.  Every single sin I've ever committed in my life... contributed to His torture... big things and small things... acts that I had no idea would have such grave consequences... all of that... made His sacrifice necessary... and yet He could lovingly pray, "Father, forgive Tiff... she didn't know what she was doing"... so therefore... I need to follow in His example because nothing anyone has ever done to me could come close to matching what I did to Jesus... and also because He prayed that prayer for me... so I need to pray that prayer for others... out of love for them.

It's a good thing to be reminded of the heinousness of my own sinfulness.  It's also apparently a good thing to count your sheep, camels and donkeys because they represent your wealth?!?  So I'll count my blessings with you too.  More for me and my record-keeping tho.

On Sunday... I went bowling with my church and our team won... by one point.  To me... the fact that it was by such a narrow margin reminds me that it really wasn't anything I did in a major way that contributed to it... it was trying hard on every single frame to do my best... and then by God's grace... eeking by.  But bowling with my church reminded me also... how blessed I am to be a part of this church body... to finally belong... at least for now.

On Monday, I had lunch with a good friend from nursing school.  It was one of those semi-spontaneous things when we randomly texted one another and decided to have lunch.  It was such a blessing to have friends like her who I can go for months without seeing... and then to come together and enjoy one another... to pick up right where we left off as if no time had ever passed.  And then we went to get dole whips.  :D

I took my interns bowling that afternoon as well.  They make me laugh so much.  I'm so blessed to have met them.  They say I'm the funnest grown-up ever and that they hope they can relate to high schoolers as well as I do when they're in their 30's.  LOL.  Aye.  LOL.  But seriously... such good kids... it's hard not to love them.

And then had dinner with another friend who somehow... just by being who she is... ends up blessing me in ways that I know only God could know how to do.  That was Monday.

Bonus Time

The rest of the week was more hanging out... some studying... but mostly... bonus time.  So I have this thing that I tell myself... whenever my original plans somehow fall through... whether it be getting cancelled from work... or having a friend reschedule on me... and I find myself having extra time for myself... I call it bonus time.  Sometimes I get to spend bonus time running errands or smiling at the sun... but sometimes bonus time means that God wants me all to Himself and He orchestrated that time for the two of us to be together.  And I cherish my times with God when it's like that.  I do spend time with God daily already... but bonus time is extra.  Bonus time is special and usually there's something lovely He wants to show me during those times.  I had a lot of bonus time this week and a lot of time to count blessings.

Tears of gratitude

I had been collecting blessings and memories the entire week... but Friday morning... I had Dim Sum with my two mentors and everything came together with such clarity when I was with them.  I hadn't woken up feeling the greatest.  A few days prior, I'd stayed up until past 4am because I couldn't sleep... mostly tormented by thoughts... agonizing over decisions... and also probably due to the caffeine I put in my muffins... but I've been recovering from the awful sleepless night since then.  I probably should be sleeping right now but I had a nap in the afternoon so now I'm not tired.  Anyway... I woke up feeling kinda gross.  I got dressed, put on some sandals... and then opened the door to leave the house and realized that it had been raining and I was totally dressed inappropriately.  It made me think about how I couldn't prepare for today based on what I knew from yesterday.  Everyday is a new day and I definitely should have looked out the window first before dressing myself.

We met at the same Dim Sum restaurant where I asked them to mentor me years ago.  I can't even remember how many years it's been... but definitely more than 2 years.  A series of sermons had challenged me to find women who exemplify characteristics that I want to see grown in myself... I wanted to grow in passionate love for God, passionate love for God's Word, and passionate love for God's people... and at the time, I had no mentors so I prayed to God for one.  I decided to ask two women just in case one of them didn't want to... but both of them... without hesitation... agreed to mentor and disciple me.  They answered my prayer back then... and they encouraged me now... in this moment when I needed it the most.  I was encouraged by the fact that they reminded me how God grants me the desires of my heart and also through their words.

I sat between them... and there was a moment when I was crying and each of them had a hand on my shoulder...where I felt their hearts coming alongside mine... empathizing but also... speaking truth and power into my life.  I told them what I was struggling with and immediately... they seemed to know exactly what to say... exactly what I needed to hear.  I don't know if it will mean as much to you if I don't share exactly what I'm struggling with but... they reminded me that God has chosen me and purposed me for great things.  Throughout my entire life... I've been placed in a position where I must create my own way for myself and this path is unlike any that my friends have had to take... that I lead a life of "firsts".  I was first of my friends to be widowed.  In the church that I grew up in... I was in the first children's ministry, the first Jr. Hi ministry... the first college ministry... I was there when we developed our contemporary service... and also my post-college women's small group.  There was no place for someone like me... so I had to create a place for myself... and my spearheading led the way for others to come after me.  Even in my cohort... I was the first to get my study approved by IRB... and I am the first to implement.

They reminded me that God has gifted me uniquely... with the skills and resources... and also with the wisdom I need to go and make my own way... and that it has been and will probably continue to be a lonely process.  There's a large part of me that yearns to follow... but I somehow keep finding myself in positions to lead.  It is not something that I really want for myself... but it pushes me and it grows me and I think it is training me for something even bigger for the future... whatever my future may hold.

As I was sitting there... with salty liquids oozing out of my eyes and nose... with loving hands on both my shoulders... I realized that I am so incredibly blessed.  I asked God for one mentor and He gave me two.  As impossible as it is to find a best friend at my age... I asked God for one and God gave me two.  I asked God to grow me in new and different ways and He brought me to a church and to a life group which does push me to grow in new and different ways.  I must have asked God for a career some time ago... and He brought me to nursing.  I know I have asked God for a husband and while I had one and had him taken away from me... I figure I can always ask again... and the God who never fails to provide me with everything I need and with every desire of my heart... will answer.  If I don't have it now... it means that it is better for me to be without it for the moment.  It is necessary for the work He is doing in me and through me.

My mentors and I talked about our life situations... we shared about the things that frustrate us... and we agreed that we are still in these situations because it is necessary for us to be.  We lose our patience because it has not fully matured in us and we still need more training.  What are we training for?  We don't exactly know... but we do know that whatever God is training us for... that we were meant for great things.

And then they asked me... what could they do to mentor me better?  What could they do to help me through this stage in my life?  Those questions... amazed me.  What can they do?  What else is there to do after what they have already done?  The way they live their lives... mentor their children... minister to their family and friends... and ways in which they share with me... is enough.  The verses that God brings to mind... the books they've read and the insights they've gained... they share with me.  They stop and encourage me with the patterns they see as I invite them to speak into my life... and they give me hope to carry on.  Even though God may be putting me in a position to pave my own way... they are like... voices calling out to me in the darkness... directing me and guiding me... and even though we can't meet more than a few times a year... it is enough... more than enough.  Who could ask for more?  Who could have known that I needed them right NOW to say what they said and to do what they did... and did I even know those many years ago that what we started that day would continue to become something that blesses us years later?  God knew and God provided for me back then... for the moments He knew I'd need right now.  He does the impossible!  But He can.  He knows everything and in His deep and intimate love... He works everything out for our good.

Job said that he knew that God can do all things and none of His purposes could be thwarted.  Friday's devotional reminded me that "nothing—no matter how improbable, no matter how impossible it is to see, no matter how much it goes against everything we know—nothing is too hard for the Lord. (Genesis 18:14)".   And also... "with God, just like that, everything can change."

Just like that.  Isn't that exciting?  One day, I'm not even thinking about data collection, and then all of the sudden I have interns and there it is.  It's almost done now... and a month and a half ago, it was barely a thought in the back of my mind.  Who knows what amazing things God has in store for me... probably things too wonderful for me to fathom.  

There's still plenty of work to be done... but day by day... living on manna because I have no reserves... and virtually nothing else to live on as I'm journeying through my wilderness... God will get me through... and even when the time comes for the manna to stop falling from heaven... and I'm about to cross the Jordan and enter the promised land... I will still have to battle for the land which has been promised to me.  But I think that everything will be OK.  He has promised me victory.  That's pretty much all I need to know to go into battle.  Maybe I should learn how to use some more weapons before I battle... 

OMG it's so late.
Good night, friends.  
Love,
Tiff

For such a time as this...

So last month I wondered why God gave me such an amazingly awesome week... and I wondered what it was preparing me for... I think I have a little bit more insight as to why I needed that week... it was to prepare me for the month of July.  Just like a runner loads up on carbs before a marathon... I needed to load up on... spiritual and emotional carbs to prepare me for this month.

I've wanted to take the time to write earlier but I really hadn't been able to find the time.  I wake up every morning asking myself what do I NEED to do today?  What are my MUST DO priorities... and what can wait?  Even hour by hour... I've needed to make choices as to what is better and what is best and let go of the things that I really don't have time for... right now.  It's not to put these things off forever... just for a few more weeks.

I also wanted to write because it makes it a little bit harder for you to rejoice and celebrate with me after it's done if I didn't let you know what a struggle it was during.  The deeper the struggle, the bigger the victory.

Where do I even begin... I have no idea.  I'm just going to start writing and hope some sense comes out of it.

Yesterday's application question... "In your life right now, would your psalm to God be a hymn of praise, lament, or a song of thanksgiving? Write that psalm and share it with someone."

This is my psalm and I'm feeling so many different emotions that it's hard for me to separate into praises, laments, or thanksgivings.  I think it's all at once.  I've had a hard time putting a finger on what I'm feeling because it's all of them and it may be none of them.

So... why is this month particularly difficult for me?  This is the month that I do data collection for my evidence-based clinical project thingamabobber... It's so much easier to call it a clinical dissertation but that may or may not be totally accurate... but it is easier for me to remember than an evidence-based clinical change project or something along those lines.  It's a research project.  I had to look at my clinical setting, identify an area of interest or where there could be potential change, research what's been done in the area, choose an intervention, implement it, and then analyze my data and write it up.  Call it whatever you want.  It's a big deal and I've been preparing for this for years.  It's the culmination of my doctoral degree.  It's kind of a big deal, yo.

I realized the other day as I was printing an image for my education board... that my entire project was motivated by my experiences with Anderson.  When this picture came out of my printer... my jaw almost fell when it hit me that it really IS all because of him.

This one experience had a ripple effect which continues to impact the things I do and the choices I make today.  I've written so many papers on what it was like to experience healthcare from this point of view.  When they asked me to choose an area of research that I like and I'm interested in... it was really hard for me in the beginning... but I sat down and asked myself what about the entire experience impacted me the most... and it was how I was treated in the hospital... how the staff made me feel... and the ways in which the things they did or didn't do affected my perception of how good their care was.  So yeah.  That's what I wanted to research... patient and family-centered care.  And it was all because of Anderson.

I look at the way I live now and I'm basically going the extra mile by talking to every nurse I can individually on both day shift and night shift to tell them about my project.  I thought it'd be nice to give them individualized attention even though it isn't time efficient and it makes me come to the hospital sometimes at 3am or 10pm because I know that it's better for the nurses if I avoid the rush hours.  It reminds me of the ways in which Anderson and I differed when we invited people to our wedding.  We only had one day to let people know we were getting married.  We also only had one day to prepare for the wedding.  I evite-d my entire address book and posted a status update on my facebook wall.  "Come to my wedding at 3pm and here's the address".  Done in 5 minutes.  He spent the entire day calling each and every one of his friends in his phone address book.  Granted that was his way and probably between the two of us, we covered almost everybody but... it showed me the differences in how he and I approached things... the ways we approached our friends... and I now find myself trying much much harder to invest more personal time with my friends rather than always taking the easiest, most efficient method.

A few weeks ago, I was reading Esther and Esther 4:14b stuck out to me.  It was when Mordecai told Esther that "who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" Esther had a remarkable story.  She was chosen out of all the virgins in the kingdom of Persia to be the queen... after a series of kind of shady circumstances... but nevertheless... it is no small thing to be chosen to be the queen.  A definite Cinderella or rags-to-riches story.  It never mentions whether or not there was love involved... but regardless... it was a pretty special thing.  Miraculous even.  And in the moment, Esther probably had no idea why any of this had happened to her.  Maybe even Mordecai had no idea... but it was quite impeccable timing that she was there, in the palace, with the power to actually do something about the decree that would basically abolish the Israelites in Persia.  Mordecai said that if Esther didn't do anything about it, he was sure that God would raise someone else or bring about some other set of circumstances where they would be delivered but shame on her if she had it in her power to do something and didn't.  Who knows if this is why all of this has happened?

I asked myself "why has my life turned out the way it has?"... perhaps for such a time as this?  "why am I here, right now... doing my study... this month...?  Why am I at Newsong?  Why ME of all people?  I don't know.  But maybe for such a time as this.

I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and my friend from nursing school who very RARELY messages me, sent me a link to a video and said that the video reminded him of me.


I think that particular morning I was feeling really emotionally constipated and what I really needed to do was cry.  Watching the video definitely made me cry.  I felt a huge release after crying... and then I asked myself... why am I the one that's left here?  Why wasn't I the one who died?  Because... I suppose there is still much for me to do here.  For such a time as this.

I wasn't planning on implementing my study this month.  I had actually planned on implementing early next year... or after I was done with my clinical hours.  I still have maybe 300 hours left to complete in the hospital.  I planned on implementing after my hours were done and then giving myself an extra semester so that I would graduate in May 2014.  The way my course plan was laid out previously... I was supposed to graduate in December 2013 and walk in May.  I had decided that my sanity was worth the extra semester of tuition.  But I guess God had other plans.

About a month ago, we started to have summer volunteers at the hospital.  I probably wouldn't have noticed it if I weren't still working.  I also had made plans to quit work this year but for some reason I'm still working... and I'm also shadowing a few MD's at my hospital too... but anyway so I was talking with a friend at the hospital and I was wondering... whether or not it would be possible to have the volunteers help me with my data collection.  It was just a small thought.  And then within a few days, I got two different directors to approve the idea and then the ball started rolling.  According to my original theoretical plan, I would educate and talk to the nurses for two weekends prior to the study implementation week and then implement my study for a week straight and then do the post-surveying.  The moment that the directors gave me the green light to implement my study that month... was just enough time for me to implement according to plan before the volunteers were done with their summer program.  I was also able to obtain use for 4-5 of the volunteers for my research study as well.  Now it all sounds like the stars were aligning and doors were flying open... so I should have been really, really happy... and I was... except... I didn't feel ready.  It's one thing to theoretically say you're going to do something in a certain way... and it's quite another to actually do it.

Even though I'd been preparing for implementation for two years... I hadn't actually looked at any of my work since before January of this year.  At least six months had gone by and I felt like I'd already forgotten most of the details of my own study and my own research.  And now I'm supposed to implement in 3 weeks?  I really, really didn't feel ready... or adequate.  A HUGE part of me was whimpering inside...  "I don't wanna do my research study..."... "I really don't wanna do this..." but then I had to sit myself down and tell myself... "then why did you decide to go back and get your doctorate anyway? You did your literature review... you planned out your methods... you already had your survey done... why aren't you ready?!?" and I really couldn't answer my own questions.  I wasn't ready to grow up just yet.

The first Saturday of my RN implementation weekend... I was totally dragging my heels.  I woke up hours later than I had intended.  I was taking forever to get ready.  But I somehow had a thought... I wonder if my friend is working right now... so I decided to text her.  And what do you know... she was working that weekend.  Not only was she working, but she was willing to HELP ME.  And she was such a calming influence.  I really hadn't talked to her in maybe six months or more.  Who knows if I had made friends with her so many years ago... for such a time as this?  I needed someone to help me feel like I wasn't alone... who I trusted to listen to me and provide a logical response... and who cared enough to meet me where I was at... and practical enough to actually help me put things in order.  This friend was perfectly what I needed in that moment.  The perfect cheerleader for that moment when I transitioned from being a theoretical doctoral student to a REAL doctoral student.  God is so good.

For reals, I almost cried right before I approached the first RN to tell her about my study.  Almost.  I didn't cry.  I actually chose the one person on the unit that I felt most comfortable talking to and she was my first.  I don't even know what I would have done if I didn't decide to do my study on a unit where I had already worked.  I knew at least half or more of these nurses already... and even though I hadn't worked there in a few years... whenever I walk on the unit, I get smiles from many of these nurses.  Who knows if the kind of person I was a few years ago had impacted the way people respond to me right NOW?  After talking to the first person... it got easier and easier.  I talked to everyone on my intervention unit and then moved to the control unit.  I knew almost no one on the control unit, but thankfully my old manager from the intervention unit was willing to go up with me and introduce me.  Once I was introduced... it got a lot easier to talk to the other manager as well.  And then to talk to the nurses there because I'd already practiced on the ones that I already knew.  I think I got to this point kicking and screaming.  I don't know if anyone is ever ready to grow up.  It's whether or not you rise to the occasion when it comes time to step up and be a grown-up or if you sink down and go back to a place that's comfortable until you're ready to try again.  I think I did OK... so far.  The worst is yet to come.  Can't wait til Friday.

Hm.  It all sounds like everything worked out so perfectly now that I look back on it... but I remember being really nervous and freaking out a lot on the inside.  I was glad to have so much support though.  SO, SO thankful.  I thought back on my own research experience though... and I realized that this is NOT the first time I've done a research project.  My first research project was in undergrad... I had to make a poster presentation and a powerpoint and talk about my little project.  When I was doing my masters, I had a thesis... where I came up with my own study and had to research it as well... but all I did at that time was have a one page survey which added additional information to a pre-existing data-set... and because the data were collected from physical education classes, all I had to do was give stacks of my surveys to the professors and TA's and they collected my data for me.  I got back completed surveys and then was able to enter and analyze my data.  I had jobs as research assistants... where I helped someone else implement their study and it pretty much ate up my life when I was doing their study... but I didn't feel this same kind of stress.  This time I had to do everything myself for myself.  Maybe I'm just being dramatic but it felt like a huge milestone for me even though I recognized that God had taken me on many, many small, incremental steps to get me where I am right now.

I was washing my car the other day and I was thinking about how thankful I was that I had done so much work and so much planning in the previous two years... and even in the years prior to starting this round of grad school.  I thought about how important it was for me to prepare for the future... and how I am now reaping the benefits of years of hard work.  I may not have known back in undergrad that what I was doing in the research lab would have prepared me for the next step in my journey... and I may never have realized that getting my masters in public health would have prepared me for nursing and then in getting a doctorate in nursing.  I may never have realized how being widowed at 27 would have had such a big impact on my future... on my career... on my clinical dissertation... on any of what I'm going through right now... but it did.  All my past impacts my future... and that made me realize that everything I'm doing right now is also impacting my future as well.  The way I live presently is training me for... something... and I might not know what I'm training for... but I'm training for something bigger and better than whatever I'm doing right now.

My present is important.  How I live my life is important.  Life shouldn't be spent waiting around for the next big thing to happen because... if that next big thing happens and I haven't done my best to prepare for it right NOW... I might not be ready for it when it comes.  I'm not really sure what else I want for my future other than to travel more and probably be married again and maybe have a family... but in the meantime if that doesn't happen, then I should be cultivating new hopes and new dreams and laying the foundation for them right now.  I do want to teach... probably.  I do want to go on international missions trips as well.  I want to mentor more people and be mentored.  I want to learn how to do more things... scratch things off my bucket list.  But all these things... eh... they may happen or they may not happen... but something the speaker said today really encouraged me... "that the posture of my heart and the disposition of my attitude are more important than anything I do".  It really doesn't matter what I do... if my heart yearns to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and love my neighbor as myself... if my heart humbly seeks to please and glorify God in everything... and if I strive for excellence in every endeavor... I think I'll be adequately prepared for whatever else God wants for me.  Here's another quote from today's message... "living an extraordinary life means laying down our agenda and taking up His agenda... laying down our priorities and taking up His".  And then something a friend has reminded me repeatedly came to mind... A man's heart plans his way: but the LORD directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9.  

If I hadn't done so much legwork previously... if I hadn't submitted for IRB approval last year... if I hadn't submitted my second IRB at my hospital last summer... I wouldn't have been ready to implement on a moment's notice.  There must be some reason why God opened the door for me to implement right NOW so that I could be done with classes in December... probably defend in January... and then take boards around February... and then hopefully be licensed and ready to work soon after.  I'm not sure if this new timeline will pan out but so far, it's looking like it will.  I wonder why?  But maybe I'll find out when I get there... that all this happened... for such a time as this.

This is getting pretty darn long and I think it's kinda boring for anyone who isn't me... but this is probably more for my documentation than anything else so... I'm going to write as much as I want.  I want to write about today.  Today is Sunday... and tomorrow I start a big wave of my data collection.  Tomorrow is the first day of my study period and my research assistants and I will be collecting a huge portion of my research data.  I had been dreading this day for two weeks.  Only two weeks, I know, but things move fast in my life and two weeks is quite a long time for me actually.  I've also been SUPER tired lately.  Exhausted.  I pulled an all-nighter last weekend and then I had 8 hours of class for four days straight last week... and then I worked a 12-hr shift yesterday and then did more talking-to-RNs afterwards... so... today was the first day I could potentially sleep longer in many, many days.  I slept like almost 10 hours and it still didn't feel like enough.

I wrote to a few of my friends earlier in the week... or maybe it was a few days ago... I can't even remember... that it feels like I'm climbing a really steep mountain.  My legs are going.  One foot in front of the other.  My muscles are tired, but still moving.  My heart is pounding... but still going.  My head is throbbing but I'm still functional.  My lungs are screaming to stop and catch my breath but I have to keep pressing on... and I am.  For some reason or another... I'm still going.  I'm sustained for now.  I don't really understand how every piece of me is screaming to stop and yet I still keep going... and I also don't understand how I can be freaking out about the whole thing and yet also so peaceful about it.  Pieces of me are freaking out... and other pieces of me know that everything is going to be OK no matter what.  So I feel "ok" but "not ok" at the same time.

I woke up this morning and I thought about what I NEED to do today.  And I NEED to spend time with God today.  So I did.  I also REALLY want to go to church today but I was contemplating whether or not I should just skip it and get rest and work on stuff... but no... I decided that it was important for me to go and see people... even if I was dragging myself out of bed and taking forever to get ready.  I was like half an hour late for church today and I really hate walking in late but... better late than never.  And I'm really glad I went.

I sat by myself today during service... which isn't really something I like to do but I think it was necessary today.  The message gave me a lot to think about and I wanted to think about it without other people distracting me.  One thing I really appreciate about NOC (the church I go to now is Newsong North Orange County... but we call it NOC) is that I can have moments with God during service... and it doesn't feel weird.  I'm not sure if it's the atmosphere that NOC cultivates... or if I'm just in a place in my life where I CAN have moments in the middle of service and I can feel free to be who I am and do what I want to do even if it isn't what anyone else is doing... and just BE.  But anyway... I really appreciate my times of communing with God at NOC.  I am definitely where I need to be right now... and I haven't felt like this in any other church I've been at in the 25 years I've been a follower of Christ.

I came to service knowing that I wanted or needed something... but not really knowing what I needed exactly.  Prayer would be nice... but how often do people pray for you when you're not crying or breaking down or having a meltdown?  Unless today is a day when the prayer team is up there and you get to go ask for prayer from people who are prepared to give it.  Definitely no coincidence that today was a prayer day.  So I got prayed over today.  That was really nice.

Today was also the day of our church-wide picnic.  Part of me wanted to go but part of me didn't.  I wondered if I should just go home and lay down for an hour or so... and then go to the M&M half-time refresher (the mentorship program that I'm involved in)... but I decided to go to the picnic and I'm really glad that I did.  I might not have eaten much for lunch if I hadn't gone.  I also might not have gotten a chance to see some friends and to even talk to one in particular who has been SUCH a HUGE encouragement to me during this time of struggle.  Even though she's not a nurse and she's not in school right now... the ways in which she ministers to me and encourages me are EXACTLY what I needed in the moments I've needed it.  She always says that she didn't do anything... but all the little "nothings" she's done has meant so much to me.  And our friendship really started because I felt that God had burrowed a hole for her in my heart and wanted ME to minister to HER and help pull HER out her struggles... and now she's doing the same for me.  Who knows if God prompted me to be her friend in order for her to be MY friend for such a time as this?

During M&M halftime refresher... I was pondering on my mentorship relationship with my mentee and at what a blessing it has been.  I think that God has definitely done a great work in bringing the two of us together and I see in the ways we've interacted and all the progress we've made thus far... that it is special and unusual and definitely a beautiful thing.  It was an easy pairing and it is definitely easy to mentor my mentee.  How many people can say that?  It was definitely of God and from God.  He is VERY, VERY good.

Oh and during service... the speaker's wife came up to share with us her vision for our congregation... and it pretty much echoed what has been going on in my life and what's been going on in my heart lately.  It was about taking risks... about trusting in God's character and giving up something in my life to receive something greater.   I started my journey a few years ago... asking God to grow me in new and different ways... and I realized that in order to grow in new and different ways, I'll have to do things that I've never done before... to push myself and stretch myself... and also to let go of the things that hold me back... in order to have room in my hands to receive things which are greater.

This year, I've definitely done things I've never done before... and I recognize those things as God growing me in new and different ways.  It's scary to do things you've never done before... but if I am secure in my ultimate future... whatever outcomes happen on this earth... really can't be all that bad.  Just like I'm holding on for a little while longer... until after my data collection is done... I hold on in this life... just for a little while longer.  The pain, struggle and sacrifice are temporary in light of eternity.

So all in all... God has been preparing me my whole life for such a time as this.  The amazing thing is that right now, He's preparing me for my future stuff as well.  I can't even imagine.  But one day at a time... one survey at a time... one little something at a time and I'll get where I'm meant to go and be who I'm meant to be.

OK.  Too, too long.  Do you think this was overall a psalm of thanksgiving?  Maybe.  Congrats on getting this far.  Sorry so rambly!

much much love,
Tiff