I'm dying, guys. OK "dying"... but if I were actually on the brink of death, I think I'd probably blog it the same way. School is bleeding me slowly... and I think I'm starting to hit that low level where I'm gonna need a transfusion soon... or maybe I'm going to go into hibernate mode. As of right now, I think I'm on survival mode. Only the bare minimum of vital functions remain.
I think a couple blog entries ago ago, I wrote that God gave me some emotional/spiritual carb-loading prior to a marathon month... I think that the marathon is continuing and probably won't stop until I graduate... so I've got another four months to go. I am tired. I'm beyond tired. I'm so tired I hardly recognize myself anymore.
I used to wake up in the mornings and decide what kind of a flower I felt like that day. Oh to be back in those bubbly, bouncy days. Now... I wake up with songs stuck in my head... because the groanings of my body and my heart need to be expressed in words that are not my own... I hardly have words to say nowadays. Don't get me wrong. I'm still probably going to write a whopper of a blog entry. I've got two weeks full of stuff that's been swirling around in my head with no energy to write it down.
I haven't been able to understand why I've been so tired lately. I've wracked my brain for the past month or so... wondering why my "output" has been so low. Intellectually, I should be performing at a much higher level... getting things done... churning out assignments... studying harder, longer, faster... but I haven't been. I know I can do better than this... but I really... physically... cannot. So I decided that I needed more time to rest. So I rested... but didn't feel rested. I did everything I knew to do... and still... I feel gross. And then I read this the other day...
August 7
Understanding will never bring you Peace. That’s why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Me (your Master).
The wisest of all men, Solomon, could never think his way through to Peace. His vast understanding resulted in feelings of futility, rather than in fulfillment. Finally, he lost his way and succumbed to the will of his wives by worshiping idols.
My Peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some complicated maze. Actually, you are always enveloped in Peace, which is inherent in My Presence. As you look to Me, you gain awareness of this precious Peace.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
—Proverbs 3:5–6
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
—Romans 5:1
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.
—2 Thessalonians 3:16
I love it when the God reveals His Word to me in a new and different way. I KNOW not to lean on my own understanding... but that didn't stop me from trying to figure out why I was feeling the way I was. And then Jesus told me not to try to understand... just trust in Him. For the time being... I'm just accepting things as they are... and I let go of another burden that I have no energy to bear at the moment. That's good. One less thing.
Last month... a friend, very lightheartedly, challenged me to create a worship set. I laughed away the challenge at first... and then I thought about it a couple days later... and wondered... why not just try? Since I'm on a mission to do things I've never done before... why not this? So I thought about it. I thought some more. And I thought of 3 songs which represent the cycles God has brought me through repeatedly in my life... and those 3 songs became my very first worship set.
Song 1: Fall Afresh
Song 2: Blessed Be Your Name
Song 3: Be Thou My Vision
Some people have scent/taste memories... like that food critic in Ratatouille... when he ate... it took him back to his childhood. I have song memories. When I hear certain songs... it takes me back to specific moments in my life... significant moments... and it's the moments that I want to share with you through these songs.
Fall Afresh
There are times in my life when I'm spiritually low. When my heart and soul feel dry and empty... like a dark, concrete tunnel. The floor is hard... the walls are hard... it's cold. It's inhabitable. I don't like being in that place. It's sad and it's lonely. It's probably where I am right now. It's definitely time to sing/pray this song.
I first heard this song at Newsong NOC. They turn the lights off when we're singing in service... it's good meditating time. I remember being so powerfully moved by the lyrics of this song that I got images in my head... Star Trek images...
Awaken my soul, come awakeTo hunger, to seek, to thirst
Awaken first love, come awake
And do as You did at first
Spirit of the Living God come fall afresh on me
Come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul
Pour in me to overflow,
to overflow
Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
So... this is pretty geeky of me... but I dunno if any of you have ever seen Star Trek - the Wrath of Khan... and the explanation video of Project Genesis. Basically, there was a device that was able to terraform an inhabitable wasteland (like a moon) into a lush, green planet capable of sustaining life. It didn't quite work in the movie... but what I imagined as I was singing this song... was that I invited the Holy Spirit to come... to blow through the cavernous wastelands of my soul... that the Holy Spirit would breathe on me and the life-giving breath would terraform the caverns of my soul so that I would overflow with life... with fresh, clean water... with flowers... with light... instantaneously. That's what I think, what I see... how I feel when I sing this song. It echoes the cry of my heart... to hunger... to seek... to thirst... to feel passion and love and joy... that only the Holy Spirit can grant.
Blessed Be Your Name
We sang this song at my wedding. It was also one of the songs that was playing while we were waiting for Anderson to pass away after we took him off life support. And also at Anderson's memorial service. Out of those 3 memories... the strongest memory I get when I sing/hear this song... is of me sitting at the edge of his hospital bed... watching the time between his respirations grow further and further apart... until finally... there were no more breaths.
Job was the last book of the Bible that we read together. Whenever we'd go through a particularly rough time... we'd have sayings that we'd tell each other... things to encourage one another through the difficult moment... and one of them was, "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away... blessed be the name of the Lord".
So every time I sing, "He gives and takes away... my heart will choose to say... blessed be Your name..." I remember those times... when the Lord gave me my husband... my wedding... and then took away my marriage... my future with Anderson... and yet through it all... my heart chose and will continue to choose to say: blessed be Your name.
Side note: I was also listening to the radio a few days ago while I was driving... and the speaker was talking about 1 Corinthians 10:13... and I think I only started paying attention during this part, "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." He was talking about how sometimes random friends will get in touch with him and tell him that they're praying for him. Those are God's "ways of escape" which helps us endure through the temptation. I think that God also provides me with encouragements along the way... like little pit stops or water breaks as I'm running my marathon... just a little bit... but also just enough manna to get me through each day... just enough to carry on. It comes in different forms every day, but every day there is some little blessing... sometimes large blessing... which reminds me that He loves me and He sees me... He hears my heart's cry and even though I cannot be delivered yet... He is doing everything He can to get me through. He's sending many messengers to shine His glory into my life... to remind me what I live for... to remind me to love and that I am loved. So whether He gives or He takes... it is all out of His great love for me and for my own good.
Be Thou My Vision
When I was in the deepest depths of despair after being widowed... there were nights when I would either be overcome with grief to the point where I would cry out and convulse with my sobbing... or I would just lay there in bed... staring at the ceiling... inhaling... exhaling... and even though I made no audible sound... every exhale was a silent cry of anguish as my chest would collapse under the oppressive weight of grief and sorrow. One of the only things that would help would be to sing certain songs... so I started collecting songs in a playlist entitled, "songs to heal my heart".
Whenever I would sing these words, "Thou and Thou only, first in my heart, High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art"... I'd be washed with peace and very likely, I'd be able to sleep. This song reminds me of the greatest commandment of all... the #1 priority of my life. If I put the first things first... all the second, third, fourth things will fall into place. It's a re-centering song... that reminds me where to fix my eyes amidst all the chaos, uncertainty, and darkness of this world.
I don't know much as far as technical structure of a worship set... but there it is. My first one... patterned after the cycle of emptiness, the challenge which spurs me to grow, and clarity that comes afterwards. It's a small thing but it's something that I wanted to document.
BodyCombat
.jpg)
Since a couple of friends encouraged me to go to BodyCombat (an exercise class at the gym)... it's pretty much become the only class I truly enjoy going to... to the point where my friend and I have conversations on a weekly basis... on whether or not we can make it to this class at this gym on this day. I found this picture on the BodyCombat facebook page. It was fitting. I saved it. There are two things I wanted to write about in response to this picture. The first is an interaction with a friend I met just recently.
#1. From the very first moments I met this friend... it was quite obvious to me that she liked me a lot. I don't think I treated her any differently than I would have treated any other new person that I met but for some reason... the way I am and the way she is... and also the way we are together... is a very encouraging combination. Last week, I had lunch with her. Prior to that lunch... I was having kind of a horrible emotional day. I was dragging... I was sluggish... I kinda felt crabby and like I would *pinch* *pinch* anyone who crossed me the wrong way. It's times like that when I know I should keep my mouth shut and remain as silent as possible... lest daggers come flying out of my mouth and create a bloody mess wherever I go. I've been more silent lately for this reason. And it's been a miserable experience.
But in this case... I was blessed to be silent and to listen. I spent most of the lunch time listening to my friend share her story. The longer I listened, the more my crabbiness melted away to deep, deep compassion for my sister in Christ. She smiled as she told her story, but I know that underneath that smile... there were years of tears and heartache... grief and loss... frustration and anger... the things she didn't say but I know she struggled through... and my heart broke for her. And as if melting my crabbiness away weren't enough of a gift... she proceeded to tell me that meeting me was an answer to prayer. She told me how much her heart longed to meet someone like me... someone who has walked the path before her... and who was willing to lead her and show her the way... and I broke down into tears at that point. In my survival mode... and in my self-preservation... I had somewhat forgotten why I do what I do... why I started in the first place. I wanted to make a difference in people's lives... to help them with my knowledge and experiences... to make life better and easier for them in as many ways as I have within my power (or scope of practice).
I wanna speak Your loveNot just another noiseOh, I wanna be Your lightI wanna be Your voice
Let my words be lifeLet my words be truthI don't wanna say a wordUnless it points the world back to You - Hawk Nelson, Words
Anyway. That was the little love note that God sent me to remind me why I started this marathon to begin with.
#2. Exercise class. For some reason, unbeknownst to me... maybe I crave the endorphins... maybe because the music reminds me of dancing and happier times... maybe because even in survival mode, I chose to work out and take care of my body... I've been going to a lot of exercise classes at the gym. I usually stand somewhere on the side, near the back. It was kind of practical at first... to be near my water and my towel... but nowadays... I'm finding that I need less water throughout the class and I'm not as drippy-sweaty as I was in the beginning. I'm still soaked from head to toe... but just not as much as before. Doing the exercises from the back of the class... there's less pressure... even if I mess up... no one really sees me cuz there's hardly anyone behind me and too many people in front of me for the instructor to actually see me. One thing I did notice though... that when the instructor would call out reminders about our footwork or our "mistakes"... I would be able to see immediately who she was talking to because from the back... I could see everything. The worst is when she calls out a correction repeatedly and the person who's doing it "wrong" still doesn't realize she's talking to them. Then she has to move directly in front of the "offender" and speak to the person directly. I kinda think that's embarrassing... but maybe that's the only way they'd realize that she was trying to correct them.
The other day... all the spots in the back were taken... so I had to stand in the middle of the room. People started coming in and crowding me so I moved up even further... until I was pretty much directly in front of the instructor but still probably in the second row. Since I was in front of her... whenever she'd call out a correction... I'd automatically think it was me... so I'd fix whatever it is she said to fix and she'd say, "good". I don't always know if she's talking to me... but it is good habit to just assume she's talking to me and make the correction anyway... or if I think I'm doing it right... to exaggerate the movement even more so she is able to see it. I'm pretty sure I was making the same mistakes I would have if I'd been in the back of the room... but since I was in the front... I got a lot more extra attention... and extra correction. The correction isn't intended to embarrass me though... it's intended to correct my form... so I can get the most out of the class.
It made me think about life... and how much better I can be corrected and sanctified if I allow myself to be seen... to be transparent and let other people look into my life. It might mean moving from the back of the room to the front... maybe even directly in front of the instructor.
Today in service... the speaker was talking about how when we're kids... we're free to do and say whatever we want. Kids are fully exposed and feel no shame... until... someone hurts them... and then learn to hide. Maybe lots of people hurt them... and by the time they grow a little older... only 10% of their true selves are visible to those around them... like an iceberg. It's a protective coping mechanism... to hide and withdraw... but... it's not the greatest habit ever. If I want to grow... if I want to be better... if I want to fix my form and if I want my mistakes and faults to be excised and thrown away... I need to be seen. I need for the hidden things to be brought to the surface so that God... and even other people can see and help me become better... to be better. It's a good thing to be open, vulnerable, and honest... in front of the right people.
A couple of people have hurt me lately. I know they didn't mean to do it but it happened anyway. Maybe I'm super sensitive right now but it feels like there are quite a lot of people who hurt me currently and continually. Between the hurt, the stress, the exhaustion... I feel like I've only been showing people 10% of who I really am... and I don't like it. A lot of the time, I feel hurt or irritable and I don't like that either. I want to get back to a place where I feel free... where I can laugh freely... jump around freely... speak freely... and just shine God's bright light on everyone around me. I'll work on it.
Right now though... I think it's time to go to sleep.
much much love,
Tiff
