BrokN

Wow.  A lot has happened this year.

I just went back and skimmed my blog posts for 2014.  I didn't think I journaled much at all in 2014 but about 75% of my current journal was written this year.  In looking back at my posts and my journal entries from earlier this year... it seemed like I thought more deeply, felt more intensely, and got excited a whole lot more often than now.  So then what happened?  Did SOMETHING happen?  How did I end up becoming a broken version of myself at the end of the year?

I asked myself a lot of questions this year.  A few questions stood out:

Who am I?  What makes up "me"?   (my answer on March 2, 2014 was "pretty pink flowers")

Do I need a constant connection with people to keep from feeling lonely?   (I didn't answer that question)  Am I being a friend or relying on them to be mine?

What do I need to let go of in order to improve my relationship with God?  (I had a long list of stuff)

Am I loved?  Competent? Worthy?  Am I beautiful?  (I know the answer is "yes" but it always feels like "no")

Where is God in the midst of my chaos and pain?

Something I've been pondering lately since I heard it on the radio was... about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  They were bound up and sentenced to death for their faith.  They were thrown into a fiery furnace so hot that the people who threw them in died from the heat.  The fire... probably burned off what the world bound them with... and then... something I'd never thought about... there they were... unbound... walking around in a fiery furnace with Jesus... and they didn't leave right when they attained "freedom" from the bonds... they remained in the fire with Jesus because being in the fire with Jesus was far better than being... without the fire... and with the king.  They stayed in the fire with Jesus until the king called them out.  And then they left the fire and left the tangible presence of Jesus... to enter into the world again and give praise to God with the king who threw them in there in the first place.  AND they got a promotion.

At some point though... I wonder if they cried.  Maybe they were manly men and they only cried on the inside.  The Bible makes no mention of such a thing.  I just wonder if they did.  I wonder if any thought crossed their mind... that it would have been better if they didn't say anything.  Maybe they would have stayed alive if they just kept their mouths shut.  But they didn't... and they escaped certain death and came out on the other side even better than they entered in.  I want to be like them.  I want to stand my ground so firmly that even if it means that I'll be shot or killed or drowned or whatever... that I STILL won't deny the God I know and love... or be bullied into doing something I know is wrong.  Would I have that kind of conviction... even to the point of death?

This past Sunday, the sermon was on God's restoration... that He promises to restore to me what was lost... that he could turn my ugliness into beauty through His grace... that while I can't ever get back any broken years... He can restore me.  Today is the start of a brand new future.

I think this year... 2015... is the year I get to be called "Hope" for a day.  Just to complete my collection.  When I decided to be "Faith" last year for my birthday... I hoped that faith would characterize this year... and I think it has.

As I was thinking back on how much life has changed this year... my friends have changed... my inner circle has changed... my workplace has changed... my career has changed... my living situation has changed... I'VE changed.  And throughout all the transitions, I've been learning to bear with them with faith... a different kind of faith than previous years.  Or maybe it just feels different to me.  Maybe it was always the same.  Maybe it's just a different version of the same thing.

I've done a lot of letting go and taking up this year.  God has done a lot of exchanging.  I thought I was perfectly happy with what I had on my plate or what I held in my hands... until something happened and what I had was taken away from me and then there was a brief moment of grief and emptiness... which was then followed by showers of blessings.  What I thought were good things, turned out to be lesser good things than what God had in store for me.  I was always meant to have those things for that particular season of my life, but in this season... I feel like God is paving the way for me to receive something better.  And it is my goal and my challenge to wait well.  To wait with great faith.

I have a friend.  A very, very good one.  We've been through a lot together... we've cried deep and lonely tears together when our relationships didn't work out... we've wailed together at various points in our lives because we felt like we were destined to be alone the rest of our lives and it terrified us to death... but then she started dating... and then she was waiting for engagement.

I was listening to my dear friend... cry out in frustration because the engagement was taking a lot longer than she wanted.  And then I was almost crying out in frustration when the guy was talking to me and it was taking longer than I wanted for him to get a move on... but he was ready.  He had the ring.  He was just waiting for the right time.  It was painful for me to be stuck in the middle of this.  It was even more painful for me to know what I knew... and to not tell my friend what was coming in the very near future.  I knew that my knowledge would put her out of her misery but it would also rob her of some joy if I let her know prematurely.  It had to be at the right time.

At the same time, we're going through the life of Moses in BSF.  And I experienced the same pain in reading about the Israelites complaining and whining to Moses about this or that... when I knew what they had just come out of and what they were about to be saved from... and also that God was going to provide for them.  I wished that they would have stopped complaining.  I wished that they would have simply cried out to God and waited well.  I wished they had more faith.

So then I turned it on myself.  I need to not react like they did.  I need to keep myself from complaining, to stop myself from wanting things to happen on my timing and ONLY my timing... and just wait... in faith... with peace... with joy... with graciousness... for the good things that God has in store for me this coming year.

Even if I was hungry or thirsty or yearning for something I don't have just yet... I can still have faith in the fact that God has always provided for my every need and since He is immutable... He will not stop now.  I will project my faith into next year and rest in the peace that faithfulness brings... and embrace a year of... what... stability?  a year of growth?  a year of learning new and different things?  a year of adventure?  Who knows.  But it will be a year characterized by hope.

I was walking by a couple people this morning at work and one of them asked me if I knew so-and-so from Anaheim because he was at a meeting yesterday and my name came up.  I said, "of course!  She was my boss".  So then they started asking me what I did in Anaheim... and I said I worked in their cardiac ICU and then I graduated school and got hired here... and then a few months later, a NP position opened up at my old hospital, but I said, "oh well... if I had stayed there then I wouldn't have met you all" and then he said, "and we wouldn't have met you".  I remember my director calling me and offering me that position and at that moment... one month into my new job... I was overwhelmed... I was struggling... I felt like I was drowning in the midst of all the transition and I longed for what I had just let go of.  I really thought I was going to take it.  I thought that going back to my old workplace... where everyone speaks English... doing the exact same job I'm doing right now... would have been the perfect solution to all my "problems"... but as God would plan it... I couldn't move back into that position since I need to be working 6 months in any position before switching jobs within the same company... and a week later... after having thought about it more... I decided that even though I had no choice... I wanted to stay where I was at.  When I described my work environment to my old boss, she also agreed that staying where I was would be best for me.  She said that if I were her daughter, she would want me to stay where I am because... I am in a good environment for my personal growth and development.  This might not be my forever job, but it is a place where I can learn slowly and gently... where I don't get yelled at (much)... where I have a lot of support and resources... and the patient population is familiar... and usually pretty awesome.  I made a couple of follow-up phone calls today and two of the patients told me that they had THE BEST experience at the hospital.  They said they had nothing but good things to say about how they were treated and they weren't shy about letting people know about it.  I was so thankful to hear those words.  I helped coordinate their surgery and even though my hospital isn't the biggest or most impressive and has a computer charting system that I absolutely loathe ... and... it was because of their not-so-desirable HMO insurance that they came to be my patients... I was super happy that I played a part (even if it was a small one) in helping them have a good cardiac surgery experience.  I am exactly where I'm meant to be.  I would have robbed myself of having experienced today if I was still working in Anaheim.  Maybe I would have had equally amazing experiences working there... but I am thankful for today and the people I've met because of the choices that I made and also the choices that were made for me.  I've been in my new workplace for 4 months and I've already been gifted with some amazing relationships that I'm excited to cultivate and see what they grow into in 2015.

So much good stuff.

Being brokN doesn't seem so bad... when I stop to remember and ask myself... where is God in the midst of my chaos and pain?

He's been here all along.  When I wait with Him... I will see Him reveal Himself and His handiwork everywhere in my life.

Happy old year and happy new year, everyone.

Love,
Tiff

lifesaver

I cannot believe that 2014 is almost over.  

Thinking back on this month, I do have a lot to be thankful for.  I finished my third month of working as a NP.  I think there is still plenty to learn but I'm starting to reach a point where... I almost somewhat can maybe start to feel semi competent.  I did my first RN education at the quarterly inservice last week.  I had a powerpoint.  It wasn't long and it's not on something that's interesting to the general public but it is important to manage blood sugars immediately post-op in patients with cardiac surgery.  Yes.  That's what I talked about.  I know.  So exciting.  

I think the most interesting thing that happened this month was that my family just came back from a cruise.  Eleven of us were on the boat.  We went over the thanksgiving holiday and even though I've had a pretty good month at work... this vacation was much needed and much appreciated.  Just like the rain which began to pour on So Cal when we got back.  My car needed God to wash it for me... just like California soil was aching for rain... I really appreciated our family time these past few days.  

For the past few years, I've had cruise adventures with my cousins.  We've cruised from NY to Boston... from Vancouver to LA... here and there.  While we can't say that the cruise boat itself was amazing... what we do remember are the laughs we've shared and how being together makes us feel.  We cruised during hurricane Sandy and had a blast.  It's like some lady said on the boat... "the best ships are friendships".  

In every family vacation, there are things that go "wrong"... but this time there were so many things that went wrong and so many unusual occurrences.  I think that the side effect of having things be so unusually off... was that I began to think back to times when things were right and appreciate the good times to help me get through some situations that are harder to get through.  

I wanted to write a little about manna because "manna" means "what is it" and when stuff just happens to fall from the sky... I know that God is taking care of me and providing for my needs in the midst of my "wilderness".  

I always think I'm in the wilderness.  There's always some kind of struggle... something that's giving me pain... something that's aching my heart.  There's always a situation in my life where I feel like God is testing my faith and testing my character... and this past month has been no exception.  It gets harder for me to blog when so much of what I'm struggling through right now is relational... but there have been many significant instances where I've found myself in situations where I've had to have difficult conversations with people or journey alongside people with difficult situations... and all in all, it's been a good thing.  A line from a sermon I heard recently was that the key to intimacy with God was to bear with one another and in so doing, we put God's love into practice.  It is so, so true.  

In looking at my life at this particular moment, I am surrounded by such amazing friends and family.  I feel support and encouragement encircling me and keeping me afloat... like a lifesaver... and it is a huge blessing to be resting in the middle of a lifesaver... and I know I may not always have one or have such a strong one.  I feel like God knew that this time of my life would be difficult so he threw out the lifesaver to where He knew I'd find it... to help me as I wait for deliverance... as I struggle through some rough transitions.  Some of the people who are closest to me right now... I've met in the past year... and some in the past few months.  The ways in which God can answer the cry of my heart and bring friendships so close and so quickly... I know that it came from God... and when I call it "manna" I also know that it is what I need... and it is good and it is sweet.  

I'm also thankful for my "lifesaver" because... old friends and new friends... remind me of who I am.  I know this post is all over the place.  It's because I'm a mess right now.  My old friends remind me of who I am because they know who I was.  My new friends remind me of who I am because as they get to know me and I tell the stories of my life... I am reminded anew of God's faithfulness to me and about how much I have to be thankful for... and the God who was faithful to me then, will continue to be faithful to me now.  

I need to be reminded.  I need to laugh... the deep kind... the ones that originate from way down in your gut.  God knows.  God heard.  And He provided.  

Thank you.  

I don't have time to go wandering into the depths of my emotions right now but... something I want to remember from the cruise... was something a drunk girl said... while we were watching the saddest movie EVER during the Movie Under the Stars on the last day of our cruise...

"OMG she's crying.  OMG they're all crying.  Nobody cries on a Carnival cruise!" (we were on Princess)

and also a quote from the movie: "Pain begs to be felt".  

I feel it.  And I'm thankful.

Laters!

Tiff

Ignoble

There was a moment at the end of my workday today when I was leaning back in my chair at my desk with my legs semi-sprawled out in a very unlady-like fashion... with a chocolate donut in my left hand... and a pen tightly gripped by my right hand... where I wondered... what in the world happened today and how did I get to this place where I feel so disgusting that I'm willing to eat a chocolate donut.  I don't usually eat donuts.  They make me feel disgusting afterwards but sometimes... when I'm exhausted... I will eat whatever is given to me and someone just so happened to hand me a chocolate glazed donut.  So I ate it.  

And I do feel disgusting now.  

I'm just about to finish my second month of NP work.  Overall, I think I'm getting better but I still have a LONG ways to go and grow.  God has really provided for me so amazingly through my job and my coworkers.  I thank God all the time for gifting me with such a supportive learning environment.  

This month was a super busy month.  My first month of work, there were a total of 8 heart surgeries in the whole month.  This month, there were 21 or so.  An unusually busy month.  And I took care of most of them by myself.  Maybe one day I'll talk more about what exactly I do at work.  Not now.  Too tired.  Such grace that my first month was so much slower and now I get so much practice to help me solidify what I learned.  I think I am adjusting fairly well but the volume of work has been so high that I always feel like I'm behind and scrambling to catch up.  

Sometimes I get tired of hearing myself talk so much about work.  Everything that I've been reading in the Bible right now and every sermon and every devotional... they all point me back to doing my work with excellence, being a light in my workplace, moving from a state of fear to an attitude of boldness and confidence in my gifts... at work.  I'm pretty sure I work with a lot of nonbelievers and culturally, it's been a little bit on the difficult side for me to feel like I fit in when most people just default to Chinese and talk around me like I'm not even there.  Even my surgeons sometimes start talking to me in Chinese and after I stare at them blankly for a few seconds, they realize that they weren't speaking to me in a language I understand and switch to English.  It might not bother some people, but it does bother me... when I value communication so highly... and when communication is so vital to my job.  There have been some moments where I'm not sure if I'm just so tired or ineffectively trying to multitask and someone told me something or asked me for an order in English but with a Chinese accent and I had absolutely no idea what they were saying.  I felt so stupid making the nurses repeat themselves three times before I finally understood what they were trying to tell me.  It happened multiple times in one day and I just decided that I was just having a bad language day... and not that I was having some kind of stroke which affects how I perceive language.  

I should cut myself some slack.  It hasn't even been two months and I've already grown a lot in my role.  On days like today, I hear voices in my head telling me that work is and always will be impossible.  I'll never be Chinese enough.  I'll never be smart enough.  I'll never be quick enough.  I'll always be barely scraping by... only because I work with other people who know what they're doing even when I don't.  I'll always end the day walking to my car in defeat... not having finished my work... not having made the right choices...and always letting someone down.  I think things will get better.  I walk around with a smile on my face... making it a point to smile at everybody... but on the inside... sometimes there is no smile... it's mostly disappointment in myself.  And that's the honest truth.  

While we're on the topic of things not being what they seem... and also since I usually blog to demarcate some kind of milestone... one of the biggest things I accomplished this month was completing my first triathlon.  

This was us at the end of it.  Smiling.  

This was us at the beginning.  Smiling.  

And this was me 2/3rds done... and amazingly enough, I look like I'm having a good time.

Let me tell you what actually went down.

If you had asked me 6 months ago if I would do a triathlon, I would have said, "HECK NO... I will never do a triathlon.  Of any length.  In any location.  In my entire lifetime."  It wasn't one of those things I've always wanted to do.  It was categorized in the things I would never want to do... like sky diving and bungee jumping... and doing drugs or shaving my head.  So what happened... peer pressure.  That's what happened.

I don't even remember what I was thinking but it must have been some kind of moment of weakness when I decided that I could do it and I paid for it and then... that was that.  If I broke up the events individually, it would have been no problem.  Putting them all together... I was just going to have to leave that to chance.  I did train for it.  I did some bricks... which is what the cool people call doing two of the activities one right after the other... like biking and then running right afterwards.  And the more I looked for friends to train with... the more people I found to run with me or bike with me... or bike/run with me... so then training didn't feel as bad.

I also can't even remember what I was thinking when I bought my first unitard (aka tri suit)... maybe it was that it covers more of my body than a swim suit... maybe because there was a black/white/pink one... I can't remember what possessed me to buy one but I couldn't wear it out in public by itself for weeks.  I felt so exposed and naked... and vulnerable.  But then after a few times, I stopped caring.  I would just walk into the gym, put my stuff in the locker and then walk into the pool... and then walk out of the pool, dry off and walk to my car.  So easy.  I'd put on a suit and then bike around the neighborhood and then hop off the bike and start running... or vice versa.  I'm all for multitasking.  Clothes which multitask are brilliant.  Too bad Lululemon doesn't make a tri suit.  I wonder if I'd pay for it even if they did.  Maybe.  Probably.

The swimming... that was the scariest part.  I'd swim two laps freestyle and I'd be done.  I'd feel like I was drowning.  So then... I just decided to kick on my back.  I could kick on my back for a very long time.  And then I would do backstroke.  And then I'd do a few laps on my back... and then one lap of backstroke and then go back to kicking on my back.  And then... once I started working... I went to the gym with the pool and it was so crowded that I had to share a lane with 3-4 other people.  When I do that, I can't go as slow as I want to and I can't always just do backstroke or float on my back so they somewhat peer pressured me into freestyling my laps and swimming faster than I would if I were by myself.  Oh... and for a graduation present... a friend of mine decided to buy me a swim cap and goggles as my gift.  I love useful gifts.  I love making use of useful gifts.  So it encouraged me to swim more.  Anyway... all my swim training didn't matter because once I got to the end of the tri... I was so exhausted from running the fastest 5K of my life (which isn't really that fast but it's fast for me...) and also biking pretty fast (for me) for 43 minutes straight... I could not breathe well enough to freestyle anything.  I did like two strokes of freestyle and couldn't breathe so I defaulted to just... floating/kicking on my back.  I think I might have done half a lap of backstroke but I was just SO tired... my arms didn't want to move anymore.  My legs didn't want to move anymore.  I kept thinking to myself... the water is so warm... it's the perfect temperature... I could just stop moving and let myself sink to the bottom of the pool and drown and I think it would be an OK way to die... and then I'd be like... NO WAIT... I should just finish this race and then drown later.  I always have these kinds of mental pep talks.  In the middle of both of my board examinations... I felt like mentally just shutting down and taking a nap right there in front of that computer... but I'd catch myself and think to myself that I had to finish... I worked so hard and studied for this very moment so... don't quit now otherwise I'll hafta go through this torture all over again... so I finished.  I finished boards.  I finished the tri.

And then I collapsed on my friend.  He helped me sit down on the bleachers... and then I started crying.  Not quiet crying either.  It was full on sobbing. I did hear people asking if I was OK but at that point I just didn't care. The nice volunteer gave me some Snapple or something... which I found out later had mangoes in it... so maybe I'm not so allergic to mango Snapple if I drank it and didn't break out in a rash... I probably cried for 10 minutes.  And then I wanted to sleep.  I closed my eyes for a little bit.  But then I thought maybe it would be good to get up and start going home.  So I did.  We did.  The guys waited for me to be ready to go.

I stopped crying long enough to take this picture.

So that is my ignoble story of my first triathlon.  Even though... what you may see are smiles or medals... what might actually be going on inside of me is a very active, very real battle... just to keep on going... for a little while longer.  The walk back to the car from the pool at the tri was not a victorious one.  It was a slow, dazed... partially sedated journey which seemed to take forever and a day... and I feel like it's the same walk I make every single day back to my car when I get out of work.

I did better than I thought I would at the tri.  I gave myself 2 hours to finish it and it took me 1 hour and 25 minutes.  And even though it was a pretty miserable experience... I still want to see if I could do better at another one.  Maybe one that starts with the swim and ends with the run... so I won't be tempted to drown myself again.

Before I started work, I decided that I'd give myself at least a year to adjust to this new role.  People warned me that the first year would be killer.  Will I remember this time of my life as killer?  Or will I remember the first time I got to park in the doctor's parking lot?  Will I remember getting free breakfast and lunch everyday?  Will I remember having moments of amazement and wonder as my surgeons or my preceptor explain something medical to me and the light bulb goes off and I finally get it?  Will I remember making mistake after mistake of calculating insulin dosages... or will I remember the days when I got it right the first time?

There have been so many days at work where I've felt so dragged out, I didn't think I was suitable for anything... but either someone called me and asked to hang out and it would cheer me up to do something "normal" and familiar... or that someone had already scheduled to hang out with me on a particular day and I knew that it was God providing someone to minister to my heart on a day when He knew I'd need it most.

There was a moment during the bike ride at the tri... when I was thinking to myself... "dude... how much longer do I have left...?" and then the lady riding next to me asked me, "how much longer do we have left?" so then I gave her my estimation and she told me it was her first tri and I told her it was MY first tri and she said I was doing really well so I told HER that SHE was doing really well... and it really helped me smile and get through the rest of the bike ride.  I don't know why I talk to myself and say, "dude" but... anyway... yeah.  That's what goes on in my head sometimes.

It's the little things.  The little love notes that God leaves scattered throughout my day which make me smile a bit and get me through to the next hour or the next part of the day.  It's how He reminds me He loves me in the midst of the crazy whirlwind which is work... and looking for and finding the love notes are ways that I can punctuate my day with brief moments of rest/sabbath before moving on to the next leg of the journey.

Moment by moment... event to transition to the next event... I WILL get through.  And I'm pretty sure this first year of work is going to fly by.  I can only hope that the smiles I sometimes force... the moments when I need to swallow my first response in order to get to the point of taking care of my patient versus getting upset at the way someone may treat me... will somehow all add up to a legacy that I hope that God can be proud of.  I hope that I can grow to be excellent at what I do.  I hope that God will grant me the wisdom and understanding to quickly master what I need to know in order to do my job effectively.  And... if I find that I can't swim quickly... if I can't breathe or find a rhythm that seems right... that I would be able to flip on my back... stare at the sky and just kick my way... slowly... until I hit the finish line... and until the day is done.  And then go to sleep... and repeat.

I think... everything will be OK.  Eventually.

Good night all...
love,
Tiff

in my wake

Cutting it close for this month's post.  September... flew by.

Greater by MercyMe

Bring your tired
Bring your shame
Bring your guilt
Bring your pain
Don’t you know that’s not you’re name
You will always be much more to me

I started my new job and it's been an easy transition on one hand, but a difficult one on the other.  I think that God's shown me so much grace in this job.  The person who's training me and my co-workers are very nice.  I get breakfast and lunch provided for me everyday.  The main surgeon I'm working under is also super nice and loves to teach.  

The difficulties are that I'm always super tired now.  I feel like my energy stores have been zapped and when I'm done with work, I really crave peace and quiet... and oftentimes solitude.  This is really different for me.  Before, I would plan things after work because I knew I'd want to hang out or do something.  Now, all I want to do is sleep.  I can barely stay awake for things nowadays.  I'm hoping that once I start to feel more comfortable and confident in my job, I won't be as tired afterwards.  I'm also hoping that I'll be able to find rest in unexpected places.  I feel like I barely have time to breathe nowadays.  

Every day I wrestle with the voices
That keep telling me I’m not right
But that’s alright

My new workplace has a few challenges.  One big one is that almost all the patients and the majority of the staff are Chinese and speak Chinese to each other regularly.  This is extremely challenging for someone who... doesn't speak Chinese and who can barely understand Cantonese.  I understand most of the things my family says to each other but definitely not enough to have a medical conversation with someone.  I'm trying to listen to learn more Chinese but it is quite difficult.  It seems downright impossible that I'll ever get to a point where I can work in another language.  

‘Cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed
When others say I’ll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
In the world
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world

I've been reading about King David and his sons lately.  The past few days have been about Solomon and establishing his kingdom.  Solomon was rushed into being coronated because his brother, Adonijah, tried to usurp the throne.  And then his dad died and he was left to make his own choices and establish his kingdom and the tone of his reign.  At this point in my job, I kind of feel like the same thing is happening to me... in a sense.  This week is my first week "on my own", meaning that I'm not shadowing my preceptor (the nurse practitioner who's training me) anymore.  She'd been slowly giving me more responsibility over the past few weeks but this week I was supposed to go mostly solo.  I didn't feel ready for it and I didn't really want it just yet but... it had to come someday.  And I also now have a little more freedom to establish how I want to practice and how I want to relate to my coworkers.  A large part of my job is coordinating between various departments and it's been extremely difficult for me to be on the phone so much, especially since I'm NOT a phone person and I can barely remember who's on the other end of the line.  When I first started my nursing job, I absolutely dreaded talking to doctors on the phone.  I had to get over it for my RN job, but talking to them now is on a whole other level.  I'm coordinating care alongside them... ish.  OK and I know it's kind of dumb but... all the doctors kind of look the same to me.  I'm having a hard time remembering and knowing who is who and what kind of doctor they are and who likes to consult whom and blah blah blah.  I know this kind of knowledge will come with experience.  I'm just having a difficult time right now learning who everyone is... and separating all the male, middle-aged Chinese doctors I keep meeting.  

Bring your doubts
Bring your fears
Bring your hurt
Bring your tears
There’ll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed

At BSF, our lecturer made this illustration... about how awesome it would be if everywhere we went, we would leave other people encouraged and worshipping God in our wake.  I thought about a ship sailing about the ocean and how the engine churns up all kinds of... stuff... and what kind of stuff would I want to be churned up when I pass by.  I would like to leave things happier and better than before I came.  I'd like to walk into the unit and have people be happy to see me... knowing that I'll take good care of my patients.  I used to think that I could leave my patients happier at the end of my shift than when I first got them.  I don't have that kind of confidence in my new role yet.  I'm not quite sure... if I'll be good at this... but I know that I want to be.  

Every time I fall
There’ll be those who will call me
A mistake
Well that’s ok

There’ll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn’t matter
‘Cause the cross already won the war
He’s Greater
He’s Greater

I've been ending most days feeling like I barely scraped by.  I've let a lot of things slide lately that I normally wouldn't.  I barely recognize myself anymore... I'm so very tired.  I had a rough day today.  It was a very long day.  Most days after work, I walk to the parking structure and I feel like gravity is pulling down my eyelids... pulling down my face... and I have to catch myself otherwise I'm afraid that I'll be walking around with this horrible, unwelcoming expression... but sometimes I just can't help it.  

This song, Greater, has been a great encouragement to me lately.  Some days, I just listen to it on repeat on the drive to work or the drive home and the lyrics just lift me up... or sometimes it helps me to barely squeeze through a tight spot.  I often hear lines of this song in my head... like... "you are holy, righteous and redeemed" and "you will always be much more to me".  This season of my life might be a slightly difficult one, but the journey to learning how to be a nurse practitioner isn't what defines who I am... it's part of growing to be who God made me to be.  I felt like my career had trained me for this position and now I know that this current job is training me for something greater in the future.  And all of this... all this life... is training me for something even greater... something greater than all of this world.  I'll know more when I get there.  

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how He sees me
And it makes me love Him more and more
He’s Greater
He’s Greater

Just as a closing story... I ate lunch by myself today.  While I was getting lunch, one of the lunch ladies was standing next to me.  She said something three times before I realized she was talking to me in Chinese and when I responded to her, I bumbled something like, "oh... hi..." and then she walked away.  I got my food and sat down.  I ate and I watched her rearranging food stuffs and chit chat with other people and I felt bad.  I was super tired and feeling anti-social and there was a large part of me that wanted to just finish my lunch and get back to work because stuff was already building up and work was piling high.  But then again, I also felt badly that I didn't realize she was talking to me and I felt bad that I didn't try to talk to her back. I thought about how I wanted my "legacy" to begin and I didn't want it to begin like this. I didn't want her to think that I'm super rude and have that be the first thing she remembers of me... but she had already left the room and I wondered and hoped that she'd come back before I left so I could redeem my first impression of her.  It'd be like spending twice as much or even more time to dig myself out of the hole of a bad first impression than just fixing it right NOW... but would I get the chance?  I contemplated going to the back of the kitchen to look for her and apologize but thankfully, I did run into her just as I was leaving and I apologized and told her I was sorry that I didn't hear her before and thanked her for saying hi to me.  She also apologized to me for forgetting that I don't speak Chinese.  We smiled at each other and went our separate ways.  Such grace.  

I'm hoping that i can win over the nurses as well.  I somehow feel like a lot of them won't give me the time of day because I don't speak Chinese and also because... I'm new and maybe they don't think I know what I'm doing or what I'm talking about (because... mostly... I don't know what I'm doing...) but... one by one... I hope that I will earn their trust and confidence... and I hope that I'll be able to leave encouragement in my wake... and that God would be glorified in the way I do my work.  We'll see how it goes.  Thanks for reading if you got this far...

love,

Tiff

August Adventures

I feel like so much has happened since my last post.

Firstly, I got offered the job from the miracle interview I wrote about in the last post.  I actually didn't receive the more official offer until last Thursday.  There was some mixup with HR and then I was in Europe for 10 days...

Secondly, I was in Europe for 10 days!!!  So... this is how it went down.  I somehow accidentally forgot to put myself on the schedule to work from mid July to mid August.  This is not unusual.  It's happened many times and usually my manager will call me and put me back on the schedule.  This time, I didn't get a call... so I held a thought for about 0.25 seconds that maybe I should call and put myself on the schedule... but then that brief moment quickly fell into the shadows of a much grander thought... maybe I should take a trip before I start work.  Yeah.  I went with the vacation.

I hadn't planned on going to Europe.  My first thought was to take a holy land tour... but that didn't really seem feasible on such short notice... and there were also... bombs landing in Israel... so... yeah.  I decided to look at other options.  I also thought to myself... who else would have the time and the means to go somewhere with me... and my cousin came to mind.  She's actually not really MY cousin.  She's my dad's cousin but she's closer to my age than my dad's age so for all intents and purposes... she's my cousin...ish.  She just graduated with her doctorate from eyeball school so we thought that us two newly minted doctors could take a trip before we start working.  And then her parents decided that they wanted to go too.  So this lonely aspiring traveler acquired 3 travel companions within a week's notice.  It was a miracle in and of itself and yet another way that God shows me that He loves me... He provides for my needs and then goes above and beyond and answers the desires of my heart.

We went to Paris and Prague.  Saw lots and lots of buildings.  Paris is an incredibly beautiful city.  It's amazing how much effort they went to in order to make the buildings look the way they do and also how far they go to maintain it.  I walked around and I marveled... it just felt like I was experiencing a piece of history but in modern times.  It was also nice that pretty much everyone spoke English.  It did help that I understood some French but I really didn't have to even speak in any complete French sentences.  The French people seemed to understand my Franglais.  The closest I got to actually speaking French was ordering gelato.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from my trip:

Arc de Triomphe de l'Étoile -  honors those who fought and died for France in the French Revolutionary and the Napoleonic Wars

La Tour Eiffel was named after the engineer Gustave Eiffel and was erected in 1889 as the entrance arch to the 1889 World's Fair.

Our view from the middle of the Eiffel Tower

Inside the Cathedrale Notre-Dame de Paris

Loved the metro signs

Hangin' out at the Jardin du Luxembourg

Jardin du Luxembourg

Outside Chateau de Versailles

Somewhere outside Versailles

At the top of the Tour Montparnasse 

At a garden near Prague Castle

By the Vltava River

Obstacle course on Střelecký Ostrov.

The lock I left on the St. Charles Bridge.

I wasn't expecting my trip to Europe to be an amazing journey of self-discovery or that I would have any revelations or crazy epiphanies... but the act of leaving this lock on the bridge did change something inside of me.  I struggled with the idea of whether or not to leave a lock on a bridge.  It felt like vandalism.  It felt pointless.  But every time I passed a bridge with locks on it... it felt like something we would have done if we had been there together.  

Some years ago, a new fad started when love-struck sweethearts began locking padlocks onto the chain link fence of the Pont des Arts, which crosses from the left bank to the Louvre museum. The love padlocks, called cadenas d’amour, multiplied until there were thousands of love tokens on the bridge, each engraved with a message of love. After locking the love padlock onto the fence, lovers toss the keys into the Seine river – a sign of their eternal devotion.

I walked by so many locks on bridges in Paris... and also walked by a lot on bridges in Prague.  On the very last day of our trip, I decided... if we passed by the St. Charles Bridge one more time... I'd do it.  If I think about something for days... I figure... it meant enough to me to continue to ponder it... so I might as well just do it.  Even if it just gets cut off at a later time or no one cares or no one sees... it meant something to me at the moment I left it.  There were some pushy Asian tourists trying to make me move  (i.e. push me out of the way) so that they could get a picture at the exact spot where I was locking my lock.  I didn't even spend a long time choosing a spot.  I chose a spot as close to where we were walking by as possible and I chose the first location I could.  I would have liked to have spent even one minute IN the moment... but... the pushy Asians eventually got their wish and I moved so they could get their picture that apparently couldn't wait 20 more seconds.  At least I got MY picture.  And I forgot to throw the keys into the river.  Oh well.  Maybe I'll throw the keys into the ocean in California and it will REALLY symbolize that this love will never be unlocked.  

Thinking about Anderson and his love made me think back to my beginnings.  Sometimes I feel like I never truly "lived" until he came into my life so I count my time with him as the beginning of my true life.  In small groups, our ice breaker question was "who has influenced you the most in your spiritual life?" and the first answer I thought of was Anderson.  And then I thought about all the lessons I've learned after him... from people or situations caused by people who have caused me pain and suffering or heartache.  It is in those situations where I'm desperate and pleading and yearning for relief... that I have seen and experienced the power of God.  

Something I read while I was in Europe has been stuck in my mind since then...

Only when we enter our wound will we discover our true glory. As Robert Bly says, "Where a man's wound is, that is where his genius will be." There are two reasons for this. First, the wound was given in the place of your true strength, as an effort to take you out. Until you go there you are still posing, offering something more shallow and insubstantial. And therefore, second, it is out of your brokenness that you discover what you have to offer the community. The false self is never wholly false. Those gifts we've been using are often quite true about us, but we've used them to hide behind. We thought that the power of our life was in the golden bat, but the power is in us. When we begin to offer not merely our gifts but our true selves, that is when we become powerful.

"Where a man's wound is, that is where his genius will be."  My genius lies in my insecurities and fears of inadequacy and dread of loneliness?!?!? It may drive me to achieve more and to reach out and hold on to relationships more deeply and more relentlessly. In my search for deep connections with ppl, many meaningful friendships are forged. Out of the brokenness of my pain and heartache, compassion and empathy spring forth. Maybe it's not totally that God redeems my worst faults and flaws... He does do that... but maybe it's that this was part of His plan to begin with. I didn't mess myself up totally and God isn't all about cleaning up impossible messes as He is about unveiling the genius that He already created. 

So, I wrote the above paragraphs two weeks ago and I hadn't gotten around to finishing this blog post.  I haven't exactly taken the time to really flesh out how I've been feeling, but I can say that in the past few weeks, I've been reminded just how loved and blessed I am through so many people pouring into me and reminding me that they support me and care for me.  

I feel like where I am in life... I've gone far in so many areas... but in my career, I'm still a newbie.  I eagerly await the moment where I feel comfortable in this new role... where I can boldly and confidently bless my patients and praise the Lord for placing me in exactly this place at exactly this time in order to care for precisely this patient... which made all of this worth it.  I have moments like this all the time when it comes to my friends... and I'm hoping that I will start to have moments like that when it comes to my patients and my new work environment.  

I start work on Tuesday and I'm not excited... I'm scared.  I'm being flooded by feelings of inadequacy and fear that I will not be good at this job.  There is a heavy weight of responsibility that I know will be laid on me and I hope that I will be able to shoulder it and be a nurse practitioner of excellence.  I dread the growing pains I will inevitably go through as I transition into this new chapter of my life... but the God who has never failed (me or anyone else) in the past, will not start failing me now.  He has empowered me and strengthened me to accomplish things I never could have imagined and I'm not done living/growing/breathing yet.  It will be an amazing adventure.  

Maybe I'll have more thoughts tomorrow but for tonight... I just want to press "publish" so I'll have at least one post for August 2014.  

Bracing myself for the brand new ride...
Tiff

Through my eyes

I'm a bit behind on blogging.  I try to blog whenever I hit a personal milestone and I've hit two since my last post.  I passed my national board certification exam and I had my first nurse practitioner interview.  :)

All things are seemingly lovely... except... that I've been feeling a little bit... misunderstood.  

I didn't feel like I was a real nurse practitioner when I graduated.  I didn't feel like a doctor when my degree was conferred or after I walked at graduation with that big fat heavy gown in the blazing heat.  I thought that even though I graduated and got through schooling... that affirmation from my board examinations would help me feel legit... but it didn't.  How I felt was that I learned how to pass the test really well... but what happens when I don't have multiple choice answers in front of me?  Will I be able to know the answer on my own?  People tell me I'll be fine.  But when will I FEEL fine?  

Applying for NP jobs... I dragged my heels.  I technically could have started applying much sooner than I did.  I delayed for weeks.  No one seems to think that I'll have any problems finding jobs... except me.  

I went to a PIYO class today and there was a move called "the bowler".  It reminded me of Anderson.  Five years ago today, he went to be with the Lord.  I really wanted to find a video I took of him bowling.  I still haven't been able to find it but I did come across this video of a personality box I made.  

Because I took humanities and social science core in college, when I went to apply to nursing school, they didn't recognize my "communications" course which was supposedly mashed up into one of the core courses so I had to retake Communication 101... as a 25 year old.  I had a lot of fun in that class.  Even though I'm not a good public speaker, I was WAY better than the other 18 year olds in my class.  For our final project we had to make a personality box.  The box was supposed to be a representation of me... to infuse as much of my personality into it as possible.  The outside of the box was supposed to be how other people see me.  The inside of the box was supposed to be how I see myself.  I kind of exaggerated a little bit just for... a better effect.  I also kinda just used whatever magazines I found lying around.  I remember at the time, I felt like I was exaggerating but now that I look at it 7 years later... I don't think much has changed.  

Yes, it's a giant Chinese take out box.  With a target ribbon handle.  I worked really hard on this box.  I ended up giving it to my professor.  She wanted it really badly as an example for her next classes.  I think I must have taken this video to show Anderson my project.  I took a lot of pictures and videos for him since we did long distance for so long.

I've been feeling very reminiscent lately.  Maybe because I've met quite a few new friends and when that happens I tend to retell my life story and it forces me to remember.  Yesterday, I was thumbing through my journal and looking back at the things I thought important enough to write down... the things I underlined... sometimes starred or boxed...

The first page of this journal... I wrote this entry:

Last night I cried watching Hope Springs. It was about a broken marriage. I feel for the sad woman... wanting the love of a man who won't give it to her.  I realized that I'm so sensitive to broken relationships because I'm struggling with contentment with my singleness.
Sometimes I wonder... what's wrong with me?
What am I doing wrong?
The answer is... nothing.
God would not withhold good things from His children unless it's exactly what I need right now.  God brings extraordinary kindness to me in the other areas of my life to remind me how much He loves me and that He remembers me.  

He hears the cries of my heart and while one piece may seem "missing" other pieces are extraordinarily strengthened.

For example... the beautiful, strong, godly women God has put into my life.

And I keep meeting more and more.

Some friends only intersect with me for a season.  Sometimes it's just once or twice.  It's so precious when I have friends who journey alongside me for the long run.  I have so many "favorite" stories about my "favorite" friends... I could probably spend days telling all of their stories.

My life is, and has been, pretty darn amazing.  My journey to get me where I am right now... is nothing short of a miracle and an act of grace.  I've come so far... and yet... I somehow find it easy to forget.

For example, my first NP interview... happened because my Bible reading accountability partner of 6 years... was looking out for me and told me of a job opportunity.  The fact that she looked out for me was a blessing in and of itself.  The process of applying for jobs has been slightly tedious.  I had to edit my cover letter... update my resume... and typing or copying and pasting the same information over and over again was getting quite tiring.  It's also a little bit tiring applying for jobs I don't feel I'm qualified for.  It takes a lot of energy for me to do something that I'm not sure I'll be successful in.  I usually only agree to doing things that I'm fairly certain I'll succeed at.  Or... I agree to something not knowing what I'm getting myself into and don't know enough to stop myself from doing it.

This job posting on the website... had absolutely zero information about what kind of NP job this was.  The only thing posted on the website was the job title.  So I applied and I also emailed my resume and an absolutely generic cover letter to the email address my friend sent me.  And I was running late to meet up with a friend so I closed everything and decided I was done with applications for that day.

15-20 minutes later, I was driving to the restaurant, I got a call from an unknown number, which I didn't pick up because I was... well... driving.  Once I parked, I checked my voicemail and sure enough, it was the NP I had emailed asking if I could come for an interview tomorrow at 1pm.  It was probably about 7pm.  My first thought was... "wow that was fast".  My next thought was, "might as well".

I was nervous for this interview.  I asked for prayer from quite a few people.  I tried on a couple of outfits.  I haven't been on that many interviews in my lifetime.  I don't think I'm good at it either.

The interview started out with the usual questions... what are your strengths... what are your weaknesses... and then when she asked me why I thought I'd be a good candidate for this position... I had to be honest and tell her that I didn't exactly know what position I was applying for.  They laughed and proceeded to explain the position they were interviewing for.

This interview went for an hour and 45 minutes.  Mostly because we were waiting for one of the surgeons to be tracked down to join us.  By the time we found him, he spent maybe 5 minutes asking me some simple questions and then it was done.  Just prior to finding the surgeon, I asked the NP interviewing me how long they had been looking for someone for this position.  She said that they had interviewed quite a few people but that none of them had the background they were looking for.

She said that they were looking for someone who had some floor experience, specifically ICU experience and she said that it was really rare for someone to have not only ICU experience but cardiac surgery experience.  She asked me how I ended up in the cardiac ICU and I told them the story.  It wasn't so much that I was singularly driven and focused towards that unit.  I moved there because of life situations and circumstances... and at the point in my life where I found that I couldn't handle full time night shift, part time school and spending 2 days a week also training for ICU... God provided a way for me to move to part time day shift in the cardiac ICU.

I didn't interview perfectly.  There were definitely things I wish I hadn't said and things I wish I'd said.  There were a few things I should have known that I didn't.  I won't blame them if they still don't think that I'm the right person for the job.

I left that interview feeling blessed.  I felt like I was true to myself and I spoke honestly about who I am and how I got here.  I offered myself just as I am.  I'm not sure what else I could have done.  And also, from how quickly God provided this interview opportunity and also the realization that even though I'm a brand new NP with absolutely no NP experience... that the choices I've made in the past... even though I didn't know what I was doing when I was making them... that they eventually did turn out to be good decisions.  I couldn't see the big picture, but I made the best choices with what I had to handle at the time and it all turned out really well for me.  I can say with absolute confidence that God knew what He was doing all I really had to do was trust Him and walk the path He put in front of me.

If God wants something to happen... it will happen.  Until then... I wait.  And I make the most of the season of waiting.

Sometimes I feel like my life is like Forrest Gump's.  A lot of my "success" happened by fortunate "happenchance" from my perspective.  Other people might look at me and see something great... whereas I see myself as a really simple person.  Someone on the outside might see his wealth, or ping pong achievements, his all-American football star status... but those who know him would know that all he truly cared about was his mom and Jenny.  The other stuff just happened along the way.

I don't consider myself an ambitious person.  I really see my career as a nurse as... the stuff that happened along the way.  It's important but in the grand scheme of my life... I don't want it on my tombstone that my occupation defined who I was or dictated how I lived my life.  I think that all my life I've been looking for love... for wholeness... for the person or thing that would complete me.  I want it known of me that my life was characterized by and defined by who and how I loved.

I'm not really sure how I want to end this post.  If I read this again at a later time... I want to remind myself how I feel at this very moment.  I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.  I feel inadequate and unworthy.  I feel very unprepared and with a sense of failure impending.  But I do also feel that God has taken care of me in the past and He will not fail now.  I see His handiwork and His fingerprints on every transition in my life, whether big or small.  Even though other people may see someone who's got so much going for her... I know the truth... that my life is just as delicate as that cardboard Chinese take out box that I made.  Remove two pins and the whole thing flops open.  I'm delicate and I bruise easily.  Whatever strength you see in me is a direct reflection from God because I know how weak I am.  It's a good place to be.  When I am weak, His strength can be seen most powerfully.

I'm sure I'll keep you guys posted on my job search status.  More applications.  Hopefully more interviews.

much love,
Tiff

P.S. I found the video of Anderson bowling.

Primitive

So... it happened.  I slept in a tent by myself for the first time in my life.

Is this little tent a child's size tent?  It felt like my head and my feet were hitting the walls of the tent.  I think that might have been why my head got really cold in the early mornings...

Anyway!  I went camping with a bunch of girls I'd never met before because I was their retreat speaker!  

I don't usually drive very far from home.  The furthest I've ever driven by myself was Bakersfield and I thought that was crazy far and didn't want to do that ever again.  I'd driven once to Santa Barbara and I also thought it was crazy far and didn't want to do that ever again.  So this drive to Ojai... I was dreading... I kept making excuses to stop... at Costco... at Trader Joe's... at Target... I was dragging my heels and battling to get myself to the retreat.  I was also afraid of not having running water... and having to pee/poo in a hole.  I almost cried at Target... during my "last time using a real flushing toilet..." and yes I realized that it would only be for like 2 days but I'm dramatic and I was stressed.  

I hadn't been camping in over a decade and the last site I went camping at had running water, sinks and toilets.  The most "natural" I get is going to the park lately or going hiking for a couple hours.  It's urban nature.  Cultivated nature.  With cell phone signal.  

The last time we had a hiking incident, our two hour hike ended up being 8 hours, we ran out of water... I almost passed out twice... someone broke her ankle... and we only found out we were completely lost when we regained cell phone signal and discovered we missed a turn... 2 hours and I don't know how many miles ago.  I was dying and crying inside.  

So this past weekend... there was a moment... 10 minutes after I lost signal as I was driving to the retreat site... when I couldn't find the site and I wondered... what did I get myself into... and why am I doing this?!?  I'd been driving for 3 hours already and I wondered... what if I can't find them... and they have no signal... should I just go home?  I drove back to where there was signal and just sat in my car for a little bit.  Pondering what I should do.  What if... what if... hm.  So then I checked the Facebook site to see if there were any extra instructions posted and sure enough... there were driving directions that I'd somehow ignored... and I was able to find the site just fine.  Boo on GPS and on Apple maps for saying I had arrived a mile before the actual campsite.  

As I pulled up to our site, a bunch of the girls came running up to my car and they were waving and jumping and introducing themselves to me with such excitement that any fear I had going into this retreat had begun to melt away.  I wish that I could say that I could have handled speaking at this retreat even if they were a tough crowd but I don't know if I could have.  I'm thankful that even though there was the added stress of camping... that the dynamics of the group were not an issue.  They are the loveliest group of women and I was so blessed to have had the privilege to spend time with them.  They warm my heart.  

I was so blessed that they accepted me for who I was... and also for the fact that I wore the shorts I intended to wear as pajamas... for the majority of the weekend.

This is quite possibly the most chillaxed speaking engagement I've ever had.

The theme was Choosing Jesus Daily.  As much as they may have needed a woman to fill the role of retreat speaker for last weekend, I felt like I needed this retreat and it came at a good time for me.  I've had a pretty eventful month or past few months.  I'm studying for my certification exam.  I've been pretty emotional and stressed.  I really enjoyed being away from my norm.  No internet.  No phone.  No worries... Nowhere to be except in the tent, in the chair or walking to the "toilet".  No responsibility... ok well... except for giving the 3 messages.

As I was prepping for this retreat... I realized... how horrible I am at public speaking and preparing for it.  I didn't even know how to start or where to begin.  I had outlined my messages when I first agreed to speak but somehow filling in the meat on those barebones... was extremely difficult.  I remembered the last time I was preparing for the women's tea and I had a meltdown as I tried to push myself to prepare and stressed myself out in the process.  I didn't want to push it to that place again.  I wanted to start at a place where I admitted my inadequacy and weakness and allowed the Holy Spirit to move and flow through me...

aaaand not much was happening so it ended up being last minute again.  Extremely last minute.  I may have pushed the limits of God's grace this time.  I thank God it wasn't a complete and total failure.  These last two times I've done speaking things... I've really felt ... not on top of things.  I've felt like I was so emotional it was difficult to find clarity.  Difficult to find words.  Difficult to bring together ideas.  Maybe it's just been a stressful year.

Pretty much all I did was string together a bunch of my life stories with some connecting points in between.  I felt like I didn't have much to bring other than my stories.  In exchange for the stories though... I felt like I gained a whole lot more than I gave.

There were moments when all of the girls were caught up in talking about school life or people I knew nothing about.  I sat there on the side... observing... and what I saw was beauty.  Raw beauty.  "Primitive" beauty... as they would call it.  It was our #primitive weekend.  I saw delight in their eyes as they came together and enjoyed each other.  I saw youth.  I saw energy.  I saw so much life.  I listened as they talked about their futures... about what was on their minds and hearts.  I witnessed so much grace extended to one another.  We encountered some issues that weekend... with being so limited in water, utensils... resources... and the girls just went with the flow.  There were bug bites and no hydrocortisone cream.  They'd planned their food around having a stove and there was none.  We had no ladles, no stirring spoons... there was one spatula and that one spatula did everything.  We had cups that became ladles... sticks that became firewood... we made do with what little we had... and watching them problem solve and get creative with their resources... was beautiful to behold.

Listening to them share with each other and also with me... watching them connect with one another and get so enraptured in conversation with each other... was also beautiful for me to witness.  I felt like an honored guest at times... but more often than not... I felt like a servant who was privileged to join the meal times and conversation at the "big house".  They opened up and shared so much of their lives with each other and also with me.  They were considerate to me as an outsider and tried as much as they could to explain things and give me the background I needed to understand what they were talking about.  They threw encouragements at each other like water balloons and giggled with just as much delight when they exploded on someone.

Even more amazing was listening to them share about God and how much they wanted to get right with Him and live for Him.  I was so encouraged by the questions they asked... which told me that they were searching for Him... searching for truth... searching for wisdom.  And those who search and ask... will find and be answered.

There were so many moments where I was moved to tears... while singing worship songs with these women... listening to them share... or sharing my own stories... I felt myself reliving moments which were precious to me as moments in their lives echoed my own... they sang songs which brought back memories of beautiful moments in my life... or even the lyrics which resonated with what I was feeling at the moment.  There were so many moments when I just closed my eyes and let myself take in my surroundings... and just revel in the amazement that I was there... in that very moment... with a bunch of "strangers" but enjoying fellowship and unity in the Spirit... and I knew that God was there.  Stuff like this doesn't happen by chance.  Love like this doesn't happen haphazardly.  These girls love God and love one another and it showed.  And I loved being there to witness it and take part in it... in my own small way.

It was a weekend of being primitive... but it was a weekend of spiritual and emotional refreshment for me.  It was one of those things where I was so fearful to do it... but I still wanted to say to God, "here I am, send me"... and He blessed me so much considering the meager offering I so fearfully brought before Him.  Those lovely girls let me come just as I was... share from my heart... and I felt... pretty free to just be me.  Unashamed and unafraid to be who God made me to be.  And all "natural" smelling too.

For two nights, I'd look up at the dark, dark sky and marvel at how many more stars I could see there.  It's amazing how dots of light against a pitch black backdrop could be so beautiful... but it was.  It was one of those moments where time would slow and maybe just stop... as I tried as hard as I could to soak in as much beauty as I could.  Those starry nights... made it well worth it.

You know what else was well worth it?  That shower I took when I got back... and the sleep I was able to have in my own bed last night.  I slept through the entire night without being woke up every few hours by ... something unpleasant.

I was thankful to be there... but I'm also SUPER thankful to be home.

much love,
Tiff