in my wake

Cutting it close for this month's post.  September... flew by.

Greater by MercyMe

Bring your tired
Bring your shame
Bring your guilt
Bring your pain
Don’t you know that’s not you’re name
You will always be much more to me

I started my new job and it's been an easy transition on one hand, but a difficult one on the other.  I think that God's shown me so much grace in this job.  The person who's training me and my co-workers are very nice.  I get breakfast and lunch provided for me everyday.  The main surgeon I'm working under is also super nice and loves to teach.  

The difficulties are that I'm always super tired now.  I feel like my energy stores have been zapped and when I'm done with work, I really crave peace and quiet... and oftentimes solitude.  This is really different for me.  Before, I would plan things after work because I knew I'd want to hang out or do something.  Now, all I want to do is sleep.  I can barely stay awake for things nowadays.  I'm hoping that once I start to feel more comfortable and confident in my job, I won't be as tired afterwards.  I'm also hoping that I'll be able to find rest in unexpected places.  I feel like I barely have time to breathe nowadays.  

Every day I wrestle with the voices
That keep telling me I’m not right
But that’s alright

My new workplace has a few challenges.  One big one is that almost all the patients and the majority of the staff are Chinese and speak Chinese to each other regularly.  This is extremely challenging for someone who... doesn't speak Chinese and who can barely understand Cantonese.  I understand most of the things my family says to each other but definitely not enough to have a medical conversation with someone.  I'm trying to listen to learn more Chinese but it is quite difficult.  It seems downright impossible that I'll ever get to a point where I can work in another language.  

‘Cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed
When others say I’ll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
In the world
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world

I've been reading about King David and his sons lately.  The past few days have been about Solomon and establishing his kingdom.  Solomon was rushed into being coronated because his brother, Adonijah, tried to usurp the throne.  And then his dad died and he was left to make his own choices and establish his kingdom and the tone of his reign.  At this point in my job, I kind of feel like the same thing is happening to me... in a sense.  This week is my first week "on my own", meaning that I'm not shadowing my preceptor (the nurse practitioner who's training me) anymore.  She'd been slowly giving me more responsibility over the past few weeks but this week I was supposed to go mostly solo.  I didn't feel ready for it and I didn't really want it just yet but... it had to come someday.  And I also now have a little more freedom to establish how I want to practice and how I want to relate to my coworkers.  A large part of my job is coordinating between various departments and it's been extremely difficult for me to be on the phone so much, especially since I'm NOT a phone person and I can barely remember who's on the other end of the line.  When I first started my nursing job, I absolutely dreaded talking to doctors on the phone.  I had to get over it for my RN job, but talking to them now is on a whole other level.  I'm coordinating care alongside them... ish.  OK and I know it's kind of dumb but... all the doctors kind of look the same to me.  I'm having a hard time remembering and knowing who is who and what kind of doctor they are and who likes to consult whom and blah blah blah.  I know this kind of knowledge will come with experience.  I'm just having a difficult time right now learning who everyone is... and separating all the male, middle-aged Chinese doctors I keep meeting.  

Bring your doubts
Bring your fears
Bring your hurt
Bring your tears
There’ll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed

At BSF, our lecturer made this illustration... about how awesome it would be if everywhere we went, we would leave other people encouraged and worshipping God in our wake.  I thought about a ship sailing about the ocean and how the engine churns up all kinds of... stuff... and what kind of stuff would I want to be churned up when I pass by.  I would like to leave things happier and better than before I came.  I'd like to walk into the unit and have people be happy to see me... knowing that I'll take good care of my patients.  I used to think that I could leave my patients happier at the end of my shift than when I first got them.  I don't have that kind of confidence in my new role yet.  I'm not quite sure... if I'll be good at this... but I know that I want to be.  

Every time I fall
There’ll be those who will call me
A mistake
Well that’s ok

There’ll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn’t matter
‘Cause the cross already won the war
He’s Greater
He’s Greater

I've been ending most days feeling like I barely scraped by.  I've let a lot of things slide lately that I normally wouldn't.  I barely recognize myself anymore... I'm so very tired.  I had a rough day today.  It was a very long day.  Most days after work, I walk to the parking structure and I feel like gravity is pulling down my eyelids... pulling down my face... and I have to catch myself otherwise I'm afraid that I'll be walking around with this horrible, unwelcoming expression... but sometimes I just can't help it.  

This song, Greater, has been a great encouragement to me lately.  Some days, I just listen to it on repeat on the drive to work or the drive home and the lyrics just lift me up... or sometimes it helps me to barely squeeze through a tight spot.  I often hear lines of this song in my head... like... "you are holy, righteous and redeemed" and "you will always be much more to me".  This season of my life might be a slightly difficult one, but the journey to learning how to be a nurse practitioner isn't what defines who I am... it's part of growing to be who God made me to be.  I felt like my career had trained me for this position and now I know that this current job is training me for something greater in the future.  And all of this... all this life... is training me for something even greater... something greater than all of this world.  I'll know more when I get there.  

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how He sees me
And it makes me love Him more and more
He’s Greater
He’s Greater

Just as a closing story... I ate lunch by myself today.  While I was getting lunch, one of the lunch ladies was standing next to me.  She said something three times before I realized she was talking to me in Chinese and when I responded to her, I bumbled something like, "oh... hi..." and then she walked away.  I got my food and sat down.  I ate and I watched her rearranging food stuffs and chit chat with other people and I felt bad.  I was super tired and feeling anti-social and there was a large part of me that wanted to just finish my lunch and get back to work because stuff was already building up and work was piling high.  But then again, I also felt badly that I didn't realize she was talking to me and I felt bad that I didn't try to talk to her back. I thought about how I wanted my "legacy" to begin and I didn't want it to begin like this. I didn't want her to think that I'm super rude and have that be the first thing she remembers of me... but she had already left the room and I wondered and hoped that she'd come back before I left so I could redeem my first impression of her.  It'd be like spending twice as much or even more time to dig myself out of the hole of a bad first impression than just fixing it right NOW... but would I get the chance?  I contemplated going to the back of the kitchen to look for her and apologize but thankfully, I did run into her just as I was leaving and I apologized and told her I was sorry that I didn't hear her before and thanked her for saying hi to me.  She also apologized to me for forgetting that I don't speak Chinese.  We smiled at each other and went our separate ways.  Such grace.  

I'm hoping that i can win over the nurses as well.  I somehow feel like a lot of them won't give me the time of day because I don't speak Chinese and also because... I'm new and maybe they don't think I know what I'm doing or what I'm talking about (because... mostly... I don't know what I'm doing...) but... one by one... I hope that I will earn their trust and confidence... and I hope that I'll be able to leave encouragement in my wake... and that God would be glorified in the way I do my work.  We'll see how it goes.  Thanks for reading if you got this far...

love,

Tiff