Tandem

So.  I'm getting married tomorrow.

I haven't blogged in a while.  I feel pretty rusty.  It's also pretty early in the morning and I haven't gotten much sleep lately.  I wanted to take a little time to process life before this milestone though.  It's a big one.

How do I feel?  I feel OK.  I'm not nervous. I'm not anxious.  People have been asking me if I'm ready and if everything's all set and done.  My answer is usually, "yeah... whatever's done is done and whatever's not done won't be and it's OK.  Everyone's just gonna hafta figure it out for themselves."  I'm pretty sure it's just to make conversation but I'm pretty darn ready.  I think I've been ready to take this next step for a while and the wedding is just another line to walk across before I start the real journey.  Maybe it's like the Israelites crossing over the Jordan river and entering the promised land... yes... I've been wandering the wilderness for a long time and I am pretty darn ready for it to be over.  There is a battle coming... I know there is... but I also know that there are a lot of God's promises waiting for me on the other side of the river... and victory is guaranteed.  I just need to engage the giants and the land will be mine to claim.  I want to be like Caleb.  He eyed it, he made his goal, and he fought for his land and staked his claim... full faith, full courage, and full vigor.  I'm not afraid.

I heard this song on the radio the other day called "Dear Younger Me" by MercyMe.  It made me stop and think about what I'd say to my younger self.  What would I want to tell her?  There were definitely moments of despair where I felt like I would never find a man who'd love me or who would want me... who'd take me on... all my history and everything that I am... but I recall so many times where Jesus sat by my side in those moments of despair and reminded me that the answer to the question that Satan would always use to break my heart... "who would want you?"... is and always will be Jesus himself... and that He is more than enough to cover all my needs, all my hurts, all my pain, and every ache and groan of my heart for something more.  He is enough.  And yet, He also provides above and beyond what I can ask or think... He's provided me another man to journey alongside, to enjoy and to challenge me to grow into a new and different version of me... Tiff, the wife.

It hasn't been easy, but there's been much... opportunity... to grow and practice my faith and love.  I think I might want to tell my younger self to cherish every moment of every day.  Make the most of the time when you're single because it is just a season of life... and you've got the time and mental capacity to work out as many kinks and release as much baggage as you can before you transition into another season of life.  The less baggage you come in with, the less you hafta work through.  When I moved here for work... I felt like... man... school is finally over and now I get to work and make money... but once I started working, I felt like man... stuff just got real.  I thought school was hard.  School was protected.  Grading is "real" but it's still safe.  You get a bad grade and you basically get a do-over.  I get a bad grade now and it's real... it's on my license... it's on my record... and these are real people with real health situations.  I'm prescribing and I'm treating.  This is the big time.  It feels like this with dating as well.  When I was single, I learned and I practiced but if I messed up, it was just me and God.  We worked it out.  I maybe needed to work stuff out with someone else but it seemed pretty simple.  Nowadays, PB is here.  When I mess stuff up, it's not just say sorry and it's done.  It's every day.  I hafta change it or the problem keeps coming back over and over again in daily life and now there's someone who sees me everyday and who knows me at home or in the world and I can't get away with things anymore.  It's accountability.  And a husband is a little different... he's also a person who's got his own stuff to work through with God and now we're in it together so our issues just magnify.

OK... I've got an analogy that helps me through our conflicts.  It's the tandem bike.

Both of us have biked on our own... it's one of our favorite things to do together.  He was more a mountain biker and I'm more of a road biker.  He's left handed; I'm right handed.  You would think that putting us on a tandem would be easy since we both bike but it was not easy.  The first time we rode tandem, we were on vacation.

Riding while we were on vacation was easy.  We weren't really trying to go anywhere.  We rode along a path at a park.  It was slow and leisurely.

The second time we rode tandem, it was for a purpose.  I'd signed up for a 20 mile bike race + half marathon.  I pondered why I was so crazy in signing up for that combo when I'd never run a half marathon before and I hate running, especially long distance running.  I thought that maybe if we rode tandem, it would give me a little break... and maybe we'd finish faster so that I could start the half earlier.  I know myself and it would probably take me 1.5 hours if I rode at a leisurely pace... and if I wanted to push myself, I could do 20 miles in maybe 75 minutes... but I'd ridden tandem with a friend before and we averaged over 20 miles per hour on that thing so it was an idea worth testing out.

It turned out it was not a great idea for me and PB to do a bike race on a tandem.  It was actually really difficult.  When we were doing our leisurely ride, it didn't really matter how we started as long as we started.  When we were trying to bike for speed, it got more frustrating when he wanted to start with his left leg and I wanted to start with my right.  When we were on the tandem road bike we were also wearing bike shoes and were clipped in.  We were forced to pedal at the same cadence.  I also had a speedometer on this bike to see how "fast" we were going and we were going much slower than I anticipated.  I thought if we combined our "power", we'd yield higher speed.  Not so, my friends.  And on the back of the bike... I pretty much have no control over how we're "driving" and especially no control of how "we" were braking.

On a river trail, it's pretty flat.  The only variation is really the underpass below a bridge and it's a very small dip followed by a small climb.  My method is to accelerate during the decline and use the momentum to propel me up the incline.  His method was to stop pedaling on the decline and start pedaling on the incline.  When I got frustrated and asked why he stopped pedaling, he said he was resting, and I said, we need to go faster when we go downhill so we have enough momentum to get this big, heavy bike up the incline... (Ok I may not have said it like that, but that's what I meant to say) but it wasn't up to me.  He was in front and he was "driving" and no amount of me biking as hard as I could would make up for the fact that he stopped pedaling.  I'm not weaksauce but I physically cannot keep the tandem going on my own.

On the back of a tandem while we're on vacation... it was great.  I could take pictures... soak in the scenery... I could drink water... I could do a lot of things on the back of a bike that I wouldn't be able to do if I were on my own.  On the back of a tandem when I want to go faster than we're actually going... it was incredibly frustrating.  It was good pondering time.  I thought about why this time was so frustrating.  I gave up on the idea that racing on a tandem would be a good idea for me and PB.  I also thought about my own behavior and how difficult I was being.  Pushing him to go faster was not really working for us.  LOL.  All it did was make me more frustrated, make him more flustered, and generally make for an unpleasant bike ride.  It was ruining one of our favorite activities.  And also... he was getting tired.  He's not used to riding such a heavy bike or increasing his cadence or biking like a road biker for speed.  He wasn't used to having grip shifters and brakes or using curved handlebars.  I'm used to it, but I'm still not that great at it.  Eventually, I had to stop pushing so hard and just go with his pace.  I slowed down my cadence to match his... and I stopped complaining about how slow we were going... I started trying to encourage him.  Mostly because he was cramping, which made us go even slower, and he was overall pretty miserable.  I tried to pick up the slack and push myself to pedal harder so we could get back to the car faster but I could only do it in short bursts before my legs got too tired.  I just had to keep telling him that "we're almost there" and "you're doing great".  I couldn't care about speed anymore... just had to try to make it back to the car and hopefully not ruin him for the next bike ride.

I thought about how dating or marriage is kind of like riding a tandem.  When we're biking on our own bikes, we just need to match speed and we're OK.  We could be on different gears... high cadence on low gear or low cadence on high gear.. doesn't matter as long as our speed is similar.  Our own bikes are also much lighter than a tandem.  It's less weight to pull... and we're only pulling our own body weight.  The tandem weighs more than the combined weight of our two bikes and we need to pull each other.  On  the one hand, I don't need to "drive", but on the other hand... I need to sit back and trust his driving judgment.  I needed to submit to him and support him and not backseat drive.

The way we bike... is similar to the way we live our lives.  It's just a difference in philosophy... I will bike harder when it's easier to prepare me for incline ahead.  He will coast when it's easier and then start working harder when the incline hits.  I saw this philosophy of life come out while we were wedding planning.  I put a lot of work in at the beginning, hoping that when it came closer to the day of the wedding, everything would be done and I'd have more time to just rest.  He tended to procrastinate and he got more stuff done closer to the wedding date... and even to the very last minute or beyond a deadline.  It still ended up being OK.  People extended us a lot of grace, but it was frustrating trying to work together.  In retrospect, I can see how it helped us get things done.  When we first started wedding planning work was a lot slower for me so I had more mental capacity and time to get a lot done.  The past few weeks, work has gotten crazy and I just didn't have enough capacity to go home from work and get as much done as I used to... but then he tended to get more done towards the end.  I'm thankful that both of us aren't procrastinators and that I got so much done upfront and earlier.  It did help us in the last few weeks that I'd already laid a pretty good foundation.  Man, it was frustrating though.  Wedding planning was more like racing on a tandem.  I'm hoping that real life is gonna be more like tandem on vacation but who knows.

Being on the back of that tandem helped me realize what marriage is gonna be like.  No longer are we two single people pulling our own weight side by side.  We are going to be two people on one bike... pulling each other as one person drives.  It's not a demotion.  It's just a change in position.  I'm to be an encourager and a helper and he's to be the leader and driver.  In order for us to have a good "bike ride", we need to work together, adjust to each other, set some mutually acceptable goals and then just do it and most importantly, enjoy the ride.

Two become one.  It's hard, yo.

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride
Dear younger me, dear younger me

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed [x3]

Not sure how I want to end this post.  Wanted to say that I'm thankful for this transition in my life.  I'm thankful for PB and the conflict he brings.  I'm thankful for his grace and forgiveness when I backseat drive and then apologize later.  I'm thankful that he paid for that bike race and did it with me... and woke up super early and packed up our bikes and drove us to Long Beach.

I'm thankful for God's provision and His promises.  I'm thankful that Jesus sat with me in the pits of my despair, walks with me on the beach of leisure, and runs with me in the halls of the hospital at work.  I'm about to cross over the Jordan and marry my Promised Man.  

I wrote my future husband a letter in October of 2011.  I think I'll end with that. Thanks, younger me, for helping future me.  

Dearest Beloved,

From the deepest depths of my heart, with every fiber of my being, I want to tell you that I love you.   

I... have nothing to say to defend myself.  I've made mistakes in my past and I cannot change them.  I wish I would have been wise and respectful to you and I wish I had waited for God to bring you to me rather than to compromise for a temporary, fleeting, fleshly gain.  I implore your forgiveness for my foolishness and blatant disregard for you and your feelings.  God had already told me that He has amazing plans for me.  I'm so, so sorry I didn't believe them with full faith throughout my entire life.  I... hope that you will forgive me and accept me as I am.

I know I may not be who you imagined or who you would have wanted to marry if you ever dreamt about it when you were younger.  I know you probably would not have chosen to be the second husband to a widow... you probably would have wanted to be someone's first and last.  And I know it takes someone very special not only to love me, but to love who I love... even if it means also loving my love for my first husband, which I am not sure will ever go away.  It is a lot to ask and I do not take it lightly that you have knowingly taken this burden as part of loving and carrying me... and entrusting me to be your helper and also maybe the mother of your children and queen of your household. And yes, honey, that makes you king.  

I cannot change the past... I can only do what I can from now on to live in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ... and worthy of your love.  I hope that I will not forget... I hope that from this moment on... the commitment I am making to you today... before I see your face smiling at me from the end of the aisle... will warm your heart and reassure you that I am wholly yours.  I will not split my heart again.  I am dedicating myself to loving and pursuing our God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength... preserving what I have, allowing God to grow me, mold me, and restore me... and guarding the best of me for Him... and also for you. 

Thank you for loving me and thank you for wanting to embark on the epic adventure of life with me at your side.  I love you and I'm excited... for us.  It's gonna be awesome!

love,
Tiff

p.s. you look hot in that tux.  or suit.  or whatever you're wearing when you're reading this.  Jeans?  Pajamas?  

Bike, Work, Soap

Hello friend,

It’s been a long, long time.  For the past 7 years, I updated my blog at least once a month… to update you on the Tiff-happenings.  I haven’t written since March.  A lot has happened. 

I went to a funeral today.  My great uncle passed away on Christmas day.  It was unexpected.  It made me think.  It made me feel.  It made me wonder... if today were my last day on earth... would I regret not doing something, saying something, or reconciling something.  

I try to live everyday without regrets.  I try.  I don't always succeed.  

I started this post in May.  I added more every few months.  It's pretty crazy how much things have changed.  I wish I'd just posted the bits and pieces as I went along but I didn't so... oh well.  

I'm just going to "finish" it even though it might not really be "done".

There are seasons in our lives when we are training or preparing for something… and then there are seasons in our lives when we need to do what we’ve trained/prepared for. 

Two analogies. 

I mountain bike occasionally.  I’d like to do it more often.  I haven’t ridden a bike hardly at all since April.  There's quite a difference between saying you're a mountain biker and actually mountain biking.  It's easy to call myself a mountain biker.  It's not so easy to actually do it.  So there’s a route that I often take with a friend.  I’ve done it maybe 3-4 times.  Each time was different… but the last time I rode it… it was very different because I rode it alone.  My friend and I were supposed to meet up and go together but stuff happened and it ended up I had to start by myself.  It was scary.  I’d done it before so I knew where to go but it’s different when I’m not following someone else’s lead.  There’s also no signal during the ride.  Once I start… I have to finish otherwise my friend and I might not be able to find each other.

This particular route has some fairly decent hills.  They’re not impossible, but they’re also not super easy for a rider at my level.  I know it’s not just me… but I enjoy doing things with other people… especially working out.  I will quit so much faster when it’s just me by myself.  The route starts out fairly flat.  It isn’t so hard at first.  And then the hills start and there’s one climb after another with small breaks in between.  Every single climb everything in my body wanted to take a break.  My legs were burning, my heart was pounding… and in my mind I wanted to just unclip and stop… no one’s looking.  No one cares if I stop or not.  But I kept hearing my friend’s voice… “just take it easy.  Breathe.  Almost there.” And I also heard another friend’s voice… “push, then pull… push then pull… all the way up the hill…” and I was able to make it… one hill at a time. 

Midway up one climb… the chain came off the gears.  I’m not sure what the technical term for it is.  It hasn’t happened to me very often.  The last time my chain came off, a nice man was passing by and he put it back on for me.  I looked around… there was no nice man to help me.  It was just me.  So I put the chain back where I thought it was supposed to go.  I tried to ride again but it came off again.  I almost felt like giving up at that point… but I decided to try one more time.  I put the chain back the way I thought it should be… and I started riding again.  It stayed on this time.  And I just kept going.  

Up and up and up.  Part of me kept wondering “am I there yet?” and looking around… I had my answer.  No.  I hadn’t arrived yet.  Keep going or turn back…?  Keep going. 

Despite my loneliness... and the chain coming off twice... I actually finished that ride with a personal record.  Amazingly enough.  It didn't feel like one tho... but just because it didn't feel like it... doesn't make it any less a personal milestone.  It's a PERSONAL record.  It's a big deal for me... even if someone else could have done it 10 minute faster than me.  

Second analogy.  

I was listening to the radio and the speaker was saying how a lot of being a Christian at church is like hanging out in a toolshed on the eve of a harvest.  We can hang out in the toolshed.  Pick our tools.  Learn new techniques.  But were we meant to stop there?  Weren't we in the toolshed in the first place in order to actually go out and harvest?  There's a time to be in the toolshed... and then there's a time to take those tools, use them, and be a farmer... harvest the crop we've sown.  That is the whole point.  

I've been struggling a bit with my identity this year.  There have been moments recently where I've asked myself "who am I?" and I honestly couldn't say I recognized myself.  Struggling with my identity feels a lot like... I'm standing in a dark room.  I can't see anything.  I can't feel anything.  There's just a whole lot of nothing.  I'm going with the flow of... something... that I don't even know.  

I am a nurse practitioner.

When you're in school to be a nurse practitioner... it's hard... but it's still protected.  I had plenty of meltdowns in nursing school.  I left clinicals crying my way home.  This past April... I cried at work... in the middle of a meeting with my preceptor and my director... as they were trying to tell me how to be better at my job.  It hit me in the middle of the meeting that I was in the middle of remediation.  Which meant that I was about to fail at my job.  I've never really failed at anything.  

The first month I started working there was a record low in the number of surgeries we had.  I think we only had 7 surgeries the entire month.  That meant that my preceptor and my surgeon could spend more time teaching me and showing me things.  It was amazingly good timing for me.  

The second month I started working, it got really busy.  We had 21 surgeries.  Seeing as we try not to do surgery on the weekends, that meant that there was at least 1 surgery per day that I was working.  For the most part though, the patients were fairly healthy.  It was pretty quick turnaround.  Got 'em in... got 'em out.  Since the volume of work was so heavy, and also since I was still so new... my preceptor slowly gave me more and more responsibility, but we worked together.  Side by side.  I got a crash course in what it looks like when my job is busy.  I got a chance to put into practice what I had learned theoretically the previous month.

In the months to follow, my work got "easier".  Or more like I was starting to get used to it.  Things were fairly manageable... and then April hit and we got SUPER DUPER busy.  We had a record high 31 surgeries in April.  That meant that there was at least one surgery everyday... oftentimes two in a day.  My cardiac surgery ICU only has 4 beds in it.  If I'm receiving two surgeries a day for multiple days in a row... it got harder and harder to find space for the patients.  And our patients were really sick.  Many of them needed more than our usual 2 days in the ICU.  I had patients everywhere.  And more coming.  It was in the middle of April that I found myself completely and totally overwhelmed with my workload.  I really couldn't handle it.  In the middle of that meeting... I had a meltdown.  I cried.  Pretty hard.  The overwhelming sense of failure was oppressive.  And not only that... having my director and preceptor tell me, in a VERY nice way, that I need to do better... was almost like adding a crushing weight on top of an already oppressive situation.

At the end of the meeting... I had a whole big list of things I needed to do in order to do my job better.  And... the only choice I had was... to just do it.  My superiors made it very clear to me that they wanted me to do well and they wanted me to succeed.  I could take their feedback in two ways... (1) let it crush me (2) let it make me better.  I chose to listen, put into practice what they told me, and just TRY to do my job better.  I wasn't sure that I would actually BE better but I could try.  So I did.

I had moments during that month when I felt really lost.  I felt like I was drowning in my work.  It was hard to smile.  It was hard to do anything other than put my head down and just work, work, work as much as I could.  I can barely remember what happened in April.

The following month we had another 21 surgery month.  It got better.  I heard their voices telling me what I needed to do.  And at our next remediation meeting, they both told me that I'm doing a lot better.  Praise Jesus.  I'm thankful that things got better fairly quickly.  I was talking to one of the charge nurses a few weeks ago.  She told me that when I first started, she thought I wasn't going to last.  But she said that recently, it's gotten a lot better and she said she could see us working together as a team.  While it was somewhat shocking to hear someone else see me like that... it was reassuring that she verbalized that she saw a change and that it was for the better.

I still have a LOT to learn in my role... but I think that things have gotten a lot better at work.  April and May were like trial by fire.  Thankfully things slowed down a little after that and I could process a little more.

Things got crazy again in October and November.  December has been a little bit better but all in all, work has been pretty tiring.  I'm still learning a lot everyday and whenever I have a particularly difficult day... I have to stop myself any chance I get... even if it's on my rare potty breaks... to close my eyes, take a breath and remember... that it is a great big blessing to have a job.  And also... if it were super easy, they wouldn't need to pay me this much to do it.  Choosing to be thankful has been a  good way to anchor myself to what is true... which is that I don't deserve anything... and that every good gift comes from above.

Speaking of gifts... if you've been on my facebook any time in the past 7 months, you'll notice another big transition in my life.  I started dating.  I guess I'd been going on dates for the past few years but now... for the first time in a long time... I have a boyfriend.  And it has been a beautiful gift from God.

I am a girlfriend.

If there were ever a time where you could say that stuff got real... it would be in a new relationship.

Let me just say that dating in your 30's is a lot different from dating in your 20's.  Or maybe it's because I'm different now in my 30's... and not nearly the same person as I was in my 20's.

Anyway... I think PB came into my life with beautiful timing.  During my first round of work hardships... he was there for me.  He didn't know me that well, but he took me out on dates... he planned fun things for us to do... and at the time, it was enough to distract me from the craziness of work.  Now that he knows me better and things have gotten crazy at work again... he's able to be a rock for me and to help protect and cover me throughout the workday and also afterwards when I need to just vent or cry or talk (or not talk) about the workday.  He might hear jibberish since he knows very little about what goes on in a hospital... but he listens.  And I like the sound of his voice.  He is the friend that came into my life when I was navigating through rough waters.  And now we're trying to figure out how to navigate life together.

Navigating life with another person in the boat has been a challenging adjustment, but it's been worthwhile.  I've learned a lot about myself.  I've learned a lot about relationships and marriage.

One of the most important lessons I've learned is that making decisions based on wisdom and character is more worthwhile than making decisions based on my feelings.  Feelings are important, but they come and go.  Being wise about my decisions means I need to be rooted in the source of all wisdom as much as possible and also collaborate with other wise people to help me figure out the wisest course of action.

Discernment.

There were moments in the relationship where I had no idea what I should do.  I didn't know whether or not I was supposed to continue in the relationship or to leave it behind.  Things were difficult.  Conflicts seemed to be everywhere and I didn't know if we'd ever agree on a resolution.  At some point... I became so conflicted that I got angry.  I was frustrated.  I didn't know what else to do so I lashed out in anger.  For 3 days straight.  I yelled.  I was difficult.  I was argumentative and unyielding.  And I hated being that way.  I was just so tired of being sad, but being angry didn't help at all.  I ended those 3 days feeling worse about myself and about the relationship.  And then... there was the soap.

So... My friend gave me this interesting kind of soap from that fancy soap store "lush" or something like that. It's supposed to be a mix between shower gel and a bar of soap but it feels a lot like a jello jiggler that you're supposed to rub on your body like a bar of soap. It's also this ugly shade of poop brown and smells like candy. Anyway. I was thinking about trashing it and buying normal body wash but I haven't. I've been using it because I didn't want to waste it. And today I showered with the loofah mittens and grabbed the jello soap and after a while the mittens became soapy and I didn't have to rub the weird jello soap all over my body cuz there was enough soapy transfer onto the mittens so I could take a normal shower. 

And because a picture is worth a thousand words... That's the shower jelly. It looks disgusting.

As weird as it sounds... I feel like maybe my boyfriend (or any other situation where things weren't what I expected...) is my weird jello soap. Maybe I just need to change my perspective on it even jf it is just for this season. It is still soap and it will still serve its function. Just need to figure out how to work with it and not get hung up on the weird things about it. Even though I might not have bought this soap for myself... Maybe in this season where I don't have normal soap... I can figure out how to use the weird soap so it's not just sitting around doing nothing... It's serving its purpose.

After I had my soap realization... I decided that I was going to make the most out of the relationship. I wouldn't waste it.  I would learn what I could... I would make the most impact possible... I would love with all I had in me... I would try and behave in a manner where if I looked back on this season of my life, I wouldn't regret what I'd done or said... and most of all, I would try to enjoy the relationship as much as possible.  Regardless of what happened... if we continued the relationship or ended it... I wanted it to be a good experience for the both of us.  I wanted for both of us to get through this season convinced that it was worthwhile and beneficial and if we ended it, we'd end it together knowing that separating ourselves would be the best and wisest course of action.

That was the turning point.  It wasn't necessarily about streamlining the journey to get to the destination... it was about enjoying the process and soaking up everything I could along the way.

When things get hard, I realize that I do hear wisdom coming to me and telling me what to do.  Forgive.  Discern.  Love.  Extend grace.  Be clear.  Communicate.  I might not know exactly how each specific situation will resolve, but I do know how I want my actions to be characterized by.  I want them to be full of love and grace.

I'm so tired now.  I'm not even sure if anything made sense but this post has been sitting in my drafts for 9 months so I'll just post it... if anything so I can finally start a new one.

Hope you all are well...
Love,
Tiff