I was sitting on the couch yesterday and realized... there's a tiny human sleeping on my chest. This tiny human used to be inside my belly and now she's outside... how amazing.
Before my daughter was born, we called her Strawberry. It was actually kind of an inside joke between me and my husband because he doesn't like strawberries so I joked that I would name our daughter Strawberry so he would have to say, "I love Strawberry!" Eventually, that's what we came to refer to her as. We still call her that sometimes.
It's been a few weeks since Strawberry (AKA Evangeline Grace Wong) was served her eviction notice by my OB. We thought the eviction would go smoothly. My OB even let her stay in a week longer than she intended because everything seemed to be going so well. Everything ended up okay but there were a few hairy moments right after she was born. I'll just start writing my thoughts from the day before the induction.
I was overdue. She was supposed to come somewhere around 9/3/17 but that day came and went... and nothing happened. Day after day... nothing happened. Thursday early morning, I thought my water broke. I woke up in a little puddle and my underwear was all wet... but more didn't come and I didn't have any contractions. We debated going to the hospital. We actually had planned on getting breakfast together since my husband was going to take the day off work. We went to breakfast and then I decided we should just go to the hospital to get checked out. Couldn't hurt. They checked me and they said my water hadn't broken yet. They called the OB to see if she wanted to induce me on Thursday instead of Friday as scheduled... but she said no and to let me go home and come back the next morning.
I was doing everything I could that entire week to start labor naturally but it seemed like Strawberry just didn't want to come out. I wondered if this was going to be her personality. I wondered what she was going to be like. I wondered what labor would feel like. I recently looked at my Safari browser history and kind of smiled at all the web pages I looked up the night before the induction. "What does labor feel like?" "How to induce labor naturally" "What does your water breaking feel like?" "What does a mucous plug look like?" Etc. etc. I couldn't sleep. I kept wondering what everything was going to be like. I definitely didn't anticipate it going down like it did.
Friday morning, we woke up around 5 something and made it to the hospital 10 minutes before 6am. We checked in to the hospital... got situated in our room... met the night shift nurse... and then the day shift nurse. They started an IV. I hadn't had an IV in me since... I was really young. I think I had an oral surgery when I was maybe 10? They started the Pitocin at 2 and said they would go up by 2 every 30 minutes. I didn't feel a thing. She got up to 10 and I think the contractions were coming too quickly so she backed it down to 8 and left it there. It was maybe 11am and I started to feel twinges of something. If this is what labor is... it isn't so bad... or so I thought at the time.
I wasn't opposed to getting the epidural. I did want to see how it felt before deciding one way or the other. Around 12 pm, the pain started getting more intense. I made a whole bunch of essential oil roller balls labeled with what to use them for. There were some oils I made for pain, back labor, peacefulness... I tried them... but I don't know if any essential oil could stand up to the effects of pitocin and/or the fact that God told Eve that as a result of her disobedience in the garden of Eden that the pain in childbirth would be greatly increased. In fact, that phrase kept playing over and over again in my mind with every contraction. "I will greatly increase your pain in childbirth". I tried to think positive thoughts. I tried to tell myself, "you can do this... it's only temporary" but for reals, all I could think about was, "I will greatly increase your pain in childbirth". I thought it might have been God, but actually maybe it was the Pitocin in the IV that was taunting me the whole time.
I'm not sure what regular childbirth feels like. Labor with Pitocin was absolutely the worst pain I'd ever experienced. I thought I was going to either pass out or die with every contraction. I threw up a few times. As I was throwing up, I remembered that someone in the past... maybe in nursing school... told me not to give the patient red jello because sometimes you can't really tell if they're bleeding or not. I had red jello and it came up. I was pretty sure I wasn't bleeding though.
It was maybe 2pm and I was pondering whether or not I should get the epidural... or at least a pain pill or something. By then, I was just looking forward to when the contractions would let up so I could rest or breathe again. And then another would come. I was thankful the doula was there. It was helpful to have someone explain what was going on in a calm voice. She suggested a lot of position changes. Thankfully, I was on the wireless monitor so I was able to move around on my own and go to the bathroom without having to get all tangled in the wires. I was the first person my nurse had used the wireless monitor on. She said they just got them in a few days ago.
Sometime around 3pm the pain was so unbearable I was seriously thinking about pain relief, but they checked me and said that I was 8cm dilated... almost there... I knew that if I got the epidural, the labor could be delayed and I just wanted her out of me ASAP so I figured... I'll just stick it out a little bit longer and it'll be done. My doula suggested I go sit on the toilet to help open up my pelvis a little bit more... so that's what we did. I labored on the toilet for a while... I don't know how long. Then the nurse came in and said that the baby was off the monitor. I was sweating from head to toe and hunched on the toilet so I wasn't surprised that the monitor leads were falling off. The contractions were coming so fast that it was difficult to find a time to get me back to the bed so they could put the monitor on. Once I did get back to bed, it was all chaos from then on out. They told me later on that they couldn't find her heartbeat and when they did, it was around 60. Maybe 20 people rushed into the room and everyone was yelling at me... get on all 4's! Put your head down! Get on your back! Scoot to the edge of the bed! I was in so much pain, I just did what the loudest voice told me to do. They said they were going to use the vacuum. And then my OB ran in and told me to push. Then she told me to push without screaming. So I did.
It was maybe 4 pushes and then she was out. The pain went from like a level 15 to maybe level 2... and I just closed my eyes and rested in bed. I thought people said that once you see the baby, you don't remember the pain anymore. I'm pretty sure once the baby was out, the pain just went away. They didn't put her on my chest right away. They took her to the heater thing across the room. I wondered if something was wrong. I did hear her crying. I heard someone say they were thinking of taking her to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) but that they were waiting for someone to do something. I was so thirsty. I asked for a popsicle. My OB said I could have 10 popsicles for getting through an induction without the epidural. I just wanted a popsicle... and some Lays original potato chips. They gave me saltine crackers instead.
Halfway through the saltine crackers, I started to feel nauseous. They started asking me questions... asking what my doctor's name was... where am I... I was able to answer them. I was just so tired. And I was still in the labor room. I thought we were supposed to go to another room...
I asked why we were still in this room. They told me my blood pressure was low. I asked how low. They said... well... it's in the 70's and 80's but they did see it go as low as 69. Oh my. They had already given me 2 liters of fluid but my OB told me that I was super swollen. She'd just seen me two days prior and I didn't look like this. I didn't know what I looked like. Probably terrible. And I was hungry. So hungry.
The OB made a deal with me... if I let them put a central line in me, she'd let me have a banana. I signed the consent. For a banana. Just kidding. They transferred me to the ICU. In the next 24 hours (in no particular order), I got an echocardiogram, lower extremity Doppler, spiral CT, pelvic CT, 2 units of blood, a femoral central line, a Foley catheter, a whole bunch of labs... a whole bunch of failed IV start attempts... maybe some other stuff... but I did get that banana. And Strawberry never had to go to the NICU.
I barely got to see my baby the first few days in the hospital. They brought her up to the ICU a few times a day. They told me to rest and that I needed to take care of myself. I was on bed rest... so I couldn't go anywhere. All I remember doing was sleeping and pumping. And I remember the pain. Felt like someone had taken a bat to my groin area... and sometimes it also felt like someone had stabbed me down there and left the knife in. If I was really still, there wouldn't be any pain. The moment I tried to move, the pain would hit me. I think I got a few Motrin here and there.
After the second day in the ICU, they took the central line out, took out the foley, got me up in a chair and eating... and then transferred me to the high risk maternity unit. I guess I was high risk. I felt much better. I walked for the first time in a few days.
Aaaaand... that's where I left off. It's now September of 2018 and rereading my birthing story... I still remember it so vividly. I guess it was only a year ago but I still remember. I remember the pain. I remember the "baby blues". I remember what it felt like to breastfeed the first few months... if my heart stops one day and I'm lucky enough to have someone defibrillate me, I wonder if I'll be conscious enough to feel what it's like to have electricity slamming your body with enough Joules to restart that brilliantly designed... hunk of muscle that has been beating nonstop since I was just a blob of cells organizing myself into a human in my mom's belly. Anyway. That's what I thought breastfeeding felt like... getting defibrillated every few hours for the first month of my baby's life. Thankfully it doesn't hurt anymore. Except when you have a clogged duct or when your baby scratches you with her razor sharp fingernails.
I've wanted to write many times since the baby was born... but what could I say that hadn't already been said a million times before? My journey is not new... it's not special... it's been fairly... uneventful and yet so full of blessings and miracles... healing and joy.
Joshua 4
4 Then Joshua called the twelve men whom he had appointed from the children of Israel, one man from every tribe; 5 and Joshua said to them: “Cross over before the ark of the Lord your God into the midst of the Jordan, and each one of you take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, 6 that this may be a sign among you when your children ask in time to come, saying, ‘What do these stones mean to you?’ 7 Then you shall answer them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord; when it crossed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. And these stones shall be for a memorial to the children of Israel forever.”
9 Then Joshua set up twelve stones in the midst of the Jordan, in the place where the feet of the priests who bore the ark of the covenant stood; and they are there to this day.18 And it came to pass, when the priests who bore the ark of the covenant of the Lord had come from the midst of the Jordan, and the soles of the priests’ feet touched the dry land, that the waters of the Jordan returned to their place and overflowed all its banks as before.19 Now the people came up from the Jordan on the tenth day of the first month, and they camped in Gilgal on the east border of Jericho. 20 And those twelve stones which they took out of the Jordan, Joshua set up in Gilgal. 21 Then he spoke to the children of Israel, saying: “When your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, ‘What are these stones?’ 22 then you shall let your children know, saying, ‘Israel crossed over this Jordan on dry land’; 23 for the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan before you until you had crossed over, as the Lord your God did to the Red Sea, which He dried up before us until we had crossed over, 24 that all the peoples of the earth may know the hand of the Lord, that it is mighty, that you may fear the Lord your God forever.”
One of my devotionals recently had talked about these memorial stones. The devotional struck deep in my heart for a few reasons. First, the imagery of crossing over the Jordan has been incredibly impactful in my life. It taught me what faith is. When I was at ANY major crossroads in my life, I imagined myself standing on one side of the Jordan river... gazing over at the promised land and awaiting my turn to cross. When I was young, all I saw was milk and honey... didn't pay attention to the giants not because I had great faith, but probably because my eyes were blinded. As I grew older and I thought that life with Anderson was my promised land... I was stopped short yet again. I was gifted a glimpse of an abundant life, but sent back... forever changed. In my widowhood, I felt like my back was to the promised land and all I could see was dry, barren desert. There were moments where I had no resolve to even hold up my head... my eyes were fixed to the ground... not knowing when or if I would ever get to cross over. Was this to be my life? Single until the day I join Anderson in the clouds? It was a battle to wait. The years felt long... but the promises and the blessings did not take long to fulfill once my time had come.
Crossing the Jordan river and entering into the promised land with my promised man happened quickly. Evangeline Grace Wong also came very quickly. And now... it's a different kind of battle... the battle to claim the victory that has already been promised me. Does it even feel like a battle when you know that stepping out with your sword in faith means that you're already going to win?
Going back to the memorial stones... Joshua set up stones in the middle of the Jordan river when they were crossing over on dry land... and then again on the other side in the promised land. Once the Israelites crossed over and the priests' soles hit the bank of the Jordan, the waters began flowing again and covered up the rocks set up on the riverbed. It's OK though... because there's an identical set on dry ground. When my children ask me about the rocks on the dry ground, I am to point their eyes towards the Jordan and remind them of the rocks that are there... the ones they cannot see, but have faith that they are there. Those rocks are to remind our children and our children's children about how God delivered us out of slavery from Egypt through miracles and plagues... and then years and years of waiting... with more miracles throughout... and more miracles by parting the red sea... and another miracle in parting the Jordan river so we could enter into our inheritance in this promised land. The memorial stones hit me hard because... now I have a child who will grow up and who I WANT to ask me about these stones that are out in plain view. I want her to ask me what they mean and I want to share my stories with her... about these stones and the stones of the past that are hidden under the water. She won't be able to see them, but she will know they are there... I hope.
Motherhood has been a very new and different adventure in my life. Most of the time it's a lot of mundane repetition. It's a lot of work and sacrifice... and I can't even complain because I have a pretty good baby. I do sometimes feel lost though. When you're forging a new identity... you could start wiping something clean and then forget what it looked like before... and then have moments of terror when you think that perhaps who you were before has been lost forever.
These rocks... are my anchors. They're heavy but they also keep me grounded. Who I was is never lost because who I am cannot be taken away. The essence of my spirit, my character, my heart... is hidden deep in the heart of my Heavenly Father who uses the pressure and fire to mold me into something new all the time. To wipe me clean is to purify me and get rid of the buildup which can block my true self from shining through. Yielding to His loving touch is bringing out the woman God created me to be.
I wish I could go into more detail about the rocks and what they are but I think I'm getting lost in the symbolism and I really just want to become the kind of woman that my daughter looks up to and wants to be like. I want to be her exemplar and I want all my stones to become the stones which she will use to step on so that she will not have to make the same mistakes I did/do in this life. Day to day, it's hard to know whether or not I am becoming this mother that I envision for my daughter since sometimes I really am just trying to survive.
Sometimes when she's awake, I long for her to sleep and give me a break. And most of the time while she's asleep and after I've done a semi-justifiable amount of housework/cleaning... I lay there and stare at her rolling around her bed on the monitor or look at pictures and videos of her on my phone... wishing she were awake so I could squeeze her or see her laugh and discover life in real time again. It is a blessing and a privilege that I have the time to stay home with her most of the week. It is a blessing that my parents did not have when I was growing up... and it is a privilege that has been afforded to me because I have such a steady rock of a husband to lean on. More rock imagery.
I'm also on the verge of another chapter of my life. I've started my first nursing instructor job. It was all kind of whirlwind and there are crazy stories of God's provision and blessing to open this door for me... but looking back... I feel like that's just what God does in my life. Things I never expected to happen... blessings I didn't even ask for that come pouring out on me... maybe I do some battles here and there to get where I am, but it also really does feel like all I had to do was show up or unsheath a sword and my enemies are slain. How has my life been so victorious despite all that could have happened or maybe should have happened? I don't know... but I do know God and I know His grace. Every single good and perfect gift in my life is from God and there are so, so many. I've only met my students once so far, but a few of them have shared their stories of why they decided they wanted to be a nurse and I have been floored by them thus far. The width and depth of their hearts and their unique life experiences which have brought them to where they are today are nothing short of amazing. I am so privileged to have crossed into their journey in this season/semester. I hope that I will be able to help them shine as new nurses... they're already so brilliantly and masterfully created.
So I haven't written in forever... because no words came when I wanted to write... and now that I'm typing, it seems like the words just won't stop coming even though it kind of feels like a lot of scattered nonsense.
Will my children rise up and call me blessed? Will I have more than one child? Who knows. Right now, I hope that I love God with my everything so that whatever love I give is God's... that her first experience with love is the love her parents share with each other and that overflows onto her life... that our love would point her towards Jesus and that she would one day build her own relationship with Jesus... that she will be able to see and tangibly feel the rocks of my life and that they would further anchor her to Jesus and not become baggage or sins that get passed down from one generation to the next. I don't even know if any of this is interesting to anyone else but me but I will post it anyway so it doesn't stay in my drafts for another year.
Dear Strawberry,
You haven't been in my life for very long but I cannot imagine life without you. My favorite moments with you are in the mornings when you wake up all happy and content, ready to explore the world. Every new and amusing thing you come across, you always look for me to see if I'm also seeing what you're seeing... and I smile back at you not because of what you discovered but because the delight in your eyes and your desire to share it with me melts my heart and fills it with a joy I've never experienced before.
At times, I wonder why you always need to be touching me or why when I put you down, you cry in protest. And then I try to remember that this closeness and intimacy that you desire with me is something that I need with Jesus too. Maybe you don't know yet that even though I'm not inches away from you, that I am still there. And maybe I need to learn how to cling to Jesus like you cling to me. Every hurt and every bit of "pain" you experience somehow dissipates when you find your way into my arms. The security you find in my arms reminds me of the security I also need in the arms of my heavenly father.
The mornings are my favorite because whatever sins or frustrations we fell asleep with are forgotten. I can tell that by the look on your face in the morning that the slate is clean again. I can also learn from you not to bring the sins of yesterday into today. I should go to sleep now... because going to sleep now will help the mornings with my baby come faster.
Momma loves you, my dear Strawberry. You are my sunshine. Your smile brings healing to so many around you. I hope you continue to heal relationships and guide people towards love and joy for the rest of your life.
See you soon,
love,
Momma
