Last night was a horrible night. I was OK for the most part after we left the hospital, but once I got into bed... the reality of it all just came crashing down on me. I felt empty. Like my heart and my lungs weren't there anymore... it was just an empty void in my chest. I cried hysterically again. And I called my mom. We cried together. And then my brother told stories about the dog to cheer us up. It helped. I slept.
This morning I woke up in a different room. No monitors, no doctors or nurses... but no husband. I laid there for a while staring at the ceiling fan. What to do with myself now?
A song that's been in my head since yesterday:
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory
I sang it to Anderson in my head. I'm so thankful for the hope that we have in Jesus. The hope that I will see my beloved again. The hope that we will spend an eternity together with God in all joy and happiness.
All our happiness these past 3 years have been marred by intense sorrow. We have had immeasurable joy and oneness... but I look forward to the day where there is no little tugging in the back of my mind... that this will be the last time we will be doing this together... this could be the last time we have moments like this. I look forward to an eternity of beautiful moments and new things to share with my Anderson and my God.
As much as I've needed Anderson to get through this... I think he needed me as well. He needed me to help him live in the moment and not wait for things to get better (back when he was depressed). He needed me to "rush" him to do things NOW and not put them off. He needed me to tell him the cold, hard truth... that we make the most of what we've got right now because we might not have it tomorrow. He always says that I saved his life. So many times, he's said it. I don't think I ever said it back to him... but I think he maybe... he already knew.
He knew me and loved me so much more than I loved him. He always said that he loved me more and I never wanted to believe that... but it's true. This man was able to peer into my heart, understand my needs and my desires... and take care of me. When he realized that he wasn't going to be able to do so much longer... he asked others to care for me.
My husband. My beautiful husband. I wish... you didn't have to go so soon.