Sunday, July 26, 2009

Day 4

I didn't dream about him last night. I woke up sad and I cried. I laid there for a while trying to remember ANYTHING I dreamt about and I couldn't.

Yesterday, I had so much to tell him. I had a pretty busy day. I was kept occupied by my family and friends in Houston. I wanted to crawl into bed with him and just tell him about it. I think I'm going to start a journal to him soon. I wanted to tell him about my day, about my thoughts... about how I felt about things. I miss hearing what he'd say to me. He always asked me why I always had so much to say right before he's about to go home or right as he was about to fall asleep or hang up the phone. Maybe I need that extra push... a little reminder that our time together is about to end before all the words come spilling out. How... true.

He'd always surprise me with the things he said to me. Sometimes it was funny, sometimes it was just matter of fact... and sometimes it was correction. It took us two years of dating before we got to a point where we could tell each other what bothered us about one another... without a big ol' fight. I think that was the point where our relationship started to get exponentially better; when we began to teach each other and change.

It was mostly me that had to do the learning. He had a few things I complained about here and there but for the most part, I needed a lot of correction. Darn him for being such a good person. Eh, it was for the best. I don't think my pride could have handled always having to correct him. If you know him, he had a way with words. Being in business... it really helped that he was a smooth talker. I used to think that it was lying or manipulation. Maybe it was. I can't think of any other time he smooth-talked... the last time was probably when he tried to get the nurse to let us walk around the hospital at 2am. Anyway, he also had a way with words... to me. When we first made the agreement that we would tell each other what bothered us about each other right at the moment, he really unloaded on me. It got to a point where I had to tell him to limit himself to 2-3 things MAX per day because I couldn't handle so much all at once. It got better though. The sting of correction became less and less painful over time. Now I miss it. Who's gonna make sure that I'm being a good person... a good daughter, and especially a good daughter-in-law now?

11-12 The right word at the right time
is like a custom-made piece of jewelry,
And a wise friend's timely reprimand
is like a gold ring slipped on your finger. (Prov 25)

If that's the case, then I'm covered in bling.

Here's another one that reminded me of him

15 Patient persistence pierces through indifference;
gentle speech breaks down rigid defenses. (Prov 25)

A friend in high school once told me that I was like a rock... in that I was solid, consistent, and showed little emotion. I've heard it many times that other people (females especially) were intimidated by me at first partly because I don't change my expression much when I talk. For those of you who are sad that you never got to know me better... don't blame yourself. I'm not easy to get to know. My own mother tells me not to shut her out of my life.

Another friend and I were emailing about our similar personality traits and also those who are completely opposite of us... those people who are liked and loved almost immediately when people meet them (like Anderson)... compared to us who are more acquired tastes and take a lot longer for people to warm up to us. I compared us to fruits and vegetables. Everyone likes fruits... they're pretty, they're sweet, just plain yummy and they're good for you right up front. Not everyone likes vegetables. They're generally uglier, tough, rough, and bitter-tasting, but they are also... good for you. They just need to be cooked first.

If you knew Anderson, you'd definitely agree that he was patient and persistent with gentle speech. And if you know me from the outside, I'm more indifferent with rigid defenses. He was my knife and my slow cooker.... cutting me up and softening me so I'd be suitable to "eat". I miss him. I miss him a lot.

Yesterday, I got a pedicure with my mom, my aunt, and my sister-in-law. The nail lady (what's the term... cosmetologist?) saw my rings and asked if I was married. I instinctively said yes. She said how long. I said 6 months. Any kids? No. She said... ok, not yet, huh? I kind of gave her a weak smile and I looked away. I guess I'm not ready to say it out loud yet.

I'm not sure for how much longer I'll be having these thoughts... or for how much longer it's appropriate for me to keep putting them out there. Please feel free to unsubscribe yourself from the google group so you won't get emailed every time I post.

1 comment:

  1. awww tiff...i miss him too i think about him everyday...
    try to think of happy thoughts you had with him :)