Monday, August 17, 2009

Day 25 - Heart Aches

Heartache. Heart Ache.

I don't know who first said it, but it is spot on. How can emotional pain manifest in physical pain? Nothing is physically "wrong" with me, but when I remember Anderson... there is a spot in the middle of my chest that tightens... almost to the point where it's hard to breathe. My heart hurts. It aches. Heartache.

Even the dictionary defines heartache as "anguish of the mind". I searched it on Wikipedia [because I know if it's on wikipedia it MUST be true... (read heavy sarcasm here just in case)] and although there isn't much of an entry on heartache, the first link was that it may relate to "love sickness".

I think that love and heartache go hand in hand. Your heart can't ache if you didn't first love. I keep thinking about heartache. Nay. I keep feeling heartache. The depth of my heartache is equal to the depth of my love and I loved with all my heart and every fiber of my being.

But still. What does the world know of heartache? I could be wrong, but I feel like you must have experienced love before you can experience heartache. I would never dare to say that I have loved anyone with perfect love. I don't think I'm capable. So... love. We love because He first loved us. And I'm talking about God here. Just in case.
This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person's failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him. John 3:16-18 The Message
God is love. That is who He is. Everything about Him oozes love. Oozes. I just said God Hm. But it's true. Everything anyone knows about love... God authored, invented, holds the patent, and everyone else's is a cheap imitation of the original genius. The love between parents and their child... the purest, most natural love that ever existed here on earth... Adam and Eve were God's first children and all of us came from them.

One who knows true love, knows true heartache. Why do we ache? From death? From abandonment? From betrayal? Hurtful words? A slap in the face? Stab in the back? God has endured all those things and more... from us... all of his children and most of all, when He sacrificed His only Son to pay the price for our sins... to ensure that we'll be paid for and enter into God's heaven.

I intended to just write a post about my pain. Obviously... my thoughts have grown past that original notion and I'm actually starting to work through the pain I'm going through right now just by reorienting... or re-focusing... myself on God amidst my pain. It's like writing this stuff is like giving myself a pep talk. Am I my own therapist sometimes? Maybe.

Somehow... I don't feel so bad anymore. Knowing that God knows what I'm feeling and that He's endured far worse and far more for SOOOOO much longer than me... I almost feel dumb for feeling the way I do. But to each his own. God would never belittle my pain and brag about how much more He's suffered than me. He empathizes. And knowing that He who has endured and overcome immeasurable pain... too much for any human to bear... still carries me in the palm of His hand and He'll never leave me... it gives me a lot of comfort... and the strength to go on another day.

Sorry I failed at writing a downer post. I tried. I just couldn't do it. Sometimes I wonder if people wonder if I'm doing badly and just writing good and happy things to cover it up. Sometimes I wonder if people wonder if I'm being sad for too long or happy too quickly. I guess there's no such time frame on grieving and I shouldn't worry about what other people think. These are my thoughts for today.

1 comment:

  1. i don't think you're being too happy or too sad or fake. :) i actually really value all the ups and downs and paradoxes you share. reminds me of a recent post from dennis tuma:

    Dear friend,

    We seldom travel in anything but first or second gear these days. Ironically, slower is faster. When we lived hard and fast in fifth gear we would drop at the ends of days, weeks, months. We would frequently wonder, "What happened this year?"

    Well, we aren't running much now. We are embracing a simpler, slower life. Wonderful things are happening.

    Our relationships are richer. Chats with our kids are more real, heart felt, joyful. The internal pressure to push hard has lost its hold on us. Our humor has returned. We've laughed more in the last two months (and cried more) than in the last two years.

    Cancer, the life stealer, has become a life giver. Go figure.

    Thank you God for this ugly disease. We are becoming more beautiful as a result.

    -Dennis and Vivien

    P.S. God, please take this despicable disease away. We know, we know. We're full of contradictions.