Day 33

I still wonder "why me?"

I look at all our pictures and we were so happy. So full of life. I look at the pictures and I remember back to the day it was taken... and it's a bittersweet moment where I'm happy for the younger-Tifferson, but also heartbroken because I know how our lives together (on earth) came to such an abrupt end.

Sometimes I just want to go back to those days. I wish I could. Go back and enjoy the moments all over again. I was watching Star Trek First Contact (yes, I'm a semi-trekky-geek) last night and I totally wish that there were holodecks in real life sometimes. For those of you who haven't heard of a holodeck... it's a simulated reality room that uses holograms to recreate scenes in a book... do training simulations... it's fake but it seems so real. I guess I don't want to be stuck in the past. I just miss my favorite person.

Sometimes I have a headache or a pain in my neck and I'm like half excited thinking what if it's cancer or something. When I forget things or mix up words, sometimes I wonder if I have brain damage or a tumor and I'm almost happy at the thought. I don't really want to die, but in a way... I kinda wouldn't mind. Life here is hard. It's got a lot of joy and blessings but nothing compared to life in heaven.

To come to Thee is to come home from exile, to come to land out of the raging storm, to come to rest after long labour, to come to the goal of my desires and the summit of my wishes. -Charles Spurgeon [from Randy Alcorn's Heaven. Dunno how long it's gonna take me to finish reading it but I'm going to try...thanks Julia. :) ]

Sometimes I just want to skip to the end. It's not even the "end"... I want to skip to the new beginning. I want to skip to the promise of glorified bodies, uninhibited fellowship with God and His children, no more tears, no more pain, no more of THIS. And I wanna see my Anderson again. I wanna meet the people I've only read about. All the cool people in the Bible...and God and JESUS... man, it's gonna be so awesome.

Going through Streams in the Desert right now and I really like it. Reading these kinds of daily devotional readings is like reading someone's old school blog. Twice in the past few weeks there have been entries about waiting on God and they've both spoken to me pretty deeply.

The entry from Aug 16 talked about how God uses the pauses in life just as much as movement. You need the rests. Just like in music how if there were never any rests, it would just go on and on and on and you'd get tired just listening. The rests allow you to appreciate when things start up again.

It requires much more courage to stand and wait and still not lose heart or lose hope, to submit to the will of God, to give up opportunities for work and leave honors to others, and to be quiet, confident, and rejoicing while the busy multitude goes happily along their way.

Faithfulness. It's so important. Faithfulness when things are rough and faithfulness when things are going well... and most of all, faithfulness when nothing seems to be happening at all.

And the entry from Aug 23 talked about faith and about how Abraham obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going (Hebrews 11:8). It also talked about how when you're going somewhere by boat (yeah this is an OLD book), you can't see your final destination, but you keep going, your keep checking your progress and direction by the sun and the stars and then you end up exactly where you intended to be.

Waiting on God brings us to the end of our journey much faster than our feet.

So yeah. Even when I feel like speeding things up a little bit, I get reminders that I need to wait and that waiting is a good thing when you're waiting on God.

Lots to do now that school's started up again. I have a lot of online classes so I'm gonna need a lot of discipline to get through those well. Better get to bed.