Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Day 41

I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him. Everywhere I go and everything I do... I feel his absence in my life.

I can't imagine a day when a memory will flash and my heart doesn't churn and writhe. The pain isn't as intense as it once was, but it's still there. I still exhale silent cries.

I know why I push myself to exhaustion night after night. It's so I can go to bed and fall asleep right away. Once I'm asleep, I stay asleep. It's those moments right before I fall asleep that are super sensitive and emotional. For 80-90% of the day, you can ask me how I'm doing and I'll tell you that I'm OK. Actually, if I have company right before I sleep, I'll be distracted enough to say that I'm OK too. It's when I'm by myself and alone in bed... it dawns on me every few days that I'm not OK. Not yet.

Something I read today...
...suffering opens our eyes to the true values of life and dispels many a deceitful dream
My previous post on Day 40 went over my true values of life... my deceitful dreams dispelled are... security in earthly things. Money. Education. Effort & achievement. Even my marriage... sanctioned and created by God to bless me and my husband... is not something to rest my security in. Being married and being a wife... not my sole purpose in life, as it turns out. All I ever wanted was to be married and have my own family. I never planned anything beyond that. I even wanted Jesus to hold off His second-coming so I could get married first. Dispelled. Shattered. But now it leaves room in my heart for what God really wanted to give me. Don't really know what it is yet, but God's way is better than Tiff's way 100% of the time so I'm not worried that it won't be better than anything I could ever have dreamed up.

I need to sleep now. Shoulda taken a benadryl tonight.

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