Day 58

I miss my husband.

I haven't put away his pictures. Whenever I walk by and glance at a picture of his smiling face, initially, my reflex is to smile and then double back and take a second look to regain the familiar emotion. When I double back, the realization that he's no longer here with me sinks in and I get a little sad again.

I haven't been wearing my engagement ring lately. I've found that especially when I'm meeting new people, it's one of the first things they ask about. When I'm wearing just the bands, I get far less questions. I think people just assume that asking about my husband would be a safe, happy conversation starter. When I hit them with the fact that I'm widowed, I see the shock in their eyes, they're taken aback, and depending on their background, they'll start asking a lot of questions.

I worked the night shift last night with my preceptor at St. Jude. My preceptor asked if I was married... and somehow instead of telling her that I wasn't, I told her that I was widowed. Nurses... ask a lot of medical questions. It's easier for me to talk about him medically than it is for me to talk about him emotionally. A lot of people assume that it's hard. It is... but it isn't at the same time.

The other day I decided to wear my engagement ring again. It's so pretty. I just stare at it. When I look into the eye of my diamond... it glitters back at me. I hear his voice telling me that it's just a small thing that he wanted to give me to represent "us". It's precious metal with precious stones. It's beautiful, but it represents so much more. He always said that he'd get me another one if I wanted it. I kept telling him that I would have been happy with a fake one and this one is far beyond what I had imagined I'd receive. It's the same for our love. His love was far and beyond what I'd imagined I'd ever receive. I feel so blessed to have, even for a short time, been the recipient of such a beautiful and precious love. It is a beautiful, but weak representation of a far better thing. It also reminds me that everything here on earth... even at its finest, most precious, most rare... is but a foggy shadow of what's waiting for us in heaven.

Another reason why I like staring at my ring is because of... chemistry. A diamond is carbon. Graphite is carbon. Graphite is dirty, black and cheap... it's used in pencils. Diamonds are precious, rare, beautiful and expensive. Granted they are cut and polished but you get what I mean. They're both made of the same chemical, but one becomes the other when put under conditions of tremendous pressure and temperature.The ugly is made beautiful through pressure and heat.

I have another song stuck in my head today:

Holy Fire burn away,
my desire for anything
that is not of you and is of me,
I want more of you and less of me
Empty me,
Fill me,
with you (I cleaned up this 2nd part)

I think I have more to say about this whole thing but I'm tired and I need to sleep.