I've had a few people remind me of our anniversary... semi-timidly... probably wondering how I felt about the whole thing. Honestly... it's just another day to me. Well, it's a Sunday so that means I'll be going to church and small groups. I don't need any one particular date to remind me that we were married... nor does any one particular day make his absence in my life feel more real. We were one flesh. I feel his absence every single day... I've felt it every day for the past 171 days since we've been apart.
Today would have been a day of celebration, but instead, I think it'll just be a day of remembrance. A special day that I set aside to remember our wedding and maybe I'll watch our wedding video again. If you want to watch it again, the only link I have to it is the one on my facebook from Dann's videos.
A while back, I think I blogged about major events in my life that I'd like to set aside as memory days and our wedding was definitely one of them. Forgetting good times isn't the key to moving on when faced with loss. Keeping your eyes focused on what lies ahead is what helps to move on. And yet... don't forget. Remember how wonderfully God has blessed, remember the vastness of His lavish love, remember the miracles that He's done... remember what you've been delivered from and remember how that deliverance came to be... through the hope that is Jesus Christ... through the sacrifice on the cross and the powerful resurrection to conquer death once and for all. Remember, be thankful, and give praise, honor, and glory to Whom it is due.
I was thinking about the phrase "time heals all wounds". I wrote about it back in June and I reread it again today. I'm pretty sure I still feel the same way. Here's what I wrote on June 30, 2009:
I think that one of the most beautiful things about having a relationship with God is the hope that He brings in our lives. The saying that "time heals all wounds"... I don't necessarily agree with that. I think that time will help you forget the sting, but the wound is always there. It's a sensitive spot that when poked or prodded by some unsuspecting passerby, opens up again and pours out blood or pus if it's a particularly nasty wound. If you ever've said "where'd that come from?" when someone reacted particularly nastily or harshly to your seemingly harmless action or remark... you might have just poked open someone's pre-existing emotional wound... just maybe. To be truly healed and whole again is impossible... on our own. Only the Creator can restore the broken; broken doesn't just up and fix itself. True healing is born out of hope and to me, God is the only source of hope in this world.Lately, I've been asking myself... what would I do... what would I give to have him back on earth with me. And my first reaction is to say "anything"... that I'd give anything to have him back. But... to have him back at what cost and for what purpose? If I really ask myself what I want, it's to see him again, but I have already been promised that I'll see him again. Am I just being impatient? Impatience in God's timing to fulfill His promises is saying that my timing is better than God's timing and I know that it is not... absolutely not. And do I just want to be with him out of love? If I truly love him, I would want the best for him and what is best for him is to be with our Lord, which is exactly where he is right now. The max I will probably live might be another... 70 years. Dang. 70 years. What's 70 years in light of eternity? I hope my time here is shorter than that tho. I really really hope so. But in the meantime, I'll just keep doin' my thing, serving my God, etc. etc. So what would I do or give to have him back with me? Nothing. Out of love for him, I wouldn't wish him back... I wouldn't tear him away from the best place EVER out of my own selfishness.
The more you try to control your life, the more you try to hang on to what you think you deserve, the more difficult life becomes. Disappointment and loss is inevitable. Hope comes from knowing that God has a plan and that it's not an evil one, but it's a beautiful one... one that glorifies Him in all His goodness and power and love for us and THAT seriously gives me hope. It's so counter-intuitive, but the more you give up control to God, the easier life becomes and the more you have to gain. The unbearable becomes bearable. If you're sinking sinking sinking deeper and deeper into the dark depths of the ocean with some kind of heavy weight tied to you, immobilizing your legs, pulling you lower and deeper, the weight of the water closing in on you and the panic of drowning and suffocation causing you to flail about in futile efforts to grasp what you see but cannot attain... giving up control and submitting to God is like being loosed from the weight, floating effortlessly up to the surface and taking huge gasps of life-giving air until you've been restored and can breathe normally again. Even death... death may seem like the ultimate roadblock in the journey of life... but it really isn't. Life in this world is just a glimmer... a foggy reflection of eternal life and heaven. Death is just the end of this foggy life and the beginning of something more wonderful and glorious than we could ever imagine. That is something to look forward to.
I did want to write about love today, but it's getting pretty late.
Some things to remember and be thankful for from January 10, 2009.
- unity - the unity of countless friends and family members who sacrificed two whole days of their lives to give Anderson and me a beautiful wedding. I have never seen so many people put aside personal differences and preferences in order to make this happen for us. It truly was a miracle.
- God's provision and sovereignty - everything and I mean EVERYTHING just worked out. I didn't feel that anything was lacking. If anything, I think the event far exceeded my expectations. The fact that the borrowed dress fit, hair/makeup was arranged, flowers, the cake, decorations, the reception food, the buffet dinner in that ballroom that normally takes months to reserve, bridesmaids dresses were obtained half an hour before the store closed, 500+ ppl attended mostly by evite/phone call/word of mouth... even seating arrangements. We did not spend any time stressing over who would sit where... everyone just sat where they wanted and it was FINE. We were so spoiled. If I ever get married again, I don't know if I could handle all the planning after having it come together so well on its own last year. Maybe other people stressed out for us and I'm SOOO eternally grateful that you all bore that burden for us. The biggest and greatest gift you gave us was the gift of a stressless wedding.
- love - I don't think I've ever felt more loved in my life by my family, friends and church family than when they were serving us at our wedding... and in the months to follow as everyone showered us with prayer, encouragement, and support. What a marvelous time. God is so good.