Day 187 - Pensieve & Prayer Request

I don't have too much time tonight but I wanted to get some thoughts out before I forget.

For some reason, I've been having similar discussions lately with various different people. People either ask me or have asked other people whether or not I talk like I write. What's your opinion?

I find it rather amusing. If you ask me what I thought about it... I'd tell you that I don't talk like I write... I write much more fluidly and lucidly than I speak... AND I use bigger words when I write... but as far as content goes, if you talked to me on the day of a blog post, chances are you might have already heard what I was going to write about.

I had a thought this morning that my blog is like my pensieve. For the Harry Potter fans out there, you're probably already familiar with it but for those of you who haven't read about a pensieve, I'll just briefly explain what it is. Professor Dumbledore has a pensieve in his office. He touches his wand to his temple, he "pulls" out a "thought" and then transfers it into a basin of some swirly magical fluid. Someone else can then stick their head into the basin and be immersed in someone else's memories. When I write in here, I'm pulling out a series of thoughts which flow directly from my brain, through my fingers and onto the screen and when the thought's done, I stop. It is some kind of magic that my thoughts poured out this way are cohesive and comprehensible. I rarely edit before I press "publish post". I probably should though. Sometimes I find typos when I read it again the next day. Anyway, so these posts are my pensieve... and as you read, it's like I'm allowing all of you to stick your head in my pensieve and experience a memory, a thought, or a piece of my and Anderson's life together.

Anderson took a picture of me once... reading Harry Potter. He printed it out with a little caption underneath it, "The Happiest Reader I Know". I wish I had that pic to share with you. It was on his bulletin board in his room. Anyway...

Today, I wanted to use this blog post in a way that I haven't utilized this form of communication in a while... I want to ask for your prayers for me. If you've only read posts from this blog, you might not know that this blog evolved from a series of prayer request emails that I started sending people back when we first moved to Houston for Anderson's treatment. The prayer request emails turned into update emails... the updates evolved to include my thoughts on life, on what God was teaching me... and this blog is a continuation of what God's continuing to teach me in the aftermath of my husband's passing.

I need your prayers. Why? Because... I'm freaking out. LOL.

A lot has happened in the past two weeks. The door closed for the job in Torrance, but a few more opened immediately afterwards. And I refrained from posting about this for a while because I didn't want it to seem like I was being prideful or bragging. Truth is, it freaks me out just as much as it excites me. Have I kept you in suspense long enough? OK, enough with the preamble, I'll just try to get to the point.

I was asked to be the speaker at the women's retreat for Harvest San Diego during the weekend of February 12-14 and I was also asked to write an article/testimony for Inheritance Magazine. I agreed to do both. I took a step back and looked at what I had agreed to do and I somehow... I cannot believe that I got asked to do these two things. Who am I? Who am I to be speaking at a women's retreat or writing for a magazine? Why me?

For the people with whom I've shared these upcoming events... I've mostly received a lot of excitement and encouragement at these opportunities. I'm excited too. Actually, I go through waves. Waves of feeling really really excited... and waves of feeling really freaked out and inadequate. Multiple times a day. I wonder if people are ever surprised to hear that I'm doing these things. They probably wouldn't tell me to my face. Anyway, babbling again.

During my waves of freaking out, a lot of thoughts go through my mind. Mostly thoughts that I'm not good enough, what if people think I'm boring, what if they don't like me, what if I get there and have nothing to say, what if I don't make sense, what if I put people to sleep, what if they hate me? I really need your prayer for this. Even writing about it is almost making me cry.

God is always faithful and God is always encouraging me. During one of my most potent freakouts, I had decided to read my Bible segment for that day. It was a series of chapters about God's call to Moses from the burning bush from Exodus 3-4. In reading about Moses's encounter with God, I heard myself and my own fears... and just as God spoke Moses, God also spoke to me. God told Moses exactly what to say. Moses kept making excuses. What if they don't listen to me? I'm not eloquent. SEND SOMEONE ELSE! God reminds Moses of His power. When Job asked God WHY... God responded by reminding Him of His power and His sovereignty. I can't use my own weaknesses as my excuse to not do what God tells me. God is the God who created me, who created words, who created thoughts, who created EVERYTHING. He has the power to have His words flow through me even if my mouth is incapable of speaking them... He's just asking that I do my part by being willing and obedient to do what He tells me to do and go where He tells me to go.

And it's not like I haven't been prepared beforehand. The commentary on this particular set of chapters said that Moses' time in the palace and the time spent in humility in the wilderness as a shepherd was necessary to prepare Moses for what God was about to do through him. All my life was meant to prepare me for what God is about to do through me too. And God's not asking me to go to the ruler of the greatest country of the day to ask an unreasonable request... He's just asking me to go share... go share what I've done in your life... go share what I've opened your eyes to see... what I've opened your heart to experience. The message is not my own, it is God's and it is only by His grace that I've experienced enough to share about it... and only by His grace that other people have asked me to bless more people by sharing my story. It is all His. How can I refuse to give and use what's already His just because I'm afraid?

That being said... I need help. I need your help. I need your prayer and your support. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed... like I'm sinking... and I forget momentarily that I was walking on water because I get scared of the wind.

And seriously... I keep hearing this song in my head...

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

So... yeah. :) That's all. I'm tired. Have an interview tomorrow too. Or later this afternoon. I'll let you know how it goes. Night!