Friday, September 16, 2011

purple flowers

Hi Friend,

I'm super exhausted but I did want to write a follow-up to my last post.  Thank you so much for praying for me!  If you didn't read my last post, I'm pretty sure you would have prayed for me had you known so thank you for meaning to pray for me.  And if you don't pray... well, thank you for thinking good thoughts for me or meaning to think good thoughts for me.  I really appreciate all of you for supporting me and keeping my thoughts in good company over the years.  Thank you for caring for me.

So I think I asked for prayer about my presentation in my last post but I might not have talked about what I was presenting.  I wrote a paper on hospital visiting hours and overnight guest policy and why I think they should be more lenient.  The reason why I chose that topic in particular was because I needed to write an opinion piece advocating for culturally competent care in the workplace.  It was a melding of my own personal experience as a family member of a patient and as a nurse working on a unit which is not exactly family-friendly.

I actually wrote it with a very tiny inkling that maybe I could send it to my CNO (Chief Nursing Officer) and possibly plant the seed for a policy change, but I wasn't actually sure I would go through with it.  After I wrote it, I didn't feel that great about it.  I figured I'd let my professor give me some feedback first.  I did get really good feedback on it and my professor challenged me to think of ways to create a more caring and culturally competent atmosphere on my unit.  And then the CNO actually came to my floor, on a night that I was working...to bring us cookies.  I thought I heard her voice so I turned around to say hi.  She asked me how I was doing... how school was going... and then I had an inkling that maybe I would write her a thank you email for coming and bringing us cookies... and btw, here's my paper.  So I did. 

Sometimes I'm very thoughtless.  I don't really think about the potential consequences of my actions before doing them... for example... whether or not I actually wanted to go back to school before sending my application.  It just seemed like a good idea at the time.  I have this weird way of thinking about grad school.  I figure that I'll just apply and if I get in, then I'll decide whether or not I want to go.  If I don't get in, I won't have to decide... the decision's made for me. Why should I limit myself when I don't even have the option of making that choice yet?  Usually it works out.  Nursing school totally worked out.  Getting my doctorate... I did freak out.  Emailing my CNO was one of those thoughtless decisions.  I don't know what I thought was going to happen.  I really didn't think that she'd email me back and ask me to present at a nursing leadership meeting. 

And then I got an email a few weeks later from another director letting me know that I could have 10 minutes to present... 8 minutes to present my "article and my findings" and 2 minutes for questions.  Once things started to materialize and I had actual dates and times... I started to freak out.

I didn't really know how to prepare for it.  I was sitting here with my paper... wondering what I was going to say.  I don't even talk about this stuff with my co-workers... my peers!  How was I going to talk about it with nursing managers/directors?  And honestly... who am I?  I'm a baby nurse compared to all of them.  I guess it didn't help that the last nursing leadership meeting I went to, there were like 50 people in the room and there was... arguing and bickering going on.  Anyway... so I figured I'd just prepare for it the same way I prepare for my other presentations... I'll make a powerpoint. 

I didn't intend on actually presenting with the powerpoint... just using it to guide my presentation.  I could also use it to time myself so I stay within the time limits.  I actually started shaking with nervousness as I was making this powerpoint.  I've never started shaking this far in advance.  Normally, I get really nervous 5 minutes before I present...not 12+ hours before.  So I decided to choose a theme that would calm me... something that when I looked at it, would make me happy.  So I chose this one... a purple flower theme. 


And because I wanted to build a little credibility, I did spend 3-4 slides introducing myself and letting them know my motivation for writing this paper.  I made up my mind that I was going to tell them that I'm a widow.  It is relevant.  And it was my "hook". 

So my "hook" actually ended up backfiring a little bit on me because the CNO introduced me and said that I had recently been at the hospital as a family member of a patient... and I told her, and everyone else... that it was actually my husband... not just any family member. 

I was already shaking before it was time for me to present and by the time I said, "widow" I broke down in tears.  It was probably a culmination of my emotional instability, being so nervous that I couldn't sleep the night before, and just feeling overwhelmed with the situation in general... I started crying. 

I am so glad that I'm a nurse.  I think in almost every other profession, if you burst into tears in front of your executive management, it'd be a negative thing.  Nurses are so caring.  I got so many hugs.  My previous director actually got up and stood in the back of the room so that I would see her and just talk to her... to help decrease my anxiety.  They offered me a chair.  It was just such a caring and nurturing experience. 

I was able to get through the rest of my presentation surprisingly.  Even though I had less than 10 minutes to present and I was talking really fast, people made a lot of really pertinent comments.  They were totally paying attention.  One lady even shared her own personal story with the group after I was done.  Someone else came up to me and shared that they were a widow too.  And one of the male managers said that he was sorry for my loss.  I'm not sure if they were just being nice, but a lot of people came up to me and told me that I did a good job.  My own managers said that they were proud of me.  The woman who hired me gave me a high five and said that she was happy to see me growing.  Who could ask for anything more? 

On top of that, the CNO finished up the meeting and challenged the managers and directors to think about their care from the patient's perspective and she asked them to think about whether or not our hospital could just get rid of the visiting hour limitations altogether.  She told someone to put it on next month's agenda.  I'm not sure if anything will come of it but I was really surprised by everyone's response.  Very pleasantly surprised.  And maybe if our policies do end up changing... maybe I did my little part to help. 

To God be the glory.  Seriously.  Great things He has done.  I was ill-prepared, sleep-deprived, and a crying, shaking, nervous mess.  The fact that any words at all came out of my mouth was a miracle and a blessing.  And the fact that the whole thing was received so well... despite my less than stellar delivery... another miracle.  As if I needed another reason to add to the proof that I serve the God of the impossible... He just keeps lavishing me with His wonders.   

I did go to Target afterwards to run an errand but I ended up finding this purple flower air freshener.  I felt like it jumped off the shelf and called to me.  Kinda like God was reassuring me and letting me know that He was always there... and He left me this little flower to find along the way because He knew exactly what would make me smile... He always knows how to leave little love notes everywhere for me to find to let me know He was thinking of me and that He cares.  You might think... that it was just a flower.  Somebody in China probably pressed a button to make it... but you know what... that person in China didn't know that I would find it today and that my heart would delight in it.  I really think that God used whoever created it and all the hands that got it precisely where I was walking by to bless ME. 

Brain function is super low right now.  I really need to sleep.  How come every time I think I'm going to write a short one, it ends up being really long? 

I'd just like to end by relating this entire situation back to something I read today... in Nehemiah that encouraged me too.  I love Nehemiah... it's such a good book.  So much good stuff in it.  Anyway... so Nehemiah was just a cup bearer... but cup bearer to the king of the nation that conquered Israel.  He was just one man... with a heart full of compassion... and he wanted to do something about the sad situation that he heard about.  He decided that he was wanted to rebuild the walls around Jerusalem.  Nehemiah wasn't really "anyone" either.  He wasn't a builder, he wasn't an architect, he wasn't some great military leader... he was just a man with a heart that moved for his people...a prayerful heart that sought to obey God.  He prayed... and then made the most of his situation and asked the king if he could go to Jerusalem to rebuild their walls.  I don't know if Nehemiah really thought about the task set before him.  Maybe he did, maybe he didn't think about the task so much as He thought about the God who could make all things possible.  Maybe all he had to do was show up with a desire deep in his heart to do what God had put on his heart to do and then just trust that God would empower him and take care of everything else.

So maybe that's all I need to do too.  God gave me my life experiences and put me in a situation where I see needs and I see areas that could be built up.  And I really could just keep to my work and glorify God in that, but what if God called me to do something bigger?  What if He gave ME the voice to speak up to the CNO to ask for a change in hospital policy?  And what if some great and miraculous things were to happen simply because I said something... and then showed up to say something more? 

Who knows what's going to happen in the future.  Maybe nothing will happen.  Maybe I'll just be known as that girl who cried in front of everyone at that one meeting in September.  I don't know.  I'm really tired.  I think maybe I'll take another cue from Nehemiah and just work on building up the wall that's right in front of me.  One stone at a time, one day at a time... and then maybe one day before I know it, the walls will be high and strong. 

I don't think I'm making any sense anymore.  Anyway, I hope that was enough to give you the gist of how my presentation went. 

Good night...
<3,
Tiff

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