It's been a long, long time since I've written in this blog. 8 years since my last post.
My eldest daughter, Eva, is 8 years old and my youngest daughter, Emma, is 6. I've been teaching nursing students and also going to Bible Study Fellowship every year.
We had our celebration/share day this morning at BSF and even though I've been attending BSF on and off for over 10 years, I have never gone up to share until now. Not that I didn't have things to say... I probably did... I just let that heart-thumping prompting come and go and allowed other people to share. This year though... I had a feeling I should just push myself to do it so I did.
I sat in the car after dropping off the kids and made every excuse I could think of all the while trying to prepare what to say. I sifted through text messages, emails... my giant BSF handbook, the notes I took... the more I looked back, the more I realized that God was using seemingly unrelated events and people to slowly work on me, to present me with ideas or opportunities, to build up to this moment and it was amazing to just sit and remember.
I started writing because I am not great verbally. Writing has always come easier. When Anderson and I went to Texas, people asked for prayer requests and updates. I would email one person and then they would forward that around. I decided that was inefficient so I started a google group so whoever signed up would get the most current update directly from me. The prayer requests would change very little day to day but we had updates on what was going on and also God was teaching us things along the way so I wrote them out alongside our prayer requests. It began to be a daily or even multiple-times-daily thing where I'd send out updates and prayer requests as events were unfolding. After Anderson passed away, I was in such a habit of writing out what was on my heart that I kept writing. It became therapy for me. I worked night shift as my first nursing job and mostly tried to keep a night shift schedule on days I wasn't working so ease the transition when I did work. Since I was awake a lot during the wee hours of the morning, it was a good time of solitude and reflection in front of my computer screen. Those hours when I would write and write and write would be moments where God was working on my heart. I would pour out whatever came up and He would come in and speak into my life. It was a precious, valuable season of my life.
I wrote so much that in 2010, I got asked to write an article for Inheritance magazine, which was also translated to Chinese, and because of that article, I was asked to go on a talk show called The Upper Room where our story was recorded. I have shared that interview countless times to people and it's helped break down barriers in communication and has facilitated much deeper conversations with people I've just met than anything else in my life.
My friend Erwin has a blog and a podcast and I think I've been suggesting that people go on his podcast for many years to share their stories. I suppose this is the year where all that changed.
BSF was the only time I took out an actual pen and physically took notes in recent years. I had tried going digital to save paper and space but I found out that I am much more likely to read the notes if it's printed out and I'm much more likely to pay attention in lecture if I'm physically writing things down. August 2025, I decided to start carrying around a journal again. I used to carry a journal to church when I was younger and in my childhood bedroom, I had stacks of journals in a drawer. It was fun to go back and read about what I was struggling with and what I was learning and praying about back then. I figure... why not start again now?
I started carrying a journal to church again and forcing myself to pay attention during the sermons. If something came up that I wanted to do, I would write that down in a to-do list for that week. If I had something I wanted to pray about, I would write those down too. If I was going through a conflict with a friend or in my marriage, I would write that out too. Weekly, I'd open up that journal and look back at the previous week's prayer requests or thoughts and then update them again for the current week. This year, my husband and I finally did Comfort Circles and holding time (a communication exercise from HowWeLove which I read about on Erwin's CaringBridge Blog) and I wrote out our comfort circles in the journal as well. Writing things down has been key this year. I don't just have an idea and forget about it. I wrote it down so I could revisit and build on it in the future.
This year's BSF study was on Exile and Return, covering the time period when the Israelites were in captivity and their eventual return, rebuilding of the temple and the rebuilding of the wall around it. I felt like every week, God spoke to me regarding whatever it was I was struggling with that week but looking over the past year, I've highlighted some notable quotes/messages.
On September 8, 2025, when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego or Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah went into the fiery furnace... they went in bound and came out free. That fire that was meant to destroy them, actually set them free. They were untouched by the smoke and they actually walked around and talked to Jesus IN the furnace. No one loves suffering, but if during those times, we are the closest and most dependent on God for survival... and if our lives are touched and forever changed by meeting Jesus... isn't it worth it?
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose -Jim Elliot.
I know the story of Esther from Sunday School as a child. This time around, what stood out to me was all the seemingly random things that had to happen to get Esther to the place where she could approach the king, as queen, and save her people from genocide. She was orphaned. She was taken into captivity. She was taken into a beauty pageant/harem type situation and sacrificed her life to be part of this search for the new queen of Persia. She had conversations with her cousin/adopted dad, Mordecai, through messengers, challenging her to step up and plead with the king.
Esther 4:14 For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”
So she stepped up and did it. She asked all her household and all the Jews to fast and pray with her. Previously, her heritage had been hidden but I'm guessing that after this, all the Jews and most of the household knew that she was a Jew. Meanwhile, Haman is plotting to kill all the Jews in Persia by tricking the king into signing a decree allowing for genocide of the Jews. He goes on thinking he's winning at life. Esther fasts and prays and then presents herself to the king (potentially risking death) and asks him to join her for a banquet and invites Haman. I used to wonder why Esther didn't just straight up ask the king. Why did it take two banquets before she asked? But I see now how timing is everything. After the first feast, the king asked Esther what she wanted and Esther said to have another feast the next day and then she'll tell him what she wants. Haman leaves the banquet all happy but when he sees Mordecai, he got angry again and builds a gallows specifically to hang him. That very night, the king gets insomnia and asks for someone to read the book of memorable events in his reign and finds out that Mordecai saved him from an assassination attempt but was never rewarded for it.
Esther 6:4 And the king said, “Who is in the court?” Now Haman had just entered the outer court of the king's palace to speak to the king about having Mordecai hanged on the gallows[b] that he had prepared for him. 5 And the king's young men told him, “Haman is there, standing in the court.” And the king said, “Let him come in.” 6 So Haman came in, and the king said to him, “What should be done to the man whom the king delights to honor?” And Haman said to himself, “Whom would the king delight to honor more than me?”
So then Haman tells the king what he wants for himself, which is to be paraded around the entire kingdom dressed up and on the king's horse, but he himself has to do the parading around but for Mordecai! He's humbled but not repentant... he's humiliated! He goes home and tells his family what happened and they change their tune. Yesterday they were egging him on to build a gallows to hang Mordecai and today they're like "uh oh... you're not winning... Mordecai is a Jew and you're going to fall apart in front of him". And then right after that, the king's people picked him up to go to the queen's banquet... where Esther humiliates him again, revealing that SHE is a Jew and that Haman is trying to murder her and her people. Long story short, the king gets mad, orders Haman to be hanged on the gallows he built for Mordecai and Esther and Mordecai figure out how the Jews can be saved. They have the king issue another decree allowing the Jews to arm themselves and they ended up killing a ton of their enemies but not taking plunder. Mordecai ends up second in command in the kingdom, he took over Haman's house, and was a great leader because he advocated for his people and spoke peace.
Mordecai heard of a plot against the king's life and he spoke up and saved the king. He was just a guard at the gate and then because one thing led to another, ended up second in command. I'm definitely not looking to be ruler of anything, but what spoke to me was that he advocated for his people and spoke peace.
On page 175 of my giant BSF book, I highlighted this part of the notes:
We often opt for passivity, hesitating to risk our comfort for God's cause and the eternal well-being of others.
On January 12, 2026, I wrote down in my BSF notes from Nicky Sweeney's lecture:
God calls us to live purposeful lives for Him. Our stories aren't written in the Bible but our stories can demonstrate expression of our faith.
Our stories. My story. It might not go in the Bible but it can be documented. Maybe so they can be comforted as I have been comforted. That day, I messaged Erwin that I had an idea to record widow stories. Just like someone had recorded mine, I had an idea to help record others' stories so they can easily share them with others and also to help others learn how to care for those who are grieving. At this point, I just thought I would help Erwin do it.
On February 2, 2026, I wrote down, "God's people accomplish God's call by the power of the Holy Spirit" as we were learning about the book of Zechariah from Nicky's lecture. God equips and empowers. I remember thinking about it and wondering how is this going to get done? I thought about making a worksheet with questions that the widow can look through and prepare ahead of time so I made that. I remember as I was typing that worksheet, I thought... "that was fast". I'd finished it really quickly. Now... how am I going to get these recorded? I thought about asking a film student or something to help with the technical parts. By the end of February, I asked my friend, Joy, who has her own widow story, to zoom with me while the girls were at swimming lessons to go over her story and try out the worksheet questions. We scheduled her zoom for March 16th.
BSF started the book of Nehemiah end of February/early March. Nehemiah really pushed me to step out of my comfort zone and just do it. At the beginning of the book, Nehemiah hears about Jerusalem and how the walls are broken down and the city is unprotected. He was a cupbearer to the king at the time. I just imagine him thinking about it, standing next to the king... wondering... who's going to build this wall? And at some point... he must have thought... someone else can do it... but then at another point... he also must have thought... why not me? Then the king asked him why he looked so sad.. and then Nehemiah told him and asked if he could leave his job as cupbearer and go build the wall, plus can I have supplies and an escort and documents. If anything, standing next to the king as a cupbearer while a bunch of people try and ask for funds and resources... he must have learned something.
I've been to a lot of zooms. I've done recordings for school. I must have learned something over the years. While Joy and I were doing her widow story over zoom, I thought... the recording doesn't need to be fancy. Of course, it would be lovely to get dressed up and do a recording in a garden or some place beautiful, but the effort it would take to schedule that and get it accomplished... I might just give up. So I thought... I can just record zoom meetings. It won't be cinematically beautiful but that's not the point. While she was telling her story, I wished that we had some visuals so I could picture my friend and her husband as she talked about them so I decided to create a powerpoint template with the questions and with a place for pictures. After Joy's interview, she wanted to hear my story so I decided to fill out the worksheet and find pictures for my own powerpoint. On April 16th, we tried to record my story but the record button wasn't there and I couldn't find it. I almost gave up at that point but Joy said to just keep trying and after an hour of restarting, logging in and out, and then clicking through 3 webpages of settings to find the one button that would allow me to record... we finally found it. On April 30th, we recorded my story on zoom.
It's not perfect. It's a work in progress. I've sent it to my BSF group and have gotten a lot of encouragement thus far. It's started and already accomplishing its work.
I was really encouraged by Nehemiah's no-nonsense approach to the problems that came up. He didn't write down any whining or excuses. He pointed out a problem and then they went and fixed it. Say it, do it, done. I can come up with so many excuses in my own mind for this or that but Nehemiah said it, did it and it got done so I can do it too.
Sometimes I'm afraid to put it out there because then I can't back out. If no one knows I'm working on it, then no one will ask me about it and if i don't make progress, then no one will ever know... but God knows. For BSF sharing, I thought I should do it. And then I thought... maybe not. Maybe I should write things down. But everything I'm writing down isn't really coalescing. When sharing time started, my heart started to pound. People started lining up. I thought... maybe if no one lines up then I'll go... but people kept lining up. Maybe I'll go after the kids go. But then I started crying when the little girl started reciting Psalm 23. Maybe I'll go when I stop crying. And then a lady came up and said that every little bit of the wall counts and makes a difference so show up and build. So I got up and sat in line to share. I sat in the chair furthest away from the podium and immediately started crying. Everyone else can go before me. I cried and couldn't stop crying and when it was my turn to talk, I started crying even harder. Maybe it's good to cry because then your eyes get blurry and you can't really see people anymore. So I talked through the crying and shared about my struggle and about how this year I'm going to stop making excuses and just do it. I shared that I was doing widow stories with everyone at BSF which means... I've said it, I'm doing it, I wrote it out and it will get done.
If you or anyone you know would like to have a story documented, please reach out and let me know! lavishlovestories@gmail.com
<3,
Tiff
