I used to cry about something (happy or sad) every couple days or so... and I realized today that I haven't cried in about a month. Puzzling. It's extra puzzling because I haven't exactly been having the most awesome moods this month either. I've been thinking a lot. Had a lot going on, as always, but also a lot on my mind.
When I have a lot on my mind and it's so complicated... I wish I could just talk to myself. I know how I'm feeling and I know how frustrated I am about this or that... I know everything that went on to get me to where I'm at... and... I just understand... myself. It sounds kinda weird but I get lost in my own thoughts sometimes and I argue a lot within my head. There's rational Tiff and emotional Tiff and they are constantly at war with each other but at the same time... they fully understand each other as well. Even though I don't have any grand conclusions... I wanted to take the time today to write because I... know I need to. Some people need to retreat and just rest. For me... I need to write. It's how I make sense of things if the only person I can talk to is myself. Emotional Tiff can write what she's feeling and rational Tiff can read it and figure things out. And the added bonus is that you guys get to come along for the bumpy (and usually very long-winded) ride.
I had a really roller coaster-y day today. Last night I was so exhausted, I slept on wet hair. I knew I'd pay for it the next day with nasty bedhead but I just didn't care. Too tired. I woke up every few hours. I was so tired, I slept way longer than I should have. I woke up around 9:30 still wanting to sleep more. Sadness. But I also woke up to a message from a random friend asking if I had time to chat. So I did. I chatted with her with my retainer on. I chatted to her while taming my massive bedhead. I haven't actually had a phone conversation in a really long time. That was super special to me. Encouraging moment #1.
I ran into a lovely friend in the parking lot at church (who I normally hardly ever see) who gave me a big hug and told me I looked pretty today. I know it sounds like a small thing but it means a lot to me. Big hugs are something to live for. Encouraging moment #2.
Sometimes I'm paying strict attention during church service. Sometimes my brain is processing other things while listening. I was half listening and half processing something else today. This is what I was processing:
I think in flow charts sometimes. Based on circumstances, pros and cons, or various criteria... I choose one option versus another. Yesterday, I was thinking about how there are so many things in my life that are not what I would have chosen for myself if Morpheus had held his hands out to me and asked me to choose the blue pill or the red pill. OK... I guess it's not the same. I make more thoughtful decisions usually. But yeah. I really don't think I know what I'm doing when I'm making decisions. Half the time it's just impulsive. Sometimes it's based on reasoning that just does not make sense. Sometimes I'm just so tired, I'll just say yes to whatever or no to whatever because I'm too tired to deal with the more time consuming option. Regardless though... so much of what I have now was given to me or fell into my lap or just happened due to "chance"... but it ended up being exactly what I needed, exactly what I wanted... and I ended up loving it... despite the fact that I never would have thought I would have chosen it myself. Neither rational Tiff or emotional Tiff would have made the choice but somehow it all just worked out perfectly.
So I was counting all the things that have turned out amazingly... and there were just too many. I thought about some possible reasons why... here's what I came up with:
- I don't always choose what's best for me.
- God chooses what's best for me
- I trust and appreciate that His way is better than my way 100% of the time
- I love His choices because they are made without sin and in all wisdom, knowledge, power, and foresight.
- Even though I may never know why, there's a reason for the way things turn out.
- It's not my job to understand the reasons... just do the best with what I've been given and trust that what I've been given is what's best for me right now.
.JPG)
Today's sermon was on being quiet before God... and listening to His still small voice. When I'm silent, I'm finally forced to confront myself and who I am. And that's a good thing. But something about me also... when I'm with other people... I'm also confronted with myself. I also process by talking to people. The things that come out of my mouth reveal a lot about what's going on in my heart. I also have realizations when I speak or tell stories. Through talking with my friends... I recount the major events of my life. I remembered that I actually didn't want to go to UCI initially. I distinctly recall walking around ring road and thinking to myself... I can't go here. I just can't see it. It doesn't fit. It won't work. And... well... I ended up going there... and now I can't see my life any other way. I definitely wouldn't have had the day I had today if I never went to UCI.
So I decided to play softball this year with my church. I hadn't played softball since Anderson passed. I actually can't remember the last time I played by myself. I've been to the batting cages but actually playing on the field... I had no softball memories that didn't include Anderson. It was an activity that we did together and I never did it without him. We actually started hanging out because we were both on the AACF IM softball team (I kinda got drafted because I was a girl and they needed more girls to meet their co-ed team requirement...) and we'd just hang out and play catch... we'd hang out and go to the batting cages. We actually went to the batting cages on our first "date" which he doesn't consider a date because I played gameboy the whole time during dinner (it was a double date...) and he was so turned off by it, he kinda didn't want to see me again after that. Anyway. Somehow, he saw past all that and married his gameboy girl. What I enjoyed about playing softball or baseball with Anderson was that he would always protect me, he would always tell me what I was doing wrong, he'd always tell me what to do... and if at all possible, he would field it for me so I wouldn't have to do it. I never played baseball or softball before him. I don't know what possessed me to play for AACF. Probably because all my friends were doing it. Anyway... so it was kind of a big deal for me to go out and play... by myself. It was a fairly big milestone for me... and I was really scared to do it but all the softball guys are really nice and really encouraging... and the whole thing just makes me happy more than sad or any other emotion... except for today.
We played horribly today. Error after error... the ball would NOT stay in any of our gloves... it was hot, we were sluggish and slow to respond... it was just bad. I mess up a lot while playing so normally it doesn't really get to me but today... I was overwhelmingly oppressed by feelings of frustration which I felt from the entire team. My heart, which normally delights in my team, was so saddened by the morale. I felt really downtrodden and defeated and there was one point in the game where I actually shed a tear because I just felt so, so sad. I had to sing to myself during the last few innings just so I wouldn't cry on the field. And after the game I felt like throwing up. I was hot, sticky... nauseous... all I wanted to do was... jump into a swimming pool and hold my breath until I couldn't hold it any longer. So... where did I go? I started driving to the gym.
The gym is also right next to the mall and a Target. While I was driving...with the AC blasting... I thought about what would make me feel better. Walking around the mall and buying something pretty might make me feel better. It was an option. But Target has almost always been a place where I can just walk around and recollect myself. I can escape at Target. When I was in Texas... all friendless... with nothing familiar to me... I would often decide to just drive myself to Target and walk around and I'd feel better. So I opted for Target over the gym and over the mall. I walked into Target and I expected to be refreshed by icy cold air conditioning and rejuvenated by the smell of plastic popcorn... but I didn't feel any better. I still felt like throwing up. I walked around aimlessly and scanned one item with the shopkick app and walked around some more. FB messaged someone but then they had to go to dinner so I walked around by myself some more. I wasn't even shopping. Just walking around all sad. I was thinking about today's sermon and how I needed to be alone and to be lonely... to be quiet and listen to the still small voice... but my heart's cry was to be with friends. I wanted to be with friends NOW... but I figured... since the AC at Target isn't that cold and I'm still so overheated... I'll just walk to the gym and go swimming. So I made the decision to get out of Target and grab some swimming stuff from my car and just tread water or something. This Target has an elevator, an escalator and a set of stairs. I decided to take the stairs. I walked down a couple steps and I saw a familiar face... a friend from UCI which I hadn't seen in a really long time. I smiled and waved and he and his wife smiled and waved back. They asked if I had just worked out... I said I'd just come from a softball game and that I was on my way to go swimming at the gym... and they said that they were going to go swimming at the gym too! What are the odds or the chances that at the exact moment I was coming out of Target... they were coming... and that we were headed to do the exact same thing at the exact same gym? It was way too coincidental to be anything other than God heard the cry of my heart and aligned our plans so that I would be ministered to in my distress. I also didn't have a towel in my trunk... and my friend let me borrow his "periodic table of the elements" towel. SO perfect and so nerdy. I loved it.
We got a chance to catch up a little bit and found out that we actually go to the same grad school. Different programs but the same school. How odd is that? And then they invited me to have dinner at their house... and guess what they were having for dinner? Steak. Maybe God and also quite a few of my friends know how much I love beef. It's my favorite meat. It's probably my favorite meal. I might choose beef at every meal if I could, except maybe for breakfast. Sometimes I think I might be anemic or something... but I really just enjoy the taste of beef. Anyway... it was like God was answering the cries of my heart and gifting me with love notes exactly and perfectly in the ways which He knows I like them.
While we were catching up at dinner, I was telling them about what had been going on with me the past few years or so... and I realized more and more how I wouldn't have chosen so many things for myself, but where I ended up, wound up being so perfect for me... and I didn't even know it until I was already there. Choosing UCI, choosing Bio... choosing nursing as a career... the hospital I ended up working at... my doctoral program... the church I'm going to right now... almost all of these things I had no idea it would work out until I was already in it and already doing it... and now I can't imagine my life any differently. I was pretty amazed to hear my own story come out of my own mouth. It was like God was reminding me why I need not be downtrodden or distressed... He has been faithful to me countless times in the past... He has allowed things that happen that may hurt me initially but in the long run, it forced me out of a bad situation and led me to a better one. I may never have chosen to get myself out of bad situations if God didn't show me through pain and disappointment that I wasn't supposed to be there... that life wasn't supposed to be this way. God used my interaction with my friends to heal my heart and soul today... and to renew my love and joy. I realized that my life is so full and so wonderful, that I can barely contain it. God knows... and He gives good gifts to His children.
I also signed up for the mentor & mentee (M&M) ministry at my church and when I was filling out the application, I stared at the choices: "would you like to be a mentor?" and "would you like to be a mentee?" Some part of me, I felt like God was telling me I should be a mentor... but I wanted to take the easier route and just be mentored this first time around at least. I think there was also an option to choose "either" but I made my choice and I selected to be a mentee. I also didn't want to do the extra mentor meetings. Call me lazy. Turns out... the whole situation was kind of like Jonah's... where I kinda felt like God told me to mentor but I went the other way and decided to apply to be a mentee... but God wouldn't let me be a mentee. The core team asked me to mentor. I couldn't run away from God at that point so I decided to mentor. I wasn't too sure about the whole thing... but when I found out who my mentee was, I was pleased to find out that I had just met and facebook friended this person a couple days ago. And as I read her application... I was pretty affirmed that good things would come of it. I contacted her within half an hour of finding out we were matched and so far, it seems like things will turn out well. Quite promising.
I don't know if I wrote everything I wanted to write... but I definitely documented this pretty amazing day. Thankfully, I'd already written the two papers that I had due tonight so I had time to have dinner with friends tonight instead of having to work on school stuff. It is usually good practice to finish things early. Thank God I did. I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on tonight's fellowship. Too, too precious.
Anyway... I'm encouraged. I'm hopeful for the future. Even the greatest tragedy of my life can give birth to something new and something wonderful... so why wouldn't any new sadness or new tragedy be any different? I was meant to be here... right now... doing what I'm doing. This is where I belong. There's lots of comfort in that, isn't there?
Ok. Way late. Long day tomorrow.
Super tired. Until next time, friends...
<3 p="">Tiff
No comments:
Post a Comment