Fall Afresh
Awaken my soul, come awake
To hunger, to seek, to thirst
Awaken first love, come awake
And do as you did, at first
Spirit of the living God come fall afresh on me
Come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul, pour in me to overflow
To overflow - Jeremy Riddle
Maybe this past Lent was about breaking me. Ripping me apart and gutting me so that God could reawaken my first love... to blow through the caverns of my soul and pour in me to overflow.
There are so many things I could write about but I think I'll write about this year's Seder. Last year, I went to a Seder at a different church... and it left a deep impression on my heart. Last October, I was talking to my life group leader and I had one tiny thought... "wouldn't it be fun to do a Seder with our life group?"... and so from one tiny idea... it began.
I went on the Jews for Jesus website, requested a missionary... I reserved a room at the church office... and... then I was kind of at a loss as to what to do next. I remember being so new at this group... knowing people but not really knowing them well enough to feel comfortable asking them to help me. I remember feeling a little bit fearful. Like... "what in the world did I get myself into?"
This happens to me a lot. Oftentimes, I agree to do things without first counting the cost or thinking it through. Kinda reminds me of this situation I also found myself in... last week... where my friend and I decided to go kayaking... and so we chose a date, we got ourselves there... and before we left the car, I had a thought that maybe we should put our phones in a ziploc bag... and the only bag I had was the baggie I put my protein powder in. GOOD THING I had that bag. When we got there, the guy handed us the straps to the kayak and said, "don't worry about the time, just have fun." It took us quite a while to actually get the kayak to the beach. When we finally dragged it to the water's edge both of us looked at the kayak... and then at each other and we both realized that it never occurred to either of us that we would actually have to get wet in order to kayak in the ocean. Yes. I know. It sounds kinda dumb but... somehow I think that's what makes us best friends. We think alike... for better or worse. So it took us quite a while and maybe a little bit of screaming/squealing... but we did finally start kayaking. The waves were smallish. Once we got behind where the waves form (not sure the term...) it was nice. It was a beautiful day. We kayaked for maybe 15-20 minutes... we saw some kind of ocean animal... and then we looked to the left of us at the beach and said, "oh look, there are surfers coming!" and then we looked to the right of us at the ocean and there were GINORMOUS waves forming to our right. And it was then that both of us felt it was somewhat good/bad timing to share that we both had traumatic experiences almost drowning in the ocean when we were young. I swear we live separate but parallel lives. Anyway... so there was much more screaming and freaking out... no capsizing but we ended up beached on the shore... soaking wet and frozen... hearts racing from having our lives "flash" before our eyes. I know it sounds really dumb now that I'm writing it down but we were traumatized! And we were also done with ocean kayaking. It took us a very long time to feel better. I ate half a bag of shrimp chips on the beach. We swung on swings until the recess lady kicked us off them. We splurged on fancy pizza. And we bought expensive socks at REI.
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| "OMG THANK GOD WE'RE ALIVE!" and "OMG WE ALMOST DIED!" A good pairing. Good job, God. |
Anyway... so at some point I was kind of wondering what I was going to do now that I had secured a date for Seder and a location. Most of me was happy that it was coming together. The mastermind inside of me knew what had to be done and it was a lot of work. But I figured... I'd ask the one person who already agreed to help to ask my life group members if they'd help... and I'd just take care of the spiritual preparation, and lay the structure/foundation for the teams, the night... figure out the details... I'd do as much as possible so that whoever agreed to help would only have to do the bare minimum. Part of me didn't want to inconvenience these people I barely knew and part of me... didn't trust these people I barely knew. I was pretty sure that everything would work out regardless... but in order to do my part and put forth my best effort before God, I had to do everything I could to pave a smooth path. That is just my way. If the car breaks down while driving on the road... that's another story but at least I tried to make the journey as smooth as possible.
I thought about how I wanted the night to go. I thought about all the ways I could split the work into teams to delegate the work. I thought about what each team would need to do and at what time they needed to do them. I thought about the prep. I thought about the cleanup. I thought a lot. And I made a grid. I made multiple grids because there were too many layers to fit on one grid. I felt like some kind of Seder planning mastermind. And it reminded me of my INTJ past. I think I've lived most of my life as a Myers Briggs INTJ Rational Mastermind Scientist or whatever other classification they call it. Here's an excerpt which kinda described what was going on in my head at this point:
All Rationals are good at planning operations, but Masterminds are head and shoulders above all the rest in contingency planning. Complex operations involve many steps or stages, one following another in a necessary progression, and Masterminds are naturally able to grasp how each one leads to the next, and to prepare alternatives for difficulties that are likely to arise any step of the way. Trying to anticipate every contingency, Masterminds never set off on their current project without a Plan A firmly in mind, but they are always prepared to switch to Plan B or C or D if need be.It might have been overkill actually but this is what I knew how to do and how I knew to do it. It was very Martha-like. The planning team actually came together pretty smoothly much to my surprise. People seemed so willing to help. I was pretty amazed. But I still felt like I should do as much as I could so that they wouldn't have to do too much work on this. It was after all, my idea and something I wanted to share with them. They should enjoy it and not stress out about it. I'll take the stress for them.
Luke 10:38-42
English Standard Version (ESV)
Martha and Mary38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”
Needless to say, I did get to a point where I started to feel VERY anxious and troubled about the many things that needed to happen. It got so bad that I think God had to arrange an intervention for me. He pierced my heart and I had to write it out and ask for prayer from my inner circle.
March 6, 2013. While I was driving... I heard a snippet of something on the radio which didn't hit me at the moment but it hit me later on at night when I was about to go to bed. "workaholics sin because of their impatience... they see everything that needs to be done and instead of being patient, they take matters into their own hands and do it themselves." and the speaker used Saul and his offering the sacrifice on his own because Samuel got there a little bit late. Last night I was doing a lot of prep-work for each of the different teams... I was sending pictures and collecting documents and making shopping lists... and I wondered... why am I doing all of this? And then I remembered this message and I was convicted!
I thought about why I care so much to do "everything" even though other people are technically delegated to do the work...
It's these three factors that have been choking out my original vision to care for them spiritually throughout the process. I don't want them to never want to work with Tiff again because she's a psycho nightmare... I don't want them to be so stressed out after working with me that they avoid me in the future hoping I'll never ask them to do stuff ever again... I don't want them to be so stressed out on the day of that they can't spiritually BE there and meet God during the Seder... that would be the worst thing ever... that I inappropriately hardened the soil of their hearts so that God would be unable to penetrate them and bless them through the event. I also don't want them to get lazy and then stifle their uniqueness and their creativity in the process. I also don't want to be so laissez faire that I fail to work to the level of excellence I set for myself. I am 100% certain that God will cause all things to work together perfectly and it will all fall into place... regardless of my effort... but I also want God to be pleased with the effort I put in and the preparations as well. If I was lazy and let things go, then I don't feel that God is pleased with MY work ethic. But I also don't want other people to feel that I hold them to my standard either.
- I don't know these people very well. I don't know how they work. I felt bad ASKING for help and so I wanted to set everything up so they had to do the absolute minimum possible to keep them from being inconvenienced as much as possible.
- I don't know these people very well. I don't know how they work. I don't TRUST them to do things on their own. I'm being a control freak.
- I'm being an impatient workaholic. People aren't doing things on MY time and therefore I need to do things for them.
ANYWAY... to summarize an already long story... I feel the need to apologize and ask for forgiveness for my poor leadership behavior until now and I want to shift my focus from more logistic planning to spiritual caring for my team.
I'm not quite sure how that's going to happen or how that's going to work... but I want them to have the freedom to do things the way THEY want to and I want to serve THEM instead of making them serve ME and fit into MY structure and MY planning style.
Thankfully I still have a few weeks until the event so I can fix this and hopefully turn the whole situation around. My failure to spiritually guide them in this process... I think is the worst failure of all.
I apologized to the team. I don't even know what they were thinking or if they even understood what I was apologizing for... but between me and God, I knew I had to apologize. And they were so gracious. Astounding.
From then on, I decided to let go of the logistics (a little bit) and focus more energy on getting to know the team members, care for them, and support them... Mary-type things. I am also not sure how my weekly devotional emails were received but between me and God... I think He saw my heart and was pleased. It was 75% spiritually focused and 25% logistics from then on out. At least that was my intent.
The week after my "gutting", I spent a week with my cousin in Burbank to learn about pediatric primary care... but it turned out to be just the "vacation" I needed from my life and my dusty house undergoing construction. We had the most amazing week. Every day was spent fellowshipping... eating our favorite things... making memories that will last a lifetime. The week I spent away from my normal life... there grew a longing in my heart to be with my life group. It was only a few days but I was really surprised at how much I missed them. It wasn't even one person or a couple people... I missed them as a collective. I longed to see them... like Paul longed to see the churches he left behind as he journeyed throughout Asia.
Passion week... I know it is supposed to be spent solemnly remembering Jesus's journey to the cross... but I had a hard time being solemn when every single day starting from the Saturday I was inundated by wave after wave of amazing fellowship and affirmation that I was meant to be right where I was.
- Saturday, I spent with an amazing group of single women who affirmed and encouraged me... we shared, we prayed, we laughed, we cried... there is no possible way that anyone could have forced that kind of intimacy... the Spirit was moving in that place.
- Sunday, I got to see everyone at church and I was happy. And then there was the softball game that night with church people. I got to the field kind of early... I was kind of shaking because I was so scared and nervous... and maybe I was cold too... but once the team got there... all fears were dissipated. My heart was put to rest and we laughed and enjoyed ourselves. I was SO thankful to be a part of this church family and a part of this softball team.
- Monday, after a long class, and tiring out my brain with pharmacology... I decided last minute to crash the Seder worship team practice and just care and pray for them. Again, I didn't know what this was going to look like or how it was going to go. No plans. Just a hopeful heart with an intention to love on these people. It turned out to be like a mostly male version of Saturday's sharing/praying. As each member of the team shared, I was blown away by their honesty, by their encouragement of one another... and by their prayers for each other. The Spirit was moving there as well.
- Tuesday... well Tuesday was the Kayak day... life flashing before my eyes... but such a beautiful time spent affirming my friendship with Jess and catching up. Every day I thank God for providing me a friend like Jess. I have longed my whole life for a friend like her. And then at night, I got to have dinner with a few sisters who encouraged me greatly through Vietnamese food exploration and light-hearted conversation. We were connected to one another through really random experiences and it was amazing just being able to meet up with these women. It took us months to find a date that worked for all of us.
- Wednesday, I had my first day back at work as a RN. I took a 3 month leave of absence to do my health assessment clinical hours. It was hard to get my mind wrapped around the routines again but all in all, it was a good day at work... and then I got to have dinner with my life group/Seder planning team after work. I realized that I really delight in these people.
- Thursday, I got a chance to hang out with another couple of Seder planning people... and we ate buffalo wings to get some little bones to put on the table for the Seder. LOL. Such a good time... good laughs in the parking lot. I was so overflowingly happy and grateful at what an awesome group of people I have the honor of working with that I decided to write them and tell them. So I wrote 14 cards that day. I amazingly had a lot to write to almost everybody. These people I barely knew a few months ago had etched themselves deep into my heart. Astounding.
- Friday, I had lunch with an old classmate and then went to Good Friday service and saw my life group and other church family again. During the service, I felt the weight of Christ's sacrifice... and I felt my heart opened... arms outstretched... feeling unworthy but thankful to be chosen. So thankful for my church family. I was so thankful for them... that I also made another last minute decision to make cake pops for Seder. I didn't want to do it previously because I felt it would take too much time and that the event would be OK without it... but then I thought again and decided that these people that I love... they were worth it. And I listened to pharmacology lectures at the same time. I guess I tend to work faster when I'm listening to lectures than when I'm watching Harry Potter while making cake pops. Go figure. ONE person who squealed at the sight of cake pops made it worth it. :)
Saturday was the Seder. I think I opened my eyes that morning around 6:30 or 7am and immediately my mind was running... trying to remember what I had to bring... I had to just get up and get ready. I packed my wheel-y bins... and I went to the church office. And then the preparations started. I didn't have to hound anybody. Everyone got there on time. Everyone did their part. As I stopped periodically to check on everyone's progress... I was so amazed to see everything fall into place so easily... so naturally. All the tables were decorated so beautifully. It turned out so far beyond what I had imagined... I felt so humbled at how low I set the bar and how high God took it. It made me so happy and so thankful. God totally blessed this process. I felt so, so loved by God. I hope that Martha could have experienced a day like I experienced at the Seder. To have done her part to prepare but to just stand back and watch the Lord work and marvel at all these great and wonderful things that happen when we let go of control and let Him do His thing. I was having a Martha-Mary moment... a Marthy moment. And I loved it. I can be both someone who plans but also sits at His feet and receives the precious things that can never be taken away from me. The treasures that fill my heart's chest... and make me feel all bubbly and glowing inside.
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I have consistently tested as an ENFJ the past couple years. I think am becoming the person I was meant to be... I have never gained as much satisfaction, joy or peace from masterminding events or being a scientist or organizing things. All of my most meaningful life experiences have come from my interactions with people lately.
ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.This is a really really long post. I haven't even told you everything that happened... barely even scratched the surface with the stuff at Seder... but I also wanted to get to Sunday.
I woke up on Easter Sunday... so happy. As I was getting ready for church, I realized how much I looked forward to being there. In all my decades of going to Easter services, I have never felt this happy or this motivated to be with and near my church family on this day. I didn't dread any part of the service or the day... like I might have had I gone to another church. Last Easter, I had to brave huge traffic/parking issues... and I walked into a ginormous combined service... where I had to walk down 4 aisles, having to be rejected multiple times because the "seat was taken"... before I found one empty seat for me to worship... alone... next to people I didn't know and who didn't care to know me.
This year... I feel so loved. There is so much love all around me that I can barely contain it. It covers me.... it's furious... and it's pouring out of me like a waterfall.
From the message... I wrote down a few things that stood out to me... God meets my desire to be seen and known... He accepts me just as I am... Marthy and all... and this life He's given me is overflowingly abundant... fulfilled. I feel so alive. And it is all because of Jesus.
Furious
Nothing can tear us from
The grip of His mighty love
We’ve only glimpsed, His vast affection
Heard whispers of, His heart and passion
It’s pouring out…
His love is deep,
His love is wide
And it covers us
His love is fierce, His love is strong
It is furious
His love is sweet, His love is wild
And it's waking hearts to life
The Father loves and sends His son
The Son lays down His life for all
He lavishes His love upon us
He calls us now, His sons and daughters
He’s reaching out…
… and its waking hearts to life. -Jeremy Riddle
His love has definitely awakened my heart to life. Abundant life in Him. What a great Lent... and I'm looking forward to an amazing year. :)
Congrats if you made it this far. This was a long one.
too much love,
Tiff
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