Today's sermon gave me a lot to think about. It was about friendship. It was quite timely actually. I've been pondering my friends... the blessings that they are... how I can encourage them more... how I can be a better friend... and I think the sermon gave me the insight I needed... at least generally.
From my notes...
Christian friendship...
- Sharpens (We call each other out in love. We help make one another better.)
- Supports (through hard times, through grief, we are to be present and be quiet)
- Celebrates (to joy with another's joy... even if it doesn't exactly excite me)
"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12-13 (ESV)
Jesus calls us to be a Christ-like friend to change the world. He, himself, set the example as the greatest friend EVER because He showed us the greatest love possible... by laying down His life for His friends (that would be us). We can love because He first loved us. When we receive Him as our Lord and Savior, the Holy Spirit dwells within us and we have the same love and same power He has to love in the ways He loves. It is therefore possible, my friends... to love as Jesus does... to see people as Jesus does... as friends... as worthy and valuable enough to die for.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. Philippians 2:3 (NASB)
So... I've been challenged... to be a friend who supports and sharpens. And I also write this down for myself as well. I am certain that I will need to remind myself of all of this very soon. Anyway... so my heart was moved tonight. I feel like quite a few people have shared their struggles with their singleness with me lately and every time my ears hear your struggle and my eyes see your loneliness... my heart moves and groans for yours. It is my hope and my prayer that I can be an encouragement to my single lovelies... but honestly, my dears... all I can do is share what helps get me through my own struggle. If it helps and it works for you... I'm glad. If not... it's OK. Just know that I wished and hoped with all my heart that I could help remind you that you are beautiful, you are worthy, and you are loved... and give you a big hug too.
No one's struggle and no one's pain is exactly the same. I recognize that. I know that some will look at me and say, "at least you were married... at least you found someone who loved you with the beautiful kind of love that I've always dreamed about..." and yes... I am blessed to have loved and to have been loved. Even amongst widows/widowers... the struggle is not exactly the same... you could always make the point, "well at least you had 30 years together before your husband passed..." but that's not really the nicest way to approach someone else's pain, is it? When people say those things or think those things, it's like trying to tell the other person that they don't understand your pain because their pain is much less than your own when in actuality... everyone's deepest pain is the worst ever to them because they themselves are the ones feeling it and experiencing it. You had a bad breakup. My husband died of brain cancer. It all hurts and we're all at varying stages of coping with and dealing with it. We can just come together and learn from one another... when we put aside our own pain and regard someone else's pain as more important than our own.
As I was trolling my FB feed, I found that somebody "liked" this so I read it and it really made me stop and think.
In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: “What kind of man are you looking for?”
She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye asking, ‘Do you really want to know?’
Reluctantly, he said,”Yes.”
She began to expound…
“As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can’t do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man…or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, ‘What can you bring to the table?’”
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.
She quickly corrected his thought & stated, “I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.”
He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.
She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, ‘Do you really want to know?’Reluctantly, he said,”Yes.”
She began to expound…
“As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can’t do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man…or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, ‘What can you bring to the table?’
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.
She quickly corrected his thought & stated, “I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.”He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.
She said, “I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple-minded man.
I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked…believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.
I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don’t need a financial burden.
I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.
I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man.
I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.
I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him.
I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive…he just has to be worthy.
And by the way, I am not looking for him…He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.”
When she finished her spiel, she looked at him.
He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said,”You are asking a lot.”
She replied, “I’m worth a lot”.
At first, I was like, YES. That is amazing. I SHOULD remember that I am worth a lot and that I should never settle. And then I thought again... it would be NICE to have all of those things... but do I NEED them and do I NEED them all right NOW? I was talking to a friend about our "lists" and basically it boiled down to... this... the man of my dreams would be able to tell me that he is madly in love with Jesus first, and me next and I will be able to say that to him as well. The rest, we will figure out, journey through, and grow together alongside one another. Is it too simplistic? I dunno. I am not ready-made-perfect and I can't expect someone else to be either. The woman who says she NEEDS all these things... she'd better be a woman who is striving for excellence in all areas of her life as well. Who am I to say that I'm the kind of woman who deserves this kind of man? I'd better be working on it and working on it hard if this is what I'm asking for.
I agreed with a lot of those statements but the part that actually stood out to me most was... "And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself." If God made me to be someone's helper... if I am tailor-made to be someone's helper... does it really mean that he will find me? That we were meant to be? Does that place all the burden on the man then? To be looking for me? I think... once again... if this is a man striving for excellence in all areas of his life... he will recognize those same qualities in me... and we will journey towards excellence together... maybe?
So I was talking with a friend the other day and she said that this book called, "The Exemplary Husband", changed her brother's life. I might be exaggerating and paraphrasing but... it got me curious. So I bought it. And then I thought it unfair (and slightly ridiculous) that I was interested in reading about how to become an exemplary husband when I will never be able to become one... so I also ended up buying the companion book for women entitled, "The Excellent Wife". I also thought it somewhat unfair to read the husband book before I read the wife book so I decided to read the wife book first. And if I ever get through the Excellent Wife book...I'll get to read the husband book and find out what was so life-changing about it.
So I was talking with a friend the other day and she said that this book called, "The Exemplary Husband", changed her brother's life. I might be exaggerating and paraphrasing but... it got me curious. So I bought it. And then I thought it unfair (and slightly ridiculous) that I was interested in reading about how to become an exemplary husband when I will never be able to become one... so I also ended up buying the companion book for women entitled, "The Excellent Wife". I also thought it somewhat unfair to read the husband book before I read the wife book so I decided to read the wife book first. And if I ever get through the Excellent Wife book...I'll get to read the husband book and find out what was so life-changing about it.
It's not surprising that the first few chapters of The Excellent Wife go over Proverbs 31... I haven't gotten very far in this book so I can't speak for the rest of it... but this is not a bad place to start if I want to know more about how to be an excellent wife.
The Woman Who Fears the Lord
10 An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
and he will have no lack of gain.
all the days of her life.
and works with willing hands.
she brings her food from afar.
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
and makes her arms strong.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
and her hands hold the spindle.
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
when he sits among the elders of the land.
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
and she laughs at the time to come.
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
her husband also, and he praises her:
but you surpass them all.”
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
and let her works praise her in the gates.
Many a woman have read through the Proverbs 31 description and have decided that it was impossible for them. But I think that it's just one of those things... like the fruit of the Spirit... where if you cultivate the tree, the fruit will grow naturally. Every Christian woman has the power, the strength, and the wisdom to become a Proverbs 31 woman... because the Holy Spirit dwells within us. As we are conformed to His likeness... sanctified and made holy through the continual process of refinement and transformation... we CAN become a woman whose husband praises her... whose children call her blessed... who has a husband whose heart trusts in her and whose worth is far more precious than jewels. If I want to be this kind of woman... a woman of excellence... and I delight myself in the Lord... He will grant me the desires of my heart. I don't see any reason why He wouldn't.
A few of the other things that have encouraged me lately... I've been reading in 1 Samuel 8... about the Israelites and their desire for a king. Maybe this is a stretch but God used this story about the Israelites to remind me... why I shouldn't be jealous of other nations who have a king... or other women who have husbands or boyfriends. The Israelites wanted a king because they wanted to be like the other nations and they wanted a king to lead them in war. To me... this sounds like they want the glorious parts about having a king... without realizing that the king will tax them, will make them into slaves, will take the best of their land, the best of their crops, the best of their livestock... and give it to their servants in their palace. Without a king... God is their king. God is the most perfect King ever. If God is the only One to whom I need to submit my life to... it's not a bad thing... in fact... it's a great thing. The Apostle Paul reminds us that it is a good thing to remain single... it is a gift. But then again, I think that if the desire is in your heart... you probably weren't meant to be single...
I really don't think I was meant to be single, but the fact that I am... doesn't mean that I am any less valuable or that God loves me less than the next person... in fact, He probably loves me more because I am in desperate need of Him and His love even more as a single woman. I trust in His provision for my life and I also trust that God knows how to give good gifts to His children and He would not withhold good things if it weren't in my best interests for the time being. If I think back on all the ways in which God has provided for me... through my job... my career... in my church... in granting me the desires of my heart... even in the small things when my heart desired a bag of fritos and someone delivered me some... why wouldn't He also take care of this big desire as well? And if the answer He gives me is "no" and I am to remain single for the rest of my life... there must be a reason for it. There must be some series of events in my life which necessitate me to retain the best of me to do His good work... and having a boyfriend or husband would only detract from that. Maybe there's something I need to learn and the only way I can feasibly learn it is through my singleness. Or MAYBE... and God totally loves to do this btw... where He waits until it's like humanly impossible and then He goes and zaps His glory down to show you that this turn of events could ONLY have come from Him... just like Sarah becoming preggers with Isaac... like pushing the Israelites up against the raging Red Sea as the Egyptians pursued them... like fishing all night and coming up with nothing and then having Jesus say just drop your nets one more time and you do it and you haul in the biggest load of fish of your life... so much so that your nets are going to break. We never know, my friends... what crazy amazing things God is going to do in our lives with our singleness. Don't waste one more minute wishing it away... spend every minute from now until it's no longer here... relishing in the blessing of it... making the most out of it... and I think that by the end of our lives... if we have ended up journeying our way to heaven without a male life mate... we can all look back and marvel at all the glorious things God did in our lives when we embraced the life God gifted and tailored specifically for us and strived for excellence in every aspect of it. Win-win.
Ok it's way late. Better go. If you're a single guy... you can just switch it all and use your imagination. Sorry. This one was for my lady friends more than anything else but maybe you could learn a few things too. Who knows.
much love,
Tiff
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