First off, I woke up today for the first time in a long time with some bubblies and I was bouncy while brushing my teeth. That was a nice feeling. I also got a chance to sleep for almost 9 hours straight. So good, so good. I had a good dinner the night before, breakfast and lunch were prepared for me... and I only had a 15 minute commute to clinicals today. So lovely.
I really enjoy spending time at City of Hope. My preceptor already knows that I always want to take walks or eat outside any chance I get. That's pretty funny since I've only met her a couple times. We've also started to have a lot of discussions about the DNP role, our dissertation projects... future endeavors... how we want to impact the field of nursing... it's pretty awesome.
I'm really glad I started out with a really good baseline today because the patients I got the opportunity to meet today... really, really moved my heart. If I had been in a more delicate state, I might have started crying at multiple points of the day today. It's happened before where I've cried during a patient encounter. I don't really prefer it but I usually get and give hugs afterwards so it's not all bad. So far, all my patients have been wonderful... and it's probably because I have selective memory and choose to remember the amazing ones.
Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of 6th sense... it's not always correct and it's not always "on" but sometimes I can walk into a room or a building and I get feelings... like an aura... it's invisible and it has nothing to do with smells... it has to do with the feelings that a building evoke in me. Sometimes I think it has to do with the colors I see... maybe it's the architecture or the layout of the furniture. I'm really not sure what it is... but when I walk into City of Hope... I feel a lot of heart... a lot of caring... a lot of emotion. When I walk around, I smile at people and they smile back and when they do, it's like we just had a connection... as if we have mutually acknowledged not only each other's existence, but each other's pain and suffering... and then the smile takes on a deeper meaning than one shared between strangers in a different setting.
I really like this place. I don't know if the more exposure I get to things, the harder it's going to become for me to decide on where I want to work. Everywhere I go, I feel like I could see myself working there... ministering there... helping people there. City of Hope is a special place though. I have vivid memories of that outpatient unit where I'm at right now because Anderson and I had a few appointments there a very long time ago. It was only a few appointments, but I distinctly remember studying for the NCLEX in that waiting area in Outpatient 2C. I remember going to admitting and having them put the ID bracelet on him. I remember walking by that fountain as you enter into the main building... and I remember it all every single time I find myself there now... in a different capacity.
I had lunch by the fountain today. Last time, I had lunch in a courtyard. The time before that, I had lunch in a quad area of some sort. There was a squirrel there who looked like he was going to jump me for my food. It was cute and slightly scary at the same time. I stared at the squirrel who stared back at me... and I looked out at the fountain... and I was filled with peace and happiness. And also filled with food too. I only ate half my lunch and I was stuffed. Although... I think eating the entire thing might have been a bit ridiculous. I had a beet salad and a bunch of peaches... and I still had a banana and a whole tray of Korean sushi... which I'm eating right now.
Cancer patients are a very special population. I think there will always be a soft spot in my heart for them and their caregivers. In looking over the patients from today... I noticed a marked difference in the way the patients interacted with us (the providers) when they had a lot of support and when they didn't have a lot of support. The pain and frustration that they felt seemed to be a thousand times amplified without the support of loved ones. The pain that I saw in the eyes of those extremely sick and physically weakened patients was a different kind entirely... it was sadness... it was grief... it was mourning their own life... fear for the loved ones they leave behind... and a little bit of hopelessness and despair at their bodies which are riddled with cancer cells... pounding with pain from either the cancer or the chemo... and desperately trying to find relief... from us and whatever we can do to help make their journey just a little bit better.
I mentioned earlier that I wanted to cry at multiple points in the day... but it wasn't always the sadness and empathy that were putting pressure on the dam holding back my tears... it was actually a deep awe and respect for the men caring for these women who could no longer take care of themselves. They were so strong, so detailed, so obsessed with caring for their wives... they advocated, they clarified, they kept notes in their little folders... and every once in a while, they'd look at their wives and I could see it in their eyes... they were telling their wives, "you are the love of my life and I will do anything and everything to keep you here with me as long as I possibly can." I'd look at her eyes... I'd see how tired she was... and then I'd look at his eyes and see fierce determination alternating with tender love. I FELT their love and I FELT their strength... and it just about moved me to tears... and it definitely made my heart ache for these lovely, lovely people.
I love my patient population. They are so gosh darn cute. I love how the men have tucked their button down shirts into their high-waisted, belted pants... and how their pants end a little bit above the floor and cover their neat, white tennis shoes. Is it some kind of geriatric dress code? I love the little old ladies (or actually some of the big old ladies nowadays...) with their crazy colored tops and their hoodies or sweaters... their big purses with every little knick knack in them. They dress in like... ice cream colors... like rainbow sherbet. Why is that?
And the comments they make... LOL...
NP: And then there's Miralax... which is also called polyethylene glycol...I looked it up later. Antifreeze is ethylene glycol. Add a "poly" and it becomes a laxative. Nice. LOL. They're so fun. Ahh. I love my work. I love being around people. Listening to them. Asking them questions. Trying to figure out how I can help them. They make my heart smile.
man: POLYETHYLENE GLYCOL! That sounds like anti-freeze!
NP: well... it will anti-freeze your bowels for you...
I was walking out of the hospital and I was so thankful for the blessing of nursing... how it cares for me and my heart... and how it also provides for me financially. I'm thankful for the luxury I have to go back to school and do something I want to do. And I'm thankful that God has opened the eyes of my heart so I could SEE tiny glimpses of the way God must see His people... and it makes me feel love for them.
I also feel very cared for today. I spent some time during lunch remembering people that God has brought into my life. Faces came to mind... and I ran through the series of events which led me to know them... and I became even more thankful for the blessing of them. Some people I haven't seen in months... and when I send a text/email letting them know I was thinking of them... I automatically get a message back asking when we can catch up and hang out. I have friends which make me laugh spontaneously just from thinking about them... I have friends who will cry with me when I cry... laugh with me when I laugh... who will work out with me... walk around the neighborhood with me... go shopping with me... who will share their anxieties... share their hurt... share their struggles... ask their questions and listen to my responses... and friends who will listen to my heart... listen to my struggles... listen to my craziness and help carry me through... I just cannot believe I am surrounded by such amazing people. I am so loved.
Does God look around the world and just delight to think on the stories of our lives? Will we, one day in heaven, just sit with God and recount the good times and the fond memories? Will He let us share our version and then smile and share His side with all the little details that we never noticed in the moment... but that He, in His great love for us, took the time to orchestrate so that He could show us how much He loves us? I look forward to that day. And I hope you all look forward to it too.
Not every work day is like this. Sometimes it's not so fun, but some days it is... and most days I leave work not only with a sense of relief that I get to go home now... but with a sense of satisfaction and peace that I am in the right field... that I am doing what God wants me to do... and that I got a chance to smile and hopefully impart just a little bit of my love into the small bit of time I got to spend with them.
I am in some kind of mood today. Well... I'd better get working on my homework before my euphoria dies down and I end up falling asleep before getting anything done.
much love,
Tiff
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