Day 158 - My Happy

When I came back from Houston... someone asked me an interesting question. It stuck in my mind because it's not something that people usually ask. He asked me:

"do you think you can ever be happy again?"

It's such an honest question. I wonder if he feared the answer. Maybe I'll ask him one of these days. He might not even remember he asked the question, but I remember being asked. Very vividly.

How would you answer that question? If the love of your life was taken away? If everything you hoped and dreamed for were to crumble before your very eyes? Even now, I'm amazed at my own answer to the question. Without pause or hesitation, I said "yes, because my happiness isn't based on my husband, it's based on God". Yeah. I amaze myself that I answered like that maybe only a month or two after Anderson had passed. If someone asked that question again, I would hope that I would knee-jerk respond the same way.

Even now... 5 months after being widowed... I'm amazed. Only 158 days since I last held his hand... since my lips last touched his. His body was lifeless 158 days ago, but it still somehow brought me comfort to touch him. He'd scheduled e-cards to be sent to me... I got them every few weeks... yesterday I had the thought that maybe I'd received the last one EVER a few weeks ago... and my eyes started to well up with tears. I didn't sob. I just let maybe two big boys fall slowly out of my eyes... and then it was done. I also cried a tear this morning for him... as I laid in bed... thinking. I forgot about it until I felt the gritty crustiness of a dried tear extending out from my right eye, about an inch into my temple. Note to self: always wash your face after having cried in bed.

He used to call me his happy. I don't know if any man has ever laughed at me more than my late husband but if that meant that he was happy... if me being me... unrestrainedly ME... made him happy, then I'm glad cuz I really wasn't trying to make him happy... just to love him and enjoy him.

He was my happy too. I delighted in him. Just having him nearby gave me peace and contentment. He was the only person I knew who could make me feel better no matter how ugly, frustrated, or horribly crappy I was feeling. He never let me forget that I was beautiful. He always said that I was the most beautiful woman in the world. I'd tell him that he was crazy...and blind. But he'd always say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that I was hands down the most beautiful woman EVER. To which I'd almost always say "I lava july" :P (say it out loud if you don't get it). He was my emotional regulator... the ocean breeze that blew away the hot, smoggy stressors of life that threatened to suffocate me at every turn. Even as he was struggling for his last breaths after they removed the breathing tube, I watched the video he recorded for me and it brought me comfort. And then my happy was gone. Logically, I shouldn't be happy. But I am.

Whenever I meet new people, they remind me... that I shouldn't be happy. Not that they tell me that I shouldn't be happy, but whenever they see my rings and ask me when I got engaged or married, I just look them in the eye and tell them that I'm recently widowed. The usual response is immediate shock, a very abrupt fall in countenance and a quick and awkward blurb like "oh, I'm so sorry" "that must be difficult for you" "I can't imagine how you must be feeling"... my favorite one is "I don't know what to say". I think it's definitely the most honest comment I've encountered. There really isn't any "right" thing anyone can say in response to catastrophic loss. These kinds of things leave ME speechless. I usually respond by saying that I'm OK, really. And I really am. Honestly, I don't remember that I should be sad until people remind me that I should be. It's a good reminder. It reminds me how far I've come... how gracious God's been to me... how marvelous is His healing power to restore and pick up the broken pieces of my life and turn it into something beautiful. I wonder what Anderson would say if I asked him now... "how do I look?" I'm hoping/guessing he'd say "more beautiful than ever, my beauTIFFul wife".

Hm. I didn't mean for this post to be a super long one, but it looks like it's going to be.

So, I've been holding off posting about this... mostly because it's not resolved yet, but I woke up this morning and I felt like writing about it... so I am. Sometimes... I think it's nice to let people in on the journey as you're going through it even though it's also nice to tell a story that has an ending.

OK so... I've been applying to nursing jobs for the past few months... ever since I've been back home. I've applied to 10 different hospitals. I guess I could still apply more... felt like a whole lot. Anyway, so I hadn't heard back from many of them... half of them let me know that the positions had already been filled. I contacted a few of the recruiters and asked them what I could do to improve my chances for next time... a few of them said that there really isn't much I could do... they simply don't have enough spots for the sheer volume of applications they're receiving. One recruiter said they had over 200 applicants for 4 positions. That's less than a 2% chance. Even at my very best, I don't think I'm top 2%. Oh well. The economy has impacted the amount of new graduate nursing positions for each hospital. It costs about $20K to train a new nurse in the hospital. So yeah... that's what it's been like... applying for new grad positions.

So I have a google document to track my applications, websites, my notes on the recruiters and what they said (have you noticed that I have a google doc for almost everything?). On the last day of my public health nursing clinical, two of my classmates encouraged me to apply to their hospital. So I checked it out... I called HR... updated my applications document and then scrolled up. The last place I applied to was Little Company of Mary in Torrance. So I randomly decided to check if little company had any new listings. They did. So I applied again. According to my notes, that was 12/9/09. A few hours after I applied, I got a phone call from the recruiter at Little Company. Surprising; since I'd only ever gotten emails back letting me know that positions had been filled. I got an actual phone call. And this one wasn't to let me know that the position had been filled... this one was to ask me to submit a portfolio. The recruiter also told me that he never calls new grads...he just doesn't have the time to... but that he saw something on my application that he liked. Wow. Totally God.

So I collected the paperwork for my portfolio 2 days after the call... the only hold-up would be for my letters of recommendation. This was the beginning of finals week so I wasn't expecting too much from my professors... just hoping that they'd be able to write one for me... before Christmas. I hated to send reminder emails, but I just had to do it. A few days into finals week, a friend of mine who works at Little Company let me know that she knew the recruiter and that he was expecting a call from me. Oops. So I called. He and I had a nice little chat and he again, highly encouraged me to get my letters of rec and turn in my portfolio asap. By God's grace, I was able to get all my letters of rec by Saturday, the 19th of December. For one of them, I went to visit my professor and sat in her office as she wrote me the letter. Not a problem... it was fun to catch up... and praise God again that I didn't get a ticket for parking over an hour in the 30 minute zone.

Dec 21st, I was supposed to hang out with my friend in Pasadena... but at around 12:30am-ish on the 21st, I asked if it was OK if we met up in Torrance instead. Thankfully, she was very flexible and gracious (cuz I woke her up with my phone call) so I called the recruiter in the morning and asked if it was OK to stop by to drop off the portfolio... he said that he had time after 2pm (perfect!)... so my friend and I had breakfast in Torrance, walked around Del Amo... and then she came with me to drop off my portfolio at Little Company. We took a tour of the hospital and I somehow managed to run into 2 out of the 3 ppl I knew that were working there... the third person works nights so I wouldn't have run into her anyway... but really... what are the chances?

So we were done by... 3:30pm-ish... I hung out with my friend a little bit more and headed home around 4-ish. Went to hang out with another friend after that... while I was at her house... at maybe 6pm, I got another call from the recruiter asking if I could come in for an interview the next day at around 11am. He wasn't certain yet so I had to call him back at 9pm that night to confirm. More wowzers. I called at 9 and he said he still hadn't gotten complete confirmation from the manager, but to call again at 7:55am the next day to confirm. So I called at 7:55am the next day and confirmed an interview at 10:40am, just a few hours later. Do you know how fast God can work? It was amazing.

In between 7:55am and 9:45am... I was getting ready for the interview. Clothes, shoes... but more importantly... getting my heart, soul, and mind ready. I was thoroughly unprepared, but I knew that if I rested my hope in God... if I was filled with His Holy Spirit... He'd give me the words to say... the wisdom I needed... the calmness, confidence, and peace to get through the interview OK. Sent an email to my small group and a few selected people to pray for me and to share a quick praise report about all the things that had happened the past few days.

So I started driving... had to get gas... I (mistakenly) decided to take the 60/605 instead of the 57/91 route to Torrance... so I was stuck in a lot of traffic on the 60 and 605. But it was a good time in the car... to slow down... listen to some good music... to pray. I abhor traffic. Especially when I have to be somewhere....but that day, it was OK. I was not frustrated... yet.

I got there 5 minutes late, I valeted my car... swung my jacket on and ran into HR. Thankfully again, the recruiter wasn't really waiting for me... he didn't even know what time it was when I got there. Answered a few questions. He asked me how I was doing. I said I was a little nervous. He stopped to encourage me and reassure me... to just do my best so when all of this is over, I can look myself in the mirror and say that regardless of whether or not I get the job, I'll know, myself, that I did my very best, no regrets. He also encouraged me to just be myself and said that I was a good person... and that you can't teach someone to be a good person... they're born that way. Can anyone dispute that God's hand was in this process? Seriously... the first real job interview I ever went on, the person who interviewed me made me cry she was so mean to me.

So the recruiter walked me up to the manager's office. All the while, he was encouraging me, making jokes... it was nice. So when I interviewed, I was able to answer the questions I was expecting... my strengths, my weaknesses... why I'm a nurse... why I'd want to work at a faith-based hospital... and then came the nursing questions. Totally wasn't expecting them, but maybe I would have been had I had more time to prepare. Medications, scenarios... took me by surprise. Thankfully once again, I'd done my internship on a telemetry floor so I was able to answer almost all of them, but seriously... only by God's grace did I get through 30 minutes of non-stop questioning...with little to no feedback on how I was doing. After the interview, the manager took me on a tour of the floor and sent me back down to HR. We chatted a little bit more... the recruiter again spent more time encouraging me... explained the benefits, etc. of working at the hospital. He told me I should hear back from him by next week (which is this week) as to whether or not they have a position for me.

So that was last week. I hadn't thought too much about it since Christmas came and went... but this morning I had a dream that someone came to tell me that I didn't get the job... but gave me a box of cheez-its for consolation. Cheez-its wrapped in an Envirosac, which she threw away, but I rescued it from the trash. I woke up a little bit disappointed. I'm not saying that my dreams are prophetic... it might just be my subconscious expressing my fears... but I woke up disappointed.

So that's when the question popped into my head again... "do you think you can ever be happy again?" Thoughts of Anderson washed over me. That's when I cried that crusty tear and then decided to blog.

And then I thought again... that I'm happy. My happiness isn't based on what's happening all around me. My happiness is from within... nestled deep within the center of my heart... the core of my being... and the happiness is there because God is there.

Content Whatever the Circumstances

I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles. ^{Phil 4:10-14} (The Message)

I read this a while ago... the image has stayed in my mind since then.

For the hearts that will cease focusing on themselves, there is "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding" (Phil. 4:7); "quietness and trust" (Isa. 30:15), which is the source of all strength; a "great peace" that will never "make them stumble" (Ps. 119:165); and a deep rest, which the world can never give nor take away. Deep within the center of the soul is a chamber of peace where God lives and where, if we enter it and quiet all the other sounds, we can hear His "gentle whisper" (1 Kings 19:12).

Even in the fastest wheel that is turning, if you look at the center, where the axle is found, there is no movement at all. And even in the busiest life, there is a place where we may dwell alone with God in eternal stillness. - Streams in the Desert, Nov 24

Grounded and secured in the axle of God, I will have stability, peace, contentment... happiness, no matter how fast the wheel is spinning... no matter how bumpy the road traveled. And I've found it true in my life. The bumpier the road, the more I need to be strongly secured and attached to the axle.

Did you know I actually started blogging or emailing because I hated to repeat myself? There's also a reason why I sent an engagement email as opposed to calling people one by one. I absolutely hated to repeat myself. Even with news as good as my engagement... which, again, was kind of bittersweet because we'd just found out that his tumor had come back the 2nd time and that he was scheduled for surgery a month later. But nowadays... I really don't mind repeating myself... when it comes to telling the story about how God's carried me through this past year... of all the things I've learned... all the growth I've undergone... how God masterfully orchestrated each and every detail of my life to prepare me for the storms of this year and how He's drawn me so much closer to Him as a result... how abundant life is in Christ... how lavish His love for me and for His people... and each and every time I tell my story, I'm hit again by how much God has blessed me, how vast His love and grace is to me... how He has taken care of my every need... every single time.

His faithfulness and His love for me is... so amazing. Read this today... when I read the whole verse in its context... it made me kind of chuckle but it's actually more true than when I'd only read the first line in my morning devotional.

Your love for me was wonderful,
more wonderful than that of women. (1 Samuel 1:26b)

This is David, lamenting over the death of his best friend, Jonathan. My heart says that to God. Your love for me IS wonderful... more wonderful than that of [men] or Anderson... or than any man on this earth could ever love me. Anderson was my happy, but God is my ultimate Happy.

The devotional used it as something that she'd love to have God say to her at the end of her life... to have God tell her that through the hardships of life, though

"you were never popular on this earth, nobody knew much about you, though your life lived to My glory in the uninspiriting sphere of duty seemed to be wasted and its sacrifice to be worthless by those who knew it; but your love to Me was wonderful! Men said you made mistakes and were narrow-minded and did not catch the spirit of the age. Men thought you were a fanatic fool and called you so; men crucified you as they crucified Me, but your love to Me was wonderful!"- Springs in the Valley, Dec 28

My Happy. My God.

I'll keep you all posted on whether or not I got the job. Until next time...

Day 154

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Question: Look deep into your heart and ask yourself... what do you want more than anything else?

Please respond (honestly) to this question as a Christmas gift to me. :)

Day 147 - always together... and rocks.

I have a video of Anderson recorded on my phone. It was recorded right before his first spine surgery on Memorial Day 2009... maybe a week after we had found out that there were multiple tumors growing all along his spine.

In the video he wanted to tell me and remind me that "I love you... I love you a lot. Everything's going to be ok... because we're always together".

I used to watch it over and over again, every night when I felt lonely. Sometimes I just wanted to see his face again, see his eyes, his mouth moving... sometimes I just wanted to hear his voice. It'd make me cry, but I'd usually feel better even though we weren't together anymore.

Sometimes God uses people to speak to us... to speak His truth to us. Today it really hit me how powerfully God has used Anderson to speak God's truth to me by his love for me. Through loving me the way he did... with a love that only comes from God... Anderson really gave me a glimpse of the love that God has for me. God spoke the words through Anderson's mouth... everything's going to be ok, dearest... because I am always with you, and we're always together. Everywhere I go and everything I do, God is here with me. Loving me, encouraging me... protecting me, guiding me.

It is better to be in a storm with Jesus than to be anywhere else without Him. I would rather be in a fiery furnace with Jesus than in a palace without Him. I would rather be in a lion's den with Jesus, or in a prison, or even shipwrecked, than to be elsewhere without Him. As long as I know Jesus is there, then I can get through it. -Greg Laurie

I've been thinking a lot lately... about rocks. Silly thing to think about, I know. I've said it before that someone once told me that I was like a rock... in that it seemed that I was solid and emotionally unaffected by whatever was going on around me. I think it might have seemed that way to her because I varied little... however the constancy that she saw in me was not because I was unwaveringly grounded and solid... like a rock... it was because I felt no emotion. I'd put up so many walls so high, so completely surrounding my heart that nothing could reach it... and because nothing reached it... my heart was little and weak. Thinking about it... I think I'd surrounded my heart with walls of cold, hard, gray rocks. Being surrounded by them, my heart became LIKE them... my heart was hard...like a rock. If your heart is the wellspring of life... uhm... mine was dysfunctional. Life was gray, life was cold. So in turn... I was gray and cold and probably entirely unattractive.

If I was impenetrable... like a rock... I could at least make the most of it by being consistent. I'd been hurt by people who promised things and never followed through. I'd made it a point that if I said something, I'd do it or at least try my best to. I didn't want to have people know me as someone who would say one thing but expect that I would never do it. So I strived for consistency and reliability. That's where that attribute came from. Been working on it ever since I was in... jr hi or high school.

I think a lot of people probably look or looked at me and saw my rock wall. It used to take a special type of person who could look beyond the rock wall and see my heart for what it was. Or maybe I allowed a little hole here or there and if someone happened to be walking by, they'd get a tiny glimpse. I don't really know what my first boyfriend saw in me. I actually don't even remember the first time we met or the first time we talked. All I remember about that time was that... someone saw me. Someone noticed. Someone sought me out and I began to feel. All those sappy songs that people write to try to describe love... they started to make sense. And then Pandora's box of emotions flew open. Pandora really let loose especially after we broke up. What a mess. Needy, insecure, manipulative, prideful... all of that was revealed. I cared a whole lot, but I was selfish. In that relationship was my first major testing. I was not strong, like a rock. I was more like those jelly beans that look like rocks. I could not take the pressure. I could not stand upright.

I don't know who writes for Bible Pathways but here's one from today...

You do not put your trust in one you do not know, and the great problem is that so few take the time to really know God by daily praying and reading His Word. Many have heard much about Him; but when problems come, their hold is so slight, their acquaintance so superficial, that they do not know the power of God.

I think that's what was revealed to me. I didn't know the power of God.

Yesterday's Experiencing God talked about being built on a rock. What does that mean? It means that if your life is a house, to be built on a rock is to build your life on a solid foundation... the chief Cornerstone... Jesus, who is the Word of God. Truth. Why is it important to be built on a rock and not on sand? When the storms of life come... those who are attached and standing on the rock, will not be shaken, your house/life will not crumble, the ground will not give underneath your feet... and you can have peace and assurance knowing that you are safe. So no matter what's going on all around you... no matter if the love of your life is diagnosed with brain cancer, no matter what the storms of life throw your way... you will be able to say that I've got the secret to peace no matter my circumstances. Peace that's not dependent on the weather, but upon the security of being with and near Jesus.

So really... it's not that I want to be a rock... I need to be built upon the Rock. And the rock walls I put around me had to come down in order for that to happen.

More from Experiencing God... how to be built on the Rock... it involves "systematically striving to implement the truths of God's Word into your life. Spiritual depth and maturity do not come without consistent effort" (Blackaby & Blackaby, 2006, p. 367). Ya like my APA in-text citation? I've been writing lots of papers lately. I'm not gonna put a references list at the bottom of this post tho. Sorry. Anyway, back to building on a rock... Blackaby & Blackaby make the point that building on a rock is hard. It's laborious and tedious, however, it is secure.

I don't think I ever thought about it being hard. Never consciously anyway. Interesting. I think I'd always just heard that verse and said, yeah the wise man builds on the rock cuz it's smart and the foolish man builds on the sand because he's dumb. I'll just choose the rock cuz I wanna be smart about it. Yeah. I didn't get it. And I don't think I was doing it for most of my life... I probably just thought I was.

It takes great sacrifice to build yourself on the Rock. It takes discipline. The building materials are not easily obtained... they come from God and you need to ask for it. Thankfully though, when you ask, He is faithful and generous to give it. Daily going into His Word and applying it in your life is like building up your house with true and trustworthy materials... even if it's not what the world would want you to use... even if it looks like reject stuff on the outside according to what man sees... have confidence in knowing that God's Words are not junk, are not worthless, and irrelevant. It is incorruptible. It lives, it's truth, it never fades, it endures forever.

Thinking back... this past year... I really wanted to follow God's example by setting up memorials or festivals or just demarcate certain significant times or events in my life for the purpose of truly remembering God's faithfulness, His power, and His deliverance in my life. To remember and to give Him glory for all the work He's done in my life.

So I sat down and I thought about it. I thought there'd be a whole lot that I could memorialize. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that pivotal junctures in my life which I thought were meaningful were just stepping stones... training ground... to prepare me for this year. Every little breakthrough was a little lesson here, a little lesson there... all culminating and strengthening me for the major storms of this year.

I could only think of two events. (1) our wedding and (2) Anderson's death.

I think I'll elaborate on those two events at another time. I more wanted to talk about how much the recent storms of my life have impacted me.

You really never know how strong something is until it's tested. Like... is that really a rock or is it a jelly bean that looks like a rock? Here's a fun picture of jelly bean rocks.

So... yes... testing. Pressure. Fire. It's a good thing. Don't get mad at the source of pressure or at the fire itself. Get mad because your house is crumbling under the weight of it or being burned up. These are the times that alert you that you need to do some reinforcing in this part or that part. It's not the storm's fault that I used shoddy materials or that I didn't spend much time and care building up one part of my life... it's my own fault. Now that I know, I can work with God to build it back up the right way, the strong way... on the Rock and in the manner to which He wanted me to build it in the first place. It's like rain revealing a leaky roof. Do we get mad at the rain for revealing the leak or pay attention to the leak and plan on fixing the roof?

Anything that disturbs my peace, any negative emotion, any harshness, bitterness, anger, frustration... all of those things are signs of sin in my life. Weak places in my heart that I'd neglected that only come to my attention when I'm tested.

So how do you know when you've come out of the testing with approval? No leaks, yes. No negative consequences. But there are positives that you can look for.

1 Peter 1:6-7
⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Genuine faith resulting in praising, honoring and giving glory to God after refinement by fire. Good stuff.

OK, tired of writing, but still more to say. Maybe another day.

Day 143 - Spock!

aww... today is day 143. 143 is like ancient pager code for "I love you".

So, I had an awesome day today. It was probably the first day in a long time that I would constitute as "awesome". What made it awesome, you ask? God made it awesome. My heart and soul was refreshed. Ahh. So nice. Cried a lot today too during small groups. Always awesome to cry with my gals. Sometimes I have no idea what I'm talking about once I start crying. It's like a blur. Words and tears just come pouring out together... unrestrainedly. I think my teards (tear+words? is it working? too close to turds?) were teards of gratitude, of thankfulness, of love... hope so anyway. K. So. Enough randomness. Spock.

So... I'm kind of a trekkie. Anderson never understood it. Even after I made him watch a few movies... he still made fun of me. That and he couldn't even tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. It's OK. I forgave him and we had a beautiful marriage nevertheless. It took me a LONG TIME to watch the new Star Trek movie... mostly cuz I was busy with school, but now that it's out on DVD/Blu-Ray, I've been watching it... kind of a lot.

Are you out of your Vulcan mind? - McCoy

I think I've always admired Spock. For his logic... and for the nobility of his character... in sacrificing himself in that radiation chamber thingee to save the Enterprise and its crew... anyway... so something he says every once in a while is...

If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

I think when you first hear it, you're somewhat just wow'ed by the words, kinda agree with it and then move on with the rest of the movie. Or maybe that's just what happened with me. This time (or I can't remember which time I watched it)... when he said it... I just thought about it. I thought about it over and over and over again.

Seems to make sense. It makes sense when applied to a lot of things... but not with the gospel.

Define "impossible".

The gospel is impossible. But does that make it a lie? Nope. Just inconsistent with Vulcan logic.

So... what is the gospel and why is it impossible? The gospel is that Jesus Christ, the perfect, sinless, Son of God, came to earth fully man and fully God, died an unjust death at the hands of the very people he came to save, rose again on the 3rd day, to conquer death and pay the ultimate once-and-for-all sacrifice to redeem the sins of all of mankind... according to scripture. If we believe that He did this, that we are sinners in need of a savior who did all of that for us... we will be saved and have eternal life. Anyone who believes in their heart can be saved. Has nothing to do with working for it or earning it... it's a free for all... free for the taking. K. Now that sounds pretty darn impossible to me. Eternal life is free? God became man? Rose from the dead? All impossible. But what is impossible for a human is possible with God. So I could say that about anything that's impossible, so how do I know it's true? (1) I know it's true because God has opened my eyes so that I see that it is true and (2) I know it's true because this impossible gospel has changed my life... impossibly... to the point where I know that it's nothing that I did... it was all God. How can I have joy in my suffering? How can I go on living when the love of my life was taken away from me after only six months of marriage? How can I go on smiling? How can I function in the face of tragedy? How can I ever love anyone or anything again? How can I say that I have peace and joy within my heart? And I'm not lying. I really am OK. The God of the impossible has made it possible in me. So... if there was ANY doubt in the existence of God, in the power of the gospel, in the abundant life or in existence of peace that is incomprehensible... all of that doubt is wiped away in the face of the proof that is my life... my testimony. And not just mine... in the testimony and proof of countless other Christians who have truly experienced God in a powerful way.

So many times, we hear that Christianity is all about faith. And it is. I don't know what's going to happen in my life... I just know that it's gonna be OK because God says so... so I have faith in that. I wasn't there when Christ died and rose again, but I believe that it happened... I take it on faith. But if I didn't see it, does it mean that it didn't happen? No. I never saw my parents being born... but their existence... and mine... is proof that it happened.

Faith and logic appear to be incompatible. But I think it really depends on what you have faith in. If you were going to have faith in SOMETHING or SOMEONE, wouldn't you want it to be in an all-powerful, all-knowing God who loves you and wants the best for you... ALWAYS? He has said that He will never leave us or forsake us... that the good work He has started in us, He will complete. If my God can make the impossible happen... if He can turn an ugly, unjust death and turn it into the most beautiful act of love in the history of mankind... I think he can handle pretty much everything and anything. Faith in the infallible, is the logical choice.

I'm a fairly logical person. Someone once told me that I somehow had the ability to "logic" myself out of sticky situations... like a man. It doesn't always work, but I guess it's one of my more masculine traits or tendencies.

Logic offers [Vulcans] a serenity humans seldom experience, a control of feelings so that they do not control you. - Spock's dad.

Feelings are fleeting. Feelings are fickle. Feelings are based on... a perceived, subjective reality. What is logical, is to adhere to the objective reality and live based on that. We learned from the pulpit today that the Bible is our source of objective reality. We can trust in it. Learn from it. Be changed by it. If you wanna find out what Christianity is all about... you can read it yourself. You don't have to take another person's word for it... don't even take another person's testimony for it. You can find out for yourself... directly.

So... if the gospel is true, and if eternal life is truly free for the taking... isn't the logical thing to do... to share it with others? Whether or not they believe is up to them... but as far as you and I go... that's pretty much all we need to do. Just share and let the gospel and the Power behind it speak for Itself.

Hm. I think that may be all the thoughts I have on Spock, logic, and the gospel.

Here's a funny one...

Nowhere am I so desperately needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.

Any thoughts? Is my logic sound?

Day 142 - broken randomness

Wow. It's been a while since I've last written. Hm. 16 days. A lot's happened.

I've been waiting for some free time to write again and now that I have it, I'm having writer's block. I guess I'll just start writing how I feel.

I feel sad. I've been crying a lot this past week. Today, I spent most of the day on the verge of tears but they didn't come. I spent some time knitting. Cleaning my desk. Decided to watch Bolt. Right when Penny said "I miss him" I burst into tears.

Tears are OK. Tears are cathartic. I welcome them. Let them fall.

I miss him.

Yesterday, I finished up my concept analysis on nurse's grief. I don't think it's my best paper ever, I might not even get an A, but I'm OK with that. I used myself as the model case. I wrote two paragraphs on the grief I experienced after Anderson's death and how it's changed me... made me a better nurse... I'd never cried so hard writing a paper for school.

I miss my best friend.

I wish I could be near him. Just lay on his chest and be held. Look up and smile at him... and have him smile back. One day. One day I'll see him again... and I'll spend an eternity with him.

The last three weeks have been hard. For no particular reason. Nothing particularly bad happened. Lots of good things happened. I just don't feel the same. And I don't know why. I stopped trying to figure out why two weeks ago. I've just been living day to day since then.

I wracked my brain for what I was doing wrong.... for what was plaguing me. I couldn't, for the life of me, figure it out. Sometimes... there really isn't a logical reason for feelings. Sometimes there is. Either way... just keep swimming. Walk by faith and not by sight... or by feelings.

In cleaning my desk, I found some old church programs with the notes I took during the sermon in them. One of them was from when I visited Cornerstone back on September 13. I read them again. I remember being so "awakened" and awe-inspired about evangelism and how it was missing in my life... about how I didn't really understand... I heard the words before so many times, but I never really, truly understood in my heart. I actually kinda feel like that's how I lived most of my life as a Christian. Hearing about all these things... but not having experienced it and therefore not understanding. Kinda getting down on myself for not being able to check off the list of things that a "good Christian" does.

I used to make goals for myself... mission statements... every year... that I'd work on for the entire year. Like a new year's resolution. In recounting one of my early mission statements... I think I'd used 1 Timothy... in that I shouldn't let anyone look down on me for being young, but that I should be a good example of speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity. Five fingers. Five attributes. Simple, right? Wrong. Year after year, I'd fall short.

I can't remember when, but one day, I changed my yearly statement... that the fruit of the spirit would be outwardly evident in my life. Apparently, I'd already thought it was evident on the inside... I'd just wanted it to be evident on the outside. Eh. Still got it wrong but getting closer.

So. 2009. January 1st. I challenged my entire small group to write a purpose statement for themselves for this year. 2009 is also the year that I challenged myself with an accountability partner to spend time with God daily. We keep each other accountable on a google document. So January 1st, I put my purpose statement there. Every month on the first of the month, I reevaluate it and remind myself.

2009 Purpose Statement: To be filled by the Spirit, to be led by the Spirit and to lead others by the Spirit.

I don't even think I knew what I was doing when I wrote that. I didn't understand it, for sure. But God has really blessed me this year... the most I've ever been blessed in my entire life. If I had to go through the deepest depths of sorrow and anguish to truly taste the sweetness of the abundant life in Christ... so be it. If it took losing my husband to cancer for me to see and experience God... then that's what it took. God knows. He knows exactly what I need, when I need it, and for how long I needed it. Having a hard time finishing this thought. I'll move on.

Going back to basics... love God, love others. If we do that, everything else will fall into place. You don't need a checklist... you just need to love God. We can only love Him because He first loved us and He loved us with a love that is incomprehensible to us... He loved us enough to die for us so that we could be with Him. The more you love God, the more your heart becomes like His and you love what He loves and you do what He does... you do what He wants you to do. And what He does is, He loves people. What He wants you to do is to obey. Obey what? His Word... Jesus. How do you obey His Word? You have to read it. And not just read it. Do what it says. And not just once a week. Everyday. Just as you need to eat everyday to nourish your body, you need to "eat" the Bread of Life, the Word of God, daily to nourish your spirit... to be filled.

Hm. My brain's not really functioning right now. I think I'll stop now and write more another day. Sleepy. Crying makes me sleepy.

Day 126 - THANK YOU!

I've been waiting for like 3 days to write this post. 3 days doesn't seem like a lot but every single day this week, I've spent out of the house and have come home utterly exhausted. Hm. Now that I'm stealing time away to write, I'm having a hard time getting it out. Shoulda thought about it more. Anyway... I'll just start typing out my thoughts... like I always do and we'll see what comes of it. Hopefully it'll make sense.

So... yes. I am very very thankful. I think what helps in being thankful is to remember... remember the past... remember people... just remember in general. A friend of mine has been sharing with me about what she's learned from reading through Leviticus lately. During one set of chapters, she was telling me about how God loves to party. OK, I went back and checked and it was the Law of Religious Festivals from Lev. 23. The Israelites had all kinds of festivals (not sure if they still celebrate today... but I think it's pretty neat) to commemorate or celebrate important events in history... like the passover, the feast of unleavened bread, and the feast of booths. And even when we have communion... it's to do this in remembrance of Jesus. So... let me remember...

I was talking to a few friends yesterday about last year's Thanksgiving... and I realized... last year... I had a boyfriend. We were engaged... but not planning yet. I was probably stressed out about school. It hit me how pivotal 2009 has been for me. I got married, I got licensed, I moved to Texas, moved back... started school again. So much has happened in 2009. This year's Thanksgiving... I'm 27 years old... my last name's Chen... and I'm widowed. But I'm thankful. VERY VERY thankful for my life... and super duper thankful for all of you.

Some of you have been following me since back in March... some of you have only recently started reading my musings. Some of you know me well, some have only seen my face on facebook, some I may not have even met yet. Regardless of whether or not what I write is read by others... I'm very thankful for being able to write and share my thoughts and feelings in this way. It's been a blessing for me to go back and see how far I've come and it's also been an exercise in purging my heart... which, I think, has been an essential part of my healing process.

I love to hear from you as well. Once in a while people really surprise me by replying. It's amazing to me that some people still read my super long posts. Your thoughts about the things I've written... I'm really glad that you guys can see a part of me and sometimes see a little bit of what we have in common... and also see our differences as well. I always benefit from your perspectives, from your thoughts and your experiences. I've been blessed to have NOT received anything negative or disparaging, which I think has been a super amazing thing since sometimes what I write can be a little controversial... and it's almost always very heavily motivated by my love for God and His love for me. I've been encouraged by all of you and I really feel loved and supported.

Our wedding. OMG. Last Monday I was telling a couple friends about our wedding story... I know they've probably heard about it or read about it in the past, but it somehow came up again and I told the story again. It was... a miracle. It was the most amazing display of collaboration and unity I've ever seen at FCBC Walnut. The sacrifices that everyone made to gift us with our wedding over the span of just 2 short days... nothing short of a miracle. I have never felt more loved by my church family and my friends as I did that weekend of January 10th, 2009. SO utterly thankful for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE who contributed to making the Tifferson Wedding the most spectacular event of my life. I still shed tears thinking about it... and I still remember making that left turn to walk down the aisle and being overcome with emotion as I looked into the smiling faces of all my family and friends who made an extra special effort to be there for us... at the decorations... the music... and most importantly... at my beloved groom waiting for me at the end of the aisle. He was such a handsome man. Dang, I seriously am so blessed to have married the best man I ever knew. Unbelievable how wonderful my life has been...

And then finding out about the tumor in the middle of my NCLEX review course. It was such a blessing that we found out when we did. It was the perfect rest point in my nursing program... right after I'd finished my pre-licensure coursework and during our winter break. I'd already set aside that entire month to study for the NCLEX so nothing much was going on. We found out, got married, and I decided to take time off from school to be with my husband. I'm also VERY thankful that I got licensed too. VERY VERY thankful... considering all the stuff that was going on in my personal life... it was seriously God's grace to me that I passed and then I didn't have to think too much about nursing after that. What a relief. Huge thanksgiving.

Also, I remember back when we were in Houston... I was away from the life I knew, from everything familiar to me... I had no friends other than my best friend, Anderson. I didn't have any of my "stuff" to comfort me... just a computer and craft kits from the hospital. Well, I did have a very large Target down the street from our apartment. Anyway... it could have been a very, very lonely time for me, but it wasn't. I was connected to my loved ones back at home through my email updates and through your replies back to me. I kept disciplined in reading the Bible with my friend via google docs. I love google, btw. Thankful for google and for accountability partners. God sustained me through His Word and through all of you who were loving us and praying for us from afar. I cannot ever thank you all enough for your outpouring of love on us... I don't ever feel like I've loved all of you (or have even been able to return love to you) even the tiniest bit compared to how much love you showered on us while we were in Houston.

I'm thankful for facebook and for helping us reconnect with people and friends who, through a fairly complex string of God-ordained events, got us to M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. Even in Anderson's medical insurance... it was totally God in that he got insured when he did... before we found out about the tumor... and that it totally helped us financially over the past 3 years. I'm so SO thankful for our circumstances and how things happened the way they did. Even the people we met in Houston... the doctors, the therapists, the nurses... volunteers... and the friends we made while we were there... they all touched our hearts and helped carry us through the difficult times. There were even people we met in the waiting rooms... you'd think that EVERYONE has their sad story for being there, but for some reason... one lady in particular who came up to talk to me... was really touched by us and she prayed for me right then and there. And every time she saw us again, she would say hi and tell us that she was praying for us. To this day, I don't know her name, but even encountering her for a brief time... I saw God through her and was encouraged... that even strangers have a common bond in Christ.

I'm also so thankful for the warm welcome we got when we came back from Houston. I was able to enroll in classes at the VERY last minute... probably a week or two before school started... everything fell into place. I've reconnected with so many people that I've lost contact with over the years... and seeing your smiling faces and learning about your lives over the past few years... such happiness to get to share life with you all again.

And I'm so thankful for the deepening of my friendships and relationships that I've experienced lately. I don't know if my heart's gotten so much bigger AND you guys have become more lovable, but I feel like I have so much more love in my life now than before. I might not have the same love I shared with my husband, but the love of my family and friends, although not quite the same, has been amazingly and remarkably... enough to keep me in a state of joyful euphoria a whole lot of the time. Something that used to keep me up at nights (in an insomniac kind of way)... was repeating the events of the day over and over again in my head. I don't know why it happens, but I think about things a lot afterwards... I hear bits and pieces of conversations again and instead of keeping me up at nights or disturbing me... nowadays they make me smile more often than not. Sometimes it makes me giggle. Out loud. And not that I'm inviting everyone to stare at me, but if you ever somehow catch me when I'm zoning out and I start to smile or laugh or I chuckle really slightly to myself... I'm not going crazy... (or maybe I am...) I'm probably thinking about some funny thing that someone said or reliving a very fond memory really quickly in my mind. I very often go to bed smiling now. Some days are hard, but most days... end with a smile. There's just so much happiness and joy all around me... such hope... such love... I thank God everyday for loving me through blessing me with all of you.

I could go on and on and on about all the things I'm thankful for, but the biggest and most important thing to be thankful for is God's love. I really really mean it! I used to say "God is love"... "God loves me and you" but I really don't think I fully understood what it meant and it had never really sunk in and grabbed hold of me like it does now. Last Sunday, someone shared this with me...

I admit I once lived by rumors of you;
now I have it all firsthand—from my own eyes and ears! (Job 42:5)

I'd been thinking about that ever since last Sunday. That experiencing God and God's love for me has been the biggest, most powerful... most breathtaking, knock-me-off-my-feet experience EVER. HANDS DOWN. All of these things that I'm thankful for... they were all orchestrated meticulously by my loving God... to show me how much and how powerfully and how lavishly He loves me and how much He yearns to win my heart. I can't even describe it. Words... fail me. How funny, huh? I write thousands of words in my posts and when it comes to God's love... I just can't seem to find any good enough. It's like Godiva hot chocolate on a freezing cold day... it warms your hands... and then your heart as the rich, silky smoothness travels slowly into the core of your being... and then permeates outward, bringing your entire body into a state of comfort and peace... and then you just close your eyes, inhale deeply and exhale that "ahhhhh..." that only comes when something truly "hits the spot" and fulfills you in all the ways you've been lacking amidst the frigidity that had threatened to consume you just moments earlier. K, it's sort of like that, but like a billion times better and longer than hot chocolate on a cold day. Turning elsewhere for that kind of comfort is more like... spilling hot chocolate on the chair you're sitting on. At first you're like... ooh, my butt's warm... and then it suddenly gets cold, sticky and yucky as you realize that you're soaking wet, embarrassingly stained, AND you've just wasted your liquid Gold-iva. Hot chocolate was meant to be drunk and not... sat on. Alritey... enough with this one... I think I've talked about it enough. But anyway... I really really want everyone to experience drinking hot chocolate on a cold day... everyday for the rest of your lives... it's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'd love to pour you a cup and talk about it with you if you'd like.

Happy thanksgiving, friends... I'm both happy and thankful and I hope you are too.

All my <3,
Tiff

Day 123 - death by boys

I took a "personal day" today. Well, I intended to anyway. I felt like I just wanted some time away... time on my own... time to think... time to just "be".

Since I was meeting up with friends for lunch in Costa Mesa, I thought it would be lovely to spend some time alone on the beach. BUT... being the multi-tasker that I am... I decided that since I was in the area, I thought I'd try to call/arrange to possibly meet up with 3 other friends... just in case they were available to hang out. Sadly and thankfully, they all had plans or never got back to me. Looked like my day would be free and clear.

Catching up with friends you haven't seen in a long time is kind of a good way to sum up what's been going on with you over the years. Through recounting the major events of my life since college... I think it just somehow hit me that... boys ruin my life. LOL.

Maybe we had lots of finals in the quarter system, but my first two boyfriends somehow broke up with me right before finals... the first one actually broke up with me the day before my very first final Fall quarter of my freshman year. I also think I lost 20 pounds in less than a month because I couldn't eat; I was so depressed. Cruelty, thy name is untimely breakup.

Due to emotional turmoil and frequenting a far away city far too frequently my sophomore year, I lost my blessed regent's scholarship by 0.01 of a grade point, costing my parents thousands of dollars that they shouldn't have had to pay. Even more thousands when Schwarzenegger started office and UC fees started to hike. Every single tuition statement I received after my sophomore year was like pouring burning hot coals on my head for the mistakes I made that year. I recently caught up with my high school English teacher who, for over 10 years, told me that he's been recounting MY story of how financial aid comes in mysterious ways... and I was sad to disappoint him that my financial aid story had a lackluster ending. He then proceeded to comment on how expensive my failed relationships were. So sad. So true.

More than costing me grades and financial aid... those failed relationships caused me heartache. Although no one man has caused me more heartache than Anderson. You know I'm referring mostly to his death, but I was poking around some of my old files and I found some very angry letters that I wrote him early on in our relationship. Things weren't always peachy keen for us. Our first two years of dating were chock full of drama, fights, tears, nasty words spoken in anger (mostly by me...) and general unpleasantness... I don't even know why he stayed with me, honestly. We did international long distance and I still managed to be able to torment him from thousands of miles away. We only saw each other 3 months out of the year the first 3 years we dated and I remember it being excruciatingly painful. The first Christmas he spent in Brazil, I locked myself in my room and listened to audio Harry Potter while lying in bed... all day long. I think I did that for like 2-3 weeks. I probably listened to the first 4 Harry Potters that first winter he was abroad. Depression. Boys ruin my life.

I told my friend today that she could make sure that "death by boys" somehow ends up on my tombstone because knowing me, it would somehow end up being true. My lovely friend cannot comprehend how I've let boys and relationships ruin my life... how deeply I've struggled with boys over my conscious lifetime. Frankly, I wish it weren't so, but I've come to realize that I think for me... this is the way it had to be.

I do see how God has used the pain I allowed myself to be afflicted by through my endless pursuit of romantic affection to teach me the most powerful lessons of my life. I very consciously remember asking God to draw me closer to Him during my relationships... and very soon afterwards, going through a breakup... twice. When you hear people say, "be careful what you ask for"... at the time, I probably wished I could have gone back in time and taken back my request... but now that I have the wisdom of hindsight, I think I wished that I would have asked it sooner. Much, much sooner.

After each breakup, I had my closest encounters with God. As God shattered each and every one of my fragile hopes and dreams that I'd placed in such unworthy places... a little part of me died... and God in me increased. Culminating with Anderson... who embodied all my love, all my joy... all my future, my family, my life... when those hopes and dreams were shattered... I think that a huge part, if not the majority of me died with him... but it was a good thing. Death by boys = life in Christ.

The trials of life are sent to make us, not to break us. Financial troubles may destroy a person's business but build up his character. And a direct blow to the outer person may be the greatest blessing possible to the inner person. So if God places or allows anything difficult in our lives, we can be sure that the real danger or trouble will be what we will lose if we run or rebel against it. Malthie D. Babcock.

So my real troubles would have been had I chosen to remain in depression by focusing on what I didn't have... what I felt I deserved... what I thought I needed... or who I thought I needed. The depth of my pain, each and every time, was so severe and oppressive that I was left powerless against it. In my brokenness and pain, God's gentle hands were there to pick me up and cradle me against His chest and then work with me, in me, and through me to put me back together again... but not as the same person I was prior to the breakup... but a new creation, molded and shaped by the loving hands of an omniscient and omnipotent master artist.

It has often been said, and truthfully so, that Christianity is the only religion that can deal with a person's past... He is trustworthy to do it unreservedly. He does so not because of what we are but because of who He is. God forgives and heals and restores, for He is "the God of all grace" (1 Peter 5:10). May we praise Him and trust Him. - from Streams in the Desert, from Sunday School Times

OK. I'm tired. Beyond tired. Exhausted. Gonna stop typing now. Night all.

Day 122 - randoms on love

I don't think this post is going to make a whole lot of sense. I'm all swirled up and cloudy right now but maybe if I start writing about it... it'll at least help me sleep better tonight. Here goes...

I had a portion of this Shakespearean sonnet stuck in my head tonight:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I had a really good time catching up with a friend today. Most of what we talked about was love, loving, and being loved. There's something about love that's such a mystery... it makes people do some crazy things... in the name of love, caution is thrown to the wind... it can throw your life into such a confusing, sticky mess. I think a lot of people can relate to that. I also think... that... perhaps... that's not what love really is. Or at least it's not the kind that I want... the complicated kind.

I want the simple kind. The kind that simplifies your life... purifies it... clarifies and guides. Not the kind that drives me to insanity... but pushes me to goodness, wisdom, and reproduces that same love in response to having received it. Love should be easy. You shouldn't have to work hard for it... it should be freely given, but also never cheap or taken for granted. "whose worth is unknown, although his height be taken". Priceless love.

I want to be loved with a passion. I want to be loved so much that the lover would be willing to give up everything... for me. I want to be first... to feel precious... that no matter where I am... if I'm lost in a crowd... to know that somebody loves me and sees me. Truly SEES me... not for my face or my clothes or anything on the outside... but sees my heart and loves my heart. Someone who sees into the depths of my heart... even the ugly parts... and loves me the same. And no matter what silly, mean, or thoughtless things I say or do... that the love is still there... burning ever brighter and clearer for me and only me...despite how undeserving I am of such a precious gift.

I read something interesting the other day:

As a human being, your experience of joy is linked to your experience of sorrow. For example, in connecting with the pain of a divorce, you can also reconnect with the love that defined the relationship before the separation. -Marilyn Smith-Stoner, RN, MSN

For me... I can totally see how that was true in my life...and in Anderson's. Our joys were heightened beyond measure, because we also experienced sorrow beyond measure. Continually since we were engaged, back in June of 2008... immeasurable sorrows and devastation paved the way for equally powerful joy and happiness. Heard the saying that you don't know what you've got until it's gone? How bout tweaking it so that you appreciate what you have right now because tomorrow it might be gone...? I know what I had with Anderson. I appreciated what I had every single day I had it. He was my prince charming... we didn't live happily ever after (together)... but we did live happily... until death did us part.

So, this kind of love does exist. It's been written about. It's been sung about. Some of you may feel as though you've been searching your whole life for this kind of perfect love... and have found that it has eluded you... and maybe have given up and resigned because searching for this kind of love in this ugly world seems so futile. Disappointment after disappointment yielding to the depressing realization that love only happens to other people or only in chick flicks or fairy tales... but never for me. I've felt this way. Remembering that I've felt this way makes me appreciate the love I have all the more.

I still miss him. Man, do I miss him. Lately, I've just been missing my best friend. I miss just talking to him everyday about my day. I miss being able to tell him everything... little or big... I miss his sayings and his short but powerful tidbits of wisdom that he would speak into my life. I miss him pulling me back, making me slow down... keeping me from saying or doing things that would hurt other people. I miss him. I miss laughing with him, I miss dancing with him, I miss who I was when I was with him... completely free, completely understood, completely loved.

I've had a hard week. It was overall a happy week. But it was hard. I can blame the influx of hormones that come and go on a monthly basis, but it is not completely to blame. Ups and downs, stops and go's, mess ups, pull backs, and course corrections. My own human weakness.

In my moments of weakness... I looked around for encouragement... I looked for love in a lot of the wrong places and was consistently disappointed. I should have started out from the get go and went directly to the source of the most perfect, the most undefiled, the most sacrificial and unconditional love that I knew... and had I done that, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and grief. I confess in my human weakness, I had my eyes set on things in the world... but God is gracious and He consistently reminds me, despite how many times I mess up, that He loves me, He seeks me out, He puts little love letters along my path for me to find and smile about... and He tells me... and shows me the amazing wonders of His love over and over and over again.

³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Love so amazing, so divine, Demands my soul, my life, my all.

Scrolling up, I don't think any of this made sense at all. It's just a collection of thoughts that I had floating around in my head today. I'm still processing what's happened to me the past few days... lots and lots of good things... surprising things... things that caught me off guard... realizations... good chats... so many many good things. I'm tired. Going to sleep. Maybe I'll have more clarity tomorrow.

Day 117 - empty

How am I doing today? I'm doing pretty good, how bout you?

Interesting that my last post was entitled "fullness" and today's is "empty".

Yesterday was a hard day. I spent most of the day missing peace... in two ways... I missed peace as in I was longing for it... and I missed peace because it seemed to have eluded me. I went back and I read my post on fullness and even reading what I, myself, wrote... I almost felt like I was reading someone else's words. Where was she? She seemed so far, far away.

I felt lost. Sad. Closed off. I didn't want to reach out to anyone. I didn't want to do my homework. I even wanted to cancel whatever plans I'd made that day just so I could sit at home and mope. I didn't spend the entire day completely sad but it came and went in waves... it just kept coming back to emptiness more often than not.

Yesterday was the first day that I'd felt so down in a really really long time. I wrote to Anderson. The last time I wrote to Anderson was in September. I wrote a few pages... to my best friend. I told him I missed him. I felt lost and confused and I didn't know what to do. I wished that he was there to listen to me and to know my heart and to tell me what I should do. I really, really felt empty.

I looked at my to-do list and I had checked off the bare minimum to get me through the day. Good enough.

I knew why I'd felt yucky. I didn't spend enough time with God over the past weekend while I was in SF. I was really behind in my Bible reading. I was reminded of a quote from Streams in the Desert that I'd blogged about a while ago...

Waiting upon God is vital in order to see Him and receive a vision from Him. And the amount of time spent before Him is also critical, for our hearts are like a photographer's film-the longer exposed, the deeper the impression. For God's vision to be impressed on our hearts, we must sit in stillness at His feet for quite a long time. Remember, the troubled surface of a lake will not reflect an image.

So I read. I read quite a bit. I caught up to where I was supposed to be. God did speak to me through reading Acts. I was still in a bit of a funk. I thought about what I should be doing... I should be reaching out... I should be letting my friends know that I'm struggling and I need their help. I should be removing my focus off myself and turn my eyes to Jesus and to serving others. I just didn't feel like it. Why couldn't someone just read my mind and just reach out to ME without me asking for it? (horribly selfish, I know...)

And then I got an e-card from Anderson. :) It is so amazing to me that even in my moments of sinful weakness that God still had sovereignly planned to have Anderson send me an e-card in His perfect timing to remind me that Jesus loves me... and so did he. He wrote that I was always in his thoughts. And he wrote again that he loved me. Only 3 short sentences. I broke down in tears at that point. I let God's love and Anderson's love wash over me like a breath of fresh air. You know sometimes when you open the door to a large building and the air pressure changes and you get hit in the face with a gust of wind? Or when you're going up an escalator and somehow a little bit of air kinda just hits you in the face for a few seconds? I remember it happening a few days ago when I was going up an escalator... maybe out of the subway or something... and the air just blew the hair off my face... kinda like the tender touch of a loved one... I don't know if you know what I'm talking about or what I'm trying to say. I remember in that moment, I closed my eyes, smiled and just let the wind kiss my face... just for a moment. Anyway... back to yesterday... I got the e-card... I saved it, I smiled. And went on with my day.

A little bit later, another dear friend sent me an email. A very encouraging email. My heart had been heavy for her for at least a week. The beauty of her words... her transparency... her communion with God... I hope she doesn't mind but I very often find her to be very quotable... here's one that particularly encouraged me and lifted me out of whatever was left of my funk.

You have existed as my God-given stronghold in all the heartaches of a broken world; one that has withstood the battles of distance and time, and remained close in the revolution and redemption of my ailing soul. All this odd and perhaps ridiculous imagery to say that your life and your friendship through the years have disproved and answered to all of my excuses, all of my buts, and all of my useless suffering in believing that love always dies to selfishness.

In all my weakness... in all my emptiness... even despite my refusal to do what I knew I should do... God still met me where I was and used others to touch me and remind me that He loves me and so do other people. How can your heart NOT be moved by such a powerful showing of love?

Not only that, but today... as I was finishing up the last of my BSF homework in John 6... God really spoke to me and answered my heart's desire for guidance, for someone to know my heart, to show me the way... and I didn't need my husband to do it for me... I have Jesus and that's all I need. He is the epitome... the paragon of masculinity and genius... and He chose to empty Himself... make Himself nothing and be completely obedient to His Father's will... even to the point of death. That's what I should be doing! Not only that... but that He chose not to do His own will because He was so consumed with the mind and heart of His Father that there wasn't any room or any time for His own stuff. Once again! Guidance and instruction! Through obedience and being filled with the Spirit... my joy will be made full and complete.

... so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God... Acts 20:24b

mmm... I think that's all for "how I'm doing today". Still have a few more topics related to lavish love that I wanted to finish writing about... later, I guess... thanks for reading my essays. :)

Day 108 - Fullness

So... perhaps I shouldn't have drunk that coke at dinner... but I have so many thoughts running around in my head that I can't sleep. So I thought I'd try writing. My mom told me to think less and talk more. Does writing count?



A handful of you responded with your thoughts. I'm very thankful to receive them. I'm always thankful for your feedback and the chance to possibly start a conversation with you. Please don't hesitate to write me, call me, text me, facebook me... I really like hearing your thoughts.

So what are my thoughts when I see this picture... a few of you told me that you couldn't bear to look at it. As for me... I really can't stop looking at it for so many reasons. For one, it's a really good picture. Aesthetics. Laurie Au is the photographer. Secondly... I'm a nurse. It's almost like an "identify the equipment" picture... there's so much going on. There's the IV pump, the vent, the orotrach, the dressing from the central line they removed, the feeding tube, the feeding bag, the ambu-bag, the Q4 toothette things... and then there's the memories... there's me doing his oral care... wiping his face... stroking his forehead... talking into his ear... trying to find some open skin on his face so he could possibly feel the kisses I would give him. It brings me back there. A part of me doesn't mind remembering... a part of me is comforted by it... but another part of me is sad that he is now but a memory... one that is quickly distancing itself from my consciousness.

I found this picture while I was looking for other pictures... happy pictures... to put on a photo keychain for my mother-in-law. This particular picture was mixed in with a lot of other really happy pictures that we took while we were in Houston. The juxtaposition of them... really kind of broke my heart... and made me think. There I go again... thinking...

I think... I miss him. I think I will always miss him. He was my best best friend in the whole wide world. He was my soul mate. My lover. He was me and I was him... we were one. And now, it's just me.

I had a really good conversation with my mom yesterday or two days ago. It started out with tears, like it always does with my mom, but it ended with a lot of peace in my heart... and joy. I really feel like every single desire of my heart... God has provided. This past Sunday, I told God that I wanted to have a better relationship with my parents. And this week, God blessed me with a good conversation with my mom. It's a start. The conversation actually was a quick summary of what God had been teaching me lately and also what God had been revealing to me about the events of my entire life. Heavy. Kinda.

My mom found it hard to start a conversation with me. It was a little bit of a wake-up call for me. I, for one, feel very few barriers to talking to my mom... the major one seems to be time... for me at the moment anyway. I've been out of the house so much lately that when I'm home, I really need to do homework or get some sleep. I've been so intentional to spend time with my friends that I hadn't made the time to intentionally spend time with my parents. Also lately... I'd been kind of sick... physically... which meant more time sleeping... anyway... getting back to the conversation...

I thought that talking about what we'd learned at BSF would be a good start if she was having a hard time finding things to talk about with me. So I shared about what God was teaching me this week. There were 2 lessons that I learned from reading about the Samaritan woman at the well. (1) that when confronted with her sin, she made no excuses. She asked and God answered her... and (2) to trust God with everything and have faith in His sovereignty. The application question asked how I'd put those two lessons into action this week. For (1)... I had decided that I should not make any excuses, especially when God prompts me to share Him with my friends... or even people who aren't my friends. (2) I prayed for a husband.

I shall elaborate on point number 2. I'm not saying I'm ready yet. It is just something that I decided that I needed to submit to God, trust in Him and live as though He's already taken care of me. I think, in the depths of my heart, I still desire to have someone to love on this earth, someone to take care of me... I'd been struggling with that desire. I hadn't identified it until very recently. I desire it. But not more than I desire God. Even still, the desire is there and God... even though He knows all... He still wants us to ask. And in our asking... to lay it at His feet and trust that He has already taken care of it. I just need to wait for His plan to unfold.

My mom shared with me a few things. Hope she doesn't mind that it's being emailed out to like 200+ ppl and posted on facebook. Eh. I don't know how many of you read these posts anymore anyway. She shared with me that she has gone through times of being angry at God. That her faith in prayer and healing has been shaken. She said she used to pray for healing... and now she just prays for quick deliverance. It was sad for me to hear. It was a sad realization that I'd been so wrapped up in my own healing, my own joy, my own transformation that I didn't bother to ask the others around me how/if they were/are still struggling with Anderson's death. If anything, I thought that I would have had the biggest struggle... but now I see it's not always the case.

So I explained to her what I felt about suffering... about Anderson's death. God did not heal Anderson of his physical ailments on earth. But God healed him spiritually and healed me as well. I can only speak for myself, but the intimacy I experience with God right now... the lavish love that I took so many words to write about in the past two posts and still have much more to say...the abundant life... the JOY in Christ that I had never EVER before experienced in my 20+ years as a Christian... the healing that occurred not only in my heart, but in my spirit... THAT is more important than healing the body. The body will pass... eventually... sooner or later, it will. But the spirit is eternal. To quote Jim Eliot again... he is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. That was from memory. Hope I remembered it right. The spiritual healing is more important and more valuable than physical healing. We should all be praying for everyone's spiritual healing... as well as their physical healing.

Now... on the topic of suffering... I explained that as I was asking God for a husband... He revealed to me that HE was my husband... He is the bridegroom and I am His bride... (reference Lavish Love, part I). When I submitted my longing for earthly love at His feet... God opened my eyes... awakened me, if you will... with the realization of HIS love for me and how much more powerful, more abundant, and even MORE wonderful than any love I could have imagined for myself. He loved me so much He masterfully orchestrated every single detail of my life to prepare me to receive His love. I was awestruck. Speechless. I was knocked off my feet. It was breathtaking how much He loves me... how He knows every intimate detail about me and about my heart and how every single crisis, every blessing, every turn, every stumbling block, every course correction... was all leading me right here... right into the arms of my loving God. He's been waiting for me to come to Him... He's been waiting my whole life. Just for me. I asked for earthly love and He opened my eyes to His great love for me. Amazing.

Some notable and relevant quotes from Streams in the Desert:

Revelation 3:19. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.
God selects the best and most notable of His servants for the best and most notable afflictions, for those who have received the most grace from Him are able to endure the most afflictions. In fact, an affliction hits a believer never by chance but by God's divine direction. He does not haphazardly aim His arrows, for each one is on a special mission and touches only the heart for whom it is intended. It is not only the grace of God but also His glory that is revealed when a believer can stand and quietly endure an affliction. -Joseph Caryl

And also from a few days back...

Malachi 3:3. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.
Our Father, who seeks to perfect His saints in holiness, knows the value of the refiner's fire. It is with the most precious metals that a metallurgist will take the greatest care. He subjects the metal to a hot fire, for only the refiner's fire will melt the metal, release the dross, and allow the remaining, pure metal to take a new and perfect shape in the mold. A good refiner never leaves the crucible but, as the above verse indicates, "will sit" down by it so the fire will not become even one degree too hot and possibly harm the metal. And as soon as he skims the last bit of dross from the surface and sees his face reflected in the pure metal, he extinguishes the fire-Arthur Tappan Pierson.

Any and all afflictions have a purpose. A specific, intended purpose. The arrow is not haphazardly shot... it is aimed. At me. At you. I'm not quite sure how you feel about Anderson's death, but I definitely got a bit fat arrow aimed at me. Ouchie. So why did my refiner's fire have to burn Anderson away? Anderson embodied my biggest idol. In Anderson, I laid my security, my heart, my everything. My husband, my future, my life. Until I was willing to submit and let go of my husband, my future, my life... I was unable to fully receive God's love for me in all its fullness and glory. Not even saying that my love for God is perfect, but it is so so SO much more than before... so much more than even 6 months ago... 3 months ago. So much more than all the love I'd ever experienced in my life combined.

So... I'm not angry. I'm not upset at God. God took my husband out of my arms, but gave me room to hold on to Someone greater and better... God Himself. When my "dross" was released, I was able to take a new and shiny shape. And right at the perfect moment... not too short, not too long... the PERFECT moment for me... God extinguished the fire.

He's already taken care of me. And yet He still wants us to ask. So I ask. Every little whim, every thought, every desire...I ask. Why not?

Day 103 - a penny for...

your thoughts? your feelings?

Day 102 - Lavish Love Part Deux

There was so much more I wanted to write in the last post, but I didn't get a chance to. Now seems as good a time as any to continue my thoughts... except that I have a lot of homework to do... but who can do homework when my brain is filled with thoughts on lavish love? :P I will unload the lavish love and maybe my brain will be able to handle my papers and presentations.

During the same small group time when we were discussing Ephesians 5 and about husbands and wives (mentioned in my previous post), I distinctly remember someone asking, "what does it feel like to be loved the way Christ loves the church? A love that purifies you?" Christ loved us (the church) so lavishly that He died for us. He died so that we could be together.

I was discussing with another friend at another time... and we were talking about what it feels like to love with passionate love... to love someone with passion... to love God with passion? I've loved Anderson with a passion... and it has helped me learn how to love God with a passion... but I really think that someone who has never loved a human being with passion can know what it feels like to love and be loved. The apostle Paul never got married. Maybe I just needed a little help along the way so God gave me Anderson to teach me how to love. I dunno.

What does it feel like to be loved? I watched our wedding video again just now. What did it feel like to be loved by Anderson? Honestly... I almost feel like I'm forgetting what it feels like to have a husband, to be loved by a husband... to love a husband. It makes me sad, in a way, that a certain part of me is being left behind...but I don't feel a lack of love... I don't feel unloved or that I have no one or nothing to love. I hope you never get tired of hearing me say that my heart belongs to God and that it's a wonderful and beautiful thing to be in love with Him.

One of my favorite songs right now is Be Thou My Vision:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

There's so much to say about love... I'll try writing about what it feels like to be the recipient of lavish love first.

Actually, when I first started writing day 98's post about Lavish Love, I had God in mind. Anderson's note made me think of the term, lavish love, but it was God who awed me by all He's done for me and it was the realization of God's love that pushed me to write about it. It was in the realization that everything in my life... every single circumstance, every turn, every situation... all was orchestrated masterfully out of love for me. Even bringing Anderson into my life, the good stuff, the bad stuff, the struggles, the suffering... was allowed out of love for me. I had 6 months of a wonderful marriage... to show me with high intensity the beauty of earthly love and whet my appetite for God's unfathomable love for me. It was like a bread crumb trail that I was intently following and I suddenly looked up and saw the feast from which the bread crumbs were falling from. It was breathtaking. I still can't fully put it into words.

Two things that I experience out of being the recipient of lavish love is... freedom and peace. I am confident in His love for me. I never have to look anywhere else... He is IT. He's the ONE. I have security in knowing that this love will never falter, this love will never fail, this love will never abandon me. Even in our wedding vows... it was for better or worse, in sickness in health... until death do us part. Death has parted me and Anderson for a while, but God's love for him and God's love for me enables us to see each other again in heaven one day. It is such a gift and blessing to know that God loves me and would even take care of my earthly love, Anderson, and me. All is taken care of. I have freedom and peace in that and I can go on living my life with full confidence that everything's taken care of.

Another thing is that God is all-powerful and all-knowing... and He loves me and wants the best for me. And the best for me is to be with Him and to do what He says. An earthly example... I'm not very aware of my surroundings. When Anderson and I were in Rio, he'd tell me to stay close to him and do what he said and don't ask questions. It was for my own safety because he noticed and he could see what was going on with the people around us, the little kids who look to pick pocket... the dangers on the street. He saw them and I didn't. He had my best interests in mind by telling me to listen to him and if he told me to do something to just do it and don't ask questions. I'd be stupid to think that I knew more than him and to question him. He was protecting me. It's kinda like that, except God sees and knows all across time and space. How can we question what we don't know or understand? He asks us to obey. OK. I trust Him.

It's not always easy though. I remember telling that friend who asked what it felt like to be loved with a love that purifies... that in order to be presented in white, without wrinkle, spot, or blemish... that you have to be cleaned and pressed. Cleaning and pressing is not a passive process...for the one who's cleaning. It takes water and soap, friction... and to be pressed... it takes intense heat and pressure. Might be stretching that image a bit, but that's kinda what it meant to me when I read it. You know what's funny about cleaning... you do it best when the object you're cleaning is passive and ready to receive it. Ever tried to change a diaper and wipe off gooey poo when the little guy is squirming around and wants to turn over and crawl away every 2 seconds? Ever tried to wash a dog that didn't want to be washed? The more you fight it, the longer the cleaning takes, the messier it is, the less efficient it is. Don't fight it. Receive it. Embrace it. It's kinda painful for a while, but the end result is very much worth the scrubbing.

OK, I'm so distracted I can't even finish this post right now. Might need a Part Trois (3) next time.

Day 98 - Lavish Love

I'm not sure if this is going to come out quite right, but I'll give it a try anyway. Um... if you don't have time to read this novella, skip to the last paragraph.

Have you ever had one of those moments... when you're just SO in awe... dumbfounded even... at the realization of how much someone has done to show you they love you? It leaves you speechless. Almost in tears. You realize that this is it. He's the ONE. The search is over. This is who you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

I had one of those moments this morning... and suddenly... magically... so many things fell into place and I realized... and I was speechless. I've been the recipient of... lavish love.

The term "lavish love" came into my mind a few weeks ago actually. I was poking around on Anderson's laptop and I found something he wrote to me... a while ago... maybe in 2007 or so. This particular document was one of those WordPad documents... he liked using WordPad because it loads faster and it's simple... it's all he felt he needed most of the time to jot stuff down without all the complication of having to open a Word document. Anyway... I stumbled upon this particular document. It was a flood of text. I think it must have been at least a page, single-spaced about all the things Anderson loved about me. All my weird quirks... all our inside jokes... who I am, inside and out... the way I dress, the way I say things, the way I show him I love him... right down to how I dispose of my boogers... he loved it all. Sorry if that was TMI (that means Too Much Information, for those of you who didn't already know). Pages of "I love the way you..." and so on. It was almost embarrassing to read, but that's when the term came to mind. I was loved with a lavish love. Love isn't just words... he showed me lavish love through his actions too... through his sacrifice for me... through constantly putting my needs above his... choosing to comfort me in my sorrow while he suffered in his failing body. Lavish love.

In my devotionals, this week's name of God is Ish, which means husband in Hebrew. It's the name of God that was used in Isaiah & Jeremiah to describe Him as the husband of His chosen people of Israel. I'm no Hebrew scholar... it's just what I read.

I've been learning/realizing how much our lives here on earth are but a foggy shadow... a dimly represented form of the true reality of what's waiting for us in the kingdom of heaven. Very concretely, the marriage relationship is a dim reflection of how God loves His church... His people. Recently, my small group went through Ephesians and we had a very good discussion about how husbands were to love their wives like Christ loves the church.

Here's the passage from Ephesians 5 (The Message)

^25-28Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.

^29-33No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." This is a huge mystery, and I don't pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

I would venture to say that Anderson loved me with this kind of love. He brought out the best in me. Through loving me, he was used by God to purify me... mold me... change me... transform me into a better person. Through his love, I was made presentable... in other versions it says "without wrinkle" and "spotless". I'm still a work in progress, but I really believe that this is what Anderson's love did in me. It's a truly beautiful mystery. I'm SO, SO blessed.

Now... if this is the kind of wonderful husband God provided for me... and all of life here is a foggy shadow... how much MORE powerful is Christ's love to bring out the best in me... in you... in His church? And all I have to do is honor Him? Sounds good to me!

Now to honor God... to honor Ish... husband... what does that look like? Well, I can tell you what it doesn't look like through the example of Hosea and his wife, Gomer. This is from memory so please feel free to correct me if I got some things wrong. Basically, God told Hosea, one of His prophets, to go marry an adulteress/prostitute. Why would He do that?!? I used to think that it was pretty darn messed up of God to tell Hosea to do that. Why not some nice, Jewish girl from an upstanding family and a big dowry? I don't think it's messed up of God anymore... Now I see... it was so that Hosea could understand in real life how God acts and how God feels for His people. The messed up one was Gomer.

Gomer had it good. She was basically trash. Hosea found her, married her, brought her out of her destructive lifestyle and elevated her to the highest place in Hosea's house... she was his wife. His jewel. His precious. He provided for her, put a roof over her head, a pillow to sleep on, one bed to lie on. Her search was over. She had a home and a husband. They had children. She had security. You would think that she would have been, at the very least, grateful... if not completely head-over-heels speechless and in awe at the lavish love that Hosea poured on her.

But that's not what she did. She was unfaithful. She left him and went to pursue other lovers. Isn't that just SO messed up?

And what did Hosea do? God told Hosea to go find her... love her... and buy her back. He paid for her! For his own wife! Did he have to do it? Dunno. Should you have to pay to get your own wife back? No... but that's what he did. He paid the price for her... because he loved her and wanted her back.

K. So. Messed up, right?

It's totally symbolic. God is Hosea... and Israel is Gomer. Totally NOT how we should be honoring a husband.

So on to honoring... how do you honor a husband? Through submission and obedience. Not making it up. It's in the verses right before telling the husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

As much as it angers me that Gomer basically spat in Hosea's face by leaving him... that's how we should view our rebellion and our sin against God. God redeemed us... He saved us from a life of destruction, of wandering, of running from place to place, person to person... looking for something, but never being satisfied... He saved us from all of that... elevated us to a place of honor... adopted us as His own... and turning our backs on Him to chase after money, power, status... even love... to allow our sins to remain in our lives... is a grave injustice... vile profanity. Spitting in the face of One who has only ever shown us lavish love.

God is holy. He is perfect. He is blameless... without spot, without blemish... perfect goodness and purity. Because He's holy... He hates sin. It's dirty, it's filthy, it's vile. He can't stand it. We can't be in His presence when sin's present and if God is good and God is life... anywhere without God is horrible, painful death. So out of love for us... He gives us the opportunity to be clean, restored... pure and holy... the opportunity to be with Him in all His goodness. He paid the price to wipe away the dirtiness... and that price was His Son. All we have to do is believe and confess with our mouths.

Romans 10:⁹ that ^L)">if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and ^M)">believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved;

¹⁰for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.

You know what I think is SO awesome about God? So many things but one of the biggest is that going to Him... receiving Him... costs us nothing... and everything at the same time. God wants us to love Him. He wants us to be purified... through obedience... with the motivation of LOVE. That is totally NOT in line with what a human would think... as evidenced by so many other religions whose motivation to purification (or to do what they feel is right) is through force or threat... or through the promise of power, or sex with virgins, or upward mobility. Those things... are so... human. So typical... that the BEST a human could come up with... the "heaven" that they think is worth aspiring to consists of ruling over your own world (power and control) or sex. But motivation through love? And motivation for what? Not to gain power or control or status... but to die to ourselves so that God will increase in us. Who'da thought of THAT?!? Who'da thought that saying no to yourself... sacrificing yourself... NOT looking out for yourself... and submitting to God would bring you any happiness whatsoever? No human would have thought that, but that's exactly what happens when you give your life up to God. You're washed clean, you're made complete... you don't have to look anywhere else for anything because you've got it all. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control...

This entry isn't very "PC". In fact, it's probably offensive. Some of it anyway.

This one took me a long time to write and I still don't think I'm done... but I'm tired.

Horrible way to end a post.

How did I want to end this? I wanted to write about how Anderson's love opened my eyes to God's love... about how I would respect my husband is also how I should be respecting God. And about how every sin, every rebellion... every time I look elsewhere for fulfillment... is like a betrayal to God... trading something priceless, pure, and valuable, for something broken, ugly, and will not satisfy. Leave behind and submit your sins, your idols... with urgency... run back into the arms of the One who loves you with lavish love. Keep running back to Him, every minute of every day for the rest of your lives. Yeah. That's what I wanted to say. Night!