Day 108 - Fullness

So... perhaps I shouldn't have drunk that coke at dinner... but I have so many thoughts running around in my head that I can't sleep. So I thought I'd try writing. My mom told me to think less and talk more. Does writing count?



A handful of you responded with your thoughts. I'm very thankful to receive them. I'm always thankful for your feedback and the chance to possibly start a conversation with you. Please don't hesitate to write me, call me, text me, facebook me... I really like hearing your thoughts.

So what are my thoughts when I see this picture... a few of you told me that you couldn't bear to look at it. As for me... I really can't stop looking at it for so many reasons. For one, it's a really good picture. Aesthetics. Laurie Au is the photographer. Secondly... I'm a nurse. It's almost like an "identify the equipment" picture... there's so much going on. There's the IV pump, the vent, the orotrach, the dressing from the central line they removed, the feeding tube, the feeding bag, the ambu-bag, the Q4 toothette things... and then there's the memories... there's me doing his oral care... wiping his face... stroking his forehead... talking into his ear... trying to find some open skin on his face so he could possibly feel the kisses I would give him. It brings me back there. A part of me doesn't mind remembering... a part of me is comforted by it... but another part of me is sad that he is now but a memory... one that is quickly distancing itself from my consciousness.

I found this picture while I was looking for other pictures... happy pictures... to put on a photo keychain for my mother-in-law. This particular picture was mixed in with a lot of other really happy pictures that we took while we were in Houston. The juxtaposition of them... really kind of broke my heart... and made me think. There I go again... thinking...

I think... I miss him. I think I will always miss him. He was my best best friend in the whole wide world. He was my soul mate. My lover. He was me and I was him... we were one. And now, it's just me.

I had a really good conversation with my mom yesterday or two days ago. It started out with tears, like it always does with my mom, but it ended with a lot of peace in my heart... and joy. I really feel like every single desire of my heart... God has provided. This past Sunday, I told God that I wanted to have a better relationship with my parents. And this week, God blessed me with a good conversation with my mom. It's a start. The conversation actually was a quick summary of what God had been teaching me lately and also what God had been revealing to me about the events of my entire life. Heavy. Kinda.

My mom found it hard to start a conversation with me. It was a little bit of a wake-up call for me. I, for one, feel very few barriers to talking to my mom... the major one seems to be time... for me at the moment anyway. I've been out of the house so much lately that when I'm home, I really need to do homework or get some sleep. I've been so intentional to spend time with my friends that I hadn't made the time to intentionally spend time with my parents. Also lately... I'd been kind of sick... physically... which meant more time sleeping... anyway... getting back to the conversation...

I thought that talking about what we'd learned at BSF would be a good start if she was having a hard time finding things to talk about with me. So I shared about what God was teaching me this week. There were 2 lessons that I learned from reading about the Samaritan woman at the well. (1) that when confronted with her sin, she made no excuses. She asked and God answered her... and (2) to trust God with everything and have faith in His sovereignty. The application question asked how I'd put those two lessons into action this week. For (1)... I had decided that I should not make any excuses, especially when God prompts me to share Him with my friends... or even people who aren't my friends. (2) I prayed for a husband.

I shall elaborate on point number 2. I'm not saying I'm ready yet. It is just something that I decided that I needed to submit to God, trust in Him and live as though He's already taken care of me. I think, in the depths of my heart, I still desire to have someone to love on this earth, someone to take care of me... I'd been struggling with that desire. I hadn't identified it until very recently. I desire it. But not more than I desire God. Even still, the desire is there and God... even though He knows all... He still wants us to ask. And in our asking... to lay it at His feet and trust that He has already taken care of it. I just need to wait for His plan to unfold.

My mom shared with me a few things. Hope she doesn't mind that it's being emailed out to like 200+ ppl and posted on facebook. Eh. I don't know how many of you read these posts anymore anyway. She shared with me that she has gone through times of being angry at God. That her faith in prayer and healing has been shaken. She said she used to pray for healing... and now she just prays for quick deliverance. It was sad for me to hear. It was a sad realization that I'd been so wrapped up in my own healing, my own joy, my own transformation that I didn't bother to ask the others around me how/if they were/are still struggling with Anderson's death. If anything, I thought that I would have had the biggest struggle... but now I see it's not always the case.

So I explained to her what I felt about suffering... about Anderson's death. God did not heal Anderson of his physical ailments on earth. But God healed him spiritually and healed me as well. I can only speak for myself, but the intimacy I experience with God right now... the lavish love that I took so many words to write about in the past two posts and still have much more to say...the abundant life... the JOY in Christ that I had never EVER before experienced in my 20+ years as a Christian... the healing that occurred not only in my heart, but in my spirit... THAT is more important than healing the body. The body will pass... eventually... sooner or later, it will. But the spirit is eternal. To quote Jim Eliot again... he is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. That was from memory. Hope I remembered it right. The spiritual healing is more important and more valuable than physical healing. We should all be praying for everyone's spiritual healing... as well as their physical healing.

Now... on the topic of suffering... I explained that as I was asking God for a husband... He revealed to me that HE was my husband... He is the bridegroom and I am His bride... (reference Lavish Love, part I). When I submitted my longing for earthly love at His feet... God opened my eyes... awakened me, if you will... with the realization of HIS love for me and how much more powerful, more abundant, and even MORE wonderful than any love I could have imagined for myself. He loved me so much He masterfully orchestrated every single detail of my life to prepare me to receive His love. I was awestruck. Speechless. I was knocked off my feet. It was breathtaking how much He loves me... how He knows every intimate detail about me and about my heart and how every single crisis, every blessing, every turn, every stumbling block, every course correction... was all leading me right here... right into the arms of my loving God. He's been waiting for me to come to Him... He's been waiting my whole life. Just for me. I asked for earthly love and He opened my eyes to His great love for me. Amazing.

Some notable and relevant quotes from Streams in the Desert:

Revelation 3:19. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.
God selects the best and most notable of His servants for the best and most notable afflictions, for those who have received the most grace from Him are able to endure the most afflictions. In fact, an affliction hits a believer never by chance but by God's divine direction. He does not haphazardly aim His arrows, for each one is on a special mission and touches only the heart for whom it is intended. It is not only the grace of God but also His glory that is revealed when a believer can stand and quietly endure an affliction. -Joseph Caryl

And also from a few days back...

Malachi 3:3. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.
Our Father, who seeks to perfect His saints in holiness, knows the value of the refiner's fire. It is with the most precious metals that a metallurgist will take the greatest care. He subjects the metal to a hot fire, for only the refiner's fire will melt the metal, release the dross, and allow the remaining, pure metal to take a new and perfect shape in the mold. A good refiner never leaves the crucible but, as the above verse indicates, "will sit" down by it so the fire will not become even one degree too hot and possibly harm the metal. And as soon as he skims the last bit of dross from the surface and sees his face reflected in the pure metal, he extinguishes the fire-Arthur Tappan Pierson.

Any and all afflictions have a purpose. A specific, intended purpose. The arrow is not haphazardly shot... it is aimed. At me. At you. I'm not quite sure how you feel about Anderson's death, but I definitely got a bit fat arrow aimed at me. Ouchie. So why did my refiner's fire have to burn Anderson away? Anderson embodied my biggest idol. In Anderson, I laid my security, my heart, my everything. My husband, my future, my life. Until I was willing to submit and let go of my husband, my future, my life... I was unable to fully receive God's love for me in all its fullness and glory. Not even saying that my love for God is perfect, but it is so so SO much more than before... so much more than even 6 months ago... 3 months ago. So much more than all the love I'd ever experienced in my life combined.

So... I'm not angry. I'm not upset at God. God took my husband out of my arms, but gave me room to hold on to Someone greater and better... God Himself. When my "dross" was released, I was able to take a new and shiny shape. And right at the perfect moment... not too short, not too long... the PERFECT moment for me... God extinguished the fire.

He's already taken care of me. And yet He still wants us to ask. So I ask. Every little whim, every thought, every desire...I ask. Why not?