Day 62 - Gain & Loss

This might be a quickie. We'll see how quickly I can get my thoughts out this morning.

Yesterday, I was reading John and this verse stuck out to me.

John 9:⁴¹Jesus said, "If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains.

This morning I read this:

^{Phil 3:8}What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ

And thought of this:

^{Mark 8:36} And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?

It seems like in all of life, we're out to gain something. We work long and hard to gain education, so many of my friends are house hunting, job hunting... I go shopping so I can gain what I "need". There's nothing essentially wrong with these things... until they start to take over and control you and start becoming obsessions. That need to have, to attain, to add to your collection... I totally feel it and I totally need to do a heart check all the time to remind myself that this is not what I live for.

Oh what I wouldn't give to see Anderson again. Everywhere I look, I'm hit with memories and then reminders that he's no longer here with me. It's such a great mystery to me how this man, this dude I didn't even know ten years ago, could now be so inextricably intertwined in my being that I can't do anything without it reminding me of him.

I'm thankful for his life. So thankful. But I also am thankful for what has happened after his death. Not to say that if God had given me the choice that I would have chosen for our lives (or my life) to end up this way... but I see how through this great loss, I have gained a heart of flesh... I've gained a hunger and desire to know God more... and because of that, I'm living a richer, more abundant life now more than any other time in my life. My earthly loss has become an eternal gain. Not a bad deal... especially when it comes with the promise that I'll see him again one day for an eternity. It'll be a double gain one day. And what is a lifetime in comparison to an eternity? Isn't it said that life is like a wisp in the wind... a drop in the ocean? Small loss in this life isn't really a huge deal in light of eternity.

What the world counts as gain... I can totally see how Paul would say that he counts it as loss. The more you lose in this world, whether it be your sight, freedom, a husband, security in an earthly future... the more you are able to gain Christ.

K, it's been about 20 minutes and I need to stop writing now. I don't want to give the impression that I don't mourn with people who undergo tragic losses. It's still painful. It's suffering to some degree. I also don't want you to think that I want everyone to stop school, stop looking for a job or a house, break up your marriage and give up everything they own... but... would you throw it all out in the trash...if it meant gaining your soul?

Day 60 - Peace

Shalom is a Hebrew word, so much richer in its range of meanings than the English word "peace," which usually refers to the absence of outward conflict or to a state of inner calm. The concept of shalom includes these ideas but goes beyond them, meaning "wholeness," "completeness," "finished word," "perfection," "safety," or "wellness." Shalom comes from living in harmony with God. The fruit of that harmony is harmony with others, prosperity, health, satisfaction, soundness, wholeness, and well-being. When you pray to Yahweh Shalom, you are praying to the source of all peace.-Ann Spangler

For certain, I had no peace today. No state of inner calm. No wholeness, completeness, finished word, perfection, safety or wellness. I didn't have a particularly bad day today. Something just didn't feel quite right.

I think I tend to be in fouler moods when I have to be somewhere early in the morning. Maybe I need to sleep earlier and make it a habit to wake up earlier. The best days are my lazy days. I can wake up when I open my eyes... not to an alarm, a barking dog, or because I overheated... just wake up because I woke up. Then I like to spend hours dawdling about, eating a long breakfast and doing devotions. After that, I feel ready to take on homework, listen to online lectures... make plans... do what I need to do. Haven't had my ideal morning lately. Waking up has been tough, dragging myself to the next event is even tougher. It takes an act of God to change my heart and break me out of my morning foulness. On Wednesday, it was when I heard hundreds of ladies' voices lifted in worship at BSF. On Thursday, it was the God-given realizations/convictions after a productive nap. On Friday, it was reading a few paragraphs in Streams in the Desert that spoke directly to the state of my heart and then the joy of sharing about it with a good friend over good food.

Today... actually more like yesterday (Saturday), I woke up tired. I spent the whole day wishing I could take a nap, but not wanting to so I could sleep tonight. It was hot. My brain wasn't functioning. I had no clarity. I was swinging around this way and that way... being blown about like a feather caught in the wind.

I had read two things on Friday that really spoke to my heart. From, guess where...no big surprise... Streams in the Desert.

1. If I see God in everything, He will calm and color everything I see.

2. Waiting upon God is vital in order to see Him and receive a vision from Him. And the amount of time spent before Him is also critical, for our hearts are like a photographer's film-the longer exposed, the deeper the impression. For God's vision to be impressed on our hearts, we must sit in stillness at His feet for quite a long time. Remember, the troubled surface of a lake will not reflect an image.

^{John 14:1} Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God^a]">; trust also in me.

^{John 14:27} Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I'm tired. I'm so tired, I'm going to copy and paste something that I wrote in an email to someone else.

Today, I tire of trying to figure things out, trying to plan, trying to make time for everything that needs to be done. I just want to BE. To exist. To fall at my Master's feet and lay there... find peace, restoration, and purpose. I need for the waters of my heart to be quieted and stilled... so that His reflection will be clear for all to see.

Just thought I'd share. Night!

Day 58

I miss my husband.

I haven't put away his pictures. Whenever I walk by and glance at a picture of his smiling face, initially, my reflex is to smile and then double back and take a second look to regain the familiar emotion. When I double back, the realization that he's no longer here with me sinks in and I get a little sad again.

I haven't been wearing my engagement ring lately. I've found that especially when I'm meeting new people, it's one of the first things they ask about. When I'm wearing just the bands, I get far less questions. I think people just assume that asking about my husband would be a safe, happy conversation starter. When I hit them with the fact that I'm widowed, I see the shock in their eyes, they're taken aback, and depending on their background, they'll start asking a lot of questions.

I worked the night shift last night with my preceptor at St. Jude. My preceptor asked if I was married... and somehow instead of telling her that I wasn't, I told her that I was widowed. Nurses... ask a lot of medical questions. It's easier for me to talk about him medically than it is for me to talk about him emotionally. A lot of people assume that it's hard. It is... but it isn't at the same time.

The other day I decided to wear my engagement ring again. It's so pretty. I just stare at it. When I look into the eye of my diamond... it glitters back at me. I hear his voice telling me that it's just a small thing that he wanted to give me to represent "us". It's precious metal with precious stones. It's beautiful, but it represents so much more. He always said that he'd get me another one if I wanted it. I kept telling him that I would have been happy with a fake one and this one is far beyond what I had imagined I'd receive. It's the same for our love. His love was far and beyond what I'd imagined I'd ever receive. I feel so blessed to have, even for a short time, been the recipient of such a beautiful and precious love. It is a beautiful, but weak representation of a far better thing. It also reminds me that everything here on earth... even at its finest, most precious, most rare... is but a foggy shadow of what's waiting for us in heaven.

Another reason why I like staring at my ring is because of... chemistry. A diamond is carbon. Graphite is carbon. Graphite is dirty, black and cheap... it's used in pencils. Diamonds are precious, rare, beautiful and expensive. Granted they are cut and polished but you get what I mean. They're both made of the same chemical, but one becomes the other when put under conditions of tremendous pressure and temperature.The ugly is made beautiful through pressure and heat.

I have another song stuck in my head today:

Holy Fire burn away,
my desire for anything
that is not of you and is of me,
I want more of you and less of me
Empty me,
Fill me,
with you (I cleaned up this 2nd part)

I think I have more to say about this whole thing but I'm tired and I need to sleep.

Day 53 - Cornerstone

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

That's how I feel after having visited Cornerstone today. I really like it and I can't wait to visit again. (Julia, does this post make you happy too? :P)

Day 51

Then they will know that I am the LORD.

I've been reading the book of Ezekiel with a friend. Our commentary said that the phrase "then they will know that I am the LORD" is mentioned over 67 times throughout the book. A whole lot of Ezekiel is God revealing that He is a God of justice. I'm thankful for the reminder not only that God is a God of love that endures forever... but that He is holy and righteous and how wonderful His grace is to save us.

A good friend told me the other day that I'm a different Tiff than I was a year ago. I agree... that I've changed a lot... but it made me wonder what about me has changed and what about me hasn't?

I read this today and I realized that this is what had changed:

^{Ezekiel 36:26} I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.

My heart was stone. And now it's flesh. It's new so I tend to see old things in a new light and new things in a different way than I used to.

Lately, Streams in the Desert has been having a lot of entries on suffering. One illustration was how in a steel mill, pieces of steel are crushed, twisted, and bent to their breaking point and only then will the steel manager know how much pressure it can withhold... and therefore what utility that steel would be appropriate for. Another statement was how one can theorize and talk about faith, but through intense heat, the dross will be separated from the precious metal and THEN you will see what was real and what was not. Another illustration was about how fine china is fired at least 3 times... exposed multiple times to intense heat... why? so that the colors will brighter, more beautiful, and permanently attached.

Recently, I've been enjoying the richness of friendship and fellowship with others. I feel like the colors of my life are brighter and more beautiful. That makes me really happy.

I really can say that I consider it joy to have encountered all these trials this past year. I've been tested and been placed in intense heat and my faith and love for God is stronger now than it has ever been in my entire life. I've experienced such richness and beauty that... I never want to go back to the way things used to be. I still miss him. A whole lot. But I live in full confidence that Anderson is in heaven, he is no longer in any pain, and that I will see him again one day for an eternity and that gives me a lot of hope... and it does feel like refreshing sunshine warming my face in a cold, dark world.

Here's another good quote from Streams in the Desert that I wanted to note:

...a shallow life lives on its impulses, impressions, intuitions, instincts, and largely on its circumstances. Those with profound character, however, look beyond all these and move steadily ahead, seeing the future, where sorrow, seeming defeat, and failure will be reversed. They sail right through storm clouds into the bright sunshine, which always awaits them on the other side. -from the entry on Sept 9.

So why did all this happen... to me, of all people? I'm still figuring it out, but bits and pieces here and there have been revealed. My heart of stone has been replaced with one of flesh, I have been brought (at least a little bit) out of a shallow life and into profound character and most importantly that I will KNOW, without a doubt and without question more than just theoretically, that God is Lord.

...then they will know that I am the LORD.

yup.

Day 48 - My lifesong

I've wanted to write about something for a few days already. Normally, I'd have a thought and if I didn't write about it, it'd just pass. This time, instead of that desire fading away as the days went by, I feel like every day since, I've been having more and more realizations and more and more to add to my thoughts about... songs.

I might have forgotten some realizations, but I'll try my best to recall.

The other day I was thinking about how awesome worship songs are. We sing these songs every week... sometimes we learn a new one, sometimes we sing an old one... but lately, I've been singing and realizing how wonderfully true the words are. Amazing grace. How deep the Father's love for us. Blessed be the name. Mighty to save. Savior King. It is well. What amazes me is that this God I love has been the same for generations. The realizations, the emotions... everything I feel... someone else also felt the exact same way. The heartfelt words penned by some random person hundreds of years ago... are still true today. Why? Because God is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.

It was an amusing revelation when one day I told Anderson that all the love songs ever written... I felt like that's what my heart was saying to him. Every time. He was my love song. He was all my love songs. I love him so my heart would sing to him. With words, with music... my voice, my hands... everything.

In the same way that I realized that my love for Anderson made all love songs come alive for me... I realized that I'm rediscovering love for God in a way that makes all the worship songs ever written come alive for me too. Awesome.

There's something so powerful about music. It reaches across ages, generations, cultures, languages... the music that one person makes... (the good stuff) touches another person's heart in ways that words can't sometimes. I feel like words come out of your brain... music flows out of your heart and soul. Receiving words... goes from one brain to another but you have to put it in the right language for someone to understand. Music is not like that. It's its own language. Almost universal, I think. Music can flow out of someone's heart and go directly into someone else's. I don't think that is an original thought. I'm pretty sure I read it or heard it somewhere else. Anyway... doesn't make it any less true.

On Monday, I had the pleasure of being around very musically gifted friends. Through the music they made with their hands and voices, even though I didn't know them well and hadn't seen them in years, I felt my heart smile as they shared their lives through their music with me. It was so much more intimate and powerful than our conversations and I'm so happy, honored, and privileged I got a chance to enjoy them as friends in that way.

On Sunday, we read from Ephesians 5 in small groups.

¹⁹Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, ²⁰always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The things we speak to others... make music in our hearts to God. Hm.

The music I make in my heart... the words that come out of my mouth... they're my lifesong. What does it sound like? Is it happy? Is it sad? What music comes out of my heart? How does my lifesong sound? What words do I put to my lifesong?

So, I've had this line stuck in my head for days: Let my lifesong sing to You. I've had that line stuck in my head even before I realized about worship music, about the power of music... about how our hearts make music. I just kept singing it over and over in my head. I didn't even know the rest of the words to the song until I looked it up a day or so ago.

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to you

Let my lifesong sing to You - Casting Crowns

It's a simple song, but I like it. My lifesong is my love song... to God. I hope it makes Him smile. I don't really know how to end this post. I'll just end it here.

Day 43 - Joy

I wanted to write about joy today. I tend to write so frequently about pain; I thought I'd change it up a bit.

I think I've always struggled with joy. Finding joy. Having joy. It doesn't really come naturally to me. I'm not a bubble-over type of person... more of a mellow fellow.

The closest I'd ever come to joy (before Anderson) was delight. And even then, it was fleeting... but it was a glimpse.

When I think of things that bring me delight... it could be cute magnets, babies... mini things, larger-than-normal things... a paycheck... a cute coat. Joy... I had the most joy with Anderson. It was a joy and a love that I had never experienced before. So wonderful. Words can't even describe it. It was happiness, delight... times a billion. I miss him so much.

Nowadays... I don't know if I've been joyful, but I've been happy... I've been delighted... my heart has smiled. What brings me the most delight nowadays is friendships and relationships. My heart has been uplifted through being with people, reconnecting with people I haven't seen in a long time... sharing life with them... sharing food with them... sharing laughs and reminiscing and making new memories.

All these things are wonderful and all my friends, relationships, and the time we've spent together... sweet, sweet times of fellowship... are all gifts from God and they bring me a lot of happiness. But they are the gifts. And I was reminded today that my joy should not lie with the gifts, but with the giver of the gifts. How horrible would it be to take the gift, revel in the gift... and fail to give thanks to the giver who so lovingly prepared the gifts for us?

When we focus on the gifts more than the giver, that's where our hope and our desire is... in the earthly things. And in that way, they become a false source of happiness, a false source of security... our idols, basically. Things here on earth... they get old, they rust, they're destroyed in fires, swept away by hurricanes (or is it tornadoes... not really sure)... they get lost... and sometimes... they die and are taken away from us. It's painful to lose such precious and wonderful gifts. But the giver is always there. He will never leave us or forsake us. He has always been and He will always be. And He never fails to give good gifts to His children because he loves us so, so much.

I hope I always keep my eyes, my hope, my everything... on the giver and not the gifts. My life, my hope, my service... forever to Him who will never fail me. Thank you for the reminder today.

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose. -Jim Elliot

Day 41

I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him. Everywhere I go and everything I do... I feel his absence in my life.

I can't imagine a day when a memory will flash and my heart doesn't churn and writhe. The pain isn't as intense as it once was, but it's still there. I still exhale silent cries.

I know why I push myself to exhaustion night after night. It's so I can go to bed and fall asleep right away. Once I'm asleep, I stay asleep. It's those moments right before I fall asleep that are super sensitive and emotional. For 80-90% of the day, you can ask me how I'm doing and I'll tell you that I'm OK. Actually, if I have company right before I sleep, I'll be distracted enough to say that I'm OK too. It's when I'm by myself and alone in bed... it dawns on me every few days that I'm not OK. Not yet.

Something I read today...

...suffering opens our eyes to the true values of life and dispels many a deceitful dream

My previous post on Day 40 went over my true values of life... my deceitful dreams dispelled are... security in earthly things. Money. Education. Effort & achievement. Even my marriage... sanctioned and created by God to bless me and my husband... is not something to rest my security in. Being married and being a wife... not my sole purpose in life, as it turns out. All I ever wanted was to be married and have my own family. I never planned anything beyond that. I even wanted Jesus to hold off His second-coming so I could get married first. Dispelled. Shattered. But now it leaves room in my heart for what God really wanted to give me. Don't really know what it is yet, but God's way is better than Tiff's way 100% of the time so I'm not worried that it won't be better than anything I could ever have dreamed up.

I need to sleep now. Shoulda taken a benadryl tonight.