Day 189 - answered prayers

I really wanted to update you all yesterday, but I wasn't at liberty to quite yet. Now that I am, I'm feeling so exhausted that I don't know if I'll be able to write the way I want to. In fact, I know I won't be able to. My brain is fried.

I wanted to thank you all SO MUCH for praying for me and for encouraging me! I've been so touched by your words, by your kindness, by your acts of love for me. Seriously... I'm so encouraged. :) Thank you.

I was vacuuming today. I hardly vacuum. Anderson would vacuum all the time. He'd always get on my case for not vacuuming my room. Every time I'd vacuum, I'd tell him that I'm only doing this for you. He'd say "FOR me?" as if I was buying myself a BMW and telling him that it was for him... but seriously...I vacuumed for him... to make him feel more comfortable in my room... because I knew he'd like it.

So I was vacuuming here and there... and I was thinking to myself... wow... I have a job. He always told me that I could go to work and he could stay home and watch the kids. I told him in my mind that I could be his sugar momma now. If only he were still around to do the vacuuming.

So yes, I only wrote a one-liner at the bottom of my last post about my interview yesterday... but God answered. He answered above and beyond what I'd asked for myself.

Almost a week ago, I was thinking to myself... that I didn't have anyone to talk to. I was thinking how rare it was to have a really interesting conversation or even a deep one. I don't know why I was feeling that way. I wasn't even depressed or sad or anything... I was just thinking that I didn't have anyone to talk to. And somehow... God decided to POUR His love out onto me to remind me that I have SO many people to talk to and SO many deep and worthwhile conversations to have with people. I didn't even ask. One after another, by phone, by text, by email, by gchat... God blessed me with wonderful conversations with people I hadn't talked to in a while. Yesterday night I was up late chatting with a friend and this particular conversation left me so giddy that I could not keep from smiling and laughing to myself as I took my shower and got ready for bed. I love how God loves me. I love how He uses His Word, circumstances and the people all around me to show me in such a powerful way that He loves me.

I will never doubt again. -Buttercup from The Princess Bride

OK. I'm beyond exhausted. In case you're not on facebook, I received and accepted an official offer for a new grad position on the telemetry/oncology (heart monitoring and cancer patients) floor at Anaheim Regional Medical Center. :) Orientation is the last week of February and I start work the first week of March. I also have a lot of really great friends whom I love very dearly.

One quickie that I wanted to share. OK maybe a few quickies. I don't even know if anything I say could ever be called a "quickie" but let me try.

The interview yesterday went quite well. I was next to dead last to be interviewed... maybe that worked in my favor... not sure. It certainly gave me a lot of time to sit and wait. I tried to go over scenarios with the people at my table. I dunno. They all just seemed to want to freak out and complain about the wait. Maybe they were too nervous to go over what you would do for a CHF (congestive heart failure) patient or a stroke patient or what drugs you'd give for this or that. Whatever. I was sitting there. I was hot and cold at the same time. Pits were sweaty. Not a great feeling but I was handling it.

Prior to the interviews we had done a medical mystery luncheon. Fun and lucrative. :) My team won and we each were gifted with a pretty hefty sum. Anyway, early on, they'd introduced all the department managers and I remember thinking to myself... I really like that one... I hope I get to talk to her later. And just so happened that she was the one who interviewed me. She was impressed that I had used the typewriter function on Acrobat to fill out my employment application. Actually, I think that the manager on the night shift was sitting with us at our table so she wasn't allowed to interview us. It really was God who worked it out that I got interviewed by this particular woman. Wow this is not going to be a quickie, is it? OK I'll get to the point. She asked me about various points on my application. I had to explain my complicated schooling situation and also my leave of absence early in 2009. I made quick mention that my husband had brain cancer and that he passed last July. Right away she looked at me and told me that the tele floor is also an oncology floor. She asked me if I could handle taking care of oncology patients. I don't know how or why, but I started to tear up. Just really quickly. I've said before that when I start crying, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore... weird stuff just comes out of my mouth. Thankfully, none of the stuff that came out during the interview was horrid.

I told her that I actually really want to work with oncology patients. I told her that I had experienced what it felt like to be a caregiver, living with someone struggling with cancer. I know how frustrating it is with all the appointments, the anxiety after a scan or diagnostic test... everyone telling you that you should do this, try this, change your diet, change the way you do this do that... everyone's got a "secret" to curing cancer and it's all so overwhelming but you do anything and everything that you can "just in case" it'll help. I told her that I know how it is and I understand.

I also told her that there were two ways that I could handle the life circumstances that I'd been given. One way is to stuff it in and try to ignore it or wish it would go away, or I could go the other way which is to use my experiences to help people and I've chosen to help people.

Maybe crying is a good way to loosen me up. I dunno. I'm not sure what else I said during the interview that stuck with her. She said my explanation about the pathophys of CHF was the best she'd heard all day. Yeah, I don't know where that came from either. Hurst Review? God probably put it in my head. Not like I didn't stutter through it either, because I did. This whole thing was God's grace. No denying it.

Anyway, I'm really happy. :) I'm really excited too. Maybe I'll freak out a little too later on, but I think that's OK. Thank you for praying for me. Good night!

Day 187 - Pensieve & Prayer Request

I don't have too much time tonight but I wanted to get some thoughts out before I forget.

For some reason, I've been having similar discussions lately with various different people. People either ask me or have asked other people whether or not I talk like I write. What's your opinion?

I find it rather amusing. If you ask me what I thought about it... I'd tell you that I don't talk like I write... I write much more fluidly and lucidly than I speak... AND I use bigger words when I write... but as far as content goes, if you talked to me on the day of a blog post, chances are you might have already heard what I was going to write about.

I had a thought this morning that my blog is like my pensieve. For the Harry Potter fans out there, you're probably already familiar with it but for those of you who haven't read about a pensieve, I'll just briefly explain what it is. Professor Dumbledore has a pensieve in his office. He touches his wand to his temple, he "pulls" out a "thought" and then transfers it into a basin of some swirly magical fluid. Someone else can then stick their head into the basin and be immersed in someone else's memories. When I write in here, I'm pulling out a series of thoughts which flow directly from my brain, through my fingers and onto the screen and when the thought's done, I stop. It is some kind of magic that my thoughts poured out this way are cohesive and comprehensible. I rarely edit before I press "publish post". I probably should though. Sometimes I find typos when I read it again the next day. Anyway, so these posts are my pensieve... and as you read, it's like I'm allowing all of you to stick your head in my pensieve and experience a memory, a thought, or a piece of my and Anderson's life together.

Anderson took a picture of me once... reading Harry Potter. He printed it out with a little caption underneath it, "The Happiest Reader I Know". I wish I had that pic to share with you. It was on his bulletin board in his room. Anyway...

Today, I wanted to use this blog post in a way that I haven't utilized this form of communication in a while... I want to ask for your prayers for me. If you've only read posts from this blog, you might not know that this blog evolved from a series of prayer request emails that I started sending people back when we first moved to Houston for Anderson's treatment. The prayer request emails turned into update emails... the updates evolved to include my thoughts on life, on what God was teaching me... and this blog is a continuation of what God's continuing to teach me in the aftermath of my husband's passing.

I need your prayers. Why? Because... I'm freaking out. LOL.

A lot has happened in the past two weeks. The door closed for the job in Torrance, but a few more opened immediately afterwards. And I refrained from posting about this for a while because I didn't want it to seem like I was being prideful or bragging. Truth is, it freaks me out just as much as it excites me. Have I kept you in suspense long enough? OK, enough with the preamble, I'll just try to get to the point.

I was asked to be the speaker at the women's retreat for Harvest San Diego during the weekend of February 12-14 and I was also asked to write an article/testimony for Inheritance Magazine. I agreed to do both. I took a step back and looked at what I had agreed to do and I somehow... I cannot believe that I got asked to do these two things. Who am I? Who am I to be speaking at a women's retreat or writing for a magazine? Why me?

For the people with whom I've shared these upcoming events... I've mostly received a lot of excitement and encouragement at these opportunities. I'm excited too. Actually, I go through waves. Waves of feeling really really excited... and waves of feeling really freaked out and inadequate. Multiple times a day. I wonder if people are ever surprised to hear that I'm doing these things. They probably wouldn't tell me to my face. Anyway, babbling again.

During my waves of freaking out, a lot of thoughts go through my mind. Mostly thoughts that I'm not good enough, what if people think I'm boring, what if they don't like me, what if I get there and have nothing to say, what if I don't make sense, what if I put people to sleep, what if they hate me? I really need your prayer for this. Even writing about it is almost making me cry.

God is always faithful and God is always encouraging me. During one of my most potent freakouts, I had decided to read my Bible segment for that day. It was a series of chapters about God's call to Moses from the burning bush from Exodus 3-4. In reading about Moses's encounter with God, I heard myself and my own fears... and just as God spoke Moses, God also spoke to me. God told Moses exactly what to say. Moses kept making excuses. What if they don't listen to me? I'm not eloquent. SEND SOMEONE ELSE! God reminds Moses of His power. When Job asked God WHY... God responded by reminding Him of His power and His sovereignty. I can't use my own weaknesses as my excuse to not do what God tells me. God is the God who created me, who created words, who created thoughts, who created EVERYTHING. He has the power to have His words flow through me even if my mouth is incapable of speaking them... He's just asking that I do my part by being willing and obedient to do what He tells me to do and go where He tells me to go.

And it's not like I haven't been prepared beforehand. The commentary on this particular set of chapters said that Moses' time in the palace and the time spent in humility in the wilderness as a shepherd was necessary to prepare Moses for what God was about to do through him. All my life was meant to prepare me for what God is about to do through me too. And God's not asking me to go to the ruler of the greatest country of the day to ask an unreasonable request... He's just asking me to go share... go share what I've done in your life... go share what I've opened your eyes to see... what I've opened your heart to experience. The message is not my own, it is God's and it is only by His grace that I've experienced enough to share about it... and only by His grace that other people have asked me to bless more people by sharing my story. It is all His. How can I refuse to give and use what's already His just because I'm afraid?

That being said... I need help. I need your help. I need your prayer and your support. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed... like I'm sinking... and I forget momentarily that I was walking on water because I get scared of the wind.

And seriously... I keep hearing this song in my head...

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

So... yeah. :) That's all. I'm tired. Have an interview tomorrow too. Or later this afternoon. I'll let you know how it goes. Night!

Day 182 - bookmarking & bananas

I've been on a bookmark-making rampage the past week. So far, I've made 39 bookmarks and 13 (+1 failed) tassels. I'm gonna have triceps of steel from trimming 39 bookmarks twice (once to cut them out after printing, and another to cut them out after laminating). I'm contemplating making another 30. Thinking about it.

In an effort to utilize every last inch of perfectly good real estate on a laminating sheet (yes, I'm Chinese... I don't waste) for my last batch of bookmarks, I looked around for other things I could laminate. There were two post-its that Anderson wrote for me taped to my desk. They were getting pretty beat up so I figured, I'd just laminate them too.

Leaving post-its for each other was one of our "things". Ever since we first started dating, we'd leave each other notes all over the place for each other to find. Sometimes, I'd just flip to a random date on his planner and scribble a little love note. On the day of his graduation, I covered his desk with post-it notes (even put some in his graduation gown and cap). We'd always hide them for each other in places we knew we'd find them later. Sometimes I'd leave him notes in his toiletry bag before he left for Brazil so he'd get a little surprise from me when he got there. After some time, our post-its evolved to writing e-cards to each other and setting them to be sent at some random date in the future. We'd write them for each other and it'd always be a pleasant surprise when we'd "find" another love note on any given day. Always brought me a lot of joy and excitement. Still does.

Yesterday, I was thinking again that maybe I wouldn't get any more e-cards from him. :/ Sometimes I'll get one and I'll wonder if this will be the last one. Haven't gotten one in a while. They were going to stop eventually... I knew that. Anyway... remember a while ago when I wrote that God always finds some way to grant me the desires of my heart... when I went to laminate the post-its, I turned them around and I saw that he'd written another note on the back of one of the post-its for me to find one day... I think I'd read it before but when I read it yesterday, it was like I was reading this love note again for the first time.

It was dated May 6, 2007... written in his trademark girly-swirly script...

I love you more and more everyday. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. -me

Certain things pierce straight through to the depths of my heart. This was one of those things. We'd been dating for 4 years already at that time. Did he know that a year and a half after he wrote that note that we'd be man and wife? Did he know that we'd spend most of our marriage in Houston, TX and most of THAT time living in a hospital together? No, of course not, but it didn't matter what we did or where we did it as long as we did it together. I'm glad that he did get to spend the rest of his life with me. It's little things like these that make me really really happy and appreciative of the man I had the honor and privilege of marrying. Someone asked me yesterday what drew me to Anderson prior to dating him. I haven't responded to that question yet... I guess I'll just blog about it and you all can read it.

He was such a good person. Everything he did and the way he did them... fascinated me. He had his unique "way" to do everything... the way he sprinkled parsley flakes on every single dish he cooked...the way he flipped a crepe in the pan... the way he side-armed a baseball... had his own special touch... it was smooth and graceful, precise and intentional. You could see it in his eyes. The way he reacted to situations... to people... the words that would come out of his mouth... his love and care... and politeness and courtesy... his calmness... how reasonable he was... oozed from his actions and his words. And he made me feel so safe and comfortable around him. He just let me talk my nonsense... whatever came to mind... unknowingly sending him mixed messages... but it was simply what was going through my head at the time... I didn't know or realize what he was thinking as he was soaking it all in... getting more and more confused with every interaction and conversation. He took care of me, he fed me... he cooked for me. Well, he cooked and set aside a portion for me. He cooked for his roommates too. He was a far better person than I. It intrigued me. In all my life trying to be a good person... here was someone who had it down... and I had the honor of being close enough to experience it. It drew me to him.


The parsley flaking...

His fishing "method"

I dunno what he's doing but he just had his "ways".

I know I have pictures of him throwing... but I can't find them. I give up. I remember taking pics of him while watching him play IM softball at UCI.

I don't know if he met any of my "criteria"... I know he didn't meet the most important one... at the time. I don't know if God drew me to him or if God just decided to have things end up this way because of my own weakness, but by God's grace, He worked it out so that Anderson and I could journey together, with Him, these past 6 years. He was destined and chosen to be God's child... and God used me, Ted, and whoever else to bring him into His sheepfold. Anderson ended up being exactly what I needed; the man of the dreams I hadn't dreamt yet. But he didn't become that man right away. It took our journey of sorrow... suffering through brain cancer, through treatment, through our relationship... and God's hand in all of it... to bring us to a place where we'd cry out to Him for deliverance... to turn him into the perfect man for me and me the perfect woman for him.

God has His reasons and purpose for the suffering we endure in this life. I don't have the answers for you and yours... but for me and mine... I know that it had a purpose and that God was glorified through it.

And he continues to teach me more and more about how to love God through his love for me. That simple love note that he wrote to me... that's the love we are to have for God. To love Him more and more everyday... and to be eager to spend the rest of our lives with Him. To feel what it feels like to be loved with a passion by my husband has taught me how to love a man... and has opened up my heart to learn how to love God.

It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately... to love God. It is His greatest commandment.

^{Matthew 22:36}"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" ³⁷Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' ³⁸This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' ⁴⁰All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

To love God. It sounds so simple... because it is...and it is lovely... but at the same time... it is a high calling... a great commitment... but SO worth it. To be loved by God and to love Him colors my world with a brilliance and beauty I never thought possible. It moves my heart in ways I never thought possible... it stirs me to passion, something I'd never known or experienced. Ambivalence and negativity is what I grew up with and what I'd grown accustomed to. I'd been hurt by so many people and experiences growing up... I had a motto of pessimism and self-reliance because I couldn't rely on other people, they will always let me down... I'm better off doing things by myself and on my own. This was my lonely existence... with a heart and attitude that didn't care for others in the interest of self-preservation... driven by fear and in an effort to avoid additional pain... a life full of jealousy and discontentment at what others seem to have but had somehow passed over and eluded ME. I was a wallflower. A nobody. Until I was loved. Until I was chosen. It was only then that I had a name because I meant something to someone else. I dunno where I was going with that one.

Oh, probably about my heart. Something I've noticed lately... I've had a passion and fascination with God's people. I'm intrigued. I'm interested. I think it only happened after I fell in love with God and started to love the things He loves. Through reading the Old Testament, I've come to have such a love for God's people... including the Israelites. I've been doing a lot of thinking about why I love the Israelites. Lately it seems like I'm fascinated with everything about them. Couldn't put it into words. Drawn to them.

Something I read lately... a book dedication... helped me start to understand a little bit why I'm so appreciative of them.

to the Jewish people, for preserving a faith upon which my own is built. - Ann Spangler

In reading more and learning more about them, their history, their culture... how God set up the law, their festivals, things they do in remembrance of what God did for them... I'm awestruck at how wonderful it all is. To think... having your culture and God be so intertwined... it adds so much richness and depth to the history of your people and to your relationship with God. SO awesome! I was so jealous!

I'm also reading up on rabbis and how they teach by example. They invite others to live life with them... to do what they do, eat what they eat... such an awesome way to learn... a much preferred way than lecture, in my opinion. And I was also learning about haverim/haverah... they're like student partners... study buddies... to enrich their learning by having conversations and intense discussions about scripture. I think this is all beyond awesome. Hope I didn't get it wrong. Feel free to correct me if you know more about it than I do.

I can't remember if I blogged about it before... but as I was reading Romans, I kinda LOL'd. Here, I'll put it here for you and then tell you why I laughed.

^{Romans 2:28}A man is not a Jew if he is only one outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. ²⁹No, a man is a Jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God.

I'm an inward Jew! I'm a Chinese/Jewish banana! LOL.

OK anyway, seriously... I've been hearing Ruth's words in my head... Ruth the Moabitess who married into a Jewish family... when her mother-in-law told her to go back to her family after her husband passed away... she said no. ^{Ruth 1:16} But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. ¹⁷ Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."

Your people will be my people and your God my God. Dang. So powerful. Such commitment.

This applies to us too... us, Gentiles, as we're adopted into God's family... we're also God's children... and His people are our people, and their God, our God. My God. The God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob... the God of Tiffany Chen. OK I'm not like all that important compared to Abe, Izzy and Jake. But same God. They're like... my family too.

^{John 10:16}I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. (for the BSF ladies/men)

So it makes reading the Bible and learning about the history of the Israelites a lot more interesting when you think of it as MY history too. I can't get mad at them because... well... I do the same thing. Human nature hasn't changed. What they did then is the same as what we do now...so if we're all the same... what lessons did they learn that I can also learn from... what mistakes did they make then that I shouldn't make now? It's not only that God delivered THEM from oppression and slavery... He delivered US from all that... slavery and bondage to sin. Enslavement. I'll save it for another blog entry.

K... getting long... I'll end this (soon) with an excerpt from my own musings after I read about the 10th plague (death of the firstborns of Egypt), the Passover, and the memorials that God established so that His people would remember what God did for them that day.

I keep thinking about it and it's not like we're reading about THE Israelites... we're reading about OUR ppl. OUR God. God delivered the Israelites from Egypt... He delivered all of us from the world. Must always keep that in mind. As God's children, we are ALL God's children, then and now. And we are also to remember and take seriously the Passover and its meaning... and its fulfillment in what Jesus did for us on the cross. It should be on our hands (in everything we do) and between our eyes (in everything we see) Exodus 13:9. It is our duty to remember and to pass it along to our children as well. God knows how easily we forget so He sets up these things to help us remember. Love it. Thank you, God!

Proud to be a banana... and off to finish some more bookmarks...

Day 181 - the road to Hana

From Tifferson Continued

I'm back from Maui. A lot of people asked what I was doing there...I didn't realize there could be other reasons aside from vacationing that I'd be in Maui... is it because it was in the middle of January? It feels like I haven't blogged in a long time, but it really hasn't been that long. Just a week. I've had lots of thoughts... but somehow not much urge to blog them. Just wanted to update you all with how I've been doing lately.

Let's see... some interesting things from Maui... I was the victim of postcard theft. I left 2 postcards (written, addressed, and stamped) on a desk, left for less than 5 minutes to take this picture (below) with the hotel photographer and when I returned to the desk, they were gone. Thankfully it wasn't a huge stack of postcards... just 2... but I was a little sad... and taken aback that someone would take my postcards. Got a call from my friend today that she got my stolen postcard in the mail today! I'm glad that whoever took them mailed at least one of them.

From Tifferson Continued

Someone in Hawaii also asked if my aunt and I were twins. Another person asked if we were sisters. :P

I somehow got an allergic reaction to something I put on my face. It's almost gone now. Just a very fine rash all over my face and behind my ears. Lovely souvenir from Hawaii. I am SLIGHTLY tanned... but mostly on my arms which are now covered because it's been cold and rainy at home now. It was a sunny 80 degrees everyday in Maui. I don't know why I somehow expected it to be the same when we came home... maybe because it's So Cal and it's possible to have sunny, 80-degree January's. Is this TMI? K... well I did have some thoughts about our road trip to Hana. I can blog that, but they're not very complete thoughts. Just bear with me.

One of the biggest things to do in Maui is to take the road to Hana. It's not so much the destination, but it's the journey there that makes it worthwhile. There's so much beauty... so much "natural island" to behold on the way to Hana... it's more the journey that's worth experiencing than actually getting there.

Hana is one of the last "old Hawaiian" towns left; left relatively untouched by tourism and commercialism that has changed the face of the Hawaiian islands in the last few decades. (K, I learned all this from the audio CD that we bought to tour-guide us through the road trip... I could have remembered incorrectly. Don't quote me). The only way to get there is to either take a boat or take the windy road around the mountains to that part of East Maui. We were warned to start early because it takes a while to get there, the speed limit in some parts of the road drops to 10 miles per hour because it's so windy and narrow, the road could be wet because it rains more frequently on some parts of the road, and there are over 60 one-way bridges on the 40 mile road to Hana. It doesn't look that windy on the map but... just trust me that it's pretty windy (not full of wind/air, but twisting with sharp turns). We stayed in Ka'anapali (see on the left, in west Maui). My aunt and I thought that there could be a horror movie made at nighttime called "the road to Hana"... but that probably wouldn't be good for tourism. There are no lights. I wouldn't recommend driving this road at night.

I am prone to motion sickness. I remember one winter retreat where it seemed like I projectile vomitted maruchan cup noodles and nacho cheese (I was still not smart enough in college to know NOT to eat that combo right before leaving) at the bottom of the mountain. Thankfully I was wearing a snowboarding jacket, which cleaned up very easily and I caught most of my vomit in the snow-sleeves. Again, very sorry to the poor gals who sat next to me who got puked on... and to the gals who puked later on because of me. My bad!

My aunt had researched things to do in Maui and told me about the road to Hana. She said there could be hiking along the way so I packed some appropriate footwear. I wasn't exactly thrilled at the thought of doing something that could potentially make me motionsick while on vacation, but it was something worthwhile to do so I made up my mind that we were gonna do it. Everyone said to take the road to Hana... and that the view and scenery on the way there were spectacular. Didn't want to miss out. I'd just wear my little acupressure bracelets and hope for the best. We saved the puke bag from the airplane for the road to Hana... just in case.

All in all, I think that the warnings weren't all that bad. Yes, the road is pretty windy but maybe since we were in no rush to GET to Hana, we took it slow and felt no urge to push it. Also with the narration giving us interesting facts along the way, it did make the trip feel less scary. Mostly, I think it was all in my head.

I began to think about the road to Hana and about how it relates to the journey of life. It's not a perfect analogy, but there are some lessons that can be learned. On the road to Hana and on the journey of life, there are lots of twists and turns, sometimes you are forced to drop your speed and go really slowly, sometimes you stop and let others pass you by, sometimes you hit a one-way bridge and proceed with caution. Also, life isn't just about the destination, although, the destination IS important. It's how you approach the journey there that matters just as much as actually getting there... well unless you're not going to the right place, in which case, the destination becomes VERY significant and I really really hope that you're on the journey to be with God. Come talk to me if you're not sure where you're going. Let's just say that we're talking about the Christian life here.

What you focus on during the journey really impacts your attitude and your appreciation of the trip. Are you so focused on the twists and turns that you miss the beauty on the side of the road? Are you driving so fast that you're putting yourself in harm's way? Are you so focused on the end point that you're missing the experiences along the way? Are your eyes so focused on the gray concrete that you feel that the journey is just as colorless as the path you're taking? Are you rushing to get through this one part that you're missing the beauty of the journey? Look up (wisely and with discernment) and see what's there before your eyes... God's creation... His masterpiece all around you.

(not my pictures... but you can check my fb for some...)

It's not just appreciating the journey... it's also being prepared for it so that you CAN enjoy it and make the most of it. Knowing what's coming ahead is part of the fun of the journey, but knowing to stop to hike around, to explore what's beyond what you can see from the road... it's also worthwhile... because if you just sped by without someone telling you what was there around the corner, you wouldn't even know what you were missing. I recommend the audio CD if you're gonna take the road to Hana... and I also recommend talking with people who are a little further along in the journey of life... they'll let you know what to appreciate along the way, what's good here, what's good there.... what they would have done had someone told them before THEY went... what was worth it and what wasn't.

And... being prepared... equipment-wise is beneficial too. I had packed my shoes for hiking on the road to Hana, but I had forgotten to wear them on the day of and of course I didn't realize it until we were well on our way. I couldn't hike very far in flip-flops so I was really limited in what I could do and what I could enjoy scenery-wise. My shoes, even though they were relatively close to me geographically, were totally useless cuz I didn't bring them along WITH me. I had also failed to bring a jacket for some reason... I didn't think it'd be cold or windy (yes, this time it's wind/air) along the way or in Hana. It's hard to enjoy the scenery when you're chilly, shivering and goose-bumpy. Knowing what you need, knowing what you MIGHT need and actually bringing it and using it for the journey are two very different things. The same goes for the Word of God in your life. You might have read it, you might have studied it, you might have known that you'll need it... but if you don't actually bring it or if you brought it but didn't pull it out to use it when you needed it... it doesn't serve its intended purpose... AND you've limited your enjoyment of the journey because you were unprotected and unprepared for situations when you needed it.

Hm. Getting long. I think I'm done writing about Hana and even though it's an old thought (and not a fresh one), I hope you get my point. Take the road to Hana, don't be afraid of it. Heed the warnings and count the cost, but go see for yourself. Don't rush the journey, enjoy it and stop frequently to take it in. Be prepared, do your part, bring the right "stuff" and you'll make the most of the journey. And also... stop but don't stay stopped. Keep in mind that you're on the road to Hana and what's on the way is enjoyable but it's simply that... it's on the way. Everyone lives life... but to live the abundant life heading towards a heaven to which there is no more sorrow, no more pain... makes the journey so much more enjoyable. G'night!

Day 174 - Maui thoughts

Aloha! I'm in Maui this week, enjoying the weather, the beaches, the mountains, the sun... everything's so beautiful here. And I love how everything's decorated with flowers. I'm really glad I have the opportunity to vacation in the middle of January. Life is good.

Some random thoughts. Lots of time to think, but for some reason, my own thoughts don't seem to make sense to me. I'll just copy them here from my journal and see if you can make sense of much of it.

Quote from Streams today:

It is commonly thought that a protected and easy life is the best way to life. Yet the lives of all the noblest and strongest people prove exactly the opposite and that the endurance of hardship is the making of the person. It is the factor that distinguishes between merely existing and living a vigorous life. Hardship builds character.

Quote from Streams, Jan 10:

Beloved, when you are in doubt as to which way to turn, submit your judgment absolutely to the Spirit of God, asking Him to shut every door but the right one... In the meantime, continue along the path you have already been traveling. Persist in your calling until you are clearly told to do something else... be careful to obey His smallest nudging or warning. Then after you have prayed the prayer of faith & there are no apparent hindrances, go forward with a confident heart. Do not be surprised if your answer comes in doors closing before you. -F.B. Meyer

So, I promised I'd keep you all updated on the job stuff. I got the news today that I didn't get the job in Torrance. There's a lot I could say that begin with "at least...", but I won't do that. I don't think I need to. I don't need to console myself, I don't need to reassure myself that it was a worthwhile experience, or make myself feel better because the job market's pretty tough right now... I'm not disappointed. I'm not sad. You don't need to worry about me "handling" this form of rejection. I'm good. I'm OK.

I'm a little bit relieved that I have confirmation now that this particular door is closed for now. A few other doors have opened lately and I'm going to try walking through them. There's new things to submit before God, namely two more hospitals that I'm in the process of pursuing beyond online applications. I'm just doing my part right now... "tending my fields" and then waiting for God to bring the rain and do the growing.

My reactions to various situations still tend to baffle me... to the point that I really sit myself down and think why I'm NOT sad. Why aren't I disappointed? How come this didn't affect me at all? Did I not invest myself in it? Maybe I didn't want it that badly? Or maybe my faith has grown to a point where I know that if this isn't God's plan for me, that there's something else even better (or at least more worthwhile) lined up for me that I wouldn't have been able to do had I started a job in Torrance?

I feel similarly with regards to Anderson and my future with him. Some people may think that my healing and grieving process has progressed so quickly because I didn't really love him all that much. It is logical to assume that things that mean little to you are easy to let go and easy to get over. And it's true to some extent, but not in the case of my husband. I had never loved anyone or anything more than I love(d) Anderson. As much as I could at that time, I didn't hold back, I didn't keep anything for myself, and there was nothing I wouldn't do for him. As unselfishly and sacrificially as I was able to give... I gave. And God took him away... closed that door to my future with him.

With a door shut in your face, you can respond a few ways... mostly you either wait at the closed door or you turn and take a different path. Some choices are really hard to make when emotions reign your life, but small ones like getting out of bed... those little choices you can make. What did I choose to do those early days? I spent time with God, spent time with my family and friends... I blogged... a lot. Somewhere, somehow, sometime... the sum of my small choices led me to where I am right now... and where I am is in a place of peace, joy & thankfulness that I've never before experienced in my life. To be living a life with passion, with such purpose... with freedom... in abundance... I'm glad I'm here and I'm glad that a big heavy door had to close for me to get here.

Faith that God has a plan for my life that doesn't include Anderson as a major player in my life is something I couldn't even fathom less than a year ago. Faith is (1) believing what God says and (2) letting go of what I think I deserve. (1) is not possible without (2), and (2) is really scary without (1). Confidence in God's promises to me is what gives me the assurance that (2) is worthwhile.

How can I believe what God says? God has Existed, always... He is truly God, all-powerful, all knowing, unlimited by time & space... He created the earth and everything in it... He knows my thoughts, has numbered the hairs on my head and not even a leaf falls to the ground without him knowing... seriously... He is light and goodness and LOVE... above all else, He loves me and wants the best for me... why shouldn't I trust Him and what He says?

Isaiah 55:⁸ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

⁹ "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Let's say I'm lost in the forest & my good, trustworthy, and faithful friend is up in a helicopter and can see me and see where I need to go... I would be dumb to follow what I can see with my limited perspective and perception rather than trust what my friend can see. Kinda like that but a billion times better cuz God can see across time AND He's in control of all circumstances.

Faith is not illogical nor is it without reason, discernment or wisdom. If you don't believe God is God, then of course faith doesn't make sense. But regardless of whether or not you believe it... He IS. I choose to believe & follow the Perfect, the Genius of all geniuses, the Wisest of the wise, the Love above all loves, the most beautiful God ever. And He will never fail me.

OK, gotta go... I think I had more thoughts about listening to God... but I didn't write them in my journal so it'll take me a while to get it out... and my aunt's waiting for me. Til next time...

Day 171 - remember...

Last year at about this time, I think I might have been on the phone with a nursing school friend trying to coordinate the making of a slideshow for our wedding. I really can't believe it was one year ago today that Anderson and I were saying our matrimonial vows... just one year ago.

I've had a few people remind me of our anniversary... semi-timidly... probably wondering how I felt about the whole thing. Honestly... it's just another day to me. Well, it's a Sunday so that means I'll be going to church and small groups. I don't need any one particular date to remind me that we were married... nor does any one particular day make his absence in my life feel more real. We were one flesh. I feel his absence every single day... I've felt it every day for the past 171 days since we've been apart.

Today would have been a day of celebration, but instead, I think it'll just be a day of remembrance. A special day that I set aside to remember our wedding and maybe I'll watch our wedding video again. If you want to watch it again, the only link I have to it is the one on my facebook from Dann's videos.

A while back, I think I blogged about major events in my life that I'd like to set aside as memory days and our wedding was definitely one of them. Forgetting good times isn't the key to moving on when faced with loss. Keeping your eyes focused on what lies ahead is what helps to move on. And yet... don't forget. Remember how wonderfully God has blessed, remember the vastness of His lavish love, remember the miracles that He's done... remember what you've been delivered from and remember how that deliverance came to be... through the hope that is Jesus Christ... through the sacrifice on the cross and the powerful resurrection to conquer death once and for all. Remember, be thankful, and give praise, honor, and glory to Whom it is due.

I was thinking about the phrase "time heals all wounds". I wrote about it back in June and I reread it again today. I'm pretty sure I still feel the same way. Here's what I wrote on June 30, 2009:

I think that one of the most beautiful things about having a relationship with God is the hope that He brings in our lives. The saying that "time heals all wounds"... I don't necessarily agree with that. I think that time will help you forget the sting, but the wound is always there. It's a sensitive spot that when poked or prodded by some unsuspecting passerby, opens up again and pours out blood or pus if it's a particularly nasty wound. If you ever've said "where'd that come from?" when someone reacted particularly nastily or harshly to your seemingly harmless action or remark... you might have just poked open someone's pre-existing emotional wound... just maybe. To be truly healed and whole again is impossible... on our own. Only the Creator can restore the broken; broken doesn't just up and fix itself. True healing is born out of hope and to me, God is the only source of hope in this world.

The more you try to control your life, the more you try to hang on to what you think you deserve, the more difficult life becomes. Disappointment and loss is inevitable. Hope comes from knowing that God has a plan and that it's not an evil one, but it's a beautiful one... one that glorifies Him in all His goodness and power and love for us and THAT seriously gives me hope. It's so counter-intuitive, but the more you give up control to God, the easier life becomes and the more you have to gain. The unbearable becomes bearable. If you're sinking sinking sinking deeper and deeper into the dark depths of the ocean with some kind of heavy weight tied to you, immobilizing your legs, pulling you lower and deeper, the weight of the water closing in on you and the panic of drowning and suffocation causing you to flail about in futile efforts to grasp what you see but cannot attain... giving up control and submitting to God is like being loosed from the weight, floating effortlessly up to the surface and taking huge gasps of life-giving air until you've been restored and can breathe normally again. Even death... death may seem like the ultimate roadblock in the journey of life... but it really isn't. Life in this world is just a glimmer... a foggy reflection of eternal life and heaven. Death is just the end of this foggy life and the beginning of something more wonderful and glorious than we could ever imagine. That is something to look forward to.

Lately, I've been asking myself... what would I do... what would I give to have him back on earth with me. And my first reaction is to say "anything"... that I'd give anything to have him back. But... to have him back at what cost and for what purpose? If I really ask myself what I want, it's to see him again, but I have already been promised that I'll see him again. Am I just being impatient? Impatience in God's timing to fulfill His promises is saying that my timing is better than God's timing and I know that it is not... absolutely not. And do I just want to be with him out of love? If I truly love him, I would want the best for him and what is best for him is to be with our Lord, which is exactly where he is right now. The max I will probably live might be another... 70 years. Dang. 70 years. What's 70 years in light of eternity? I hope my time here is shorter than that tho. I really really hope so. But in the meantime, I'll just keep doin' my thing, serving my God, etc. etc. So what would I do or give to have him back with me? Nothing. Out of love for him, I wouldn't wish him back... I wouldn't tear him away from the best place EVER out of my own selfishness.

I did want to write about love today, but it's getting pretty late.

Some things to remember and be thankful for from January 10, 2009.

• unity - the unity of countless friends and family members who sacrificed two whole days of their lives to give Anderson and me a beautiful wedding. I have never seen so many people put aside personal differences and preferences in order to make this happen for us. It truly was a miracle.
• God's provision and sovereignty - everything and I mean EVERYTHING just worked out. I didn't feel that anything was lacking. If anything, I think the event far exceeded my expectations. The fact that the borrowed dress fit, hair/makeup was arranged, flowers, the cake, decorations, the reception food, the buffet dinner in that ballroom that normally takes months to reserve, bridesmaids dresses were obtained half an hour before the store closed, 500+ ppl attended mostly by evite/phone call/word of mouth... even seating arrangements. We did not spend any time stressing over who would sit where... everyone just sat where they wanted and it was FINE. We were so spoiled. If I ever get married again, I don't know if I could handle all the planning after having it come together so well on its own last year. Maybe other people stressed out for us and I'm SOOO eternally grateful that you all bore that burden for us. The biggest and greatest gift you gave us was the gift of a stressless wedding.
  
• love - I don't think I've ever felt more loved in my life by my family, friends and church family than when they were serving us at our wedding... and in the months to follow as everyone showered us with prayer, encouragement, and support. What a marvelous time. God is so good.
  

OK, I guess I'll just end with some of my favorite pictures from last year. Thank you and thank God. :D

Day 168 - shine on, little violets

Ooh day 168. What a lucky Chinese number. Not that I believe in it but... uh... yeah.

So I've gotten a lot of "how are you doing?" "did you get the job yet?" "did you hear back from the hospital yet?" type questions lately. I have been doing my part in calling. I've also been continuing to apply to other hospitals. The longer it takes for them to make a decision... it makes me think that either I didn't get the job or I'm borderline. I'm OK with that tho. I know that if it doesn't pan out that I get a job this round, that there's always next round, and the next.

I think I probably wouldn't have taken the sting of rejection (or the possibility of, in this case) very well historically. It's not a pleasant thing to be rejected by other people or to find out that you didn't quite cut it or that you just barely didn't make it. But by God's grace... I've been able to find contentment and peace in my role in life... in my purpose... and in the grand scheme of things... being unemployed is just another phase of my life. It's a pretty fun one at that. I'm enjoying every minute of it and yet still doing my part to look for employment and apply like everyone else.

I read this little story today in, my favourite... Streams in the Desert.

A story is told of a king who went into his garden one morning, only to find everything withered and dying. He asked the oak tree that stood near the gate what the trouble was. The oak said it was tired of life and determined to die because it was not tall and beautiful like the pine tree. The pine was troubled because it could not bear grapes like the grapevine. The grapevine was determined to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and produce fruit as large as peaches. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall and fragrant like the lilac.
And so it went throughout the garden. Yet coming to a violet, the king found its face as bright and happy as ever and said, "Well, violet, I'm glad to find one brave little flower in the midst of this discouragement. You don't seem to be the least disheartened." The violet responded, "No, I'm not. I know I'm small, yet I thought if you wanted an oak or a pine or a peach tree or even a lilac, you would have planted one. Since I knew you wanted a violet, I'm determined to be the best little violet I can be."

So, I'm OK if I'm not top 2%. I'm OK if the managers didn't like me. I'm not great at first impressions, I'm not the smartest, I'm not the prettiest, the tallest, the skinniest, the most eloquent, the most fun, the most gracious... all I am is me, just the way God created me. I may not even be the awesomest nurse ever and I may never be, but what I do know is that I'm gonna be the best little violet I can and that God has a purpose for me and a place for me and that purpose and place is exactly where I am right now.

I dunno if you feel like a little violet too. I do have a lot of purple clothing. But that's besides the point. That's all I have time for right now. Happy Thursday, my friends! Until next time...

Day 165 - do you hear what I hear?

Do you ever feel like... God hears the cries of your heart?

I know that I have lately, but I'm wondering if YOU feel it. I've come across a few people lately who have been struggling with discontentment. I'm guessing they're feeling like God isn't hearing them.

I dunno. I really really feel like God hears the cries of my heart, even the cries that I haven't even put into words. Sometimes it's just a thought or a musing... and then God responds.

For example, today... was kind of a blah day for me. Nothing bad happened. I just wasn't feeling chipper. Today more than any other day in the past few weeks, I've been sensitive and acutely aware of Anderson's absence in my life. Sometimes I can go about my day without even noticing it that much, but today, it seemed like everywhere I turned, everything I did, every thought that crossed my mind... reminded me that he's not here on earth anymore. I did my errands and missed him. I walked around here and there... wishing I could cry, but the tears just wouldn't come. It also seemed like chocolate was EVERYWHERE... begging me to buy it, put it in my mouth and let the smooth decadence melt away my sorrows. But I didn't give in to the cocoa. I did eat more-than-my-normal amount of cuties today though.

By mid-day I thought that today was just going to be one of those days... a day that came and went with nothing remarkable happening. But no. The day isn't over yet.

I haven't heard back from the nurse recruiter yet. Thank you for asking though. I think I'll try calling again tomorrow. I left a message last week. I promise to let you all know when I do hear back, either way. Whether or not I get the job, I think that God was glorified. Even in the process, I saw God's hand in it and I recognized that it was all Him and none of me... so... yeah. If I get it... super blessing! and my life will change pretty drastically... and if I don't get it... there's still plenty of stuff to do, lots of ministry opportunities, and very many things that I can do with my unemployed-student lifestyle. :)

So... yeah. I think I mused to God... or maybe even mused to myself... that it would be nice if something happened today... some little encouragement... something unexpected... but mostly expecting that it wouldn't come.

Then something came via email. Very small, but impactful... because of the timing. Remember that paper I wrote... on nurse's grief? Well, my professor sent me my grade tonight. I did get an A. :) That was nice. She also said that it was a great paper, that I should consider writing for publication, and that I should be VERY proud of my work this semester because it's very difficult to get an A (>95%) in this class. I also went through and read her comments... and also reread parts of my paper. Here's an excerpt:

Model Case

The death of my husband was not unexpected. He had been diagnosed with a brain tumor three years ago and we had decided to get married when we found out he had six months to live. During the last month of his life, I saw him lose one physical function after another and with each loss, I suffered deeply alongside him. Many people tried to give me books that others had written about their loss of their loved one. I read a few, but always found that although I could relate to much of what they’d written, I never quite felt that their experience fully mirrored my own. After he passed, I’d have a good day, then a bad day. Some days I’d laugh and then start to cry, and just as quickly, the tears would dry up. Everywhere I looked, everything I did, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I missed him so much. I missed hearing his voice; I missed holding his hand; I missed everything about him. There was no part of my life that he did not touch and I was left with a huge vacuum in the deepest part of my being now that he was gone. I never knew what to expect when I opened my eyes first thing in the morning, and I think my family and friends never knew either. I struggled with so much emotional anguish that I felt physical pain. I had always been a spiritual person, but during this time of intense sorrow, I truly had to rely on God, my church, my family and spiritual support to get me through this time.

I flew back home to be near my family two weeks after he passed. I started classes and was back in the hospital a few weeks later. Going back to the hospital, I had a new perspective my role as a nurse. Having experienced receiving care from so many nurses during the last two months of my husband’s life, I was able to recognize the characteristics of the nurses who were able to truly care for and meet my and my husband’s needs physically as well as emotionally. I looked into the faces of my patients and saw loneliness, sadness, helplessness and fear. When other nurses would roll their eyes when a patient would cry out and ask them to stay, I chose to let them know that I had a few things to do, but that I would come back and talk with them. I closed my eyes and remembered that I was in their place only a few months ago and thought to myself what I could do, in addition to basic nursing care, to meet the needs of my patients.

And I cried. They were such small things... to want a little encouragement and then to want to cry, but not being able to... and in a 2-for-1 deal (God's very efficient), He gave me both desires of my heart.

And it's not even just this instance. I feel like almost every thing I think "oh that'd be nice if...", and then it happens. I sometimes have conversations with people and I wonder how I'd react if put in a certain situation... and then God brings me a situation to show me how I'd really react. Oops... not as good as I'd hoped so I'd better work on that. One day, I was looking at my calendar and wondering... how come I don't have any guy friends?... and then all of the sudden, I get a chance to hang out with some guy friends I hadn't seen in like 6 years. One day, I wrote a prayer request asking for more opportunities to share my faith with others... and then some random people email me about God and tough situations. So random... and I'm not even praying intentionally about some of these things... they just either come out of my mouth or the thought pops up in my head and God responds. It's super awesome.

God reminds me all the time that I'm taken care of... that I don't need to worry about anything... and that He cares for me and loves me. I'm very thankful and I feel VERY blessed. There really isn't a whole lot that I'm feeling discontent about. I still struggle with singleness and being widowed, but God keeps me company and He's promised to provide for my every need. He even provides for the things that I want, but don't need.

Faith is not sense, nor sight, nor reason, but but simply taking God at His word. -Christmas Evans.

There's so many things that I've wanted to write about... lots of thoughts to share... but I'll save them for another time.

Oh and just a side note... I really enjoy answering specific questions... much more than vague questions. If you really would like to know how I'm FEELING today, or whether or not I need anything on any given day, please ask specifically. I probably won't tell you what you want to know if you just ask me "how are you doing?" because I don't know if you want me to say "good" or if you really want to know something else. Thank you! Hope you had a happy Monday today...

Day 162 - New Year

I wasn't really sure if I'd get around to writing a New Year post but I guess I am, with an hour to spare. My thoughts are all over the place. This one might be a short one.

Some years, Christmas and New Year's are a big deal. I had a pretty mellow New Year's this year but I'm kinda glad because it gave me more time to think.

2009. What a year. 2009 was the most eventful year of my life thus far. I got married, got published, got licensed (registered nursing, that is...), lived 1/3 of this year in Texas, got widowed, went back to school... I think I've pretty much been just hanging out with people for the past few months. I don't know where the time went but I think 2009 went by pretty quickly.

Everyone does their year-in-review and then their projections and hopes for this coming year. One of my devotionals today said to look back at the rows of trees lining the road of your life. I remember this year... and then again, I don't. I went back to read my old blog posts. I am awestruck by what I wrote... by the person I was... and by the person I am now. It's hard for even me to believe I am who I am today. I can't believe what I went through. Anyway. I also went back to read some of the things people wrote us. This one is one of my favorites:

It's hard to brush the if only's aside when I read Tiff's email updates. Despite the anxiety and sadness that often come with those emails, a larger part of me enjoys reading them. For once, the voices and images of a society of broken relationships are silenced as I read about a couple whose tears and anguish exist only from the common desire to be with the other. In the complexities of life I have forgotten how simple love should be, what it can survive, endure, overcome, and even change. I am comforted by the fact that the kind of steadfast love described in the Bible is actually possible, one that is brought to life in Tiff's descriptions of your life together. I imagine its power as something like a bulletproof vest. Because no matter how many hits from the world you take, the heart strengthens steadily beneath the love that protects it. May 27, 2009.

Here's another one from about the same time...

Tiff, you are the girl that has changed his life. You are his love, and you have stood by him through everything, supporting and encouraging him. I thank you for that. The love you two share has been inspiring and impactful. I hope for that same faith, strength, and love that you have. Whatever the future holds, I know your love will be forever. May 28, 2009.

2009. The year I learned love. The year I was loved.

Here and there, my heart still aches. 5 months ago, the words I used to describe how I felt were "curling up in agony as my heart seemed to collapse on itself", "it feels like every exhale is a silenced scream of anguish", "echoes, shadows, and faded images of him and of our life together seem to taunt me everywhere I look, everywhere I am". I remember feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my chest... and in its place a vacuum... a black hole that sucked every bit of life out of me... and everything I longed for and hoped for... vanished into oblivion. I remember it. But that's not how I feel now. PTL.

I still struggle. I struggle daily. I'm living a life of freedom, a life of joy... a life I never thought was possible... but I still battle. I don't think my life's any harder or easier than anyone else's... my life is my life... this is what God gave me... this is where I'm supposed to be and I hope I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Phil. 3:13-14.

I don't think I'll ever be able to forget 2009... but I'm not gonna let it weigh me down.

Thank you, everyone... for being here for me... for reading along as I write my journey... for your prayers, your thoughts, your love and your care. I wouldn't be where I am without you. And if I've never met you... I sure hope I get a chance to this coming year.

I'm looking forward to 2010... to boldly going where I've never gone before. I'm excited. I hope you are too. :)