Day 341 - meant to be

wow.  what a day.

So... I was all emotional today.... err... yesterday.  There was more emotional exploding going on than I've experienced in a long time.  Sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable.  It just had to come out.

Busy day of weddings on Saturday.  It was so nice to see my nursing buddies and also my cousins on my mom's side.  I've missed you all.  It's been too long. 

So what happened today?

I'd been waiting with anticipation for June 27th.  It was special for many reasons... not only because it was Anderson's birthday... but it was the first day I could go to church on a Sunday in over a month.  Not only that... it was my first day going to a different church.  I've been waiting months for this opportunity.  And it finally came.

I set my alarm for 7:15am.  That's normally the time I'm in bed after I get home from a shift at work.  I have a SUPER hard time getting up in the morning.  Coupled with the fact that my eyes have been really dry, especially in the morning... I can barely open my eyes without having to put in eyedrops first.  I checked online in bed and there were 2 services at Cornerstone... not just 1.  I don't know if there were always 2 services... but... I was looking fwd to seeing the few people I know there... so I texted a few of them super early... asking which service they were going to.  No response.  Oh well.  I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for church.  I think I woke up too early.  But when I wake up early nowadays... I need the extra time.  I move so slowly in the AM.

It was 8:55AM and I was a minute away from Cornerstone when my friend, Julia, texted that she'd be at 2nd service, not 1st service.  Quick decision.  I decided to go somewhere and sit and wait for 2 hrs.  I was actually really glad for this quick change in plans.  I didn't get a chance to think very much yesterday... and I also didn't get a chance to do my Bible reading.  Perfect opportunity.  Handy dandy GPS to the rescue.  I found an It's a Grind, but on the way there... I saw a McDonald's.  I don't know if it's just sentimental value from having had small groups early Sunday mornings at McDonald's all those years ago... but I opted on stopping at McDonald's instead.  I got my egg mcmuffin and a mocha (omg yes, I had to resort to coffee...) and I went outside to sit in the little kids play area... to be alone.  To eat, to read, to journal, to think, to pray.

One thing about the 1-year Bible reading plans... sometimes you have to go through things really quickly.  It was time to read through the Psalms and I had to catch up on Psalms 1-9 for yesterday and 10-17 for today.  I only made it to 13.  Not that I don't love the Psalms... I do... I just dread going through them that quickly.  It's kind of like... speeding through a neighborhood that you'd really like to stop often and take in the scenery... but you can't because you don't have enough time.  I'm glad I had the 2 hours. It was like... bonus life.  Thank you.  And thank you, friend, for texting me when you did.  Perfect timing.

I had so many thoughts.  I was humbled so many times as I read the Psalmist's words.  Chapter 1: Delight in the law of the Lord.  Meditate on it day and night.  Be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water... always with access to Living Water... roots tapped into the source of life... who bear fruit in season... and everything they do... prospers.  Awesome imagery.  Delight in the law of the Lord.  Delight.  Love it.  Draw pleasure from it.  Can't get enough of it. 

Chapter 3: You, O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head.  You're my protection.  Of whom and of what do I have to fear?  Every time I get called into my manager's office, I'm struck with fear.  I think I forgot to write about my 90-day evaluation.  It happened at the end of May, I think.  I got all nervous.  I tried to anticipate what she was going to say.  I tried to tell myself... that no matter what... I did my best... I had to have confidence in that.  I got an envelope from work the other day... it didn't look like a paycheck.  I got hit with another pang of fear.  What if I did something wrong?  What if it's some disciplinary action or something?  I know it's so silly.  But... it happens.  I fear.  And then... I remind myself... if I'm doing something wrong... I really need to know about it so I stop doing it.  If I'm not doing a good job, I also need to know about it so I can improve.  It's for my own benefit and for the safety of my patients.  So it's a good thing.  It's actually worse if I'm doing badly and no one tells me... then I'll just keep doing badly and I'll never improve.  It is far more important to know what I need to work on and to improve than to have my pride intact... especially if it's foolish pride at that.  So just to sum up... my 90-day eval went well.  My manager had absolutely nothing bad to say about me... not even much of anything to improve on... (half happy, half sad not to have any tips direct from her mouth on what to improve on)... and that envelope ended up being some paperwork from HR or something about my 401K.  Needless worries.  Glad I didn't expend too much energy worrying about it.

Chapter 4: Tremble and do not sin; meditate in your heart uon your bed and be still. Offer the sacrifices of righteousness and trust in the Lord.  Sacrifices of righteousness.  What are they?  (1) to deny myself and my flesh? (2) to choose to follow God's way?  Sacrifices... what needs to die in order for me to have righteousness?  Jesus died that I may be justified.  His blood also empowers me in sanctification.  But I need to die to myself, take up my cross and follow Him... follow after the perfect example of obedience.

Anyway, et cetera et cetera up til chapter 13.  Good times with God and my mocha.

And then to follow up with yesterday's thought about doing what we need to do in order to take control of our spiritual health... I think I remembered one important piece... that good health is not always the clear-cut outcome of the labor we put in to promote it.  Sometimes... we do everything right and the outcome isn't what we expected.  That's because... our spiritual health... just like our physical health... is a gift from God.  It is God's grace to us and it is His to give and withhold for His good purposes.  Just like with Job... Job didn't know it but God and Satan were having convos about him.  God was pointing out how special Job was... and Satan was trying to counter Him.  But God knew.  God already knew that Job's heart was extraordinary.  God knew what Job would do even in the absence of His comforting presence for a little while.  God was always in control, always looking at Job and his heart.  Even when Job couldn't feel it... God was there.  All he knew was that he was suffering.  And sometimes that's all we know and all we feel too.  But like Job... we, too, can remain faithful... and trust in the Lord... and wait for Him to speak, wait for the lesson to be revealed... look eagerly for His comfort and relief... ask in faith and cry out every single uttering and groaning of our hearts... and He hears.  And He will speak and He will deliver... in His good timing.

I also took some time to do some analysis of my life, my finances, my speech, my time.  Made a big checklist of things to do, things to get rid of... action points.  Some are preventative actions... some are going back and making right some wrongs.  Speaking of righting wrongs...

I have a horrible sense of direction.  I have absolutely no idea which way is N-S-E-W.  I have to be somewhere for quite a while before I know where I'm going.  And don't follow me when I'm walking.  I will likely get us lost.  One good thing though... I usually know that I'm lost when I'm lost.  Thankfully, I have a GPS to help.  Lately though... either I'm driving too fast or my GPS is telling me to turn too late but I'm finding that I'm missing turns and having to either wait for the lady to recalculate or make a U-turn on my own to get back on track.  Even today... coming back to church from McDonald's... I turned the wrong way and went a block in the wrong direction.  It's not even that far from church.  Anyway... missing a turn and having to turn around... it takes time.  You still get there... it just takes longer.  Same thing about making mistakes in life.  Maybe I don't listen... maybe I was going too fast to listen... maybe I heard the directions too late... but I've made a lot of mistakes and I've had to go back and correct them a lot.  That's totally fine.  It's just not the ideal way to do things.

You know that Song of Jabez that got way popular... I don't know... 10 years ago... maybe more?  Jabez was EVERYWHERE.  Everyone was saying... just pray the prayer of Jabez and God will bless you.  There was a song... Father, bless me indeed, You're all that I need, extend my horizon beyond what I see, put Your hand upon me, keep me from evil today.  I can't remember if the song ever finished up his prayer but the very last line was, "that I might not cause pain".  Keep me from evil that I might not cause pain.  Evil causes pain.  Sin causes pain.  The opposite of evil is righteousness and holiness.  Ultimate righteousness and holiness is found in God... the perfect living example of which is Jesus Christ. 

So yeah... it's much better to be prepared... to know what you're doing, where you're going... you can have the GPS tell you as you're going along but doing your homework beforehand is also beneficial so that you're anticipating the turn and not surprised by it.  The right way is the most direct, saves times, saves stress... saves you from pain.

OK so my 2 hours was coming to a close... and I walked into the worship area... and it was mostly empty.  Not even any greeters yet.  So I went and sat down in the middle of an aisle.  I don't like to sit at the end when I'm first... then people have to climb over me to get a seat and I almost always need another chair for all my "stuff".  I sat in the middle of a row.  And as people began to find their seats... I looked around and noticed... that everyone came in pairs.  Everyone had a friend.  Seemed like everyone had someone... except me.  There was one girl I saw sitting alone... I was just about to go introduce myself when her friend showed up.  Right then and there, I kind of lost the will and the energy to talk to people.  So I sat.  I sat by myself.  I organized my purse.  People began to come in more quickly... and everyone seemed... to sit around me but no one near me.  There was at least a 3-chair buffer on either side of me... and absolutely no one sitting in front of me.  It was like I stank or something.  You could draw a circle all around me... like my electrons were orbiting and there was nothing but empty space around my nucleus.  Why no one sat near me... I have no idea.  Maybe I did actually stink.  I dunno.  I couldn't tell.  I started to think that maybe changing churches was not such a good idea.  Maybe going to morning service... not a good idea either.  I was very acutely aware of my loneliness.  Oh well... suck it up, Tiff... you're a big girl... you've gone to church your whole life... you've felt like this at a church you've been at for 20 years and you didn't let it get you down... or... did you...

We started singing.  So I sang.  At first... I was just singing... singing without... kavanah.  Ok I seriously need to consult someone to know if I'm using it right... if I'm "saying" it right in my head... or even if it can be applied to anything else other than repetitive prayers... but... I think for lots of us who've been to church our whole lives... it's easy to sing on autopilot.  So I was letting my thoughts of loneliness and despair fill me... even as my mouth was singing the exact opposite of what I was feeling.  And then... it was almost like... time stopped and God was speaking to me.  I was reading it.  I was singing it.  But God was speaking to me.

He said:

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see... we were meant to be

I know that "you and I" are probably more like... you and I as a congregation... as God's people... but for that moment... it was "you and I" but He meant "Jesus and Tiff".  Me you, you me.  Me and you, Tiff... we were meant to be.   And I couldn't sing anymore.  I could only cry.  If one big tear pops out... I try to tilt my head to get it to like... reabsorb back into my eye.  It almost never works.  This time it really didn't work.  It was  uncontrollable.  The faucet was wide open.  Right then and there... I felt... so loved.  Loved in my loneliness. Loved in my widow-ness. Loved in my buffer zone.  Loved when it felt like no one else wanted to be near me.  He is all I need... and we were meant to be.  Like Tiff and Anderson were meant to be Tifferson... Jesus and Tiff were meant to be... uh...  just meant to be.  Destined. 

And then Julia showed up and my buffer zone poof'd away.  Perfect timing again, Julia.  You really really blessed me this morning.  And God used your timing... to minister to me in ways that couldn't have happened if you had decided to go to first service... and also if you had decided to be on time.  And also all you people who don't know me... who don't read my blog but who sat all around me but not next to me... God couldn't have spoken to me had you not done that.  So thank you... even if you'll never hear it or never even know that I said it. 

The day got exponentially better after that.  Good sermon.  I got to shake hands with Pastor James and he said "hi Tiffany!".  I know my name tag was 5 inches below my chin but still.  It's nice to be called out by name.  I was wondering when I'd get to meet him.  I doubt he'll remember me the next time but... it's a start.  Hope he doesn't remember me as the crying girl who took his money at the Czech bake sale. Oh yeah, I cried at the bake sale table too. Emotional explosions. Maybe next time, I'll make a better impression.  And I got a chance to see people from my care group.  Got a few hugs.  Caught up with a few people.  Met some new friends... or re-met them because we think we've seen each other before.  One person... after I said that I was a nurse... they were like... oh... I can see that.  And the other dude was like... WHAT?  HOW?  and he said... well... you just look like a nurse... you've got like... a caring face.  I laughed.  That was one of the nicest, weirdest things to say... but it totally made me smile.  Lots and lots of blessings today. 

Anyway... just to close... one thing... Anderson would have liked that I went to the batting cages on his birthday.  I still miss him standing outside the cage... critiquing my every swing.  Last time I hit in the 60mph cage.  This time, I tried 70.  Wasn't too bad.  I wanted to try 80 but I think it was taken... so I went into the 90mph one.  The speed and the sound of it hitting the mat thing... scared the heck out of me.  I don't know what was the huge difference between 70mph and 90mph but I was not scared at 70... was totally freaked out at 90. 3 pitches and I wanted to quit.  And then I kinda heard him reprimand me... "don't be such a girl".  So... I didn't quit.  I stayed.  I didn't really hit anything.  Maybe made contact twice.  When he first met me, I couldn't even hit baseballs in the slow cage. I'd swing and miss every single one. I could only hit slow-pitch softballs. Big, fat, lobbed balls that give you like 2 seconds to watch it before you have to hit it. So... yeah... definite progress has been made.  Next time... I'll do better.  I know he'd be proud of me though.  If he were still here... I'd probably step out of the 90 and he'd say... "good job, darling... dang... a hot girl coming out of the 90...will you marry me..." and I'd say "you already married me, silly..." and he'd probably say "well marry me again, cuz you're the one".  Meant to be, I'm telling you.  Meant to be.

Day 340 - Happy birthday, Job, and faithfulness

Today, my beloved would have turned 29.  I still have some of his ashes.  So you might think this is a little weird or strange... but I thought about it... and he actually didn't turn 29...he will be forever preserved in my memory as his barely 28-year-old self... I'm not all torn up about it but it kinda does remind me of Bella and how she lamented the fact that she was getting "older" as Edward was perfectly preserved at... what was it... 17? or 18?  Anyway... so Anderson's ashes... his... matter... is now 29 years old.  Or maybe a little more like 29 and 9 months if you count from the date of his conception.  Either way... I said a happy birthday to him and his ashes anyway. 

I think we learned this from a friend in college... but every time the clock turned 6:27, I'd start singing happy birthday to him until the clock turned 6:28.  We were usually only awake for one of his clock-birthdays.  We were usually awake for both of mine.  Sometimes I'd join in and sing happy birthday to myself.  Just one of the things we used to do together.  So I sang him a happy birthday in my head. 

Last year... around this time... I think I was also reading through the book of Job.  I read it with Anderson sometime in April 2009... and again on my own in June.  It's so amazing that every time I've read through Job, something different stands out to me. 

When Anderson and I read it together... these were his thoughts:

85% of people who want to comfort us, they have no idea. They're just like Job's friends. Few people know what they're talking about. no one to blame... just the way it is. People just can't understand.  Job understands. He got it.  Job was venting. He's OK to vent, he's kinda got a right to. like shouting into a pillow or punching the bed. Like weight lifters in the Olympics shout so they don't pop a blood vessel. Have to let it out. I look up to Job for not cursing God for everything being taken away from him. It's the right mindset to have.  

Here were some of mine when I read it on my own last June:

     Ahhh... Job.  I identify with him when he says, "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away... blessed be the name of the Lord".  Our situation isn't the same, but I am always encouraged by Job and his courage to be honest and say what was on his mind, even if it's ugly or asking questions, or cursing the day we were born and wishing we never existed.  Also encouraged when the devotion said that we're never tried outside the will of God... so despite Satan wreaking his havoc, God is still on our side and still limiting Satan's work so that we only get what we can handle. 
     The words that come out of Job's mouth... like "though he slay me, yet I will hope in him" are really inspiring to me.  He had a good understanding of life and God... and yet he still pours out his heart to Him and asks for mercy.  I think I would have smacked my friends if that's what they came to say to me, but he still listens and rebukes them, yes, but he still listens.  Maybe he's just waiting for the words that would help... but they never come. 

The book of Job... and the song, Blessed Be Your Name, remind me of Anderson.  When we read through Job together, we memorized the verse, "The Lord gives, the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord."  We said it together a lot.  We needed to remind each other... a lot.  When things got tough... and when they got even tougher... we needed to remind ourselves. When his surgical scar popped open and I thought he was going to bleed out because his platelets were dangerously low, I remember... after running out and getting the nurse... I came back to him, and we looked into each others' eyes... and said... "if this is it... I love you".  I can't remember if we said that verbatim but that's what we meant.  I remember sitting in my chair... head in my hands... and I prayed a prayer of preparation in my heart... that if God took him right then and there... that I would be ready.  But that wasn't his time yet and God knew I wasn't ready.  Not yet, my child, He seemed to say.  Not yet.  It took me a long, long time before I could sing Blessed Be Your Name without bursting into tears when it gets to the part "He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name."  It still makes me cry sometimes.  But crying is good.  I like crying.  I just don't really like talking about it until I'm ready to talk about it. 

This year... when I read through Job... I think what hit me most was that through Job's suffering... he remained faithful.  Everyone around him felt that he was being punished for something he did wrong... some sin he committed... but he knew in his heart that he hadn't... and if he did, he prayed that God would reveal it to him.  I'm floored at his unwavering faithfulness and single focus on the Lord.  God was so, so right when He said that in all the earth, there was no man like Job. 

This man was stripped to the core.  He lost his children, all his wealth, his reputation, his livelihood... all in one day... his wife told him to curse God and die... his friends were attacking his character... making things so much worse for him.  He was utterly alone.  Just him and God.  And this is where he needed to be in order to truly SEE God... to be brought into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him. 

But even before that... God said that Job was upright and blameless... and Job, himself, said that he had only heard of God with his ears.  It was only after all the suffering... and after all his friends tore him down... that God spoke to Job... and THEN came the understanding... only then was he able to say that "now my eyes have seen You." Blessed are those who have not seen and believe... I know Jesus was talking about seeing Himself, but seeing is seeing. Blessed is Job. He had only HEARD of God before.  Faith does come by hearing (Romans 10:17)... but Job didn't need to understand everything in order to be faithful.  He was obedient with all his heart in the ways that were revealed to him at the time.  Even when life became a horrible nightmare that he couldn't wake up from... he still said, "though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him" and "till I die, I will not put my integrity from me".  God had Job's heart... through and through.  Job loved God with all he had.  He was faithful.

We always want rewards for being faithful, but God calls for obedience and submission regardless of earthly rewards.  "Good things" are not to be our motivation.  God loves to give good gifts to His children, but He will give us what we need and what things are good for us, even if we don't think they're good at the time.  Trusting that He knows best is what gives us peace that surpasses understanding in situations that are so horrible and through pain unimaginable.  Our motivation is to be... love.  We love God, therefore we obey.  Our reward is a deeper relationship with Him and believe me when I say that it is absolutely, hands down, completely worth it. 

I think I thought I loved God my whole life... but my actions didn't really show it.  I didn't know how to love God... mostly because I didn't know how to love.  My life up until now has been one long journey to teach me what love is and how to love.  To love God and also to love others. 

From Experiencing God:

     What you value most is your treasure. Where you spend your time and your money is your treasure. Whatever dominates your conversation is what you treasure. What others know you for is a good indication of what your treasure is.
     Most Christians are quick to claim that God is their first priority. Yet often their actions reveal that their treasure is not God but things of this world. 

Keeping track of my expenses nowadays... my pie chart tells me very clearly where my treasure is.  What I love to talk about also tells me what I treasure.  Looking at my google calendar also tells me a lot about what I treasure through how I spend my time.  I think it's time for some analysis, evaluation, and adjustments. 

I need to sleep now... but I just wanted to end with something our instructor told us in class the other day.  He said he tells it to his patients... especially those who have compliance issues with the diabetic lifestyle. 

He said, either you can control your disease, or your disease can control your life.  If you want to control it, you need to do what you know you need to do (i.e. stick to the diabetic diet, exercise, take your insulin).  If you want your disease to control you, just keep doing what you're doing and I'll see you in the hospital again soon. 

Um... I already forgot my point... but I think it was something to do with getting right with God.  Your actions reveal what's important to you... either God is priority and you make choices that reflect that... or you just give in to the desires of your flesh... and that will be revealed in your lifestyle and your choices.  The more you choose God, the easier it becomes to choose Him... the more you WANT to choose Him. Choosing God is good for you... and your spiritual health will reflect that. The more you choose your flesh, the weaker your spiritual health will be... the sicker you will become.  OK.  I'm going to have to write more another day.  I need to sleep.  Night!

Day 337 - kavanah, direction of the heart

Ooh so it's been a while since I last blogged.  How have I been?  What have I been up to?

Work, mostly.  I worked 4 days in a row this past weekend.  It was my first time working so many days.  I was a little bit scared going into it but it all ended up absolutely fine.  Better than fine, actually.  I had 4 really good days of work.  It's nice being able to spend a few days in a row with the same patients.  It was also nice having a few different patients... getting to talk to different people... taking care of a pt with a central line... really got a chance to practice some specific skills.

Yesterday, my dad asked me what I enjoy most about work.  At first, I said... getting paid.  It's nice to actually get paid for doing nursing work.  And I think he rephrased his question to ask what I enjoy most about nursing... and I said... talking to my patients.  I do enjoy that aspect of nursing.  I'm actually kind of thankful that I didn't get hired into an ICU position... because on telemetry, I get a chance to talk to my patients.  I actually like taking care of my cancer patients too... because they're younger and usually less confused.  But I like talking to my geriatric patients too.  I totally get a kick out of watching their reaction when they find out that we have more in common than they realize.  Here's a pretty typical conversation I have:

They usually ask me if I'm married.
I half smile and say, "no, I'm widowed"
They do a double-take and ask, "how old are you?"
I then ask, "how old do I look?"
They usually respond with an age somewhere between 16-21.  I have had people tell me I look 12.  I'm pretty much the same height that I was when I was 13.  Just 10-15 pounds heavier. 
I tell them that I'm 28.
They usually proceed to tell me more about themselves... their marriages... their divorces... their experiences being widowed... I let them talk as I finish up my work in the room.  I usually listen and wait until they stop talking and then ask if there's anything I can do for them or get for them... they usually say, "no, honey, thank you."  And then I say, OK well if you think of anything, you can press the red button and let me know.  And if it's late enough... I usually say, "goodnight, (insert name)", turn off the lights, pump out a little alcohol hand sanitizer if I haven't already washed my hands, and then pull the curtain and/or swing the door a little so the light isn't shining right in their face. 

I like what I do.  I'm glad God landed me exactly where I am.  I'm very thankful to be employed.  I'm thankful for my co-workers, who are very helpful and supportive.  I'm thankful for my managers who are always there for me.  I'm thankful that when I smile at people, they smile back at me... usually.  When I say thank you, people say you're welcome.  My floor is a nice place to work.  But I still work just to get through it.  I live for my days off... when I can sleep in... I can meet up with people... I get to hang out all day in my pajamas and do whatever I feel like.  Work is just a means to provide for my life outside of work. 

So, I was reminiscing and one of the reasons I decided to go into the healthcare field was to gain some practical skills that I could take elsewhere and help out in different countries... or anywhere that help's needed.  Going on missions to Kyrgyzstan when I was 21 really made an impact on me.  Not that I didn't feel useful teaching English... but I did feel like there was so much more I could do... with even just a little bit of medical knowledge or some sort of public health training.  So that's what I wrote about in my public health school application essay.  Somewhere in the middle of public health school, I decided that I wanted to get even more practical and pursue a nursing degree.  I can't remember if I had to write another essay to get into nursing school, but that's probably what I wrote about.  Now that I'm a real nurse... I've been wanting to put my newly learned skills to use.  So I've been keeping my eyes and ears open for medical missions opportunities.  One opened up.

It's a 2-day medical mission but I can only go on one of the days.  I don't think I thought about it too much... I just thought... oh... what a good opportunity to help out and volunteer.  I almost thought of it as... work... but in a different location... or something to do... to squeeze in to an empty spot on my google calendar.  It didn't hit me until today that this is something I need to pray for... to ask for prayer for... to prepare my heart for... and to take seriously... and to approach with intention and purpose.  It hit me hard.  I didn't panic... but I was humbled by the realization that I had approached it much too lightly. 

And then I read something today... and learned a new word: kavanah.  It's a Hebrew word which means "intention" or "direction".  I looked it up and on the ever-so-reliable wikipedia... it also says that it means "direction of the heart".  I like that.  I might be wrong or mistaken... but from what I've gathered... kavanah is something applied to prayer...a deep awareness and focus of Who you're praying to... so that you're not going through the motions and just saying the words... but that they are meaningful and reflect the utterings of your heart.

"a prayer without kavanah is like a body without a soul," say the rabbis. It's a lifeless, dead corpse. Because so many Jewish prayers are repeated, the rabbis emphasized the need for kavanah, so that each time a person prays, the words are fresh and full of passion, with a sense of reverence for the awesome God who is their focus.  (Spangler, 2009, p. 87).  

This made me stop and think.  Prayers to God... need to be with intention... and direction of the heart... so that it doesn't become meaningless.  It made me realize that all of life should be lived with intention and direction of the heart.  Life should be fresh and full of passion... lived in reverence and obedience to our awesome God.

I am not to live life going through the motions... waiting for the next big thing to arrive.  Life, itself, is a big thing.  It's what I've got right NOW... and I hope that I can make the most out of what I've got to work with.  I shouldn't be living for my days off... I should be living for each and everyday.  I don't want to be an empty shell of a person... a body without a soul.  I want... love... passion... vivacity.  I loved the excitement that I had the very first time I started an IV... the very first time I hung IV fluids... the very first time I figured out how to program a piggyback... my friend and I started a google document and wrote down our nursing "firsts".  On our first day... I did my first butt-wipie... I also wrote down that I wrote on the white board in a patient's room.  That was significant for me.  It was exciting... fresh... and new.  It was putting my learning into action.  I used to love post-conference in nursing school... when I got to share with vigor and excitement that I SAW A JACKSON-PRATT DRAINING A WOUND!  A real one!  With real serosanguinous drainage in it!

The other day, I showed my aid how to empty a J-P.  I had only done it maybe once or twice before personally... but there I was teaching her how to do it.  I've also had to teach a patient how to empty a colostomy bag.  I hope it didn't show that it was technically my first time doing it by myself.  My co-worker made a comment about me the other day... "always calm and collected"... uh... it may seem that way on the outside but sometimes I'm actually pretty freaked out... on the inside.  But regardless... getting a chance to do things... still excites me.  I'm happy when I successfully start an IV.  VICTORY!  I know the theory behind it but it's always still "magic" to me when I get the flash.  When I see my patient pre-blood transfusion... all lethargic and generally not feeling well... and then I observe them post-transfusion and they seem so much more awake and alert... the very same patient who was curled up, didn't want to open his eyes and barely opened his mouth to let me put a spoonful of applesauce (with crushed up medication in it) inside... when he sat up, eyes wide open, turned his head, looked at me, smiled, and said "thank you"... THAT is amazing to me.  I never want to lose that sense of wonderment and awe... not just at work... but... in all of life.  

Another random thought... I was stopped behind some cars at a traffic light.  I noticed that two accords had their left blinkers on.  They were blinking in unison.  I know from experience that even though it seems like they're blinking in unison... they're really not.  Maybe microseconds apart... the differences are imperceptible to our eyes...until one begins to blink after the other.. and then they eventually start to blink alternately. I don't know why but watching those blinkers... made me think of heartbeats.  And then it made me think of marriages.  How when people first get married, they think they've found the ONE... everything's wonderful and awesome... until things begin to happen and they start to drift apart.  And after a while... their hearts begin to beat on completely opposite timing... and I'm sure they'd even wonder how they even got there... or maybe they even forget that they ever used to beat in "unison". 


It's amazing when two people find each other.  Heck, it's amazing that I could have these thoughts just sitting behind two cars with their turn-blinkers on.  I like that I see things and they make me think of other things... of real life.  It makes the ordinary things meaningful.

To live without loving is not really to live. - Moliere.

The drifting heartbeats... it's inevitable... no two people can truly beat in unison unless the hearts within them are transformed and kept in perfect synchrony by the only One who has the power to transform hearts... the only One who never changes... the only One who has always and will always exist.  When two become one... it is a gift from God.  Not just on the day of union... but every single day after that. The gift of love.  Love that grows, deepens... perseveres... hearts that enlarge to encompass more than you could ever imagine... that is all of God and from God. 

there is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved. - George Sand.

I spent a good amount of time missing Anderson yesterday. The man I married... never ceases to amaze me... and even from beyond the grave, still finds ways to move my heart and open the floodgates of tears.  I found some little cards he wrote me when we first started dating.  Two were cards from flower bouquets... one was a thing he photoshopped and laminated for me. The laminated one had the very first picture we took together.  We looked so young... so happy.  You cannot fake those kinds of smiles... the smiles that exude pure joy.  To the left of our happy picture... are these lyrics:

And these are the moments,
I thank God that I'm alive.
And these are the moments,
I'll remember all my life.
I've found all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.

I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could ask for more than this time with you.
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I've had's come true.
Right here in this moment,
Is right where that I meant to be.
Here with you, here with me.

Love.  Fulfillment.  Peace.  Meaning.  Purpose.  Intention.  If all my life is a prayer... a song... a living sacrifice... then let it always be with kavanah.  Dunno if I used that correctly.  But you get what I mean, right? 

Good night, friend.  (lights out).

Day 328 - a wonderful paradox

Ahh. Home.

From Tifferson Continued

Spontaneous vacations are lovely and especially glorious when they're near the ocean and spent sprawled out on a white, sandy beach. As perplexing as it is... I'm home today feeling a little bit of bewilderment.

Glad to be home though. There's something about returning home that is just plain wonderful.

Due to the overwhelming volume of conversations I've had with people lately about... singleness and relationships... I thought that I'd just spend a little time pondering it with you all. Just my thoughts. That's all.

Dunno about you... but it does seem like everyone around me is getting married... having babies... buying houses... and I am nowhere near any of those things. I have a job. I am still amazed that I do have a job and I'm working. So very thankful for that. Someone called me a widow the other day and for a split second, my mind said "no I'm not..." and then I remembered that I am. Kind of like when someone says your age and you're almost shocked that you are THAT old... because you just don't feel like it. It's hard to believe. It's sometimes hard to come to grips with the fact that I'm 28 and I'm right back at the beginning. I'm almost 30 and most notably... I'm alone. Even if I met someone tomorrow, started dating them... I doubt I'd get married before I'm 30... doubt I'd have kids before 35... almost like almost getting to the finish line and then having someone say, hold on... not you... you're going right back to the starting point. Better luck next time around.

It's not so much a bad thing. At least I'm a different person now... having experienced a few things... just a little bit wiser having learned from my mistakes and trying not to make the same ones again.

Deep within my heart (and also pretty much all throughout the middle and up to the surface as well), I desire relationships. I want friends. I want a best friend. I want a boyfriend who will eventually become a husband. If I dwell on the fact that I have many good friends, but not a best friend... and also no boyfriend... it does tend to push me into some spiraling cesspool of loneliness. Some mismatch between what I dream and desire versus what is my reality is what breeds disappointment. I have to say though... that although I dream and desire for things that elude me at this particular juncture in my life... there is Something and Someone that I desire even more... and that is an active, growing relationship with God.

I know that all of you who have grown up at church... you know that this is the "right" answer, but is this the answer that aligns your head, your heart, and your spirit? I would venture to say that for the vast majority... the answer is no. You know that this is the right answer because either you've learned it at church or you've heard someone else say it and they sounded super spiritual so you're going to say it too. This might not be the case for everyone, but I know this was the case for me for the majority of my life. OK... you can feel free to counter me on this... but as for me... I think that what I learned growing up... was how to play a certain role at home, at school, at church... and how to be a fake.

I remember reading somewhere in Mere Christianity (I think...) that if you desire to be a certain way... just do it... act the part... and the heart behind it will come later. Correct me if I'm remembering wrong. To a certain extent... this might be true. In college... I remember always coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes. I would break down and wash them with full-on bitterness and anger in my heart towards my roommates... but all the while telling myself that I'm training my heart for motherhood... or to fulfill some sort of thankless role that women inevitably grow into. Maybe my roommates were thankful for my service... maybe they didn't even notice... I think I hoped that they'd notice so that they'd be guilt tripped into washing their own dishes so I wouldn't have to do it for them again. Evil. Anyway, either way... that was a pretty darn sinful attitude to have in the midst of my "service". Maybe my actions showed what kind of person I wanted to be... but my heart wasn't quite there yet. At least, it gave the appearance of service... and with the added bonus that the dishes got washed. At least. But... was that a heart that is pleasing to God? Is that the heart of a joyful giver? Not really. Those were the actions of a faker. The hands that serve with the face and heart full of bitterness and the opposite of love... nope. Contradictions.

Then I swung in the other direction... where if I didn't feel like doing it, I didn't do it at all. My excuse was... "my heart's just not in it, so why bother?". This is not right either.

I cannot force my heart, my mind, my emotions to line up. I feel what I feel. My heart wants what my heart wants. My mind thinks what it thinks. It is what it is. Everything is all mixed up and in disarray. No peace.

I think part of what is so amazing about God is that... when we seek Him with everything we've got... everything just falls into place. Living life on my own terms, in my own timing... all it's shown me is disappointment. One disappointment after another. I used to say that I'm not a pessimist... I'm a realist. It's very realistic to know that everyone will let you down, that disappointment is inevitable, and that the only thing you can count on is yourself. And then, I myself, let myself down by my own failures and imperfections. Who do I have to count on then? No one person in this world, definitely.

Responding to God has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. He is the only One who never disappoints. NEVER. Living in obedience to Him makes everything fall into place... makes life make sense... the more I pursue Him, the more I want to. The more I obey, the more joy I have. The more I choose Him, the more energy I have to choose Him. It is a wonderful paradox that has made me a believer in good... someone who hopes... someone who no longer looks at the worst of things, but looks at the best parts of every situation. God did that. Not I.

I don't know what lies ahead for me. I don't know what lies ahead for you. Instead of worrying about it or focusing on what we don't have... how bout we just... enjoy where we are right here and now? Be thankful for what we do have, do what we can to work towards what we don't have... and leave the rest up to God. We can do our part up until a certain point and then it's out of our hands. Trusting that the hands that we leave things with... are the biggest, the best, the most capable, the most powerful... the ones that have only good planned for us... is the best possible place we can leave our stuff.

OK. My brain doesn't feel like it's made a good enough point to stop writing but I'm going to stop anyway. I'm tired of sitting here.

Quote from my Bible reading commentary:

Nehemiah refused to become discouraged and give up. Accomplishing the will of God is dependent upon remembering that He is Sovereign over the affairs of our lives. Be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me (Heb. 13:5-6).

Another one:

Behind all the world's evil is Satan, going to and fro in the earth . . . walking up and down in it (1:7) in his continuous effort to destroy all that is good. But Satan is under the constant surveillance of God and can do nothing without His permission.
Satan assumed that, like every self-serving person, Job was faithful only because God would reward him. During his intense suffering and testing, Job's wife even suggested that he curse (renounce)God, and die (2:9). She too had suffered loss, but it seems that her greatest loss was her faith in God. Job realized he was not the owner of all he possessed, not even of his children, but he was merely the Lord's manager of things entrusted to his care. From there, it was just one more step of faith for Job to accept that God, in His infinite wisdom, had the right to reclaim His possessions anytime He chose. Instead of cursing God, Job worshiped Him, saying: The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the Name of the LORD (1:21).
Spiritual victories do not just happen; they are dependent upon one's faith in God and faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God (Rom. 10:17). Apart from the indwelling power of His Spirit and His Word, all efforts to live a victorious Christian life are doomed to failure. To remain faithful in the midst of trials, we must develop a love for God's Word which creates a confident faith in Him.
God, our Master Planner, is still in full control. Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever (Heb. 13:8).

Amen.

Day 323 - unattached

When the day-count hit the 300's, I was amazed. Now it's well into the 300's. I don't count the days everyday... only when I blog. Day 365 is not too far off.

It's been over 10 months since I've been back from Houston. I still demarcate the events of my life in reference to when I came back to Cali last August. It tells me that being in Houston was a moment in my life where there was a shift in focus. Maybe it's kind of like Spiderman... how he shoots out a web thingee and then swings from it. I let go of my old web thingee when my new web thingee shot out and stuck to Houston. I've been swinging on that one web thingee ever since. It was new, it was different... it was further than anything I've ever swung from before...an abrupt turning point in my life... a pivotal juncture. Now I'm starting to feel like it's time to shoot out a new web thingee to swing from... but I don't think I can until I've completely let the old one go. I don't know what scares me more... letting go of the old one or moving on and shooting out a new one. One thing's for sure... I'm not gonna go anywhere until I let go. There will be a moment in time where I don't have any web thingee to hold on to... after I let go and before a new one sticks... unattached. I think that's pretty much where I am right now.

I knew that at some point I was going to have to stop counting. I'm going to have to stop basing everything off of Anderson and Houston and my marriage. I'll have to start moving on to a new life with new turning points. But I'll never forget. Never ever. I just feel like... it's getting close to being that time... time to let go.

I've stopped wearing my engagement ring. I can't remember when I stopped but I think it's been at least a month. I just checked my old blog posts. It's been almost 2 months since I've stopped wearing it. I don't wear any rings to work... but I have a feeling that ppl talk. Even though I've only told a few people about my situation... I think... maybe more people know than I've told. One of my co-workers asked me randomly if I was dating anyone. I was a little puzzled... because I thought that this particular co-worker would have known. I asked her, "didn't they tell you...?" and she said "yes, I know... but I was just wondering..." I told her that it's only been 10 months. Only. Sometimes it seems like a big number... sometimes it seems like a small one.

I still think about him everyday. I don't know if that'll ever change.

There are a lot of things that I've wanted to write about. I have a semi-mental note about a few things I've wanted to flesh out. Maybe... today... I'll write a little bit about... hm. I don't know. Maybe about... changes.

I wrote a big long thing about being fat but I don't have time to finish it so I'm going to switch gears to speed this up because I have to be at the hospital kind of early tomorrow, I haven't finished packing, and I haven't taken a shower yet. BAD. I'm also wide awake.

Changes.

Notable changes... I'm leaving FCBC. I'm leaving my small group... the group of women who have been my strength and joy for the past 5 years. I'm leaving the church I've been attending since I was 6 years old. I have my reasons and absolutely none of them are because I dislike the church or have any bitterness or resentment towards them. I've taken the past few months to really flesh out my reasons for leaving... to meet up with people... to speak to my pastors about it. I told myself that May would be my last month at FCBC... it's June already. I do have a plan. But the plan has a lot of variables. I'm just going to have to wait and see how it goes. Being in between churches is part of me flying through the air without having shot out another web thingee yet.

Friends. It's really hard to have to think about this but... I know that changing churches means that I'm going to be leaving behind a lot of friends. Doesn't mean they will cease to be my friends but it does mean I won't be seeing them as often or frequently... so I'm going to have to let go of them as well. I wanted to continue to maintain my relationships with the same frequency as before... but it's gotten harder since I've started work and it will get even harder in the future. I expend a LOT of effort to keep up with people but I think it's getting to the point where I cannot physically maintain them all at the level that I'd like to any longer. There's no way I can hold on to this web and also move on and attach to something new.

There are also a few other things that I've been needing to let go... and it's scary. Unhealthy things... need to just let them go. These are things and/or people that have been my pillars... that have held me up and supported me structurally, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually since I got back from Houston... Things are different now. My needs are different, my availability is different... and I think... I can't play the "widow" card for very much longer. I'm doing OK and I have no reason to get any special treatment any longer. I thought that it was just me and God... but it's been me and God and all the people around me. It will always be me and God... and other people around me but... I think that this time of flying unattached... will be a good time of testing how much of it is (me and God) + friends and not (me + friends) with God. I don't know if that makes any sense but I'm going to stop typing now because I have stuff to get done. I'll write more soon.

Day 317 - chosen

So... work's going well. I've been on my own for 2 weeks now and even though I'm not always super excited to go in to work... it doesn't strike fear into my heart. I never know what I'm going to get, but I'm getting to the point where I'm fairly certain I can handle most of what I get. I like my co-workers. They're cool. My patients... the last time I worked, one of them said I was a good nurse. :) She said I was very sweet. I like the cancer patients. Some of them are really really sad, but some... I can have pretty good conversations with. Even the sad ones... I hope that I can at least provide quality, compassionate care for them and not make things worse by adding to their stress and/or sadness. Anyway... so that's how work is going. It's good.

Thoughts. It seems like... I think about the same things over and over and over again. That means that I write about the same things over and over and over again... in slightly different forms and context. I hope that doesn't mean that I'm not learning anything new. Well... you can tell me if it seems like I'm stuck thinking about the same things because I have not really learned what I needed to learn yet before I can move on.

Yesterday night, I was thinking about love and choices. I scrolled down a little bit and two posts ago, I wrote about choosing love. I shared a little bit about my thoughts last night with some of the ladies at fellowship, but I can share again. I've been thinking about it since yesterday.

I've been thinking a lot about why we, as people in general, tend to forget love so easily. How we tend to take things for granted. How we keep looking for something we don't yet have and don't seem to appreciate what we've got until it's gone. This is just in general. I'm sure there are lots and lots of people who appreciate what they've got... but there are a lot who don't as well.

Hearing about husbands and wives who have drifted into rocky places in their marriages... hearing about Christians who have drifted away from God... makes me sad. What makes me more sad is realizing that it's not just "other people" that drift... it's me too. Even though I see it and recognize it... even though I tell myself I don't want to... I am also one who drifts. I can drift very, very quickly to a place of apathy, of bitterness, of self-importance and self-centeredness... I find myself complaining, I find myself getting frustrated with people, I find myself wanting to shut people out and just be alone, I find myself with a snap or a sharpness in my voice and words that is not indicative of a "gentle and quiet spirit which is pleasing to God" but of a sinful, prideful spirit seeking to serve myself.

I wrote down my thoughts about what makes romantic love special in my notes from Jon's sermon yesterday... but in looking at my outline, I didn't recognize where those thoughts came from until someone else mentioned his illustration about goldfish that acclimate to the temperature of water when it changes... or maybe that was from another conversation I was having about a bio lab that we had at UCI our freshman year. It was something about fish and water and how fish forget about water because they're swimming in it... and that's kinda like how we forget about God's grace because we're just swimming in it and living in it... but not recognizing it or appreciating it all the time.

I've also been having plenty of conversations with single people in search of "the one". So many conversations where people can relate to feeling lonely, feeling sad about being single, feeling abandoned and hurt by friends or people... about exes that move on first... about dates with people that aren't really working... about just being sad that we are at this stage in our lives and don't have anyone... or so it seems.

I don't know how come it seems like I can have all kinds of these conversations all at once. My heart goes out to the single and lonely... because I am also that. My heart goes out to those who are struggling in their marriages because I have also struggled in my marriage (perhaps in a different way but struggled just the same). My heart goes out to those who are dating and who are frustrated with long distance relationships (because I've been there too). My heart goes out to those who are overwhelmed by feelings of this or that... to the point where they just can't help but to cry cry cry... because I do that too. My heart goes out to those who have been hurt by an ex who has moved on first because... well... I know what it feels like to be left behind. It hurts.

And every once in a while, I get questions from people asking me about dating non-believers. Yeah, I've been there too. Heck, I'm still there. I'm everywhere. I'm everywhere to a point where I don't even know where I am anymore. I'm just... here.

So I was thinking about what makes romantic love so... appealing. Why does it make me feel special and why does my heart yearn for it?

One reason is because... being loved means that I was chosen. It means that out of everybody else... someone chose me. Someone saw something in me that they thought was special enough to want for themselves. Someone took a good look at everyone they knew and found something special or remarkable about me... and not just acknowledged it... but they did something about it and chose ME. They put themselves out there to be rejected by choosing me. That's what makes me feel special... because someone else thought so and only wanted me. And not just once. From the first day and for the rest of his life... he only wanted me.

It's not so special if one day he chose me and the next day he abandoned me for someone else. What makes it special is that he chose me and then continued to choose me day after day after day. Maybe he chose me because he loved a little thing about me that one day... but when that love grows the more he finds out about me... the more he knows me... that's special. That's remarkable. And it's downright amazing that someone else could see so much of me and still want to be with me... the ugly and all.

Choosing me wasn't always easy. OK well, I can't speak for him but I know that I'm not exactly a piece of cake to get along with. Choosing him wasn't always easy either. Doing the long distance thing... I was confronted daily with the question "is it worth it?" Is it worth tying myself down to someone that I can only talk to between the hours of 4 and 7pm (or whatever) because of the time difference? Is it worth it to be with someone who doesn't know whether or not he'll be moving back to the U.S. anytime soon? Is it worth it to have a boyfriend but to have to go alone to everything because he's never in the country? It's like having someone but still getting stuck with the worst parts of not having someone. Or was it?

He was analyzing whether or not I was worth it just as much as I was... and he still chose to be with me. I had the comfort and security of having someone who cared about me... and yet I still had the freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted because he wasn't around all the time and I didn't have to be there for him, on call 24/7. I had the best parts of being in a relationship as well as the best parts of being single.

And I didn't have to force him to be with me... he was with me by choice. Just like I was with him by choice as well. Two people who choose each other and continue to choose each other through thick and thin... how beautiful is that? That's love, yo.

What is truly meaningful is the choice. The continued choosing. Commitment. Faithfulness. Loyalty.

You know what's yucky to watch? What was yucky to watch was Wikus van de Merwe in his mechanical suit... running away and leaving Christopher Johnson at the mercy of the crazy MNU guys who were out to kill and destroy BOTH of them. It stops being yucky when Wikus stops running... he hears that they're going to kill Christopher (or something like that)... he turns around and goes back to protect him. Sorry, District 9 is on Netflix streaming. Just saw it again recently. It is beautiful to watch self-sacrifice in action. And yet... I don't think all that many of us are as willing to do it for others as much as we are desiring that it be done for us.

I'm sure you already know where I'm going with this. God chose us. He chose us and loved us even before we were born. He sacrificed Himself for us. He sacrificed Himself so that we could be with Him for all eternity. God loves us. When you stop and think about what that means... it stops becoming something you can just brush away or think little of. This is it. This is the BIG one. BIG BIG love. The kind that doesn't depend on what you do for them... doesn't waver back and forth like a swinging pendulum... it is constant, you can depend on it, you can count on it... it will never fade, it will never cease to be... you will never find that God has chosen someone else one day because He always chooses you. Everyday, always.

So that's Him. He did more than enough on His side. Now... looking at me on my side. My track record is less than perfect. It is not even less than perfect, it is horrible and shouldn't even be put in the same sentence with "perfect". For someone who chooses me... why not choose Him? In Him... in His character... is everything I ever wanted. It is everything I admire. Everything I desire for myself. Jesus is hot.

Every time I read about Joseph and his life... I think to myself... dang, Joseph is hot. He's my favorite. Then I read about Moses and I'm like dang, Moses is hot too. He's my new favorite. So are Joshua and Caleb. Every time I read about King David and his life... I also think to myself... dang, David is hot... maybe he's my favorite now. When I read about Elijah and his prayers... dang, that's hot too. They can't all be my favorite. I looked at what made them hot and I realized that... they're hot because their lives were conformed in the likeness of God... and God incarnate is Jesus Christ. Joseph, Joshua, David... were men... they made mistakes. Un-hot mistakes. I was talking to my friend about our "criteria" and the only person who has all the qualities we want in the perfect husband... is pretty much Jesus. I think I've whittled it down to one criteria if I'm going to look for another man to spend the rest of my life with here on earth in addition to Jesus. He has to love the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength. Yeah. that's it. And maybe speak English. How did I get here. Hm.

Chosen. I have more to say. I'll save it for another day.