Work, mostly. I worked 4 days in a row this past weekend. It was my first time working so many days. I was a little bit scared going into it but it all ended up absolutely fine. Better than fine, actually. I had 4 really good days of work. It's nice being able to spend a few days in a row with the same patients. It was also nice having a few different patients... getting to talk to different people... taking care of a pt with a central line... really got a chance to practice some specific skills.
Yesterday, my dad asked me what I enjoy most about work. At first, I said... getting paid. It's nice to actually get paid for doing nursing work. And I think he rephrased his question to ask what I enjoy most about nursing... and I said... talking to my patients. I do enjoy that aspect of nursing. I'm actually kind of thankful that I didn't get hired into an ICU position... because on telemetry, I get a chance to talk to my patients. I actually like taking care of my cancer patients too... because they're younger and usually less confused. But I like talking to my geriatric patients too. I totally get a kick out of watching their reaction when they find out that we have more in common than they realize. Here's a pretty typical conversation I have:
They usually ask me if I'm married.
I half smile and say, "no, I'm widowed"
They do a double-take and ask, "how old are you?"
I then ask, "how old do I look?"
They usually respond with an age somewhere between 16-21. I have had people tell me I look 12. I'm pretty much the same height that I was when I was 13. Just 10-15 pounds heavier.
I tell them that I'm 28.
They usually proceed to tell me more about themselves... their marriages... their divorces... their experiences being widowed... I let them talk as I finish up my work in the room. I usually listen and wait until they stop talking and then ask if there's anything I can do for them or get for them... they usually say, "no, honey, thank you." And then I say, OK well if you think of anything, you can press the red button and let me know. And if it's late enough... I usually say, "goodnight, (insert name)", turn off the lights, pump out a little alcohol hand sanitizer if I haven't already washed my hands, and then pull the curtain and/or swing the door a little so the light isn't shining right in their face.
I like what I do. I'm glad God landed me exactly where I am. I'm very thankful to be employed. I'm thankful for my co-workers, who are very helpful and supportive. I'm thankful for my managers who are always there for me. I'm thankful that when I smile at people, they smile back at me... usually. When I say thank you, people say you're welcome. My floor is a nice place to work. But I still work just to get through it. I live for my days off... when I can sleep in... I can meet up with people... I get to hang out all day in my pajamas and do whatever I feel like. Work is just a means to provide for my life outside of work.
So, I was reminiscing and one of the reasons I decided to go into the healthcare field was to gain some practical skills that I could take elsewhere and help out in different countries... or anywhere that help's needed. Going on missions to Kyrgyzstan when I was 21 really made an impact on me. Not that I didn't feel useful teaching English... but I did feel like there was so much more I could do... with even just a little bit of medical knowledge or some sort of public health training. So that's what I wrote about in my public health school application essay. Somewhere in the middle of public health school, I decided that I wanted to get even more practical and pursue a nursing degree. I can't remember if I had to write another essay to get into nursing school, but that's probably what I wrote about. Now that I'm a real nurse... I've been wanting to put my newly learned skills to use. So I've been keeping my eyes and ears open for medical missions opportunities. One opened up.
It's a 2-day medical mission but I can only go on one of the days. I don't think I thought about it too much... I just thought... oh... what a good opportunity to help out and volunteer. I almost thought of it as... work... but in a different location... or something to do... to squeeze in to an empty spot on my google calendar. It didn't hit me until today that this is something I need to pray for... to ask for prayer for... to prepare my heart for... and to take seriously... and to approach with intention and purpose. It hit me hard. I didn't panic... but I was humbled by the realization that I had approached it much too lightly.
And then I read something today... and learned a new word: kavanah. It's a Hebrew word which means "intention" or "direction". I looked it up and on the ever-so-reliable wikipedia... it also says that it means "direction of the heart". I like that. I might be wrong or mistaken... but from what I've gathered... kavanah is something applied to prayer...a deep awareness and focus of Who you're praying to... so that you're not going through the motions and just saying the words... but that they are meaningful and reflect the utterings of your heart.
"a prayer without kavanah is like a body without a soul," say the rabbis. It's a lifeless, dead corpse. Because so many Jewish prayers are repeated, the rabbis emphasized the need for kavanah, so that each time a person prays, the words are fresh and full of passion, with a sense of reverence for the awesome God who is their focus. (Spangler, 2009, p. 87).
This made me stop and think. Prayers to God... need to be with intention... and direction of the heart... so that it doesn't become meaningless. It made me realize that all of life should be lived with intention and direction of the heart. Life should be fresh and full of passion... lived in reverence and obedience to our awesome God.
I am not to live life going through the motions... waiting for the next big thing to arrive. Life, itself, is a big thing. It's what I've got right NOW... and I hope that I can make the most out of what I've got to work with. I shouldn't be living for my days off... I should be living for each and everyday. I don't want to be an empty shell of a person... a body without a soul. I want... love... passion... vivacity. I loved the excitement that I had the very first time I started an IV... the very first time I hung IV fluids... the very first time I figured out how to program a piggyback... my friend and I started a google document and wrote down our nursing "firsts". On our first day... I did my first butt-wipie... I also wrote down that I wrote on the white board in a patient's room. That was significant for me. It was exciting... fresh... and new. It was putting my learning into action. I used to love post-conference in nursing school... when I got to share with vigor and excitement that I SAW A JACKSON-PRATT DRAINING A WOUND! A real one! With real serosanguinous drainage in it!
The other day, I showed my aid how to empty a J-P. I had only done it maybe once or twice before personally... but there I was teaching her how to do it. I've also had to teach a patient how to empty a colostomy bag. I hope it didn't show that it was technically my first time doing it by myself. My co-worker made a comment about me the other day... "always calm and collected"... uh... it may seem that way on the outside but sometimes I'm actually pretty freaked out... on the inside. But regardless... getting a chance to do things... still excites me. I'm happy when I successfully start an IV. VICTORY! I know the theory behind it but it's always still "magic" to me when I get the flash. When I see my patient pre-blood transfusion... all lethargic and generally not feeling well... and then I observe them post-transfusion and they seem so much more awake and alert... the very same patient who was curled up, didn't want to open his eyes and barely opened his mouth to let me put a spoonful of applesauce (with crushed up medication in it) inside... when he sat up, eyes wide open, turned his head, looked at me, smiled, and said "thank you"... THAT is amazing to me. I never want to lose that sense of wonderment and awe... not just at work... but... in all of life.
Another random thought... I was stopped behind some cars at a traffic light. I noticed that two accords had their left blinkers on. They were blinking in unison. I know from experience that even though it seems like they're blinking in unison... they're really not. Maybe microseconds apart... the differences are imperceptible to our eyes...until one begins to blink after the other.. and then they eventually start to blink alternately. I don't know why but watching those blinkers... made me think of heartbeats. And then it made me think of marriages. How when people first get married, they think they've found the ONE... everything's wonderful and awesome... until things begin to happen and they start to drift apart. And after a while... their hearts begin to beat on completely opposite timing... and I'm sure they'd even wonder how they even got there... or maybe they even forget that they ever used to beat in "unison".
It's amazing when two people find each other. Heck, it's amazing that I could have these thoughts just sitting behind two cars with their turn-blinkers on. I like that I see things and they make me think of other things... of real life. It makes the ordinary things meaningful.
To live without loving is not really to live. - Moliere.The drifting heartbeats... it's inevitable... no two people can truly beat in unison unless the hearts within them are transformed and kept in perfect synchrony by the only One who has the power to transform hearts... the only One who never changes... the only One who has always and will always exist. When two become one... it is a gift from God. Not just on the day of union... but every single day after that. The gift of love. Love that grows, deepens... perseveres... hearts that enlarge to encompass more than you could ever imagine... that is all of God and from God.
there is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved. - George Sand.I spent a good amount of time missing Anderson yesterday. The man I married... never ceases to amaze me... and even from beyond the grave, still finds ways to move my heart and open the floodgates of tears. I found some little cards he wrote me when we first started dating. Two were cards from flower bouquets... one was a thing he photoshopped and laminated for me. The laminated one had the very first picture we took together. We looked so young... so happy. You cannot fake those kinds of smiles... the smiles that exude pure joy. To the left of our happy picture... are these lyrics:
And these are the moments,Love. Fulfillment. Peace. Meaning. Purpose. Intention. If all my life is a prayer... a song... a living sacrifice... then let it always be with kavanah. Dunno if I used that correctly. But you get what I mean, right?
I thank God that I'm alive.
And these are the moments,
I'll remember all my life.
I've found all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.
I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could ask for more than this time with you.
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I've had's come true.
Right here in this moment,
Is right where that I meant to be.
Here with you, here with me.
Good night, friend. (lights out).
LOVED this entry. thank you.
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